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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I give this guy a second chance?

168 replies

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 20:39

I met a guy online on a dating site recently. Emailed, texted and chatted for a few days a bit before meeting up. First date we went for drinks, second date for dinner and third date at his for a DVD and takeaway. Didn't kiss until third date, all very well behaved. He was due to come to mine for dinner this week and called the day before to check we were still on. I bought food specially and prepared most of the meal in advance to save time that evening - I didn't prepare a lavish feast or anything, just didn't want to be stuck in the kitchen when he arrived!

Two hours before he was supposed to come round he sent me a text saying he couldn't make it, and he was "gutted but hey" and sorry. I replied saying "ok these things happen, thanks for letting me know". Tried to keep it quite casual and not clingy, even though I was quite cross and disappointed.

I suppose I was a bit suspicious about why he wasn't coming - a couple of my males friends are adamant he had another date, particularly as he messaged me later that evening just saying that he hoped I didn't think he didn't want to see me. Which to be sounded like him trying to keep his options open.

I didn't reply as I didn't know what to say. He messaged me a couple of times over the next few days asking about my silence and did that mean I didn't want to see him again, as he would leave me be if that was the case. I gave in and messaged back saying I was just a bit cross as I'd made the food already and he'd not given me a good excuse for why he was cancelling. I said it wasn't the end of the world and I hoped he'd had a good week. He has replied saying "I'm not into high maintenance. I don't mind chasing and making someone feel special (I know I was wrong). Where do we go from here?"

I've had differing opinions from people ranging from "he's obviously a player" (he did admit to me that he was in his younger days, maybe he's not changed after all) to I am being too hard on him and should give him a second chance but that's all.

What do I do?! I think I am being cautious as I have been badly hurt before and was in a emotionally abusive relationship for a while so am now quite wary. Need some perspective on this!

Perhaps there's nothing lost by one more date to help me decide?

OP posts:

DropYourSword · 09/01/2015 22:15

I wouldn't even reply. He'll find it more insulting that you can't even be bothered to respond than anything you could actually say. Don't even delete him, or worry about him seeing whether you've read his messages on what's app. Let him see that you've got his message and he's not even worthy of your time to reply. Men do this all the time, but I think we don't so much because it feels so bloody rude! Like a pp said, I'm not into playing games in a relationship, but you're not in one here and I think he's shown his true colors early. Lucky escape for you!

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 22:15

you're right, morriszapp any clever witty retort Polly could send will in his book be 'proof' that she was an uptight high maintenance diva

The only thing that will in the end leave him feeling rejected (as he deserves to feel) is to not even bother to try to give him a dressing down. Hard, as he sure deserves it, but as a PP said, "everybody" knows that if you invite somebody to dinner you have shopped for food and prepared it.

CaramelPie · 09/01/2015 22:16

See, I think if you send the text I suggested, he knows it's over, and he knows you ended it.

If you ignore/block you're just as bad as all the guys who do that, and they get short shrift on here .

DropYourSword · 09/01/2015 22:18

No Caramel, I disagree. Because hell turn around and say something insulting back to her and say he never wanted to be with her anyway! She's in more control by not texting him!

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 22:19

no need to block.

But OP, if you send him a message SPELLING it out, in a way it flatters him because it lets him know you wanted more from him.

Not bothering to respond to his two texts now sends the message that you expect more from a man (but he's not in the running).

I'd rather send the second message so sit on your hands!!

Original poster

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 22:19

Yes Sword that's what stopping me replying - he will just think of something worse and even more insulting to send back to me.

OP posts:

imjustahead · 09/01/2015 22:23

he went on a date with someone else and i would bet my arse she wasn't interested in another.

so his poor little wounded manhood decided to rock up back in your world. But that ego decided to put you in your place from the outset.

he is a fucking joke.

i wouldn't block. i would take say no thanks then (if you can handle it) see how he replies to that.

could be very revealing.

op i don't want you with this cock of a man.

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 22:23

Absolutely DropYourSword.

not replying is more powerful Caramel. it says that he's not even a candidate for op's affection if she doesn't reply. Replying, it's an ongoing negotiation, "please be a better man for me". Even the dressing down he deserves would flatter him. "god that chick was so in to me, cooked me supper and got all upset with me, I owed her, like, nothing, you know what I mean, she was getting all heavy on me" and his pals will nod and sympathise and he'll start to believe it himself, that he had a lucky escape.

The most insulting thing to do is to not bother replying.

And this guy certainly deserves a good insult!

Original poster

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 22:25

I have heard enough from him so don't think I want to provoke any more nastiness - I had enough of that in a previous relationship so things like this make me feel a bit on edge and dredges up old emotions

OP posts:

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 22:28

yeh, I know what you mean.

I tolerated bullshit in the past too, being manipulated and controlled and not shown any respect, so I have a low tolerance for lack of respect now, low tolerance for any kind of manipulation or selfishness, but like you I'm not 'high maintenance' at all.

Jimjams2014 · 09/01/2015 22:29

"I'm not into high maintenance"

What the actual fuck.

Wanker.

Reply "nowhere, ciaosies" .

ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater · 09/01/2015 22:29

' "We" don't go anywhere from here. I would say you can get to fuck, but you probably wouldn't bother turning up, so I'll just say I'm not into being treated like crap. Polly'

CaramelPie · 09/01/2015 22:29

But why would the OP care about insulting him? I know if I were the OP I would be giving the guy less headspace if I sent a quick 'no thanks' text, then blocked, rather than all this 'making him wait' and ignoring him shenanigans.

lyspaere · 09/01/2015 22:30

I hate that phrase anyway. Not sure what it means but I'd think that it meant needing constant reassurance, sulking to get own way, lots of presents, being driven everywhere because of high heels! So, totally totally different from not filling your life with people who don't treat you with respect.

imjustahead · 09/01/2015 22:33

polly, then if you are scared do not engage any further.
my suggestion was to answer very simply to him, a no.

i like having the final and direct word.

carelessdad · 09/01/2015 22:41

As a guy, if I had to cancel in those circumstances I'd accept that the other would be pissed off and I'd have to give a very plausible reason. I'd also expect to have to do a bit of grovelling to get things back on track.

The 'high maintenance' comment is churlish and if I made it I would expect to be dumped. About the only redeeming feature that I can see is that texts can come across in a way that they weren't meant. Again, if I'd cancelled I'd be making the effort to show that I was apologetic and that my genuineness couldn't be misunderstood. The only text to send in these circumstances is " are you free in 5 minutes so I can phone?"

OP, he's either rude or not bothered. Neither makes for partner material.

wobblebobblehat · 09/01/2015 22:42

Totally agree with all the comments about not replying. I cannot believe he made the 'high maintenance' comment. Anything you text will be twisted to reinforce the notion you are high maintenance.

By the way, fourth date at wobblebobblehat towers would be pizza and salad. Men have to earn nice home cooked dinners. If he is truly in to you he wouldn't care if you gave him a packet of Monster Munch and a can of Tango...

Original poster

pollypocket99 · 09/01/2015 22:42

Thanks for the (nice!) guy perspective on this

OP posts:

wobblebobblehat · 09/01/2015 22:48

There are lots of nice men out there, polly. Don't waste your time on this one!

herintheredskirt · 09/01/2015 22:49

Yes to dump and block.

wheresthebeach · 09/01/2015 22:53

Rude, selfish and appallingly behaved on so many levels.

Dump ASAP.

Yikes. The high maintenance jab was meant to get you to say 'oh no...I'm cool and will put up with endless crap'. Sod that!

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/01/2015 22:57

You can block on iPhone but you'll have to block on Whatsapp separately. Just google and it'll explain how. I had to block a man for similar reasons and fwiw I didn't respond to him, just blocked him.

Sagethyme · 09/01/2015 23:00

My reply "high maintenance? Well only if you insist, so that'll be fine wine and cake, you at my beck and call 24/7, diamond rings and fancy frocks ..." Watch him run, and what a complete cock. Honestly polly mans a turd.

Lovingfreedom · 09/01/2015 23:01

'Where do WE go from here?' Well you get tae f* and I'll decide where I'm going .... NEXT!!

expatinscotland · 09/01/2015 23:03

Just block. Life is WAY too short.

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