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Original poster

Do I give this guy a second chance?

168 replies

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:39

I met a guy online on a dating site recently. Emailed, texted and chatted for a few days a bit before meeting up. First date we went for drinks, second date for dinner and third date at his for a DVD and takeaway. Didn't kiss until third date, all very well behaved. He was due to come to mine for dinner this week and called the day before to check we were still on. I bought food specially and prepared most of the meal in advance to save time that evening - I didn't prepare a lavish feast or anything, just didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen when he arrived!

Two hours before he was supposed to come round he sent me a text saying he couldn't make it, and he was "gutted but hey" and sorry. I replied saying "ok these things happen, thanks for letting me know". Tried to keep it quite casual and not clingy, even though I was quite cross and disappointed.

I suppose I was a bit suspicious about why he wasn't coming - a couple of my males friends are adamant he had another date, particularly as he messaged me later that evening just saying that he hoped I didn't think he didn't want to see me. Which to be sounded like him trying to keep his options open.

I didn't reply as I didn't know what to say. He messaged me a couple of times over the next few days asking about my silence and did that mean I didn't want to see him again, as he would leave me be if that was the case. I gave in and messaged back saying I was just a bit cross as I'd made the food already and he'd not given me a good excuse for why he was cancelling. I said it wasn't the end of the world and I hoped he'd had a good week. He has replied saying "I'm not into high maintenance. I don't mind chasing and making someone feel special (I know I was wrong). Where do we go from here?"

I've had differing opinions from people ranging from "he's obviously a player" (he did admit to me that he was in his younger days, maybe he's not changed after all) to I am being too hard on him and should give him a second chance but that's all.

What do I do?! Confused I think I am being cautious as I have been badly hurt before and was in a emotionally abusive relationship for a while so am now quite wary. Need some perspective on this!

Perhaps there's nothing lost by one more date to help me decide?

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 09/01/2015 23:07

You can block on text and whatsapp, I would do that. Totally rude to cancel two hours before and not even try to explain, but the high maintenance comment is the deal breaker.

High maintenance because you expect normal manners and respect?! I don't think so.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 23:10

Another message from him: "I can only assume you're not interested anymore. Let me know either way"

OP posts:
wobblebobblehat · 09/01/2015 23:12

He's starting to sound a bit high maintenance...

jackydanny · 09/01/2015 23:12

I would send a neutral message. Let him know. Just because he is a total dick it doesn't mean you have to retaliate.
'In reflection, this is not right for me. Best. Polly'
That will kill the fucker.

jackydanny · 09/01/2015 23:12

*on reflection

Lovingfreedom · 09/01/2015 23:16

I would ignore and block...

DreamingDiva13 · 09/01/2015 23:27

I'd reply to that one with 'sorry just got home. Three texts about it in one evening though-bit high maintaninance :s You are right though, nice to meet you take care!'

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/01/2015 23:28

Had you shagged him on the date at his place?

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 23:31

No I didn't - just a bit of a snog.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/01/2015 23:33

Oh and definitely just ignore and block him. DEFINITELY. It's 100% the best thing to do. Any mean/shouty/"clever" message you write will only be shown to all his friends accompanied by gales of laughter.

Ignore him. It'll puncture his ego. Like you've already moved on.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 09/01/2015 23:34

I'm so glad you didn't shag him! You'll get over him so much more quickly, and he'll never ever feel he "won".

Pastmyduedate0208 · 09/01/2015 23:36

Ignore and block.

elephants01 · 09/01/2015 23:37

Send what dreamingdiva said! Perfect.

pictish · 09/01/2015 23:45

Right. I think you SHOULD reply.
I agree that if he was into you he wouldn't have cancelled then told you it's not the end of the world. I mean lax or what? If he was feeling it, he'd be a lot more contrite. He's maintaining his options atm...which is fair enough, but you certainly don't have to go along with it. I certainly wouldn't. I'd want him to be a lot more enthusiastic.

"On consideration, it's a no from me. I wish you well. Polly."

Don't just block him. To end it without so much as a word seems a bit extreme. He hasn't done anything heinous really...it's just not good enough for you.

pictish · 09/01/2015 23:47

Or what jackydanny said.

Eminado · 09/01/2015 23:53

Gosh he is dying at your lack of response! What a HIGH MAINTENANCE muppet .

Please continue to ignore, it's killing him Grin

pictish · 09/01/2015 23:55

Just don't give away that you give the tiniest toot. He is that fourth cup of coffee of the day that you mither about then decide against.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/01/2015 00:25

Not-replying is far more dismissive than replying. You can never send ANY text that's more casual/uninterested/dignified/baffling than a total LACK of texts would be. If you know what I mean!

The danger time isn't now, though. While he's still texting you, you are unlikely to reply. The danger point will be in a week's time when he's stopped contacting you.

Please block him now. Ideally, remove all ways of contacting him from your life so it's just impossible.

SelfLoathing · 10/01/2015 00:28

What would be really funny (not serious by the way but just fantasizing) would be if you posted his number on here and he'd get tons of MN replies to that ? email banging on about high maintenance.

High maintenance; hell, we'll show you nothing is as high maintenance as a MN tag team.

Sparks1007 · 10/01/2015 00:49

Please reply. He's an idiot but game playing is silly. Just say. "I'm not interested. Thanks." Then block him if you want to. This game playing is childish and a pet peeve of most women when men do it. You're the bigger person if you reply.

Josie314 · 10/01/2015 00:51

I agree you would be well rid of him. But... I also think the high maintenance behavior he is referring to isn't being upset he cancelled. It is saying everything is fine and then ignoring him. That would annoy me too. Next time you are mad, say so up front.

SoleSource · 10/01/2015 00:53

High maintenance he is, he wants to behave in badly and expect you to accept it. You need to not accept his crap. Cheeky creepy cu,nt.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

If you reply he will be rude again and continue the conversation until he feels he has won.

Lucky escape away from a manchild with serious emotional issues.

SoleSource · 10/01/2015 00:54

As if you'd want him anyway!

BOFster · 10/01/2015 01:12

I think it's a bit passive-aggressive to not reply at all, but, to coin a phrase, it's not the end of the world...

I would send a short reply along the lines of "It was nice meeting you, but I suspect we aren't suited. Good luck with your other dates, ATB, Polly :)" THEN block him so you don't have to deal with any further snotty messages.

I think you are right not to put up with rude and flaky suitors- there are people out there you could genuinely connect with who wouldn't dream of treating you so discourteously.

expatinscotland · 10/01/2015 01:15

Why? The guy's a dick. You don't owe him shit, much less a response. Just block and move on. Why respond and invite jack shit? Responding takes energy, not worth it. Block and move on.

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