Am I being too Needy or is this not right?

[AmINeedy]

Hi
I was married for 20 years and divorced 2 years ago and 6 months later met a single man with no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners.
He's a lovely man,so funny, always on the go and generally can't sit still, he loves his sport , works hard and away a lot but when home he has to go to the pub every Wednesday,Friday,Sunday as routine and more recently another 2 nights. Some weeks he'll be there 5 nights a week and as I work nights this could mean not seeing each other and no time for us to go out doing other things together as it's pub night or there's a fight or football match in so he goes to the pub to watch it rather than home.
We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.
Then he plays golf which means when the weather is brighter his weekends are taken up too leaving us zero hours together as those nights Sat and Sun he'll go to the pub after til after midnight.
He said I'm too needy ?
If he's been away for two weeks with work when he gets home that night he'll be with his friends down his local pub not with me though he'll pop over for an hour to say hi then gone.
There's one other issue , no sex in any shape or form , he can't he has erectile dysfunction , we tried when we first met but he felt to embarrassed and brushed it under the carpet and won't discuss it, if I do he gies angry . He went as far as getting Viagra but won't use them.
Put all this together I feel really unwanted but I feel I'm being selfish and after being married so long to a man who visited match.com behind my back I'm worried I'm the problem here?
Just reread my post and I see I do look pathetic .
This man wants us to live together but how can I live in a sexless nit even touching relationship where he'll be at the pub from 8 pm til closing 3-5 times a week ?
I'm really lost ??

Of course he does his own washing - he hasn't moved in yet has he?

Of course he's using you OP. So he cooks dinner.... so what? He's a man who likes his entertainment and you're on the rota as 'sex' along with the pub and the sport.

He does all his own laundry now because he hasn't a choice. Once you move in, guess who'll be doing it?

Cooking you lunch once in a while is nice; but it's not enough.
If you think it is enough, then fine - but you wouldn't have started this post if you really believed that.

I'm busy with my work, my son, I have a house that needs a lot of work, I'm an outdoor person I like to get out and about. I live in the country and pubs are the social lives around here but that's not my kind of thing.
I brought up four sons and pretty well put my familily first and I'd hoped that when our youngest left my life would have been filled with outdoor life and a social life with my husband , I'm one of those boring mums in domes eyes where work and familiy are my life and joy with my dogm horse, other animals and hobbies, I love just getting out an walking , going to the cinema, meals out, theatre , that kind of life I enjoy, my other half only ventures to his local though extended it to 2 other pubs over the night now.
I am feeling much better that I am not alone on my thoughts, I truly felt I was being hard on him and that I was being selfish .
Of course I want to feel needed I can see the scraps he's given me are the things that are making me hold on but I truly thought my expectations are too high after being out if the dating Scene for so long and he'd convinced me other men dud the same thing and I was being too needy .
Guess I must have underlying issues but I can't trust my own judgement , great at directing my kids and in my job but just can't see the grass under my own nose hence pouring my heart on here,
I know I'll miss him because I have got to know the real man, that's nit me being needy , I have seen him fir who he is but I know he'll never put me first, as I would and do, which is what relationships are about. X

And why...why is it he thinks moving in together is a carrot he dangles good idea?
He's hardly there, preferring football, golf and the pub to you by a long chalk, and there's not even any sex! No company, no sex, no relationship to speak of.
What sort of deluded idiot thinks that he's something to get excited about moving in with?

He must be very fond of himself.

Lol I was just saying he cooked lunch so you saw the whole picture, be so easy to come here and not put on. The whole picture but just my. Side,
I want to be fair and try to put the whole picture to get fair advice not just my side ,

18m is nothing, you are getting nothing out of this relationship apart from Not Being Single.

being single is better than being with a man this low down.

Seriously it's a firm NO from me.
You can do much better than settling for being one of this selfish man's less favoured hobbies.

There's a reason there are 3 ex wives and many ex partners. This man doesn't make you happy so move on. He won't change if he hasn't changed for past wives/partners. If the current relationship isn't what you want, don't spend any more time on it. You'll end up miserable.

Great news you have decided to end this completely one sided relationship. You must now move on. This man, from your description, does not need you, hardly wants you and, in his defence does not realise the damage he is doing to you. He will not, can not change......and why should he.

"he'd convinced me other men dud the same thing and I was being too needy"

I expect he describes all his exs as 'too needy' as well. And it is quite possible that in the life he has chosen, he does have cronies who profess to do the same thing. That does not mean that what he describes is a) widespread or b) in any way right for you.

(His pub mates may of course be totally different at home; ie normal attentive partners who go out maybe once a week alone, just like their OHs do, because that genuinely suits both of them. He may not see that).

It's not pathetic, but you have over romanticised this with all your talk of your heart and feeling connected.

The problem is that you stuck around for longer than you should have when you realised what he was like.

What do you mean about the "typical stereotype"? We're not peddling that again, are we? Most men cook and do their own washing and ironing! At least most of the ones I know do. Even the married ones. My son does. And all of the men who live alone do.

My exbf was a great cook. I didn't cook once in our 10 month relationship. He also did all of his own washing, ironing and cleaning. But it didn't make him a great bf. He'd have made a terrible husband/partner because he was 'lovely' but his lifestyle was incompatible with being in a relationship.

The longer you stay with him, the less self esteem you will have. You deserve to be with someone who fulfils who, this man does not.

Lunch and a bit of washing just make him a polite house-guest. Some other men probably do engage in the same behaviour and casual attitude but there are plenty more that actually do want to have a joint life with someone.

Looking at your list of activities, I think you do need more companionship and a wider social circle. You're a nest builder and there's nothing wrong with that. Four kids and a husband, you were anticipating - like a lot of us - that you wouldn't be in the situation of having to look for a new partner relatively late in life. Your exH and you were going to sit on the metaphorical front porch, watching the sunset. It's gone wrong, you want someone else to fill the empty rocking chair and pick up where you left off.

That's your ideal... his ideal is something rather more casual. How old is he?

He is offering you practically nothing. You sound great, full of life. He sounds very fixed in his ways and completely unavailable emotionally or physically.

Why would you want that? It is probably best to end the relationship as nicely as possible.

People can be lovely and fun but absolute nightmares in relationships - selfish, obstinate, unreasonable, uncommunicative. We are all multi-faceted. It's possible to love his good points but know that as a partner he causes you unhappiness and always will.

When I told him I couldn't move in with him because he was hardly there he saud by moving in I'd see him more ,,,,,,,, I know please don't reply to this one, I know how daft I seem but your voices are making me feel a lot better already.
I've been so I dependant paying my bills, fixing my house, working and trying to help my 16 year old deal with things, I guess I needed the fantasy of having someone.
I do love him but I still love my ex but I wouldn't stay with him no matter how much I loved him, I guess I'm clinging on to this relationship, doesn't help that when we are together I've never got on with someone so well, he's amazing company and we talk and laugh where ever we go , I've never got on with anyone so well before.
But he does everything his way and I guess that's what's hurting and perhaps I'm letting him down , he's always mentioning how he's been hurt by so many people and that he has a guard up and won't let anyone get close, he says he's getting there with me but 18 months has flown by and in that time his job takes him away for two weeks at a time and when he returns he's too busy with paper work to see me but the paper work is on hold when it's pub nights , xx

He's 54, I'm 52.
He is very set in his ways, he won't stay at mine because I don't have sky tv and he has to watch the sport channel, the minute he wakes up the TV is on and as soon as he steps into the bedroom it's on to catch up til he falls asleep.
You are all right and just backed my thoughts up, Thankyou xx

It's all about priorities. I've literally crossed a continent before now to be with someone I wanted to be with. So the pub beats paperwork but both are a more attractive proposition than time with you? Ouch...

Yes it is the fantasy of having someone. It's always a pity when you get along with someone so well but realise it's never going to work. Weaknesses you can maybe overcome but if there's a 'fatal flaw', it's better to call it a day.

You can be friends with him and still enjoy his company. The problem with being in a relationship with someone like him is that relationships always involve some compromise and he sounds very uncompromising, therefore your needs will always be put to one side and he will justify this by calling you needy. I agree with other posters, I bet all his ex's were "needy" too.

Fwiw, I'd be the first person to say if I thought someone was being needy. I think neediness is a very unattractive and unhealthy trait, although there is often an understandable root cause for such behaviour. I absolutely don't think you're being needy at all. You're asking for a normal relationship, you're not getting one though. Not from him.

Well, he likes the distance. He sounds one of those people who is brilliant at getting on with people in short, controlled bursts - I'm sure you're not the only person who thinks, wow, I've never got on so well with anyone!

Some people have that easy connective energy, that charm. Seductive personalities. But it is superficial. And they do it to lots of people. I'm sure all his exes felt just as close and just as impressed with him. For a while.

The distance in your relationship allows him to remain charming and engaging. If you moved in you might see him a little more but not for any quality time. You would just be feeling lonely and unsatisfied in his house rather than your own. Don't do it.

When he doesn't see you for two weeks and his first instinct every time is to head down the pub with his mates, it shows that you are the one fitting in with his lifestyle choices and needs, rather than it being at all mutual. You slot in around his existing 'single' lifestyle. When you remind him he's actually in a relationship, he calls you needy! Needy is wanting to know where he is all the time, sulking every time he goes out and needing constant reassurance of his affection. All you are doing is saying that three to five nights a week in the pub is a bit much, which it absolutely is! He actually sounds like quite a dull man.

What sacrifices and compromises does he make for you?

No, you're not too needy. He is awful. Pub 5 (or even 3) nights a week is like something out of the 1920s. Is he actually into women?

He just wants you as a status symbol to make him fit in with his mates in the pub and as a housekeeper.

Not a good catch at all. Bin him!

he's always mentioning how he's been hurt by so many people and that he has a guard up and won't let anyone get close, he says he's getting there with me

Turning carrot dangling into an art form eh? Suggesting you might get a whiff of attention from him if you just hang on in there...

No no and thrice no.

OP, I think the penny has dropped. Now you know, what will you do?

The reason that it is not a relationship is because you are just mates really.

You may love the bones of him but he spends no time with you, can't get it up, won't even try and is married to the pub/sports.

Come on!