Anyone else end up as an angry banshee after living with “Mr. Nice” = passive & irresponsible?

[Somethingtodo]

Anyone else been through this? I have just realised that this is the dynamic in my relationship – I have taken all the blame for our dysfunctional relationship because I got angry and angrier. I now don’t get angry but need to get divorced. However my 4 children (3 teens) can only see that I am the nasty one leaving their lovely kind Dad. How do I explain it to them – or do I not explain anything?
www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm
“One of the hardest patterns of behavior for all of us to deal with is passive aggressive behavior. Passive aggressive behavior happens when the person avoids responsibility and attempts to control others to keep them away through his passivity and withdrawal. It is a dynamic born of fear of being controlled, fear of confrontation, hidden anger and an inability to deal straight with people.
Passive aggressive behavior is complex and takes many forms. We all have passive behavior that comes up when we don't want to deal with conflict directly or do a task. We all hedge, fudge and remain noncommittal on issues some of the time. That's normal. It's only when repeated passivity creates severe issues for others setting up continual tension and anger in the household that it becomes a serious problem that should be addressed. Common examples of this habitual, passive retreat style of dealing with confrontation and stress include:
• The person who says one thing but means the opposite.
• The man who acts passive but aggressively gets his own way by not doing what is wanted.
• The person who fears self assertion and confrontation, but says no by sidestepping responsibility.
• Anyone in the family who creatively gets out of doing his or her part of the chores.
• The Mr. Nice Guy who puts on the sweet face to agree, then does what he darn well pleases.
• The parent who refuses to discipline the children and insists on the spouse being the ‘heavy.'
• The person who refuses to hear criticism, discuss his problems or read books about the issue.
• The not ready to be committed man wanting someone there for him but feels entitled to his freedom.
• Any individual who spends his effort into under achieving in school, in relationships and in life!
What all of these people have in common is that the significant people in their life become very, very angry at their resistant behavior. The negative energy in the relationship boomerangs from one partner to the other resulting in an unhappy relationship.
While women can have passive aggressive behavior, this condition is more typically found in men, therefore this article will focus on the typical male version of this dynamic. The typical passive aggressive man has not worked through his anger and power issues with his parents so he replays them in current relationships. His anger comes out in passive way of avoidance.

MsColouring do you mind me asking how do you deal with conflict in your new relationship? I am in a new(ish) relationship (20 months) and I am struggling, and I am back to wondering is it me or him, which isn't good.

LineRunner - I am now terrified of conflict and confrontation also....I think I don't know what are appropriate boundaries and how to respond appropriately.

I have swing the other way - so when I was dealing with STBXPAH I was the angry escalating banshee after enduring the resistance, ignoring, forgetting, obstruction etc - but I am a push over with others - I am a door mat as don't - which is wrong also....I need to find the middle ground, be assertive.

Once we have worked out what there abusive behaviours were - we need to look at why we tolerated this for too long - trying too hard - and why we did not walk away. We need to then address our own stuff. Found this about co-dep here www.coda-uk.org/index.php - painful for me to read.

Patterns & Characteristics of Co-Dependency
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Compliance Patterns:
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:
I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns:
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.

Mylife and Ambivalence, thank you for sharing the stories of your XH / XP refusing to walk next to you. I especially remember my XH doing this on our fifteenth wedding anniversary, and it leaving me feeling completely bereft. It was as if he was ashamed of me, or embarrassed to be seen in public with me.

LineRunner is correct that the CMO case workers are lovely, and I never cease to tell them so when I speak to them. (I guess they must get a lot of abuse in their line of work, so it never hurts to give a compliment.) There are two options, Ambivalence. In the first, the CMO just collect information about income and make the calculation, then inform both parents of what is to be paid. The second option is called Collect and Pay, and here they will collect the money from earnings and pass it on to the receiving parent. The parent who is paying is charged an extra 20% for this service, to discourage them from being a nobhead. The receiving parent is charged 4%. I'm just about to go to Collect and Pay, because my XH (being a Master of the Universe) has ignored the CMO calculation and been underpaying me for eight months. Whilst it's annoying that I have to pay 4%, a friend commented this week that it was worth my losing a few pounds a week just to annoy XH! He has arrogantly assumed over the last few years that the law doesn't apply to him, so he isn't going to take this at all well

One last tip - if you can get your XP's NI number it makes things much easier as the CMO can track him down by PAYE. However, I realise this may not apply to you, as your XP will be abroad.

Ambivalance - good luck - the non contact options (collect and pay) that others have outlined look like a good way to achieve this without you being continued to be abused thru the wrangling.

Have you had a calculation of maintenance? I am not sure that you will get £30/week if he is on benefits. I have 4 children and the max mine has to pay is 19% of his take home salary.

thanks for the links mylife & the posts - I am dipping in & out of this as I can cope with it - all really interesting but a lot to absorb -

Can relate to so much in this thread. Wish I'd known about "red flags" a long time ago, from the moment I was presented with a list of all the things he thought I had done wrong in the relationship. We had only been seeing each other a couple of months at that point, wish I had run then and never looked back!

It's a painful read in many ways but so helpful.

I am thinking a lot about how I handle conflict.

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments about the CMO. The £30 a week calculation was on the basis he works, and earns similar to minimum wage in UK. Of course he may choose not to work and just be on benefits , but the benefits there are quite generous. Even if it is a fiver a week, it is the principle - he can afford to smoke, socialise - meals out, booking music festivals etc (yes, I keep tabs on him via Facebook), no sign of a job yet of course , his mum is paying for it all it would seem, or he is already claiming benefits - why shouldn't he pay something towards his child?

It makes me so cross that he has money to enjoy himself but wouldn't dream of ever paying me back - and when he lived with me, always had money for cigarettes and socialising -but was always too skint to contribute towards the bills, never helped in the house -sometimes I really hate him, so glad he is gone, just thinking about him makes me cross -right -off to let out some of that anger at the gym...

Get angry Amb vent, vent, vent here and really healthy choice to let it out at the gym...tho get off FB!

Hanith - they should teach this stuff at school...can you get out of your situation?

LineRunner - I have gradually got better at dealing with conflict in my current relationship. In the early days I just didn't say what I was feeling and kept dp at arms length in order to avoid the conflict. Eventually I would realise I was wound up about something and we would have massive long text conversations about stuff (I found this easier than face to face.) I was quite honest early on with dp about the dynamic of my previous relationships as I kind of wanted to pre-warn him about what he might be getting into. I guess I have gradually worked my way out of the old patterns - e.g. with exh I used to stomp around if something was bothering me and I did this a bit with dp when he first moved in but he said just to tell me as he's not a mind reader so now I do. It helps that dp is really calm. But I think the fact that stuff gets talked about, dp listens without judging me and we deal with stuff before it becomes a massive issue really helps.

Really pleased to see this thread. It has been four years but I still have times where I feel really low about having had this relationship. I had some counselling with relate afterwards and it really helped but I never properly talked about how angry I had been in that relationship because I was ashamed to admit it even to a counsellor. I often read stuff about emotional abuse and wonder was I emotionally abused (my mum feels I was) and then start wondering if I was any better.

Hate the fact he is still in my life because of the kids. Everything I do is wrong. If I ask him if he can take dc to a party/activity, then I am interfering with his time. I asked him to make sure ds was getting his inhalers and this was 'unnecessary criticism of his parenting' according to his solicitor. Worry about the kids having to deal with him as they grow up.

Mylife I wish it was easy but it isn't, as with most people posting here; there are many and varied reasons why I can't make the jump just yet so we plod on. There are times my resolve is strong, but then I weaken and accept the status quo, for now. It's so sad reading some of these posts here though and I wish none of us had to go through this. Wtf is it with these men?

MsColouring - my earlier post

"Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you’ve been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone."....see more here....
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
passiveaggressiveabuse.wordpress.com/passive-aggressive-behavior/

divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

also take a look at my post on Thurs @ 17.18 - yes this is most certainly emotional abuse.

Thank you Mylifepart2. This sums up my relationship with ex perfectly.

Marking my place. I am that screaming angry banshee cause the fucker does nothing at home and has superb avoidance skills.

i have just been reading some of the links - I cant actually believe it & find it quite frightening that I can see my STXDH in the descriptions - how on earth I get this across to my kids I have no idea - the more I read the more I can make sense of what has happened and see his behavioural patterns. I never wanted this for my kids - makes me feel so sad.

'Her life is in continual uproar as she mulls over the inconsistencies in daily events'

greenberet ^^ this is how we were -- now we know what the chaos, frustration, exasperation and anger is - it is shocking that we have endured it and thought you were mad and bad.

I am still reeling - I am only a few months into discovering this personality disorder and that I was in the eye of the abuse storm for 30 years and truly believed I was mad and bad. BUT we are on the other side now with this insight which is progress - but I keep having flashbacks to incidents that I did not understand and I can now see are part of the jig saw.

I worry for my children - that they have been emotionally injured by the crazy dynamic - by my lack of nurture as I was dealing with STBXH - that they will be like him and that they will continue to have to deal with him all their lives.

I have talked to current DP on the back of this thread. It was incredibly useful.

Passive aggressive behaviour can be difficult to recognise at first. It is recognisable by the disconnect between what the person says and what they do. Passive aggressive people tend to express their negative feelings in an indirect manner, rather than state their disapproval directly to the person concerned. There tends to be a great deal of hostility associated with passive aggressive behaviour and a great deal of this tends to be derived from miscommunication, failure to communicate or the assumption that the other person knows what they are thinking or feeling. From a relationship perspective,passive aggressive behaviour can be the most difficult communication style to deal with as you are not quite sure what you are dealing with.

8 Examples of passive aggressive behaviour

There are many different ways in which passive aggressive behaviour can be expressed. The following list, though not exhaustive, covers some of the most common examples.

1. Resenting the demands of others

When others make requests or demands of them, passive aggressive people will often view them as unfair or unjust. Rather than express their feelings, they will bottle them up and resent the other person for making the demands. They quickly forget that they did not have to agree to the demand, or that they could have voiced their feelings at the time that the request was made.

2. Deliberate procrastination

Procrastination, the act of putting off that which needs to be done, is often a subconscious decision. With passive aggressive people, however, it is often a conscious decision. Rather than tell the other person that they cannot agree to their request, the passive aggressive person will delay completing the request until the very last moment, or later. This is aimed at punishing the other person for having the audacity to make the request.

3. Intentional mistakes

Again, rather than say ‘No’, passive aggressive people sometimes find it easier to deliberately perform poorly at a task. The hope is that they will not be asked again due to the substandard work.

4. Hostile attitude

As they often assume that others know how they feel, passive aggressive people tend to immediately assume that anything they do not approve of was an intended to be a jibe at them. For example, they may assume that their boss knows that they have a full workload. When he boss makes a request of them, they assume that the has something against them and wants to put excessive pressure on them. It never crosses their mind that they could point out to their boss that they have a full schedule and he would then ask somebody else to help.

1. Complaints of injustice and lack of appreciation

Everything is viewed as an attack on them. When something doesn’t go their way, it is seen as unfair or an injustice. It’s all about how the world impacts on them.

6. Disguising criticism with compliments

At first, passive aggressive people may seem pleasant and warm. They often appear to be complimentary. It is only after they have left that you realise that the compliment was actually disguising a cheap jibe.

1. The last punch

Passive aggressive people love to throw the last punch. So much so, that even when an argument has been reconciled, they slip one last insulting remark into the conversation. This remark is often more subtle than the ones which went before but it is still an insulting remark which allows them to feel victorious.

1. The silent treatment

As stated at the start, passive aggressive behaviour is recognisable by the disconnect between what is being said and what is being done. Nothing highlights this more than the famous silent treatment. Silence generally signifies agreement but not in this case. When you are on the receiving end of the silent treatment, you realise that the other person is far from agreeable. They have a big problem with you and just to allow themselves the Pyrrhic victory, they have no intention of telling you what that is.

There are 2 other common versions of the silent treatment. One is to answer the question ‘What’s wrong?’ with ‘nothing’, when there certainly is something wrong. The other, which sadly I used to use myself, is to answer any question with just one word. This is intended to signal that there is a problem, without you having to say it. I used to pride myself on the complexity of the questions which I could answer with just one word.

This is important if you recognise that you engaged dysfunctionally in the PA toxic dance by trying too hard for too long - you might be co-dep - this link illustrates how we should have done it:

coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patterns-of-recovery/

hi mylife - i really appreciate all of your posts and links on here - i can see where I have played a part in all this - some of it links back to my childhood and I am addressing this with my counsellor. going through the divorce process is a nightmare - i have spent most of my day in tears - i think DH has no idea that he is part of the problem its all me in his mind - i am definitely guilty of trying too hard for too long - but my counsellor also said I am extremely loyal. I feel im in a mess and im worried for my kids

my life how old are your kids- i first came across PA behaviour when I posted on dadsnet after i had the i no longer love you speech before xmas 2013 and somebody told me i was being overly passive - one google led to another and i have ended up here - i never knew there was so much information and help out there - my focus is my kids now too - aware that they may have been damaged,trying to undo what has been done & reteach & trying to repair myself at the same time - all whilst i deal with divorce from hell

Hi greenberet - mine are 8, 13, 14 and 16. I have been in turmoil with him for years and years. But FOG and not being able to put my finger on it / pin it down to justify walking held me back - as well as recurrent health issues. I only stumbled on the term a few months ago - I had described him as an "avoider" - finding the definition and all the links has changed my life and set me free. Things are so much better since he has left - the house is calm, ordered and runs like clockwork.....so do the kids!!! We are v early days - he is trying to be complaint - I think he thinks I will gte overe myself and have him back. Once that penny drops I dont know what he will do.

Just wanted to say for those who are still inching along the diving board yet to take the plunge - that today - week 7 - I have noticed that I have moved on from numb/shock - I am happy and relieved.