Am I being too Needy or is this not right?

[AmINeedy]

Hi
I was married for 20 years and divorced 2 years ago and 6 months later met a single man with no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners.
He's a lovely man,so funny, always on the go and generally can't sit still, he loves his sport , works hard and away a lot but when home he has to go to the pub every Wednesday,Friday,Sunday as routine and more recently another 2 nights. Some weeks he'll be there 5 nights a week and as I work nights this could mean not seeing each other and no time for us to go out doing other things together as it's pub night or there's a fight or football match in so he goes to the pub to watch it rather than home.
We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.
Then he plays golf which means when the weather is brighter his weekends are taken up too leaving us zero hours together as those nights Sat and Sun he'll go to the pub after til after midnight.
He said I'm too needy ?
If he's been away for two weeks with work when he gets home that night he'll be with his friends down his local pub not with me though he'll pop over for an hour to say hi then gone.
There's one other issue , no sex in any shape or form , he can't he has erectile dysfunction , we tried when we first met but he felt to embarrassed and brushed it under the carpet and won't discuss it, if I do he gies angry . He went as far as getting Viagra but won't use them.
Put all this together I feel really unwanted but I feel I'm being selfish and after being married so long to a man who visited match.com behind my back I'm worried I'm the problem here?
Just reread my post and I see I do look pathetic .
This man wants us to live together but how can I live in a sexless nit even touching relationship where he'll be at the pub from 8 pm til closing 3-5 times a week ?
I'm really lost ??

"I wondered how other people dealt with partners who spent set evenings in a pub, playing darts, meeting his golf buddies,,,,,,"

Many go on to ditch them ultimately or make alternate lives for themselves because such self absorbed and selfish men only ever think of their own selves.

I'd had various conversations with him over the house he lives in that he rents from his ex as it was there home, he pays the mortgage but it's her house as part of the settlement . He's so set in his ways he wanted to stay there, I couldn't ever put money into that house .
The most recent being yesterday when I told him I couldn't buy a house with him, that when my house is sold I'm buying my own fir my sons to inherit .
He's a well known man in the community , many of my friends know of him,his past and exes, surely some of these would know, he was akways good to his ex wives , there's no issue of money. He's just tight for a wealthy man but that's his business

Actually you do sound 'needy', you are loving all this drama, any other woman would see this man for what he is and just move on, you seem to want to 'change' him into your ideal man.
It is clearly not working, you know that, why are you putting up with this? I wonder what your sons think of their mother mooning all over this plonker? .
It is still not at all clear what exactly you get out of this situation.
Pick yourself up, end the 'relationship' (such that it is) and get on with enjoying your life.

First time for me on this thread. You said right at the beginning that he wouldn't stay over with you in your house because you don't have sky sports. What does that say to you amineedy? Doesn't that say that him watching sport on the telly is far more important to him than you are.

And that is just one thing I picked up on. There's about 100 other things which shows to me he thinks tiddly squat about you and I haven't the foggiest why you are angsting over him when he doesn't even want to spend time in your company.;

On the sex thing - don't think he's gay for one minute. He's lazy. He has ED and can't be bothered to do anything to make it better or to satisfy you. Why should he? He's gone a year and you haven't walked away, have you. However, I bet he's the big man up the pub when talking with a crowd of his mates. Bet he doesn't tell them he can't get it up!

For the sake of the remains of your sanity, tell this waste of space to take a hike. You have no relationship with him despite what you think. I spend more time with my neighbour up the road than you do with this bloke!

I posted here to see if my thoughts were right, I don't get anything but care for someone. Human nature,
I'm not mooning over anyone quiet the opposite, obviously not explaining things properly.
Not looking for sympathy either just clear thoughts of how others deal with relationships ,,,some people cope with Exes in a relationship, others cringe and wouldn't tolerate that , I asked about my situation because I was thinking I can't do this any more ,then I thought were supposed to accept people as they are so I posted here fir thoughts,
Guess not explained to well if you consider this co dependant behaviour, far from it x

This is incredibly frustrating to read. I suspect we could all tell you until we're blue in the face that you're on a hiding to absolutely nothing, but you don't seem ready to listen.

Please get some counselling to help you figure it all out and maybe develop some strategies to spot the glaring red flags a bit earlier next time. You are worth an awful lot better than this pitiful excuse for a relationship.

As carly says, this is so far from a 'normal' relationship between two adults that most of the responders on this thread are just incredulous at why you stay with this bloke.

If one of your sons was in this sort of 'relationship' would you be happy for him?

I think counselling is a good idea and perhaps you also need to ask yourself why you are so anxious to have a man in your life?

Is he an old fashioned cad - bit charming but ultimately irresponsible?

READ THIS:

www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship

Do find yourself making lots of sacrifices for your partner's happiness, but not getting much in return? If that kind of one-sided pattern sounds like yours, you don't have to feel trapped. There are lots of ways to change a codependent relationship and get your life back on an even keel.

What Is a Codependent Relationship?
The first step in getting things back on track is to understand the meaning of a codependent relationship. Experts say it's a pattern of behavior in which you find yourself dependent on approval from someone else for your self-worth and identity.

One key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs.

"Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy," says Scott Wetzler, PhD, psychology division chief at Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "One or both parties depend on their loved ones for fulfillment."

Anyone can become codependent. Some research suggests that people who have parents who emotionally abused or neglected them in their teens are more likely to enter codependent relationships.

"These kids are often taught to subvert their own needs to please a difficult parent, and it sets them up for a long-standing pattern of trying to get love and care from a difficult person," says Shawn Burn, PhD, a psychology professor at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo.

"They're often replaying a childhood pattern filled with development gaps," Wetzler says.

How to Know You're in a Codependent Relationship
Watch out for these signs that you might be in a codependent relationship:

Are you unable to find satisfaction in your life outside of a specific person?
Do you recognize unhealthy behaviors in your partner but stay with him or her in spite of them?
Are you giving support to your partner at the cost of your own mental, emotional, and physical health?
"Individuals can also assume they are in a codependent relationship if people around them have given them feedback that they are too dependent on their partner or if they have a desire, at times, for more independence but feel an even stronger conflict when they attempt to separate in any way," says psychologist Seth Meyers.

"They'll feel anxiety more consistently than any other emotion in the relationship," Meyers says, "and they'll spend a great deal of time and energy either trying to change their partner or … trying to conform to their partner's wishes."

2nd page from Web.MD:
Impact of a Codependent Relationship
Giving up your own needs and identity to meet the needs of a partner has unhealthy short-term and long-term consequences.

"You can become burned out, exhausted, and begin to neglect other important relationships," Burn says. "And if you're the enabler in a codependent relationship meaning you promote the other person's dysfunctions you can prevent them from learning common and needed life lessons."

How to Change a Codependent Relationship
Breaking up isn't necessarily the best or only solution. To repair a codependent relationship, it's important to set boundaries and find happiness as an individual, says psychologist Misty Hook, PhD.

She recommends that partners talk about and set relationship goals that satisfy them both.

"It's also important to spend time with relatives, friends, and family to broaden the circle of support," she says. "Find hobbies of your own. Try separating for certain periods of time to create a healthy dependence on one another."

But do keep in mind that your actions may unintentionally worsen a codependent relationship, Wetzler says.

"Sometimes people delude themselves into thinking they are helping a codependent partner by continuing to cater to his or her anxiety," he says. "But ask if you are truly helping or simply fostering that negativity."

Carlywurly I totally agree with everyone, already saud they were my thoughts before I came on here, just because I'm not acting instantly that's all

this book might help you OP.

Something todo....in that case as a mother in am codependent on my children ,,,really

I'm hardly with him either lol a few times a mint hi see him , lol really x

Think you've taken this to another level and not read my first post, I don't see this person enough nor am I changing to fit in with his life ,
That's the reason I am on here because I couldn't confirm to his way of life nor live his way, I can't let him live his life the way he has with me in it, I don't fit nor want to fit in his tyoe of lifestyle . I only asked if I was needy expecting to find someone who had more time for me, as I was feeling guilty at putting myself first as many other women would be quite happy to live this life, I'm not. We barely see each other and when we can he chose to go to the oub than me, the on,y thing I gave up w as a sexual relationship becUse I didn't want to hurt his feelings,,,,
This is turning out more complicated than my post lol
Think I'll call it a day, your confusing my simple request

I'm sure you'll get it sorted. Bottom line is you deserve more than you're getting and you're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do. Good luck with it all and don't take everything to heart, you always get a mixed bag of opinions, it's one of the joys /difficulties of mn.

I have a happy full filling life and job, I don't need a partner , I'd like to have made it work with him if I thought there was a chance but there isn't because I can't live his way,,,, as you know I'd already decided I couldn't live this way, not the sign of a co dependant ,,,really please think before you try to put people in a box.
Wanting to stay with him,trying to change to fit in with his life is everything I have saud IAM not going to do .
Really, that was the point I was making x

Thankyou Rumred,,,, I realise that.
Last post bye xx

Odd (or maybe just deluded or in denial?) - that you are audacious enough to poo-poo the guidance of Joseph Goldberg, CLINICAL PROFESSOR Psychiatry at Mount Sinai Hospital...............

I wish you well.

Obviously both somethingtodo but gracious you made your point, I wish you well :)

A heady combination of 'eau de mixed messages' with top notes of 'ambiguity' here, I think. Not clear whether OP plans, after MN's resounding roar of 'no it's not needy', to leave the guy, or not...but I suppose that part's none of our business. She's quite clear she doesn't feel her situation is co-dependent, so she's perfectly entitled to dismiss learned notes on the subject, no matter how revered the professor. I'm nervous of the kind of advice which says 'if you don't agree with me, you're in denial'.

Sorry about 3rd party btw OP - thought you'd gone!

Why is there always some odd story about a house involving these type of men? They can't seem to just own a small flat or something following a divorce settlement (or three).

I'd had various conversations with him over the house he lives in that he rents from his ex as it was there home, he pays the mortgage but it's her house as part of the settlement . He's so set in his ways he wanted to stay there, I couldn't ever put money into that house . The most recent being yesterday when I told him I couldn't buy a house with him, that when my house is sold I'm buying my own fir my sons to inherit

Aside from the fact that its extremely odd to be talking about the possibility of buying a house with a man you're not even having sex with (even if just to reject it) or who won't even stay the night, be careful you are not getting involved with a conman who moves from woman to woman. I wouldn't believe anything about any houses unless you see it written down.

What on earth is a "wealthy local man" that you keep talking about? If he's that wealthy, why doesn't he buy his own house? No doubt he will have some plausible local explanation for that too. Thing is, most people lose money on divorce, good job or not. Three would leave most people on their uppers. The fact he's living in his ex's house is odd and should set alarm bells ringing. This man is not doing badly out of all these women who are his exs.

In fact, how can someone who spends so much time in the pub hold down such a well paid job anyway?

I think the bottom line is... no one can even begin to understand why you are asking the question "am I being needy wanting more from this man and not fiting in with HIS life" when posters on here wouldn't have put up with his behaviour for 5 minutes and wonder how you've got to this point where you even have to ask this question...

I wish you luck OP in being strong and making a life for yourself without this waste of space in your life, you are worth more.

walk - I never said OP was in a co-dep relationship, the revered (deservedly) Atilla suggested it....I then researched and shared a credible, independent, review from a world expert in psychiatry (not psychobabble).

OP had such an immediate, allergic, reaction to the content and responded with this put personal down...

"Something todo....in that case as a mother in am codependent on my children ,,,really I'm hardly with him either lol a few times a mint hi see him , lol really x"

My deluded/denial comment was in response to her "lol's" suggesting co-dep was the same as parenting...

FWIW - suggested up thread alcoholic - how can you return from pub pissed at 2am 5-7 nights a week and not be an alcoholic? and how much does this habit cost?

And what does an addict need? a co-dep enabler -- driving to the pub and someone to fart on and lay their fat swampy arse next to once a week.

"Wealthy man" - again sound like grooming, smoke and mirrors from the charismatic cad.....what bobby on the beat, with 3 divorces behind him and who spends most nights in the pub can even be solvent....

To answer your question OP, if that is all you really want from this forum, NO, you are not being too needy, and YES, it is not right. END OF. Bin him.

Somethingtodo it's easy from the outside to look in.

You are probably right my past childhood was something as described,

I hate it coming up because dunce childhood I have dealt with losing my first husband in a fatal accident then my next marriage my husband had an affair,.
Regardless and partly because of my up bringing I've tried my best to never let things get to me, to let things get to me would be a sign of weakness and failure ,

As a child the way to diffuse a situation was to smile and not show my feelings were hurt other wise it made a situation worse and I'd take myself into my room and avoid situations.

When you live in that situation you do find yourself trying to win over the angered parent and crawl to them I guess to diffuse a situation and something I guess I have learnt to do.

We are all products of our childhoods and 3 kids growing up with the same parents still grow up differently , a Nature ,Nurture,

I'm not one to blame ones past for our behaviour so yes you hit a nerve, I hate our past being blamed for our future.

With this in mind I placed a post for advice because I am well aware that I may put up with things longer than most people yet I have the ability to realise the situation I am putting myself in.
Drawing my attention to the co dependantancy was really in my eyes discrediting my plea for initial advice as I am well aware I don't let go when I should, scared of making a mistake. Hence my asking for advice,

I guess I divulged too much info to complicate matters but I always try to defend and justify my choices and turned to give a full picture .

On the other hand, what kind of a person would I have been to end my relationship the moment I received advice from a website, not the actions of a person with their own mind if I did ?