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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage - I need to understand why I feel like this so that I can explain it.

200 replies

feelingunsupported · 03/01/2015 00:23

I want to get married. Dp doesn't.

I've read lots of threads that start like this but I'm stuck and upset because for some reason I have changed my mind about marriage and I'm not sure why.

I've always firmly believed that marriage wasn't important. That its how you feel about someone that is important but since I had ds 3 years ago I have wanted us to get married.

Dp says I'm unfair because we agreed that we felt the same way about marriage when we got together and I guess he is right -I'm trying to move the goal posts and that's not fair. But I can't help feeling like this and it's causing rows. It is the only thing we row about.

My reasons for wanting to get married are:
Commitment (even though we own our home and have ds together. I still just want the commitment and can't really explain why)
Surname - I stupidly agreed to ds having dps surname and I hate having to say 'I'm xx xx, yy yy's mum'
Financial - dp and I both have teachers pensions but, if anything happens to one of us I guess it just disappears - I don't think the other can claim it
Partner - I don't like using the word partner and like boyfriend / girlfriend even less - we're in our 30's and 40's

Dp's reasons for not getting married:
He doesn't want to.

I know there's no compromise. I've come to bed upset after seeing 2 wedding announcements on the dreaded facebook and fancied a rant and a little cry

OP posts:
mix56 · 03/01/2015 17:38

imagine if you were a SAHM.......
the anguish.... the whole package... Alpha bravo seems to say it well from my point of view.

Viviennemary · 03/01/2015 17:39

You should insist on marriage or else. It's the only way if he's dragging his feet. How dare he pussyfoot round with this silly commitment phobia when you have a child together. Yes he's a right not to want to get married and you've the right to show him the door. Sorry but it's about time these men were told what's what.

HanselandGretle · 03/01/2015 17:45

He needs to give you valid reasons for not wanting to get married, saying you are the unfair one and getting angry and disengaging from you for changing your mind is unfair. He is being unreasonable.
You want to be married from what I can see, because you want to be 'married' if you see what I mean. You have every right to a conversation about this. He has every right to say no, but it's the inflexibility and dismissive attitude that would get me.
I would consider your future together if he will not change his mind, your resentment will not go away.

Twinklestein · 03/01/2015 17:49

OP when your partner says 'it's all pointless', I'm not sure if he's referring to the discussion or marriage.

I can see it's a bit of a problem if you find it hard to argue your point and start crying.

Have you ever actually talked through the legal and financial implications of not being married? Or do the arguments focus more on wanting to vs not wanting to? Is he aware of the status quo?

The obvious first step is to note down point by point all the legal and financial issues, the importance of going to a solicitor to organise your affairs if you aren't going to marry, and steel yourself to keep calm and rational and read it all off to him.

Iggi999 · 03/01/2015 17:52

I hope your talk goes well.
I do think some of your reasons for marrying will never mean anything to him - I'm struggling to relate to all the hating your son's name stuff, as a married-but-not-name-changing person - so if he agrees to get married, do you really have to insist he also wants it as much as you?

prettywhiteguitar · 03/01/2015 17:57

I changed my ds to a double barrelled name as I hated that he didn't have my name, I totally get you op

Tbh your boyfriend sounds like a dick if he won't even entertain a discussion about how you feel

Original poster
feelingunsupported · 03/01/2015 17:59

I've written it all down - 4 pages of scrawl dampened by my steaming bath.

I've tried to be as true to me as I can be without waffling on. I'll put ds to bed later and give him it then.

Not sure what I'll do if he still refuses to talk about it. Writing it down made me feel massively relieved though.

We've had one conversation about pensions very recently but he was convinced that living together and being parents gave us the same rights... again, this is on 'the list of stuff to sort...'

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 03/01/2015 18:14

He sounds like he needs to go to a solicitors to get some actual facts. There's no point in trying to explain it yourself, maybe then he might get it.

PeruvianFoodLover · 03/01/2015 18:17

There are loads of websites that highlight the differences between living together and marriage - see if you can find a "male orientated" one so that he doesnt switch off as soon as he sees it.

MatildaTheCat · 03/01/2015 18:19

Not sure if you have seen This but it is quite comprehensive. Sorry your partner is acting this way. The truth of life is that after you have children your views on major life stuff does change. You grow up. Your priorities change. Marriage isn't really all about romance or conforming with societal norms. It's about protecting families within the law and it's important.

Good luck with the conversation. Hope you can keep calm and he sees that you are speaking sense. Smile

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2015 18:23

A small point, but there is nothing stopping you referring to your husband. I do this all the time, and I'm not married. I'm not keen on partner either, and boyfriend is just laughable at our age. Everybody knows what husband means, and nobody cares if you have the paperwork.

MorrisZapp · 03/01/2015 18:24

At Christmas, we get each other husband and wife Christmas cards! It started as an ironic joke but we pretty much mean it now. And I don't think we'll ever actually be married.

Twinklestein · 03/01/2015 18:29

We've had one conversation about pensions very recently but he was convinced that living together and being parents gave us the same rights... again, this is on 'the list of stuff to sort...'

Ok so he's totally out of touch. That's heartening in a way because it means that if the realities are spelt out he may begin to see the point. And it also implies he's not doing this because he thinks that he will be better off... He sounds more clueless than clued up and crafty...

Original poster
feelingunsupported · 03/01/2015 18:54

Thank you Matilda that link is excellent.

Sorry Morris but that definitely wouldn't work for me. I'm glad it does for you and I can see how it would but that's not what I want.

Thank you all again for the advice, info and for letting me waffle

OP posts:
Snappynewyear · 03/01/2015 19:07

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm
Here lists very simply the differences between married and unmarried couples and the implications.

I suggest you look at all the financial implications, plus next of kin, children etc and look at how much this will all cost to cover you in the case of bereavement or separation. A solicitor will have to draw up all the necessary agreements and next week I suggest you get a free half hour and go with your list, go through it all and ask for a costing to make the agreement financially binding.

It could be that DP will see how expensive it all is and decide a quick trip to the registry office will be far cheaper!

Snappynewyear · 03/01/2015 19:10

Living together and marriage: legal differences

Click on this bit in the left hand panel ^^

Phineyj · 03/01/2015 19:44

I think in your position I would go to Relate or another counselling service. I have had issues in my marriage (different ones) and it was very helpful to talk them over with a third person in the room. I found out some useful things about how DH thinks - he had not communicated most of it to me and we had got to the stage of him refusing to discuss the issues at all while I felt increasingly anxious and unsupported. You may find your occupational health at school can arrange counselling.

BadKatie · 03/01/2015 20:18

Would a compromise be good if you told him you would be happy with a quiet wedding - just the two of you and your son, with a couple of witnesses? Then you have the marriage that seems to be what you really want rather than the big do that he seems to be frightened of?

RandomMess · 03/01/2015 20:31

I'm pretty sure I'm correct in saying that is cheaper to get married than pay all the costs for legalities required if you don't marry!!!

I totally understand that feeling of "not being good enough to marry" - feeling that he wasn't proud of me and also not having the same name as my dc.

At least in our case it was because DH didn't want the wedding - he was terrified and that of course meant I felt I wasn't worth one day of him struggling - argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway we did get married it was a quiet wedding and dh totally regrets not inviting more people - could have clocked him one when he admitted that as we left!

Chunderella · 03/01/2015 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Moniker1 · 04/01/2015 07:07

Do you share the mortgage? You've reduced your hours, do you do most of the housework?

Sounds like he has a 'wife' without any change to his life. Perhaps ask him to do a 4 day week so you can fairly split the home work (as you are equal individuals not a marriage), can he take over the mortgage as you would like to separate things and buy a buy to let?

You've walked into a married scenario where he is the main earner but are supposedly both single.

Original poster
feelingunsupported · 04/01/2015 09:39

My brother called in last night so we didn't get to talk. I left the letter on his pillow as I came to bed first.

I heard him reading it in the bathroom but tbh I was too tired to talk by then - way after midnight. He's up with ds so I've not seen him yet this morning.

It feels weird going down knowing that I've poured my heart out in a letter...

OP posts:
YonicSleighdriver · 04/01/2015 09:43

Good lucj

Twinklestein · 04/01/2015 09:59

Moniker makes a really good point: he has gained the benefits of having a wife, while you have none of the benefits of actually being one.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 04/01/2015 10:55

Go downstairs wearing a wedding dress. ??

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