Am I being too Needy or is this not right?

[AmINeedy]

Hi
I was married for 20 years and divorced 2 years ago and 6 months later met a single man with no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners.
He's a lovely man,so funny, always on the go and generally can't sit still, he loves his sport , works hard and away a lot but when home he has to go to the pub every Wednesday,Friday,Sunday as routine and more recently another 2 nights. Some weeks he'll be there 5 nights a week and as I work nights this could mean not seeing each other and no time for us to go out doing other things together as it's pub night or there's a fight or football match in so he goes to the pub to watch it rather than home.
We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.
Then he plays golf which means when the weather is brighter his weekends are taken up too leaving us zero hours together as those nights Sat and Sun he'll go to the pub after til after midnight.
He said I'm too needy ?
If he's been away for two weeks with work when he gets home that night he'll be with his friends down his local pub not with me though he'll pop over for an hour to say hi then gone.
There's one other issue , no sex in any shape or form , he can't he has erectile dysfunction , we tried when we first met but he felt to embarrassed and brushed it under the carpet and won't discuss it, if I do he gies angry . He went as far as getting Viagra but won't use them.
Put all this together I feel really unwanted but I feel I'm being selfish and after being married so long to a man who visited match.com behind my back I'm worried I'm the problem here?
Just reread my post and I see I do look pathetic .
This man wants us to live together but how can I live in a sexless nit even touching relationship where he'll be at the pub from 8 pm til closing 3-5 times a week ?
I'm really lost ??

Come on Op you're worth more than this!
I get that he's great company and upbeat etc but that's about it isn't it?

If he spent as much time in the pub and on hobbies but you had great sex that would at least be something. If he spent time taking you out for dinner and spending quality time with you but couldn't have sex it would be better that your current situation.
He won't even passionately kiss you, he doesn't make you feel good about yourself. It's very sad.

When I said several pages ago that you are his 'beard' I didn't mean that he was gay. I think you are just the disguise he uses so that people don't see him the way he really is.

Many of us on here have said that we know countless men like this. They don't change and you won't change him.

As I said before, unless you have discovered the gift of eternal life, you are wasting this one.

Is 'lol' meant to mean anything?

"last night he said it's the way he'd always lived and I'm the first to complaine lol"

He is a liar then -- so why were there x3 failed marriages and numerous failed relationships?

Agree with the beard - whether to hide being gay, impotent or the reality that he is the lonely barfly returning to his empty "home" any of these would be ridiculed by his bar-fly mates maybe he is all 3!

When you summarised how you believe your 16 year old DS sees this relationship -- you painted it as positive, normal and acceptable to your DS?

Why? It is not positive, normal and acceptable to you.

Would you be happy for any of your DS to be treated like this or threat another like this in a relationship? Would you not tell you DS that he is better than this?

Your DS will see and sense your "anger and frustration" - does he know where it comes from? Does he deserve this toxic atmosphere in his own home with you when his family have already split.

Oh, OP - please. It's heartbreaking - what a waste of the nice, good woman that you undoubtedly are. Please, you deserve SO much better.

Why don't you just try ending it? See how it goes. I bet you will feel such relief, especially as time goes on. Give it a fortnight and you will be wondering why you put up with so much for so long.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was gay. But given that the OP thinks not, what I find most disturbing about his behaviour is this pretend sort of mystification when the OP calls him up on his behaviour. The man has 3 ex wives and numerous ex relationships, he just isn't plausible.

It will start to wear thin with you OP, why waste your time when you could be meeting someone with whom you might actually have a chance of having a happy future, to run this boring old man to the pub and back? I suspect you will start finding out a few things about him you won't like so much as you get more into this. Whatever "this" is.

Only from reading your initial post - I'm not at all surprised he has 3 ex wives and multiple other exes.

He makes no time at all for his relationships (except for his mates at the pub) and from what you wrote, it seems to be at the bottom of his priorities. He said you are needy when you tried to address it - you're not needy, he just doesn't care much for your feelings. You may love him, but this relationship has nowhere to go and you will be unhappy. I think it's time to move on.

Apart from the fact that you love him, I can't see what he does to make you happy?

You've fitted in around his life so nothing's changed for him. He doesn't want to see you often or meet your needs in any way. That's why I said on the first page that as far as he's concerned you're s casual friendship, nothing more.

I actually think the diary of how the next couple of weeks goes is a great one. You need to be fuy satisfied that this one last try from you to communicate your needs has not resulted in any hope of him being the partner in a relationship that you deserve, that makes it more than an amusing friendship to him to stroke his ego.

At the end of a couple of weeks, and that'll be more than enough, you'll see he is who is, and isn't rekationship material. You'll have it in black and white and will have caught up with the rest of the MN posse who can see him for what he is and how he treats you.

Joysmum that's what I'm doing sad as I may seem, keeping a diary for myself. I know I can't change anything and any changes had to be totally his choice,
I am a big softy and just want to make sure in my own mind I'm not being selfish ,
He's already trying to make an effort but saying that he forgot the reason he'd taken me out yesterday.
I do see things as they are, it does break my heart to know what I have to do for many reasons, I am not scared of being alone, that doesn't faze me at all and knowing him has taught me to not need a man in many ways.
I truly fell for him and guess I needed some friendly advice to confirm my thoughts and when I decide what to do . I'll do it with confidence and know I had no other choice .

I never intended to be in a relationship after my divorce, in fact I did not want to meet anyone at all, it was the last thing I wanted to get involved with anyone again .

I'm not afraid of being alone just afraid of making the wrong choice , that's all .??????

Completely understandable. You need to go through that process of realisation for yourself that things really are that bad in the face if his 'charming man persona'.

I think these relationships are the hardest to see for what they are. If he's not sbusive or nasty maybe it's not so bad?

Of course in your case you need to see how little this meets your needs and how everything you do is geared towards him.

Speak volumes that even your child believes this is casual based on what he sees.

Please, update if you feel able to share. Everyone here is on your side

My son knows the whole story because we are close, of course he diesnt know how deep I feel about this, I keep up beat and my son sees my bloke has a busy life. He sees our relationship as casual but that we are really good friends and always happy when we are together. My son knows I'm nit ready to settle down so he treats my situation as if it was him with a girlfriend .
Were both calm relaxed people who get on with life and don't dwell.

My son gets on well with my bloke, they share a lot of sparing with a History as it their favorite subject, my bloke is very interesting and knowledgeable and my don enjoys his company as an individual in his own right and they will remain friends regardless of our situation as he's already said, they are mates , my son is practically 17 a young well balanced lad with 3 other big brothers too xx

He's already trying to make an effort but saying that he forgot the reason he'd taken me out yesterday.

Forgot? Really? Come on now.

it was the last thing I wanted to get involved with anyone again.

That's great because you are not involved with anyone are you? Not really.

You are totally right, I don't feel I am in a relationship and haven't for sometime , I'd hoped things might change but it didn't .
It's true I wonder if I am the beard, I've thought that myself too,,,all thoughts I've had and wondered what you all may think.

Yes I've wondered why he sees me, only having 2 relationships prior I didn't feel I could really judge how other people conducted different relationships, different expectations of right way too.

I truly thought I was Bering needy wanting romantic time with him

Honestly, OP this is ridiculous. I thought my own "love" life was a car crash but this is insane. You need to snap out of it.

According to your posts:

1. You have never had sex with him.
2. You don't even have passionate kissing (I note that someone asked you whether he ever gave you orgasms or went down on your and there was a notable non-response).
3. He spends all his time when you are in the same house watching sport or messing about in the shower. The rest of the time he is in the pub.

How is this a relationship? It's barely a friendship by the sound of it.

The single defining feature of a typical romantic relationship is monogamous sex; sexual commitment. A couple agree that it the one thing they will not do with others. It is that intimacy that makes a romantic relationship different from a mere friendship.

For your own sanity, answer the following:

1. You say you love him. List 10 things you love about him. I don't mean "I like the fact he is knowledgeable"; I mean his core personality characteristics that you love as opposed to like or find amusing. What is it that makes you feel you love him and makes it different to a friendship.

1. You say you are in a relationship with him. List 10 things that you would point to that indicate you are in a relationship with him as opposed to a friendship.

1. List 10 of the worst things he's ever done or said that make you feel bad about yourself (whether that's feeling needy or whatever).

If you can't manage 10, do as many as you can.

My guess is that you'll find the answers very instructive.

Why he sees you? Because you keep in touch, give him lifts and [insert whatever benefits he gets] and because it looks good if he has someone pining after him.

He said you embarrassed him down the pub just by being there...to be honest that should have been the [last] point at which you walked away from this.

I've already agreed with your inputs, what you say is completely true.
There was sex initially SelfLoathing, men avoid contact with women with this problem too, it's part of their pattern which I accepted, not seeking help after a year was the issue but again that's a man thing many partners of men will understand with this, they avoid feeling a failure .
Collectively though I see a man who can't function in a relationship due to past experiences but also was in the forces , then a bobby working unsociable hours, leading to living his own life.
At the beginning I thought he'd relax but not so, when I told him I had enough he was upset, then sad,,,,,,, I truly can't work this tyoe of person out.
At the moment he's not working away so I've seen him more and life feels better and he saud he won't be going away to work as often and will work so able hours and cut the pub down, we'll see in the next few weeks,,,I'm in no rush ;)
O

There was sex initially SelfLoathing, men avoid contact with women with this problem too, it's part of their pattern which I accepted, not seeking help after a year was the issue

You are really deluding yourself here. If a man has serious ED (and doesn't want to get help), then it's not that much of a big jump to agree to just not have sex but do other things - ie. things to please your partner. Kissing doesn't have to lead to sex. You can make a woman orgasm without needing to have sex. Agreeing to just not have penetrative sex is a way forward! Not all men with ED just avoid all contact with women. If that's how he feels, why be in a relationship at all?? If you aren't even getting kissing??

You are just making excuses for him because you want to. That's fine but you need to open your eyes to yourself and see what you are colluding with.

I'm not deluding myself at all, I'm kind, we all look at things differently , if I was female with that cognition I'd hope my partner would be patient with me wouldn't you?SelfLoathing,,, why dud you choose your UserName? :)

Be very careful OP. I know you've averred that you aren't going to buy a house with/for him, but he doesn't know that yet, does he? Is it possible that this recent 'I'll try harder' is more about keeping you in the frame as house-buyer? Why not tell h now that, separate to everything else, you're not going to buy the bungalow for him to live in?

I'm not deluding myself at all, I'm kind, we all look at things differently , if I was female with that cognition I'd hope my partner would be patient with me wouldn't you?

You have been patient - you say it's over a year!!!

I would expect a male partner in that situation to work with their female partner to give them some pleasure. Not be all "no contact/no kissing" for that length of time. Equally, if it was as extreme as you say, then I'd expect them to face up to getting some medical treatment for their own health let alone sex life - diabetes and kidney disease can cause ED.

I'm sorry but I still think you are deluding yourself. It is too long and too extreme for you to brush it under the carpet of "I'm so kind and caring staying with the poor man with ED". Sorry if that sounds harsh but I'm trying to get you to open your eyes.

He knows I am buying a house myself for myself .

He has his own property, he wanted me to move in, I won't ,

He is very much solvent, a very well paid job, there are no concerns financially at all.

He knows my house is to be put in my sons names,

As things stand I can't , something inside me won't even falter to consider living with him, I just can't do it.
That's why I came on here, I thought I was being selfish by nit wanting to move in with him because of my thoughts about spending most nights alone while he was at the pub or working away, I thought I wasn't being supportive but I still couldn't do it because I tried staying with him and it drove me spare being alone waiting for him to come home as he'd wake me up .

I wondered how other people dealt with partners who spent set evenings in a pub, playing darts, meeting his golf buddies,,,,,,

Self loathing
I here you and what you say is right, you're not being harsh just pushing me a bit really, good intentions I know :)

You said up-thread that he wanted you to buy his (or was in in fact his ex-P?) bungalow outright, but you said only if it was 50/50 each to which he did not agree...

Then you said he will only realise that you will not buy his/his ex-P bungalow once you have sold yours and you have bought somewhere else??

Why is he not clear that this is what you will do?

"when I told him I had enough he was upset, then sad,,,,,,, I truly can't work this tyoe of person out" -- they are controlling crocodile tears to manipulate you....

Just because he is "charming" doesnt mean he is authentic/honest/nice....

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. I think amongst many things you learnt to put your own self last. I think your put your family first too and forgot about your emotional wellbeing and needs in the process. You are kind hearted but have become socially isolated and he knows it. I would agree that you were deliberately targeted by him also. Your kind heartedness is being used against you here and is infact also your undoing. You're also in what is seen as a caring occupation.

Do you think this man is also an alcoholic?. This man has never been a good catch no matter which way you look at him. And I would certainly agree that you are his "beard".

I would read up on co-dependency and see how much of that resonates with yourself. I think you are co-dependent and are infact describing a co-dependent relationship here.