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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

That book Not Just Friends

117 replies

winkywinkola · 12/01/2015 13:21

I've read about it on here. I've just ordered it.

I'm almost dreading it arriving.

How does it help people?

OP posts:
ZammoMcGuire · 14/01/2015 16:58

( not that that is an excuse!!)
but life gets like that sometimes - not fun or enjoyable. THEre needs to be a balance

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/01/2015 18:43

Winky... to me your husband sounds as if he's waiting to see which way you'll jump. You sound very resigned and sad. I think the book will be helpful for you as much as it should be thought provoking for your husband to read. I really hope that you'll be the one who makes the decisions for your family, whether that's minus one or whether you'll decide to make it work in a new way. Best wishes to you.

This bit's for Victorine and I sincerely hope it adds to her annoyance reading that people who post here don't appreciate her own posts against another (now left) poster.

I only came to MN just as WhenWillIFeelNormal wasn't far off leaving. I remember reading this board though and thinking how kind she was and how patient with everybody. Added to which she had awe-inspiring insights that cut like a laser and she used her experiences for 'good' when she could have distanced herself from those suffering for fear of raking up her own pain again. I'm glad to hear that she's well and happy.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/01/2015 18:44

He did talk to me. Many times.he wanted more affection and sex. I was immersed in 4 dcs, the house, freelancing. Etc. once a month was about all I could do.

NB two hour commute each way isn't fun. Still, he managed to find the time to do a lot of hand holding with this woman.

OP posts:
MairzyDoats · 14/01/2015 18:49

Can I ask, what makes you want to stay? Or are you just trying to make sense of it at the moment?

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/01/2015 18:50

Wwifn was fantastic and offered endless support to posters on here. I was , and still am , very grateful that someone took the time to help me through what was one of the worse points in my life.

I didn't rate the book personally , I thought it portrayed cheaters as hapless fools who unwittingly crossed the line without realizing it. Only trouble is they hide the fact they're crossing the line because they know it's wrong. I found this site much more informative talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/ .

Once you've read a few of the posts on there you quickly realize there is a very typical script. Nearly all cheaters claim they never had sex or that they only kissed. Nearly all cheaters say it's over then simply take it underground. Some cheaters fabricate emails to each other to back up their story that they never had sex and that it's over. Everyone wants their spouse to be the one per cent who's telling the truth. That's rarely the case.

The fact he won't tell you how it started and he deleted that email stinks to high heaven. It is impossible to recover if they are still in contact. The only way to ensure they are not is to inform her husband although people have differing views on this. Too many people end up in counselling or dragging things out then realise they were still seeing each other all along.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/01/2015 19:01

I don't know if I want to stay.

I just don't know.

OP posts:
Mumfun · 14/01/2015 19:04

Flowers I found the analysis in the book useful but I found support here and on www.midlifeforum.com more useful. And this was useful for me too and short and sweet - www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#top

And sorry to be blunt. Your H has crossed the line. He has had an emotional affair and he must not minimise it. He must be remorseful and must work hard to get you back.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/01/2015 19:05

Oh winky you sound so low.

Has he started going through the book yet? Does he get that handholding and secret lunches isn't what 'friends' do.

Would it help to have a go at the marriage but with a time limit to review?

Or if that option makes you feel sick, have a go at separating with a time limit to review?

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/01/2015 19:07

I think it's too soon to make a decision , your probably still in a state of shock and it sounds like you haven't got all the facts yet. What about telling him to leave for a while ?

Mumfun · 14/01/2015 19:07

Ive been through the whole husband affair thing. So you dont have to make a decision now. To not make a decision is perfectly valid. And you should give yourself time - you have to process it all. And please look after yourself at this time. Try to eat and try to drink stuff. It is hard . I would recommend some individual counselling if possible as you need as much suppprt as you can get. If you get some IC it gives you a place to get it all out,

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/01/2015 19:11

And what pps said.

I'm also in favour of telling ow's dh- if only to see how your dh reacts- if he rages that shows where his loyalty lies.

Mumfun · 14/01/2015 19:14

Telling the OW DH is not the important thing at this time, The important thing is how WW feels and whats she wants to do about her marriage.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/01/2015 19:38

I don't know who she is. She set up a fake email address.

He has apologised over and over but says he was miserable and had told me so but I didn't appear to care enough to do anything about it.

He says he would rather leave than go back to being that miserable. I didn't know he was THAT unhappy. I knew he wanted more affection and sex.

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 14/01/2015 19:46

I would want her details as a condition of even considering staying in the marriage. And all his passwords.

Mumfun · 14/01/2015 20:02

Totally unacceptable to not know who she is. The straying partner must be absolutely open and transparent about everything . There must be no more secrets. He should have showed you the email he sent to her supposingly ending it. He must show you all emails and texts from now on if you want to see them.

Original poster
winkywinkola · 14/01/2015 20:04

It hurts too much to find out more detail. I'm not dealing with this at all well.

OP posts:
ZammoMcGuire · 14/01/2015 20:15

Sounds like you've both lost focus. House drudgery is easily solved.

holdyourown · 14/01/2015 20:28

winky I'd be wary if he hasn't given you a name tbh -the whole bit about how he met her at a work conference could be bullshit. Hopefully you'll at least have got an idea about that from the emails and if you know his work colleagues/set up etc, just that these scenarios are often work colleagues ime. Sorry you're going through this I know how painful it is Flowers

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/01/2015 20:31

Op do you have someone to talk to in real life ? It takes quite some time to process and in the early stages it's unlikely your going to get much truth out of him.

countingto10 · 14/01/2015 20:32

Sorry you are going through this winky Sad.

I found Not Just Friends very useful together with this site (it's a bit American but helped me through the initial shock and trauma when I had so many questions and no answers).

Whenwillifeelnormal was also a considerable help to me too - I'm not sure my marriage would have survived (for the better) without her and mumsnet.

It really is one day at a time ATM and making no major decisions whilst you are in a state of shock. My DH and I did separate for a number of months but we had both individual and joint counselling and both were committed to repairing the marriage (had 4dcs, 2 with SN).

Best wishes and please do put yourself first for a change (not the DCs or 'd'h) - whenwillifeelnormal was always pointing out the the person who was having the affair was normally the person giving least to the marriage. The book will help chart a history of your marriage and maybe you will look at your DH in a new light - was he meeting YOUR needs, he may well have been wanting more affection but what was he doing to facilitate this eg organising babysitters, helping more in the home so you were not so tired. It is not all down to you. Remember he found the wherewithal to arrange meet ups with OW, found the time in his busy schedule for her etc.

Take care.

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/01/2015 20:49

I really agree that the person having the affair is usually the person giving the least. It was certainly true in my case , but something I had never really noticed before. After it was discovered each act of selfishness was horribly obvious.

It's worth remembering also that people usually exaggerate how unhappy they were in order to justify their affair. They also nearly always minimise the length of the affair too. While he may well have been unhappy , what did he actually DO to improve things ? He is equally responsible for the state of your marriage.

I'm sorry your going through this. It will get better.

IrianofWay · 14/01/2015 22:25

I found it helpful. She anatomised the beginnings of an affair - no justification though.

Sorry to read this OP xx

VictorineMeurent · 15/01/2015 13:16

The point of my original post was to say that I didn't think much of NJF, I certainly didn't name WWIFN because I'd forgotten her name. I only recalled long long posts which were mainly about he purported merits of the book, to the exclusion of other sources of information and help. I'm pleased WWIFN is well and happy too, but I find the more balanced approach adopted by Mumfun above - including other sources not just NJF much more balanced.

NeitherHereOrThere · 15/01/2015 15:10

I agree that it is far too early to make long term decisions. You won;t be able to make any for a long time, not until you have a better idea of what happened, when, who and how long etc and also after processing your thoughts and feelings about the whole situation.

Also from his point of view he was miserable, apart from telling you, what did he do to improve things? How did he invest time and energy in your marriage and family life?

Remember that he is 100% responsible for his affair and 50% responsible for the marriage.

IPityThePontipines · 15/01/2015 15:18

Delurking to also say that I'm glad WWIFN is well and happy. She was incredibly kind and always helping posters without ever getting any kind of "Queen Bee" complex about it.

Winky Flowers