Am I being too Needy or is this not right?

[AmINeedy]

Hi
I was married for 20 years and divorced 2 years ago and 6 months later met a single man with no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners.
He's a lovely man,so funny, always on the go and generally can't sit still, he loves his sport , works hard and away a lot but when home he has to go to the pub every Wednesday,Friday,Sunday as routine and more recently another 2 nights. Some weeks he'll be there 5 nights a week and as I work nights this could mean not seeing each other and no time for us to go out doing other things together as it's pub night or there's a fight or football match in so he goes to the pub to watch it rather than home.
We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.
Then he plays golf which means when the weather is brighter his weekends are taken up too leaving us zero hours together as those nights Sat and Sun he'll go to the pub after til after midnight.
He said I'm too needy ?
If he's been away for two weeks with work when he gets home that night he'll be with his friends down his local pub not with me though he'll pop over for an hour to say hi then gone.
There's one other issue , no sex in any shape or form , he can't he has erectile dysfunction , we tried when we first met but he felt to embarrassed and brushed it under the carpet and won't discuss it, if I do he gies angry . He went as far as getting Viagra but won't use them.
Put all this together I feel really unwanted but I feel I'm being selfish and after being married so long to a man who visited match.com behind my back I'm worried I'm the problem here?
Just reread my post and I see I do look pathetic .
This man wants us to live together but how can I live in a sexless nit even touching relationship where he'll be at the pub from 8 pm til closing 3-5 times a week ?
I'm really lost ??

He is an alcoholic - there is no way that you can spend those long hours in the pub night after night, year after year, consuming beer and it not have a detrimental effect your relationships and your mental & physical health.

You are a "beard" either for his real homo sexuality or defunct hetero sexuality....otherwise what else does HE get out of your relationship?

Ignore if TMI - despite the ED was there any non penetrative sex going on?

You sound like a wonderful, interesting, strong, compassionate woman who has achieved so much and has so much to give.

You have incredible insight -- these things are v hard to talk to people about in RL if you are the strong one, if your dont want to be judged and though a foo, if you want to respect other privacy and not risk your confider sharing your story....thats why we are all here "thinking aloud" in a safe place - checking our instincts.

CogitoErgoSometimes
I grew up the eldest and a bossy child, brought up mainly by my gran though she worked full time , at 13 I was back home and tough as old boots.
Life threw many things that most dint experience and I coped better than most with the learning mechanics I'd picked up as a child.
I trundled through marriage number 2 after losing my first in a fatal accident, still was tough, happy , independent then WAM reality check, Cancer scare and unfaithful hubby,,,,,cancer scare was just that but the 2 together found me holding my marriage together Or more to the point I held on to the marriage for another 6 years, I tried to be everything I could at a price to myself.
We split I became stronger, managing a big house and everything on my own, met this bloke out of the blue, I felt a million dollars because I wasn't looking, felt empowered but bit by bit things about this relationship started to break me and it's probably an accumulation if everything and bring brought up that people are different and we accept their differences , just happened that there is something different with this bloke that I felt right from the beginning , but obviously his way of life doesn't fit or I don't fit.
The only thing I can see the same is I do question each time, what do we put up with and when do we let go, that's my problem, giving up too soon or too late, not knowing when it's right and more importantly ,,,,,,,,,,,don't think my dustbin of hidden feelings can cope with any more to be frank.
I'm a very savvy person and yes after being the wild child I became the calm person people turn to that when it comes to myself I can't see a velar psth lol
Spent years teaching myself to be rational and look at all sides that when something happens I see to many sides to the story .
Basically lost after helping others including this man, xx

I appreciate that SomethingToDo
He is a straight guy, been around the block many times, separated from his last wife because he met someone else, from what I gather sex was no issue until the women left him. No kids as can't have them.
No sex in any form won't kiss me other than a peck as he's worried I'll get ideas, I understand all that, he's ashamed and embarrassed , it's a man thing, they dint talk of things like us but not even being close or attempting closeness is alien , he's given up, yet he saw someone else when his wife wouldn't oblige,,,,,this bit isn't really the issue, I can't blame his ED but collectively it shows he thinks of himself not wanting to be a couple

He TARGETED you the busy, self contained, strong, competent woman, with lots going on perfect profile for him - he could slot in a couple of hours a week - thats all he needs - and thought thats all you wanted....

Then he asked for even more from you - by telling you the long, long list of what his past partners had "demanded" from him and that were deal breakers - and you noted them and complied.

He is like a snake charmer -- can be beguiling and charming make you feel incredible - just enough to get what he wants then he is off in a puff of smoke.

You need to stop analysing him now - pick a free descriptions from the thread, then draw a line under it and leave it at that.

Think about yourself - what are your strengths - what do you want to do more of to make you happy - what did you learn from this...put it down to "an experience"....

ED is one thing (I'm just out of a relationship where this was a big -phnar- issue) but zero sex at all? No kissing even?

Theres no excuse for that.

I don't think he realises any of this , guess I'm here because I'm thinking do I want another year of this when the clock is ticking and I'm virtually single any how . The next step is me moving in with him when my house sells, he wants me to put all my proceeds to buy the house he's living in now , which was the house he was buying with his ex, now he's paying her rent by paying the mortgage , he wants to buy it off her , my money to pay most and the rest a small mortgage, the fact he has his own house being rented out and a substantial amount in the bank to buy the house himself is ignored , he says that would be Our retirement fund !
The amount of times I've told him I'm not ready to live in a bungalow and if I was to buy it would only be on a 50/50 basis .
He knows I don't want to live there and with my house for sale it's only time before he realises I've no intention of moving in with him under any circumstance , I can't do it,,, that alone tells me everything about how I feel, I just need to cut the cord guess I feel he's my safety net x

So, at times you barely see the man and you've never even had sex?? I would get out now and find someone who can give you the relationship you deserve.

He's got the most amazing hugs, but no kissing, not even a foot rub, I tried massaging his back,feet, legs, anything just to feel close always conscious not to make him feel threatened or useless , never returned , to me that's bonding x

He'd do very nicely out of you by the sounds of it!

He's just after your money, and he doesn't even have to kiss you or spend any time with you. Wow. What a catch he isn't.

Fuh. King. Hell.

So if there is ZERO intimacy what does he get from your "relationship" - is it a "relationship" or just a friendship...? Most friendships have more physical intimacy that this relationship.

Why cant he just get a house mate/lodger if he feels lonely and doesnt like going into an empty house after a night on the piss?

I know loads of blokes like this - I actually started a thread on it a while back - real life and soul but with a quiet woman squirreled away to whom they never commit. They are so stuck in their past social ways and are really male focussed and quite obsessive - music, DJing as well as their footie teams/golf/cycling - & the pub - all non domestic man-child pursuits.

You are lucky you didnt meet him when you were younger and have kids with him.

Old mate of mine describes her ex as "Great friend, Shit husband"

ScrambledEggonToast
We had sex or tried when we first met but it was apparent there was something wrong, we avoided it but if I mentioned anything he'd ask me to be patient, I was and am because just on that basis alone and regardless of my needs I wouldn't abandon a relationship on that alone, but his lack of looking for a solution or alternatives to being intimate I guess shows he's not scared to lose me on that basis as many other people would be.
I tried to be understanding ,then I realised he's not looking into any changes nor cares about my feelings . Other than the sexual act as women if a man takes no interest in us sexually it has the most self destroying feeling you can imagine, we doubt ourselves, we blame ourselves , makes us feel ugly, unattractive it's so hard to explaine , with his attitude to seeing me too I felt useless xx

PLEASE do not get into any financial ties with this man, I nearly did similar and it ended badly. Any financial ties will make it much more complicated when you end it. You sound a lovely person but the amount of exes he has must say it all. It sounds like he will never be what you want and it sounds like you have in the past tried to be what he wants. You deserve much more than this drifter.

I'd love to just be friends with him, I've said I felt we are just friends but he hits the roof , I've also pointed out that his friends must think the same thing seeing him out alone each time he's out, his reply is" Don't talk Rubbish" in his dulcet South Wales Accent.
He'd make a great friend .

The saddest thing is when I broke up with him over this in summer I started seeing an old friend , he was the opposite , would give me anything , spend his time and life with me, wanted to make life good with me,,,,,,,,,,I ran a mile,',,,and got back with this man , because this man makes me laugh lol
How stupid am I ?

Been told I like to struggle , think it's true xx

No worries, I'm buying a house for my son and myself, I think he'll realise then that I can't take any more if I haven't already walked away by then ,,,,,,,,,,it's just finding the guts when I really like him, stupid but when we are together I feel home xx

To be blunt.

If you sell your house, and use the money to help him out, you would be an idiot.

You don't seem like an idiot, so why act like one?

Somethingtodo why did you start the thread you mentioned and what was the outcome ,?

He hit the roof when you said you just wanted to be friends? Well fuck that then, you won't be anything to him. He makes you laugh? Stick a bit of Father Ted on the TV and get your laughs that way.

Honestly, this isn't a loving relationship - zero intimacy, very little time spent together, massive lack of respect for you. So I ask again, what (apart from the laughs) are you getting out of this?

You're ten years older than me and I cringe at the thought of you wasting your life on this man.

OMG - the elephant in the room -- he has targeted you and is now grooming you to extract all your cash!! That is what he gets out of this relationship . Sounds like an internet scam from Africa.

I was wondering how he can afford a 5-7 night pub habit - he has pissed all his away and is in debt. x3 failed marriages would also have drained him dc or no dc.

Where is he on the 2 weeks he works away - same place or different places?
Wonder if he has another lovely woman in every port duped and just about to hand over her house.

You are not needy - you have seen the light - now just dodge this bullet.

Sounds gay to me but so far in the closet he's nearer Narnia than Newport.

Here is the link - basic outcome these woman are being strung along and the relationships are abusive

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2234080-What-are-these-types-of-couples-all-about

It seems that there are at least a couple of men like yours in Wales. I live in another part of the UK and could take you down to any of the pubs in my town and point out about 4 or 5 men just like yours on any given day in any one of those pubs.

A friend of mine got involved with one of them identical to yours and I mean identical. She could tick everything you say especially about buying a house together. All of her friends, including me, were very wary of him and made no bones about our concerns.

One friend's brother found out a bit about him and it turns out that before he met my friend he was romancing (attempting to fleece) another woman who was a widow. She was also a home owner. Her adult children were wary about him and saw him off. That woman and my friend are middle aged, intelligent women with careers. The one thing they lacked was a partner and guess who came along and told them everything they wanted to hear.

Please don't even consider a future with this man. You say that he is your safety net. Believe me he sees you as his safety net who will allow him to do precisely what he wants and will abuse financially to boot. If a friend or one of your DDs told you they had met a man like him what would you advise them to do?

You say he is lovely, funny and gregarious. Please research the type of men who scam women and you will see them described in exactly the same way.

You are probably feeling lonely, like most people, and maybe that is why you are accepting so little from this man. I am a single parent and I am lonely for adult company. I would love nothing better than to have a man who loved me. It is not uncommon to feel lonely. There are serious red flags in this so called relationship. Ignore them at your peril.

Please listen to what practically every single poster is saying to you and walk away.

Definitely not helping him out I was merely pointing out his expectations and his theory behind it, it didn't make sense to me then nor now, just proves the type of man he is.
Like I saud I'd already thought ahead at how I can't see myself siting in his house while he's at the pubs most nights if not working away, he rings me up each time he walks to the pubs now ,
I was worrying my thoughts were selfish , hence posting here to see what the general thought was, different people tolerate different things, different expectations , I'd considered I was being too selfish or needy,,,at one stage he'd suggested I was trying to control his life as he'd spend more time out or away when we hadn't seen each other due to our jobs,

Hmm, yes with the latest revelations I too think he sees you as his "banker" for the next few years. Fuck that!

You have your own commitment issues, clearly, from what you've just posted about running a mile from a nice man who actually gave a shit about you, back to this loser/user.

Dump his sorry arse, he's not even a friend, he's just out to get what he can from you with minimum return! PLEASE dump him. And MEAN it. And then get yourself some counselling so you can get away from caring about this utter loser!