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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I only want a man for sex...

173 replies

Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 09:46

...and fixing things. That's it.

I think I could be happy with no lifelong partner but just a few men in my life to help me out with the practical stuff and the sex.

They are the only two things I miss about not being in a relationship.

I have plenty of friends for the companionship, having a laugh, doing stuff like meals out, cinema, etc. I have dc and family I see regularly and am very close to.

The thought of sharing my home with someone, even just the staying over, all the compromising, putting up with what they want to watch on the tv, their fussy eating habits, their toilet habits, ugh, it really puts me off. The thought of sharing a bed with a man for a whole night, morning breath, stale farts, alcohol fumes, flabby bodies, hair and sweat, smelly socks, makes me feel sick. I am not exaggerating.

Does anyone feel the same way or is there something wrong with me?

OP posts:

Junglen · 04/01/2015 15:03

low self-esteem as much as no morals I think.

A lot of people who are married aren't particularly moral.

LividofLondon · 04/01/2015 15:04

"My FWB are lovely. Smart funny women. We go out and have diner,,go for walks and then the other if we're both in the mood. I respect them completely and visa-versa. We just none of us really want to be in a relationship"
What puzzles me though it what's the difference between what you have with your FWB and what you'd do with a girlfriend? What you're doing sounds like dating to me, a form of "relationship". What is your definition of "relationship"?

I think though that I do get hung up on terminology. I wouldn't want a long term FWB as I'd hope if we were having a great time together, in and out of the bedroom, that the man would have become emotionally attached to me. I associate FWB with not getting fond of the person. What's the difference between FWB and dating but not wanting marriage, cohabitation and kids? Is the former when the man can behave as though the woman is the bees knees but not get attached, and the latter is when the man would allow himself to get emotionally close?

Arrowminta · 04/01/2015 15:09

I've been single for years and have had various relationships with men I would never live with, met many who I would never want around for one second. I fix stuff myself or pay someone to do the jobs and some of these men I've been seeing have been offended that I haven't asked them to help out.

However, once in a blue moon, I might meet someone and would love to have them around more, even live with. I really do think it depends on who you meet.

Arrowminta · 04/01/2015 15:12

Bobby, do all your FWB know about each other and what you do with the others?

LindaFrankincense · 04/01/2015 15:27

I too like the idea of several men available to me for socialising, odd jobs
etc. I'd only want to have sex with one of them though, I think.

I've been burnt financially in previous relationships as I have assets and they didn't so they took some of mine. Tossers

No one will be living with me and my DCs and there will be no marriage.

I did a fair bit of OD last year and the men I met were wanting conventional relationships. I'm in my 50s, as were they, and they clearly did not want what I wanted, not that any were remotely suitable even for odd jobs

itwillgetbettersoon · 04/01/2015 15:32

I can believe the extra 8 hrs a week!! I now live with my two children and the amount of tidying up and cleaning I have to do has reduced considerably! The house certainly stays cleaner. I'm also not resentful that I'm cleaning and a partner is stretched out on the sofa etc etc.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 04/01/2015 15:38

No I don't think you are looking for FWB situation OP, and I don't think that the alternative to co habiting is necessarily casual sex
I agree that you a learn to fix things yourself but there is nothing wrong with wanting a sexual relationship without taking on someone else's whole life.
I want what Lady Blah has personally. That sounds great. A real relationship, just without the drudgery and pettiness, or blending kids.
And is it Hell sexist , whoever said that. If I read a thread from a man saying he only wanted a woman for sex, and was upfront about that in real life, I would say fair enough.

LividofLondon · 04/01/2015 15:42

"However, once in a blue moon, I might meet someone and would love to have them around more, even live with. I really do think it depends on who you meet."

I tend to agree with you there Arrowminta. I reckon that even if a person says they don't want a "relationship", that would change if they met someone who totally blew their mind. It's pretty much what I said to my man. I told him I was looking for someone to visit me every weekend (or every other weekend minimum), for drinks, food, DVD, sex. That I wasn't looking for someone to live with, marry or have kids with, BUT that if mutual feelings developed I wouldn't fight it. I was very emotionally guarded and felt great until a few months in he introduced me to his DC. To me that was moving the goalposts from FWB to GF, and since then I've felt emotionally vulnerable on occasion.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 04/01/2015 15:47

About the FWB thing. .It's become kind of accepted that men and women can have this sort of relationship, but in my experience it doesn't really work for women. It never worked for me. I can't help it, i want to be allowed to fall in love, and know he might be in love with me.
I have had a couple of guys that I thought were heading boyfriend-wards, but turned out to be eternal bachelors who just wanted what Bobby described. A nice time affection, sex, a night out, but no deeper connection, or comittment.
I think a lot of young women find themselvs agreeing to such arrangement so as to seem cool and undemanding, but end up feeling confused and hurt. Well I did anyway. Whatever you want out of a sexual relationship, you need to be super honest with the other person and also with yourself.

LadyBlaBlah · 04/01/2015 16:00

I was rubbish at FWB too

I get all silly if I have good sex with someone and have a habit of blurting out "I love you"
Pretty sure I mean lust, but still, totes inappropes for FWB.

Arrowminta · 04/01/2015 16:06

Me too, it worked with someone once but eventually he turned me into his 'main' one. Did all the things a comitted bf would do, whilst getting in touch with other women when I wasn't available. He got dumped when I realised the extent of his shittyness.

LadyBlaBlah · 04/01/2015 16:11

It never truly made sense the FWB thing to me.

If I had a friendship where it was considered "rude" or "uncool" to ask what they'd been up to, then I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be friends with them for long.

Maybe it was just the men I met who were FWB'ing, but they were terribly cagey and the unwritten rules were don't ask any questions, which just made the whole thing very unauthentic and ultimately a mind fuck.

I think the Friends part of FWB is a leetle misleading. It's just the benefits really innit.

CrispyFern · 04/01/2015 16:29

I had a lovely fwb relationship for two years. Was great. I think that's rare though.

BertieBotts · 04/01/2015 16:32

Yup. Totally agreed. My last one (I broke it off when I realised I was interested in now DH) insisted we were friends, but then never asked after me or spoke to me again

Fiddlerontheroof · 04/01/2015 16:34

I've been in a lovely relationship like this for a few years now.....it's been brilliant, completely independent, my house....etc etc

Anyway, we've bloody fallen in love with each other proper and are now taking about living together....having spent years saying how brilliant it is we don't live together! Lol!

albal14 · 04/01/2015 16:35

sundayplease can I submit my application form?
I see myself as eternally single, others? well that's up to them. I bought a flat whilst parted from an old ex, a one bedroomed flat. She was livid when I told her. Do not regret it at all. It's my space.

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 16:38

I couldn't ever see FEB working, I could see a duck buddy situation working though.

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 16:38

or even a fuck* buddy

Original poster

Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 16:39

Typical, fiddler!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 16:40

LadyBlahBlah. .. what you're describing is FWB without the 'F' and that's just a Booty Call set up ie. Cheaper than a hooker. :)

Original poster

Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 16:40

Is there a difference between a friend with benefits and a fuck buddy?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 16:41

Oh god I don't want a booty call arrangement.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 16:49

My FWB is exactly that, a friend. Like all my other friends we have a huge amount in common and we think each other is a terrific person. We talk all the time, help each other out in a crisis, go places together, .... you know.... what friends do :) The same as all my other friends we don't live in the same house. Unlike my other friends we have sex.

It's basically 'dating' for people who want to retain their independence.

waitingfor3 · 04/01/2015 17:03

I did have a great FWB relationship. He left town, we are still fairly close (emotionally) he is probably one of 4 adults who I truly trust.
We set out 'ground rules'. We get on well, we find each other attractive but wanted different things. I guess it could have been a 'fling' in some people's eyes. But when he went to events I knew he'd be looking for someone to date (romantically) and I knew I wanted someone less needy (as a partner) and to be part of my life.
It met a need at the time, but life did change what I wanted, it was convenient to have a friend to do fun things with and get some sex when I wanted, without any 'need' to think where we were going etc. I knew how we felt. We talk a lot.

minklundy · 04/01/2015 17:25

I tjink you need to be clear of the boundaries.

For some fwb means non monogamous and until something better comes along.
For others it means monogamous but not co.habiting

You have to ask yourself if in a fwb situation how you would feel if either you found out they had sex with others or they decided they no longer wanted sex with you because they had met someone and decided on a rs with them.

I was in a committed lt rs where we did not live together and had no plans too. Its ok.
Have also been fwb where I did not give a toss what they did.
Possibly it depends what your other options are. I.e. casual sex is ok as long as they can be replaced or won't be missed. Otherwise you are looking for a lt non cohabiting thinh

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