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Original poster

Do I give this guy a second chance?

168 replies

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:39

I met a guy online on a dating site recently. Emailed, texted and chatted for a few days a bit before meeting up. First date we went for drinks, second date for dinner and third date at his for a DVD and takeaway. Didn't kiss until third date, all very well behaved. He was due to come to mine for dinner this week and called the day before to check we were still on. I bought food specially and prepared most of the meal in advance to save time that evening - I didn't prepare a lavish feast or anything, just didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen when he arrived!

Two hours before he was supposed to come round he sent me a text saying he couldn't make it, and he was "gutted but hey" and sorry. I replied saying "ok these things happen, thanks for letting me know". Tried to keep it quite casual and not clingy, even though I was quite cross and disappointed.

I suppose I was a bit suspicious about why he wasn't coming - a couple of my males friends are adamant he had another date, particularly as he messaged me later that evening just saying that he hoped I didn't think he didn't want to see me. Which to be sounded like him trying to keep his options open.

I didn't reply as I didn't know what to say. He messaged me a couple of times over the next few days asking about my silence and did that mean I didn't want to see him again, as he would leave me be if that was the case. I gave in and messaged back saying I was just a bit cross as I'd made the food already and he'd not given me a good excuse for why he was cancelling. I said it wasn't the end of the world and I hoped he'd had a good week. He has replied saying "I'm not into high maintenance. I don't mind chasing and making someone feel special (I know I was wrong). Where do we go from here?"

I've had differing opinions from people ranging from "he's obviously a player" (he did admit to me that he was in his younger days, maybe he's not changed after all) to I am being too hard on him and should give him a second chance but that's all.

What do I do?! Confused I think I am being cautious as I have been badly hurt before and was in a emotionally abusive relationship for a while so am now quite wary. Need some perspective on this!

Perhaps there's nothing lost by one more date to help me decide?

OP posts:
imjustahead · 10/01/2015 10:12

'get yourself a new app for your phone, plenty of games on there'
Smile

ZombieApocalypse · 10/01/2015 10:14

I'm with the short, polite 'no thanks', then block brigade. No need to sink to his level.

pictish · 10/01/2015 10:18

I mean...they've had three dates. Nothing absolutely dreadful has occurred. The ignore and block treatment at that stage would be for someone that has done something outlandishly bad...otherwise it's just childish and rude surely?
Which is every bit as bad as cancelling with two hours notice.

Making a big point, or tit for tat is not necessary here. It will just make the OP seem a bit odd.

"It's not happening for me, but I wish you the best" is fine.

RubbishMantra · 10/01/2015 10:46

Yes, but why should OP give a shit about whether he thinks she's socially inept for blocking him? Any reply to this idiot is just feeding his twattishness.

pictish · 10/01/2015 10:52

I didn't say she should, but it's better to be happy with your own conduct, and feel satisfied that you behaved appropriately.

If I cut someone off without so much as a single word after that, I'd feel immature and a dick.

pictish · 10/01/2015 10:57

It's needless drama...iyswim? It's awarding the situation gravity it doesn't need to have.

RubbishMantra · 10/01/2015 10:57

See, I'd just see it as not expending anymore precious energy on them. but I have very little patience

RubbishMantra · 10/01/2015 11:03

And IME it encourages more idiotic/stalkerish contact from the idiots. These types often take any response as encouragement.

pictish · 10/01/2015 11:06

But you would block and delete after the neutral no thanks has been sent anyway, so no problem.

RoastitBubblyJocks · 10/01/2015 11:19

I think you should send a text to end it rather than ignore, which is rude and a bit game-playing, something like :

"we should call it a day, I've realised you're not what I'm looking for, all the best, Polly"

pictish · 10/01/2015 11:29

There is nothing wrong with having good manners. They give you the moral high ground, which is good for the self esteem.

jackydanny · 10/01/2015 11:51

Exactly Pictish.
Good conduct, head high.
And good practice for the next time.

SelfLoathing · 10/01/2015 12:58

If you want to reply, I liked the first bit of specialmagiclady's suggestion (but not the end bit about have nice life)

"obviously our opinions diverge on important things like basic manners/consideration

and I'd combine that with something neutral like "so I don't think we are suited. All the best".

I don't think not replying is passive/aggressive or game playing - it could only be either of those if you were hoping for more contact (which you aren't). Not replying is just not bothering to respond to someone who was rude to you twice.

[As an aside, this thread has 139 messages. I can't imagine a group of men having a similar discussion about the same issue at such length. I think angsting over texting and non-responding is a very female trait. I bet an equivalent blokes board would have three messages -
Forget it mate
Yeah, I agree with PP.
Thanks guys.]

ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater · 10/01/2015 13:05

Given how much of an arse he is, I think it's ok not to reply if you don't want to. Personally I'd reply, but not say anything too nice or courteous. Don't apologise for the delay in responding, you don't owe it to him to swiftly reply to his texts! I'd say "Yes, you assume right, obviously I'm not interested anymore." Then block. x

kaykayred · 10/01/2015 13:48

I think he is a total arse, but I also think that you ignoring him for days on end after the fact was very childish. Especially since you replied with a "okay, no problems" message, then proceeded to sulk about it afterwards?

Why couldn't you have replied saying "Oh that's a real shame as I've already prepared everything... Is everything okay? Did something happen?"

That way he is compelled to actually let you know what came up and knows that you aren't best pleased. But if you pretend like you're fine, then sulk, how is he meant to know?

Plus he apologised about it afterwards as well...he seems to have been pretty polite actually up until you suddenly declared that you were actually annoyed at him (having not said anything about it up until that point).

If anyone seems to have been playing mind games here then I actually think it's been you to be honest.

Ignoring someone's messages for no reason is very rude. If he is saying to you "well what do you want to do?" then good manners would be to reply saying "yeah, I think this is getting a bit irritating for both of us now, so let's leave it. Have a good 2015!"

Just ignoring him is uncalled for.

BalloonSlayer · 10/01/2015 13:55

If he keeps texting you I'd be tempted to send just one reply.

"Why do you keep texting me? Don't you realise you are coming across as "high maintenance?""

BolshierAyraStark · 10/01/2015 13:59

So did you reply or not? You've gone a little quiet...

I agree that ignoring him makes you look odd, I'd have just replied & said don't think we're suited so best to leave it.

HanselandGretle · 10/01/2015 14:24

Op, what do you want to do? Cancelling an arranged dinner at yours at short notice with no explanation and all by text is enough to make anyone pissed off. The high maintenance comment shows an arrogance on his behalf. But you decide if it's forgivable or repairable. Sounds like a conversation rather than a text would have made all the difference. What is your feeling about him generally? I don't think the instructions on here to play games are helpful.

HanselandGretle · 10/01/2015 14:33

Also agree with kaykayred in the sense that you 'played' like it was all ok but sulked about, gave the silent treatment, you said you din't know what to reply but to him it would have read 'she's pissed off with me' loud and clear. Hence the high maintenance remark, not saying he should have phrased it that way or even said it at all but I am trying to see both sides here.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 10/01/2015 15:14

I think the moment has passed. If you'd have just said right away "I'm not interested, let's just stop things right here. Best of luck to you." and left it, he'd have been irritated, but that'd be it. Any response now over 24 hrs later would seem silly and far too rehearsed. So I guess just ignore now.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 10/01/2015 15:37

Ok so an update from me! Sorry for the quietness - a friend isn't well so I was helping her out this morning. I decided to reply to him, and just said "I don't think we're right for each other, sorry. All the best, Polly". He replied immediately and said "Lol. Fair play. Good luck!"

So that's the end of that, phew! I see he's de-friended me on Facebook which is fine with me! Good luck to the next poor woman that encounters his arrogance! Only nice respectful guys need apply here!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 10/01/2015 15:40

Onwards and upwards!

pictish · 10/01/2015 15:40

Quite right OP. You behaved impeccably, and as it turns out he's not looking to stalk you. All is well. x

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 10/01/2015 15:51

I think you did the right thing.

It seems clear to me that "high maintenance" in his view is not accepting his behaviour - like cancelling on you at the last minute. If you don't say yes dear no problem dear, you're 'high maintenance' aka wanting respect and consideration.

sykadelic · 10/01/2015 16:40

Agree you did the right thing OP and glad it worked out fine :)

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