That book Not Just Friends

[winkywinkola]

I've read about it on here. I've just ordered it.

I'm almost dreading it arriving.

How does it help people?

Does he still see the OW winky or has he stopped all contact? I can see where you're coming from and that you want to make things work and why. Of course it was wrong of him as he betrayed your trust. I think the book will be useful. Will you go to marriage counselling perhaps? Do you think there's more he's not told you?

Well, I found the emails on a Friday night. He emailed her on the Sat am to tell her. But I didn't get to see that email.

She was on holiday with her family. I also emailed her in a fury to say "Well done, good work, bomb in my family. He's all yours. Merry Christmas." No dignity I know but I was furious. H had got it in the neck all night from me.

On the Monday, she telephone h in a fury on the Monday to say she couldn't believe that something that was meant to be frivolous and no contact had come to this. She agreed that it was best to concentrate on her own family. Her h had an affair 3 years ago apparently and is a cold fish. Why does h care about that? He does have a habit of 'rescuing' people.

Anyway, I still don't know what to think. Those emails were flirty, like early dating stage, had sexual reference from h ("I'm getting horny") and it wouldn't have stopped had I not found them. God knows what other emails they'd exchanged. Phone calls. Coffee and lunch in cafes.

He has apologised several times. He has said he was wrong several times. He's come up with lots of suggestions and plans to improve our married life.

Am conflicted. Wrong to get caught? How will I ever know?

That sounds very difficult OP. Do you know how he met her eg is she a work colleague? I think you were right to email her, why not. What to do next is a decision only you can make. Take some time to think about what he has actually contributed to your marriage in the past few years and how supportive he's been to you, not what he's been lacking.

I'd make sure it has actually ended and to get full details of what happened from him. Why don't you get to see the email he sent her ending it as well - he should've cc'd you in.

He met her at a networking event. Their paths wouldn't cross ordinarily.

I didn't see the email he sent ending it. He sent it and then binned it. Covering his arse because it could have had sweet nothings in it too. He always deletes personal emails though so I was lucky that he was sloppy with the emails I did find.

See, I think it matters that she doesn't want it either. What if he does and she doesn't so what choice does he have?

I can't quite believe it. He's such a family guy. Well, it's always a shock, isn't it? Even though we weren't happy.

Why were things so hostile between you? Was it just a ...stage or fundamental differences coming to light?

Four kids. He didn't want 4. I really really did. He felt pressured into it.

Family chaos. Money pressures. Neither of us felt the other was really mucking in when he felt he was grafting at work (3 hour commute into London each day) and I would struggle at home with the drudgery. Which of course I loathed.

Lots of resentment. No affection let alone intimacy.

I read it, but not been cheated on.

I think it explained well about how affairs start for the most part and I often copy that part when debating the subject as so many people think affairs start very differently. Sure lots do, but the majority probably don't.

I think the advice sounded perfectly sound.

WW

I bought the book after it was recommended to me on here.

Recently-XH and I had attended counselling 15 months ago after I found he was conducting a secret friendship with a woman; unfortunately the friendship developed into an intense affair which I found out about in November 2014, at which stage the affair was five months in and the marriage beyond saving - I called time.

I found the book incredibly relevant to my situation, and have gone back to it several times in the last two months.

I would recommend that you read it even if only as the basis for starting a discussion on how crossed boundaries (wherever they may lie in your own relationship) can be hurtful, destructive and ultimately terminal.

I don't know if my life would have been different if XH had 'obeyed' house rules or elected to make different choices. But the book equipped me with the vocabulary to articulate what went wrong and how, and helped me to identify the trouble spots. Not sure how useful it is to me as I am seeing all the red flags with hindsight, but it has certainly helped me to steer away from blaming myself and helped me to galvanise my resolve on the days when XH tries to tell me he has changed and is ready to come back like today when he asked me out on a date

Bloody hell, Pat. He asked toyin a date? After everything? How do you feel about that?

WWIFN would have known exactly what to say to you

I think the book will help

Well perhaps the book will help me get angry. I've not really been angry yet.

H seems to think they were just friends providing emotional support through miserable marriage. The flirty/sexy emails were part of making each other feel attractive.

He looks horrified when I declare they must have had sex. He's not that good an actor.

Or is it all minimising bullshit. He won't tell me how it all started either.

Personally, I think he has not come clean enough

You don't know how it started and you don't know how (or even if) it ended

Those are pretty crucial factors

Not telling you how it started and pretending - as the book title goes - they were just friends is shit, and I can imagine that's piling hurt onto hurt.

It sounds like you've both had a tough few years and have been pulling apart. he seems to want to use this as a catalyst to pull you back together- if I were you I'd probably wait and see what changes he is offering, how honest he is prepared to be, etc. you are of course under no obligation to forgive him.
Sorry that's not much help.

Well if he says it's ended what more can I ask for?

When do I start to trust?

That's the million dollar question

I'm still in shock I think. Ah bollocks. I'm tired of trying to figure anything else out.

winkywinkola if you don't want to think about it now or make any decisions then don't - take the time you need you don't have to do anything right away. And nobody should try to force you to make any decisions you aren't ready for. There's no rule that you have to do anything right away or that you can't ask questions that you want the answer to though I know this can be scary. Be kind to yourself.

As for trust one day you'll realise you haven't been suspicious or thought about his betrayal but it takes time and even now years down the line sometimes something will make me remember what happened.

I have "Not Just Friends" and didn't get on with it, for a variety of reasons. A lot of people have bought it because it seems to be the only book recommended on MN, and I am sure it has worked for them, but I don't really think it deserves the near mythical reputation it has here.

Do read it, but if you don't find that it's that helpful, you could try How can I ever trust you again? Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps and Infidelity: A Survival Guide which are two books I rate more highly than "Not Just Friends".

Tbh if my dh cheated I wouldn't bother with books and shit

He'd be out on his ear, end of

Well, I used to think so too, Gary.

I've not made a decision yet.

My h didn't have sex with this woman.

He says they met for coffee / lunch five times. Both in miserable marriages. Chatting. Holding hands. One kiss.

Who knows what to believe? I sometimes wish it had been a shag fest. That would have been very b+w.

I'm Sorry winky. Sounds an awful situation. And I hope what I said didn't upset you, it's just that I personally wouldn't stay with a cheat no matter what the circumstances

Also,To me, it wouldn't matter if they'd had sex or not, it would be enough that they wanted to at some point. And the deceit. I couldn't live with that. Fair enough if they were both unhappy but as is always said on here your h should have talked to you not looked outside the marriage

lol at ' unfortunately she flounced' MIAOW

poor you OP. Mind you a three hour commute into London seems bad