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Original poster

Do I give this guy a second chance?

168 replies

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:39

I met a guy online on a dating site recently. Emailed, texted and chatted for a few days a bit before meeting up. First date we went for drinks, second date for dinner and third date at his for a DVD and takeaway. Didn't kiss until third date, all very well behaved. He was due to come to mine for dinner this week and called the day before to check we were still on. I bought food specially and prepared most of the meal in advance to save time that evening - I didn't prepare a lavish feast or anything, just didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen when he arrived!

Two hours before he was supposed to come round he sent me a text saying he couldn't make it, and he was "gutted but hey" and sorry. I replied saying "ok these things happen, thanks for letting me know". Tried to keep it quite casual and not clingy, even though I was quite cross and disappointed.

I suppose I was a bit suspicious about why he wasn't coming - a couple of my males friends are adamant he had another date, particularly as he messaged me later that evening just saying that he hoped I didn't think he didn't want to see me. Which to be sounded like him trying to keep his options open.

I didn't reply as I didn't know what to say. He messaged me a couple of times over the next few days asking about my silence and did that mean I didn't want to see him again, as he would leave me be if that was the case. I gave in and messaged back saying I was just a bit cross as I'd made the food already and he'd not given me a good excuse for why he was cancelling. I said it wasn't the end of the world and I hoped he'd had a good week. He has replied saying "I'm not into high maintenance. I don't mind chasing and making someone feel special (I know I was wrong). Where do we go from here?"

I've had differing opinions from people ranging from "he's obviously a player" (he did admit to me that he was in his younger days, maybe he's not changed after all) to I am being too hard on him and should give him a second chance but that's all.

What do I do?! Confused I think I am being cautious as I have been badly hurt before and was in a emotionally abusive relationship for a while so am now quite wary. Need some perspective on this!

Perhaps there's nothing lost by one more date to help me decide?

OP posts:
Mom2K · 10/01/2015 01:16

He has cancelled a planned evening, two hours before the event with a non-emergency - heck, no explanation at all! - only 3 dates in?

His ass would be dumped. Instantly. It's bloody rude. The beginning stages of getting to know someone is when they should be trying to put their best foot forward. The fact that he has already revealed a massive, selfish/inconsiderate character flaw would mean I'd not even give him a second thought.

Onwards and upwards. Forget him.

stargirl04 · 10/01/2015 01:27

Another vote here for not texting him at all and simply ignoring him.

It's not game playing, merely self-preservation. Never underestimate the power of silence.

And yes, he sounds like a self-entitled misogynist.

The lack of a response will tell him more than a thousand words ever can.

TendonQueen · 10/01/2015 01:27

I vote for the neutral response. 'Don't think we really click so good luck in the future but let's leave it at that'. Then block.

Topseyt · 10/01/2015 01:50

Ignore and block. Doing anything else is just playing into his hands and bolstering his already over-inflated ego.

I think ignoring someone like that is the best & only way to take them down a good few pegs.

I would take some pleasure from blanking him because he clearly thinks he is so wonderful and important. He will be very frustrated to realise that not everyone agrees.

SoleSource · 10/01/2015 01:58

Perfect Topseyt.

sykadelic · 10/01/2015 06:04

He was rude for his text about dinner. Also rude to call you high maintenance. You failing to reply is also rude and you lose the upper hand by just ignoring him. You LOOK high maintenance and stroppy for no reason.

I would simply reply succinctly and say something like: "This isn't working for me. Please don't contact me again" and let it go at that.

No mess, no fuss.

Aussiemum78 · 10/01/2015 06:26

Reply who is this?

Dawnywoo · 10/01/2015 07:01

Lots oh good suggestions here.

I had this happen too. Twice. I think it's the 'sweet shop' mentality of men whilst Internet dating..

I have now officially had enough of it to be honest. Whatever you do. Politely ask reason, ignore, block. They in their superior little minds have already got you marked up as high maintenance and 'yet another loony woman' which is sad when you have been nothing other than reasonable.

Good luck. I'm sure there are nice men out there. My friend married a guy she met on a dating site....

Surreyblah · 10/01/2015 07:01

He really dislikes being ignored doesn't he! I would just ignore.

As well as the other stuff, why tell you he was a "player" ? Not a good sign.

jaynebxl · 10/01/2015 07:01

Cancelling the dinner 2 hours before is ok... IF he had a really good reason. Did he give no explanation at all?
I agree that not replying after you said it was ok is a bit PA so I'd go for the suggestion above of saying you got in too late to reply and that you aren't interested. Then you're not playing a game but also leaving him to see it's not you who is high maintenance.

sebsmummy1 · 10/01/2015 07:17

Problem with replying is it invites a reply in return but even worse it can leave you in a position where you crave a reply.

Best solution is to delete and block then ignore. I know it's not quite as much fun as telling him to 'do one', but it will piss him off more in the long run and he might decide to treat his next date better off the back of it.

sykadelic · 10/01/2015 07:33

By doing something on purpose to piss him off you're giving him too much head space, you're playing a game. Ive only done the block ignore once, it was simply because i didnt care. Once you've said your piece just block/ignore.

I despise games so just give it straight. If you want to tell him more "we're obviously not compatible, no hard feelings.".

He's playing games. You're not into that. Move on.

jackydanny · 10/01/2015 07:53

'Sorry for delay' (don't need to say say why)
'this is not for me' (leave him to think about why)
best (generous)

Best to block at this point as I expect he will send a response angling to see you again. Ugh.

specialmagiclady · 10/01/2015 08:08

Haven't RTWT but I think something along the lines of: "obviously our opinions diverge on important things like basic manners/consideration so I'm out. Thanks for the nice evenings have a nice life." Would be acceptable.

RubbishMantra · 10/01/2015 08:28

Block and ignore this complete cock. Nobody should have to endure his stupid fuckwittery-ness, least of all you.

God, what a complete arse. Lucky escape for you.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/01/2015 08:50

Imagine the tables were turned. You cancelled dinner with a guy 2 hours before, for no reason, and later on insulted him by text.

He simply stops contacting you. No "best wishes" type messages, no angry retorts, nothing.

How would you feel? Personally I'd feel quite bad about myself! I'd feel quite immature in the face of his controlled dignity. AND I'd feel that he'd totally washed his hands of me, that his life was lovely (with no room for cancelling-idiots like me in it), and I probably wouldn't tell my friends about it because I'd be quite ashamed. If a story ends with, "and I never heard from them again," it's a total non-story, isn't it?

Replying now would be cringe-worthy, anyway, this long after the story.

ptumbi · 10/01/2015 08:51

I reckon, with a player like this, the more you ignore, the more they chase you. Paying hard to get is the oldest game !
But I would ignore/block/move on.

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 08:57

dont be the one to send the last text.

i agree with sebsmummy, if you sent a text to this guy, he'd either respond with an insult, or, he'd get a kick out of not replying to you, leaving you without a response.

Ignoring it all is perfect. I agree with WhatsgoingonEh.

When I ended it with aman I was seeing during the summer, he responded with a flurry of insults by text. I sent back a text defending myself (pointless) and he responded ORDERING me not to contact him again! It was just obvious that ordering me not to contact him was the only power he felt he had. So I felt sorry for him. I thought, phew! when he ordered me not to contact him again. So in this situation, I wouldn't say 'don't contact me again'. it comes across like a pompous person issuing instructions because they feel powerless.

LividofLondon · 10/01/2015 09:04

I detest game playing, and ignoring texts when you're cross, instead of simply telling him you thought he was rude to cancel so late in the day without explanation or any hint of wanting to make amends, etc is game playing. I think it is rather high maintenance to do silent passive aggression for a few days too. If it were me I'd text him back and dump him (with a simple, "we aren't right for each other so I don't want to meet again. Bye"), then block and move on.

alicemalice · 10/01/2015 09:07

I do like this thread because I've been in a very similar situation recently with an equally rude man. So many different opinions on how to respond. I think I like the one earlier up by BOFster

"It was nice meeting you, but I suspect we aren't suited. Good luck with your other dates, ATB, Polly smile"

This is assertive, keeps the moral high ground but also leaves him in no doubt that he's being dumped.

It's all very well putting him in place but, over time, you come to regret that as it makes you sound snippy.

Catzeyess · 10/01/2015 09:13

After the high maintenance text I would have replied:

We that's just as well because I'm not into guys who lack basic respect. Was nice meeting you, don't think we are suited. All the best

But seeing as it's been a while I'd just leave it.

lyspaere · 10/01/2015 09:29

ignoring texts isn't game playing when you're not interested. it's just a decision not to engage with somebody who's been rude and disrespectful

somebody upthread said it's self-preservation and I think that's so true. Your 'game plan' is not to make this guy interested so therefore it's not 'game playing'. You're not planning to use him or make him change his mind.

Rather he has just forfeited his right to your company. That's how I'd see things now.

talbotinthesky · 10/01/2015 09:56

If you delete his number from your contacts list then he should be removed from whatsapp too.
I am pretty sure if you message him he'll come back with something nasty to say. Not replying isn't about being rude it's about showing someone if they treat you like shit that you're not willing to waste your energy on them.
I hope your next date is more worthy, Best of luck :)

Whocansay · 10/01/2015 09:57

I would be tempted to go with "Sorry, but this isn't working for me. You seem a bit clingy. All the best."

He'll HATE that.

But then again, he really doesn't like being ignored!

He sounds like a complete arse.

pictish · 10/01/2015 10:09

I agree with Livid and sykadelic - I think a disinterested, short, polite no thanks reply is the way to go.
If the situation were reversed, and I got the block and ignore treatment, I'd think "what a socially inept arse...dodged a bullet there" rather than "ouch".

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