Marriage - I need to understand why I feel like this so that I can explain it.

[feelingunsupported]

I want to get married. Dp doesn't.

I've read lots of threads that start like this but I'm stuck and upset because for some reason I have changed my mind about marriage and I'm not sure why.

I've always firmly believed that marriage wasn't important. That its how you feel about someone that is important but since I had ds 3 years ago I have wanted us to get married.

Dp says I'm unfair because we agreed that we felt the same way about marriage when we got together and I guess he is right -I'm trying to move the goal posts and that's not fair. But I can't help feeling like this and it's causing rows. It is the only thing we row about.

My reasons for wanting to get married are:
Commitment (even though we own our home and have ds together. I still just want the commitment and can't really explain why)
Surname - I stupidly agreed to ds having dps surname and I hate having to say 'I'm xx xx, yy yy's mum'
Financial - dp and I both have teachers pensions but, if anything happens to one of us I guess it just disappears - I don't think the other can claim it
Partner - I don't like using the word partner and like boyfriend / girlfriend even less - we're in our 30's and 40's

Dp's reasons for not getting married:
He doesn't want to.

I know there's no compromise. I've come to bed upset after seeing 2 wedding announcements on the dreaded facebook and fancied a rant and a little cry

I'm still here. I don't think our chat will go well - I've just asked if we can sit down and talk tonight. He raised his eyes and said 'yeah, whatever' and I got cross. I'm in the car while he battles Tesco with ds as I want some head space. I feel totally defeated.

Alpha, your post was "it is impossible to emulate marriage legally"

Chunderella agreed with you by saying "indeed it is" (ie indeed it is impossible). If that wasn't clear to you, the rest of her post about as many alternate protections as possible should have made it perfectly clear.

OP, sorry! You both have the perfect right to change your views on any subject, from fox hunting to politics to marriage - I'm not sure why he thinks otherwise, apart from the fact it's inconvenient that your views are now different to his.

On a subject you think differently on currently, ask him if he would be cross if you suddenly agreed with him...

Ohhhh op! I feel exactly like you, we have been together years ( nearly 20) and have one small child. We prob would've got married years ago if it wasn't for some silly family argument that led to dp not speaking to his parents for years and then when it was all sorted we wanted a child more than anything and really wasn't bothered about it.
Now we have the child I want more commitment, hate having a different surname to my daughter, hate calling him other half or fiancé ( yes we are engaged but that's as far as it goes) and generally just want the big day, I cry at wedding but it's usually coz part of me knows it will never be me. Dp always has some excuse ' too expensive' ' not a big enough family to make the day' etc etc. it's really upsetting.i almost feel like it's got to the point I question if he loves me enough I really feel your pain

Glad you're still here op. Whatever anyone says, you know whats important to you. Regardless of anyone's opinion your feelings are your own and totally valid. Please don't be made to feel unreasonable or feelings invalid.

If not being married is a deal breaker for you then be honest. At the absolute minimum put your house in order re your financial position. I get the feeling that he will try to deflect the issue to keep the status quo but he needs to know that isn't an option.

I'm another one who got married for legal reasons as it was the cheapest way of putting in place the arrangements we wanted (and in the case of stepchildren, marriage is considered differently from cohabiting).

It was a legal transaction and we told no-one - we considered it no diffferent from going to a solicitors office and signing some documents.

OP - how about you approach the conversation from a different POV? Highlight what it is about your current situation that leaves you feeling vulnerable and ask him to help you find a solution that you are both happy with; if marriage is off the cards for him, then OK, you respect that, but there must be some way of addressing at least some of your concerns, and you're asking for his help with that?

Apologies to whoever asked - I now only work 4 days so my earnings / pension have been cut by a fifth.

I think us ladies are more likely to change our minds on things like marriage and children than men. Some men will happily accept that but some cannot seem to do so and have this "but we agreed that it wasn't important" and stick with that for life. I think often we can agree with men in early stage relationship as we are so young it just doesn't enter our heads to think 10 years ahead. It's a dangerous game though saying you don't want marriage and kids as a younger woman in a relationship though as men tend to hold you to it if they think the same.

I bet if he had said he wanted marriage and kids in the future at the start of your relationship, it wouldn't have been a deal breaker to you even though at that point you didn't. You may have even agreed that you did too!!

Feelingunsupported Do not feel defeated. Your wish to be married is perfectly valid. I would like to know WHY he's ideologically opposed to marriage. Changing your mind about things shows flexibility and reappraisal. It's not something you should feel bad about: relationships and life is not static. Relationships survive of fail based on how you embrace change.

It doesn't have to be a big meringue wedding to be good blondebaby.
My OH wanted no one, other than the witnesses. However I decided that I wanted my brothers at least, so we invited immediate family, my bros, his bros & spouses, his mum & each invited his 3 best friends & their spouses.
We did the paperwork then went to a restaurant where we had the whole place. It was fabulous, everyone there said it was the best marriage they had been to !
So you don't have to have the frock, the bridesmaids,the flowers, the horse & carriage, the marquis, the band.... It's not the same budget at all !

of or

Perhaps you should offer to toss a coin: heads you marry, tails you don't. I don't see why the default position should be to defer to his position. Unless he says he can't commit to marriage because he doesn't feel able to make that commitment to you. Then at least you know where you are.

At the very least you deserve a proper conversation about it. It's rubbish of him to say he doesn't want to discuss it.

I agree with Alpha, leaving aside the legal / financial arguments, even if your only reason was that you wanted to, why should his point of view trump yours?

alpha - I'd like to know that too. When we've argued in the past about it he just says it's all pointless. I'm useless at arguing my point and just end up crying and walking away. I know that this is childish and I always go into it thinking I'll be rational but I can't.

I'm home now and running a hot bath. I'm going to try to write down how I feel and give that to him later.

He's entitled to believe it's all pointless. But you are entitled to think it's not. Rather than trying to convince him it's not pointless, I'd go down that route if I were you (ie trying to explain how much it matters to you and appeal to his better nature).

Would it help if you concentrated on the positives, you have a son, a good relationship, a job and a house.

Try and enjoy the life you have rather than think about what you do nt have.

In your chat can you get him to separate his feelings about marriage from how he feels about weddings (which may or may not be an issue). Or suggest that you don't mind not being married if you have the nearest possible legal protection - and get him to sort that out. He might decide a registry office is the easier option!
Is he worried your relationship will change if you marry? He may be a but thrown by having a partner wanting to be MrsHisname etc, if he has never seen you as being in that role/mind frame before!

feelingunsuported Ask him calmly to describe his reasons for wanting to remain unmarried. If it's not a commitment problem, then he needs to understand that his preference to remain unmarried does not usurp your need and your child's need for proper legal protection should bad things happen. Tell him it's not good enough and he needs to grow up.

And there's nothing wrong with crying if that's the way it makes you feel.

Thanks northern but no, to be blunt - it doesn't. I've tried to, I really have but it's on my mind a lot which affects all the other stuff.

One thing that's been on my mind all day is the next of kin stuff and all the other morbid bits

Dp's parents are lovely, I love them dearly but - they have a tendency to see things in black and white. If dp were on life support (dramatic I know) I would be devastated if they got to make the decision to turn it off.

Similarly - if he dies first I don't want to be referred to as his partner at his funeral.

Oh I'm rambling and I sound ridiculous. Thanks again for the advice and letting me sound off though.

Do you plan to have more children? I think that one of the first things I'd be saying would be how sad I was to not share a family name with DS and how I'd be registering the next one with my own surname... alone. Because you aren't married, he won't have the right to register your next child without you there - the choice of all names is legally completely yours.

No we can't have any more children.

I started having this change of heart about marriage etc when ds was born - I so wish I'd registered him under my name as I don't think I'd feel as strongly about marriage if I had.

I'm already thinking about when he goes to school - nursery know us well and just use first names for us all. I hate saying my son's full name because it's not the same as mine. How crap is that?

The danger is a Pyrrhic Victory. I'd be inclined to state my decision to separate. Not because he doesn't want to marry, but because I would have no respect for a man who is unwilling to sensibly discuss future proofing provision for his loved ones. The lack of respect would preclude a future.

Ask your boyfriend if you can change DS's surname to yours? That's not an unreasonable ask. And can easily be done before he starts school.

Alpha I agree with your point re the respect which is what I've been trying to express in a roundabout way.