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Original poster

I only want a man for sex...

173 replies

Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 09:46

...and fixing things. That's it.

I think I could be happy with no lifelong partner but just a few men in my life to help me out with the practical stuff and the sex.

They are the only two things I miss about not being in a relationship.

I have plenty of friends for the companionship, having a laugh, doing stuff like meals out, cinema, etc. I have dc and family I see regularly and am very close to.

The thought of sharing my home with someone, even just the staying over, all the compromising, putting up with what they want to watch on the tv, their fussy eating habits, their toilet habits, ugh, it really puts me off. The thought of sharing a bed with a man for a whole night, morning breath, stale farts, alcohol fumes, flabby bodies, hair and sweat, smelly socks, makes me feel sick. I am not exaggerating.

Does anyone feel the same way or is there something wrong with me?

OP posts:
MadeMan · 04/01/2015 12:35

"you need to study mademan fire plans. They might come in handy."

I'm quicker than fire brigade, plus I've got my own uniform and everything!

Original poster
Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 12:55

Yes I am well over 35!

I separated three years ago and have been out with a few guys. One started staying over far too soon really. When I left the room he would turn the tv over to the exact same sky programme exh used to watch all day long! When I finished it he called me a cruel heartless bitch.

I thought I wanted to meet someone, fall in love, in time share a life together. Now I have realised that would not suit me after all and I feel a bit freer. Wasn't really looking at it as a friends with benefits situation but maybe that's what it is called.

And to the pp who recommended a vibrator, I do prefer the real thing.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 13:02

I might be understanding you wrong but I don't think FWB is the same thing as the independent arrangement you're describing. You don't have to live under the same roof as someone to be in a close or meaningful relationship. FWB to me at least is more about casual sex with no real emotional connection beyond that. What I have may be convenient but it's not cold or two dimensional at all.

LadyBlaBlah · 04/01/2015 13:05

Well I just sort of happened upon this relationship Dwerf.

And he wants exactly the same things. Guess we communicate pretty well so neither of us see it as a slight to the other.....just, for various reasons (including the awful thought of blending dcs - now that IS hell on earth to me) we are happy being teenage type bf/gf.

It's the best relationship I've ever had.

We do City Breaks a few times a year and text our undying love every night before bed. I feel like I should write a boppy bubblegum pop song Blush

I think more people would enjoy this set up but are confined by societal expectations. So many people still ask, "wedding bells?"

And then get weirdly shocked by our United "NEVER" response, then probably go off thinking "yeah right", course they'll get married. We won't though Smile

lemisscared · 04/01/2015 13:06

can you not fix things yourself?

Original poster
Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 13:10

Well I usually pay someone to do the fixing.

OP posts:
itwillgetbettersoon · 04/01/2015 13:11

I don't think you are saying you want a FWB type thing. I'm dating a man and like others have said the thought of blended families etc means we will not be living together for at least 8 years. However we go out on lovely dates, pub meals etc. It is like being a young person again without any of the routine. At the moment I quite like it.

Original poster
Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 13:11

I need a handyman on tap and someone who is happy to oblige with the sex without putting the pressure on for more. They don't have to be the same person.

OP posts:
middleeasternpromise · 04/01/2015 13:12

I'm not sure it is thread drift Bobby but as someone else said up thread the appreciation of these types of relationships comes with age and I would also say experience. If you've had the 'pleasure' of trying to deal with someone's excessive foibles and you have the misfortune to love them enough to want to please them, the freedom post ending of that sort of relationship can leave you very reluctant to be locked down again in that sort of situation. Highly critical people are an extreme trauma to live with as they program you to spend you life on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. Its no fun. Conversely, the benefit is you really don't feel lonely when on your own and I for one relish my freedom in my own space. I have no issues with living with my children, but another adult - that's a whole different story. The other issues is finance, no getting away from it when you're young and in love having two shabby bedsits really doesn't stand well against the pooling of resources and acquiring a whole 1 bed flat !!! In later life, if you are more affluent what need have you of co-habituating? in fact if you have children and done one round of divorce and pot-splitting, you would be mad to enter that game again if you can avoid it.

Original poster
Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 13:12

No I don't think I want fwb either as such.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 04/01/2015 13:13

Tinder is supposed to be good for casual sex isn't it?

I agree that if you're finding relationships annoying and tedious you've probably been in the wrong relationships. I've never asked someone to sit down to pee or pestered them about their emotions, or had to ask permission to do normal things.

There are annoying things about being in a relationship - someone doing stuff in your space, watching TV/listening to music you don't like, having different standards of cleaning or cooking or furniture buying or whatever (some standard, somewhere, will be lower than yours and it will be annoying).

There's no rule that says you have to be in a relationship and if you're happy single that's great, but most of the reasons given on this thread aren't reasons to avoid relationships but just that those particular relationships weren't right.

Original poster
Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 13:15

Too right middle eastern re the finances.

I don't know anyone in real life who feels the same as me. Friends are all married or desperately looking to settle down if they are on their own.

OP posts:
Gfplux · 04/01/2015 13:47

Most men would like the FWB situation. Sadly many of them are married.

peggyundercrackers · 04/01/2015 14:16

Living apart sounds hard work, knowing where each other is when wanting to eat, go out or do anything else sounds like a lot of effort.

You know you are no different to anyone else and as such you have morning breath, your socks smell, your farts smell the same as everyone else's, you sweat, you have body hair and all the other things you don't want to deal with. Your ideals come across as quite unrealistic and you come across as wanting to use people for your benefit - selfish at all?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 14:27

@peggyundercrackers just because it sounds like hard work to you and you can't imagine that kind of relationship, there's no need to dismiss the OP as selfish. I have a lot of married/ partnership friends and, whilst claiming to be happy, they seem to spend a lot of time complaining. It's a free world and there isn't just one type of relationship model thank goodness.

BobbyBingoooo · 04/01/2015 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Junglen · 04/01/2015 14:29

lol re the man changing the channel to the sports channel the second you left the room! That'd be right up there with taking a poo with the bathroom door open for me.

I have a male friend (he really is a friend, never so much as snogged) but he told me where he'd put the TV if he lived in my house.

peggyundercrackers · 04/01/2015 14:33

@cogito I can imagine what the thread responses would be if a man came on here and said I don't want a woman staying here, I just want to shag about and get someone to come round and do my washing (an equal of the op asking for someone to come round and do practical thing)

Selfish wouldn't even to begin to cover the responses...

Original poster
Sundayplease · 04/01/2015 14:43

peggy I don't want to use anyone but selfish, yes.

But it's important I know what I want as I can be clearer and more honest with men now. The last guy I met told me he was looking for a relationship on the first date. It set off alarm bells for me but I didn't say anything and that wasn't fair on him. When I finished it he said he knew he was scaring me off. I plan to be more upfront in future.

OP posts:
Junglen · 04/01/2015 14:48

I think the difference is though that there is no shortage of men who would be delighted to find a woman who wanted nothing more from them than sex. A woman who didn't want their time, or their thoughts, or their scintillating conversation.

If you turned round and said that to a man after you'd become close he'd be hurt but a lot of men believe that it's what they want. They want it so long as it's them that doesn't want the woman's thoughts & time etc... If it's their own considerations being rejected for sex, omg, men can sure pout.

Junglen · 04/01/2015 14:51

Yeh, upfront is a good idea.

I would like a good relationship but the kind of man I'd want that with is not ubiquitous, or available.

I was upfront with my last bf and he still told me I was cold when I didn't give in on something we argued about (he wanted to stay over)

The 'you're so cold' chestnut.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2015 14:51

I may be wrong but there seem to be a few men on the thread saying exactly the same thing and they're not getting flamed.... Hmm Bit lazy to call sexism

As ever, it's about compatibility. Provided everyone's honest about their expectations, no one's leading anyone up the garden path and so on, it's often a very grown up solution

LadyBlaBlah · 04/01/2015 14:53

@peggy
You see what you are doing there?
The experience of marriage/LTr is not the same for men and women.

If you've ever perused some of the stats, say in Wifework, you'll see that women still do the majority of shit jobs in LTR. So a woman gets a lot of shit stuff in many LTR usually, so it's a bit different when she says I just want sex and DIY- different to what a woman 'should' want out of a relationship, if she were a good girl/ wifey. Nothing wrong with it, indeed I do believe there's a man on this thread saying the same, yet you've only criticised the female op.

I realise sweeping generalisations but please note 'usually' has been used.

For example, co-habit ing with a man puts 8 hours a week extra work for a woman, on average.
I'd rather spend my 8 hours a week doing something else.

Selfish? If you say so.

Junglen · 04/01/2015 14:57

8 hours of extra work? I can believe that tbh.

If I ever lived with a man, because of experiences in the past, I'd have to watch myself so carefully that I didn't just step up to fill in the man's expectation. And the difficulty is that so much of his (no man in particular) expectation is just societal, the norm, entitlement he's been allowed to hold on to, that when the woman doesn't fill in the gaps in the work at home, it feels like a confrontational thing not a 'fair' thing.

Really tricky.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/01/2015 15:00

I don't think the OP is being selfish at all.

As I said upthread, as long as you are open and honest about what you want and you have a mutual respect for the other person then there's nothing wrong in that.

If you're both single then you have nobody to answer to. Oh and I totally disagree with a pp who said that's why women go after married men, no commitment. That's a whole other thread about no morals!

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