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Original poster

Do I give this guy a second chance?

168 replies

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:39

I met a guy online on a dating site recently. Emailed, texted and chatted for a few days a bit before meeting up. First date we went for drinks, second date for dinner and third date at his for a DVD and takeaway. Didn't kiss until third date, all very well behaved. He was due to come to mine for dinner this week and called the day before to check we were still on. I bought food specially and prepared most of the meal in advance to save time that evening - I didn't prepare a lavish feast or anything, just didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen when he arrived!

Two hours before he was supposed to come round he sent me a text saying he couldn't make it, and he was "gutted but hey" and sorry. I replied saying "ok these things happen, thanks for letting me know". Tried to keep it quite casual and not clingy, even though I was quite cross and disappointed.

I suppose I was a bit suspicious about why he wasn't coming - a couple of my males friends are adamant he had another date, particularly as he messaged me later that evening just saying that he hoped I didn't think he didn't want to see me. Which to be sounded like him trying to keep his options open.

I didn't reply as I didn't know what to say. He messaged me a couple of times over the next few days asking about my silence and did that mean I didn't want to see him again, as he would leave me be if that was the case. I gave in and messaged back saying I was just a bit cross as I'd made the food already and he'd not given me a good excuse for why he was cancelling. I said it wasn't the end of the world and I hoped he'd had a good week. He has replied saying "I'm not into high maintenance. I don't mind chasing and making someone feel special (I know I was wrong). Where do we go from here?"

I've had differing opinions from people ranging from "he's obviously a player" (he did admit to me that he was in his younger days, maybe he's not changed after all) to I am being too hard on him and should give him a second chance but that's all.

What do I do?! Confused I think I am being cautious as I have been badly hurt before and was in a emotionally abusive relationship for a while so am now quite wary. Need some perspective on this!

Perhaps there's nothing lost by one more date to help me decide?

OP posts:
littleleftie · 09/01/2015 20:43

I would dump him for the lack of actual conversation. He texted you to say he wasn't coming? Dumpable! Next!

Unless you are under 20 why is all your communication by "message?"

CalleighDoodle · 09/01/2015 20:45

He still hasnt given a reason for cancelling at the last minute.

He's 'not into high maintenance' is a way to control your reaction to his rudeness. I may also be over reacting, but youre not that invested yet so...

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:47

We'd talked on the phone quite a bit up until his message cancelling. I don't really want to call him right now as I don't know what I want to say.

OP posts:
lyspaere · 09/01/2015 20:49

He didn't even have a good excuse for not coming. He knew you were cooking him dinner and he just decided not to show up.

if if if you give him a second chance (and I'm not sure I'd bother because I have a very low tolerance for a lack of respect) but I wouldn't cook him dinner until he'd earned it.

UncrushedParsley · 09/01/2015 20:49

I wouldn't give him another chance personally.

sanquhar · 09/01/2015 20:50

I'd be sending a text saying "we don't go anywhere from here, bye"

He sounds like an arrogant cock.

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 20:52

hang on.

Shock

He said to you "I'm not in to high maintenance" when you pointed out to him that you'd already made the food, and that was after you'd initially and obligingly said 'these things happen'.

Wow. If I've understood that correctly then do not waste your time giving him a second chance. That tells you loud and loud that a woman who feels she deserves a little respect is in his book "high maintenance".

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2015 20:53

I think he had a better offer that night, I'm sorry. I wouldn't even reply to his text.

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 20:53

Yes, please send him the text sanquar posted.

YouAreMyRain · 09/01/2015 20:54

Dump, dump, dumpety dump!

Rude to cancel, esp with no reason and now he has the audacity to call you high maintenance!

QuintlessShadows · 09/01/2015 20:54

He was showing you who he is.

You should expect to cook for him, but not expect him to show up. He is training you. He is telling you he is not "into high maintenance" - in other words "back off from questioning me, back off from expecting anything of me" and he wants to know if you are ok with that. If you are this continues on his terms, if you are not, he is not interested.

So, what is it?

I would dump. I would text back something along the lines of "Sorry, I am not into high maintenance either, and you seem quite high maintenance to me, so no need to contact me again"

Justalovemachine · 09/01/2015 20:55

A text to cancel is ALMOST unforgiveable. But only after great effort to make amends. In your shoes, I might have given him another shot if he but the phrase "not in to high maintenance" would ring alarm bells!

So what, you're high maintenance for being cross? Or he is trying to hint that you are. So next time he does it you won't ignore him for fear of being too "high maintenance".

Sounds like a massive dick.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:56

Ok I think I am convinced! Loving the text suggestions! Grin I will let him stew a bit longer while I decide on the best one! I reckon he'll show his real true colours then...

OP posts:
alicemalice · 09/01/2015 20:56

No, you should not give him another chance. He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:57

Might leave it until tomorrow to reply -he can wait!

OP posts:
TheJiminyConjecture · 09/01/2015 20:57

I think he got a better offer. Which didn't work out (maybe they didn't sleep with him yet either) so he's put you back in the game so to speak. I'd also be willing to bet that if/when you do have sex with him he'll disappear, at least until he's bored/horny.

PinkFlamingoAteMyLipstick · 09/01/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 21:01

yes, if he were even apologetic for having put you to all that trouble for nothing and could tell you why (convincingly) he hadn't shown up, then I say ok give him a second chance, but he doesn't feel at all bad that you made a meal for nothing.

LL0015 · 09/01/2015 21:02

Def do a cut him dead text after he's stewed.
Three dates.... He should and would put a lot more effort in if he was genuinely into you
Good luck and keep up your resolve

Viviennemary · 09/01/2015 21:03

I suppose you could give him another chance if you really like him. But he does sound thoughtless cancelling at the last minute. Don't like the high maintenance comment. It's only good manners not to cancel if somebody has cooked you a meal.

familyofthree2014 · 09/01/2015 21:03

You weren't being high maintenance! You had spent time and energy making a meal and asked why he had not provided an adequate reason for cancelling. He sounds immature and yes, a player.

Dump.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 21:04

And for the record, I'm not high maintenance at all - if anything, the complete opposite! I have it on good authority from two exes that I'm on good terms with.

OP posts:
Fullpleatherjacket · 09/01/2015 21:06

He'd have been gone at 'high maintenance' here.

He's an arse. Next!

Macloveswill · 09/01/2015 21:19

Another text suggestion:

"After your shocking manners, you're going nowhere. I, on the other hand, am going on a date with a lovely man who has grown out of dummy spitting" Grin

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 21:19

Ok just need to craft my reply now... Wink

OP posts: