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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too Needy or is this not right?

227 replies

AmINeedy · 02/01/2015 08:58

Hi
I was married for 20 years and divorced 2 years ago and 6 months later met a single man with no children but 3 ex wives and many more ex partners.
He's a lovely man,so funny, always on the go and generally can't sit still, he loves his sport , works hard and away a lot but when home he has to go to the pub every Wednesday,Friday,Sunday as routine and more recently another 2 nights. Some weeks he'll be there 5 nights a week and as I work nights this could mean not seeing each other and no time for us to go out doing other things together as it's pub night or there's a fight or football match in so he goes to the pub to watch it rather than home.
We've been together 18 months and I truly love the bones of this man but I'm finding his way of life difficult to handle, it's restricting our relationship, were not really bonding and to me it's pushing me away instead of getting us closer over time.
Then he plays golf which means when the weather is brighter his weekends are taken up too leaving us zero hours together as those nights Sat and Sun he'll go to the pub after til after midnight.
He said I'm too needy ?
If he's been away for two weeks with work when he gets home that night he'll be with his friends down his local pub not with me though he'll pop over for an hour to say hi then gone.
There's one other issue , no sex in any shape or form , he can't he has erectile dysfunction , we tried when we first met but he felt to embarrassed and brushed it under the carpet and won't discuss it, if I do he gies angry . He went as far as getting Viagra but won't use them.
Put all this together I feel really unwanted but I feel I'm being selfish and after being married so long to a man who visited match.com behind my back I'm worried I'm the problem here?
Just reread my post and I see I do look pathetic .
This man wants us to live together but how can I live in a sexless nit even touching relationship where he'll be at the pub from 8 pm til closing 3-5 times a week ?
I'm really lost ??

OP posts:
IsabeauMichelle · 02/01/2015 21:19

So what's next for you? Sorry you're having to go through this. What a dick.

Original poster
AmINeedy · 02/01/2015 21:37

Call me soft but after I put my case forward I decided to let him think I'm ok. We chatted about his insecurities and how he has trust issues .
To be honest I didn't hold back on anything I said to him, I put my case forward and he thought I was picking on him, I explained my thoughts and how unreasonable his expectations are.
He was humble and agreed to look into his ED too, and go to the pub together on occasions.
Before any of you suggest this, I'm not soft or clutching at straws. Having heard your views I'm in a strong position, I know for certain my expectations of a relationship are not unrealistic, I pointed that out a few times to him tonight , I also told him,I'm not going to be a walk over any more, that life is too short and I deserve better and I want better,,,,,,,,,,,I think he was in shock and he admitted that previously he'd have told the person directing their views on him to go or shouted at them, he didn't do either, he stood and thought before he spoke, he was distraught !
I know only too well this can either go back to as he really is or possible he may change,,,,I told him to me all the signs show he doesn't love me at all.
I am realistic that he won't change but this was our first and my first ultimatum of his lifestyle , he is of no other thought that I won't accept things as they have been ,,,,,,,, the rest is up to him now and if he can't or won't change it's the last time I will mention anything , I'll give him a few weeks, maybe a month and perhaps keep a diary fir myself to be a bit pedantic ,,,,,,,,then I'll walk away with a clear mind thanks to all your input, that my thoughts and expectations are very much normal and I have put up with this for far too long and as I told him tonight, I Deserve Better.

Thank you so much everyone who placed a post today when I was at my wits end . I stood my ground ,even spoke out quite loudly for me but I stood my ground and didn't waver......the outcome may not change but I'll know for certain but rest assured he won't change and I'll never look back.
Thankyou for being there each of you, you'll never know how much you helped this AmINeedy lady xx

SundayPlease was your bloke Tall? Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AmINeedy · 02/01/2015 21:38

SundayPlease, what's the first initial of the bloke you related to my situation ? Just curious, xx

OP posts:
Sundayplease · 02/01/2015 21:43

Yes over 6 ft.

DrMorbius · 02/01/2015 21:48

Sorry OP, if I am overly pragmatic (another of my faults), now you have "talked it through" write down your boundaries and expectations. So that when he breaks his promises, you can tick them off one by one. So that you are under no false illusion that he is taking the p**s and you are drinking it up.

Minervaowl · 02/01/2015 21:52

OP, your man sounds EXACTLY like the man Barbra Jacobs describes in her book "Loving Mr Spock." It's well worth a read and I think you'll find it enlightening.

Bin him.

Please. He doesn't seem to have even one redeeming feature. Bin bin bin bin bin bin bin him.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 02/01/2015 21:59

Righto, you carry on, because clearly you've got this under control. Best of luck.

GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt · 02/01/2015 22:07

So all he has to do is pretend to go to the Dr about his ED, and take you to the pub once in a blue moon to watch him drink, and you'll forget all about your needs?

Fair enough then.

Minervaowl · 02/01/2015 22:11

OP, he's just not that into you.

Original poster
AmINeedy · 02/01/2015 22:21

Lol I'm sorry you have little faith in me but truly you underestimate me , I expect nothing to change, I had my say , I placed my heart on the table ,,,,,,,,,he won't change, I gave him the chance, he'll walk straight into the web he weaves ,,,,,,we all deal with things differently, I wouldn't have discussed anything with him hadn't I spoke on here, I'd have just festered .
This gives me space to get ready to say goodbye to him,,,,,,,,,,,
If you think I fib , checkout Lifesfir living, I went on here about my husband a few years ago, people thought the same when i said I'd do things when I was ready and I did . Some of us are not hot headed we do things a little calculated, hurts less that way and a calmer way forward , diesnt suit us all but that's hiw I work.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmINeedy · 02/01/2015 22:28

Cogito ErgoSometimes

You gave me advice as xxdriftwoodxx when I found my husband was on a sex site xx

I am a person of my word I just take a while coming to terms that's all.... After the life I've led I am allowed to be cautious xx

OP posts:
GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt · 02/01/2015 22:30

I just don't think people want you to sell yourself short.
You seem a nice, decent person.
He's not good enough, doesn't treat you well enough.

Original poster
AmINeedy · 02/01/2015 22:36

Thankyou , I am and he doesn't deserve me,,, I can't live the way he wants either but just for peace of mind I have to give him my views and see what happens , I've appreciated all advice and I wouldn't have faced him tonight if I hadn't taken on board everything said xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AmINeedy · 02/01/2015 23:40

I won't sell myself short

OP posts:
Somethingtodo · 03/01/2015 01:05

What does you 16 year old DS think of this character and how he treats his Mum? Is this a good relationship that you want to model for your son - that this is acceptable way to be treated or to treat another?

Are you saying that you have said you piece, have set down boundaries and ultimatums but know that he will not meet any of these and it is just a matter of time before you bin him?

Welliesandpyjamas · 03/01/2015 06:39

OP I'm pretty sure, having read your whole thread, that you have the pride and self respect to walk away and move forwards happily with your life (staying with him would be so stagnant). Fair play to you for making everything clear to him first though.

Reading this thhread, everything you have described about this man (nationality, character, habits, expressions, ED, even down to being pushy and never taking no for an answer) are a perfect description of someone I know locally. This chap is early 60s though. Seems there is a sad pattern that needs changing in the way some men are expected to behave in south Wales Sad (I can say this because I am welsh Grin but thinking about it I wouldn't be fully happy raising my sons there, sadly).

Original poster
AmINeedy · 03/01/2015 10:20

My son sees my relationship as a casual one as we don't see this man that often. He can't understand why he's goes to the pub so often but understands he has his own life. Men seem to expect to do their hobbies and where ever it leads and I think my son doesn't see things from my point of view, his view is my man has his own life, I have mine and that's it really.
He likes this bloke as I saud, he is constantly happy and bubbly which is hard to get annoyed with him, his whole family are just as bubbly and not moody and always there to help anyone , they look at life as his does in a positive way ,never negative .my bloke seriously can't see what he's doing wrong , last night he said it's the way he'd always lived and I'm the first to complaine lol
My grandad used to go to the pub every Friday and Saturday night, we thought he was a drunk,,,,my family and friends think my bloke is a drunk too but society has changed most people drink at home now and my bloke thinks that's wrong, different people see it differently .
By talking to my bloke, he knows he either has to change or there is no future, I said I couldn't face another year as the past one which was why I'd had the chat, it's up to him now, I'm preparing myself to call it a day , already starting a new job in the hospital next week and a few other things too.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/01/2015 10:25

I was wondering what exactly he wants out of the relationship, seeing as it's obviously such a low priority for him. I'm afraid the answer is money and public heterosexuality. He's almost certainly fleeced most if not all of his previous partners, and I also think he is a closet gay who can no longer be bothered to try to have sex with women given that (in his opinion) there are enough desperate older women around that he can always find a new one to boost his reputation as a super stud who is also free as the wind and can never be tamed.
To an extent I think you are needy in that you are prepared to put up with this sort of crap just so you can tell people you're not single. Being single is much better than an inadequate relationship, any day.

dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 10:49

I don't think he's gay. Possibly not after your money, either- taking your word on these things. I am a little puzzled by how any "changes" will make things better, though. Even if he gets a magic cock and starts seeing you more, he clearly has an alcohol problem (no mention of seeking help there) and two marriages (and how many more relationships?) failed because he cheated.

He doesn't sound a prize catch and it seems much more logical to find someone decent than to have them attempt a personality transplant to become that person...if change was that easy we'd all pick a shitty man project rather than pursuing the ready-made ones, and simply work on them for 6 months.

Original poster
AmINeedy · 03/01/2015 10:57

Lol
SolidGoldBrass, have you read any of my post thoroughly ?

He is very much solvent, a very open local man, I know his history and his life is public knowledge. My age or those of previous partners has no significance ,,,,,,,,you're barking up the wrong tree but your opinion has been noted .

As fir being worried about being single , as pointed out, I am very much single in every way in this relationship and I inform people I am single as I have already posted lol and his sexuality , as I pointed out if you'd read properly, things DO NOT WORK below AT ALL!

Lol , you cheered me up lol

Walk over is one thing I am not, if that hasn't come through in my posts, then I excuse your rudeness to me and take on board your comments SolidGoldBrass LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
AmINeedy · 03/01/2015 10:58

Dirtybadger
You are right, it's just giving me space to be honest , he won't change , it's just my way of doing things x

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 03/01/2015 11:00

Never marry a golfet unless you play yourself or dont mind losing him for hours every weekend.

Apart from that he sounds a bit crap as a partner. The tree ex wives would have made me really
look at why. It seems because he doesnt out anyone before (or even near) the wants of himselfx

Original poster
AmINeedy · 03/01/2015 11:02

True . He has a few sets if golf clubs from exes lol

OP posts:
Original poster
AmINeedy · 03/01/2015 11:03

Their golf clubs he bought them I hasten to add lol

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/01/2015 11:45

I wonder if the key to men like this is their self-image of the untamable, desirable, rebellious free spirit which only works if there is a woman gagging to tie them down. If there isn't a woman whining and wringing her hands and begging for a 'proper relationship' somewhere nearby, the single man of 50 or so becomes less of a fast-living bad boy and more of a lonely old failure who doesn't matter.