Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

End it.

Good for you Jessmay, you sound easy to get on with and you're really not asking for anything unusual or unreasonable.

He sounds rather shallow OP, silly jokey texts? Nah, you deserve so much more.

Sounds like a good plan.

It really should be a simple equation early on; does this relationship on balance make me feel happy and secure? If yes, then great, if no, then something is wrong.

His texts sound very insensitive. Asking for one phone call over a couple of weeks is hardly demanding. If he had a phobia or hatred of the phone he could have discussed that with you, not agreed to do it knowing he wouldn't.

A new start for 2015! Good luck :)

Hello there,

I don't often post but felt compelled to....I really don't think he should be dumped for this.

Around 4 years ago I posted about a similar issue, lots of advice to leave, end it, I deserved better etc.

I gave him one last chance to buck his ideas up. Yes we had the talk, yes he technically didn't deserve it, but everything else was right but one thing. At 30 years of age and one failed long term relationship I wasn't willing to walk away from 6 months investment!

I am so glad I didn't. We are married now, planning a family, buying our first home together. I am happy and content.

He changed, it took him a few months and a few hiccups and some tears from me. I also changed a bit myself (you could have been my dh posting about me) People can change. I would suggest giving it all a bit of space. Spell it out, give it a deadline. Ask yourself if in 5 years would you'd rather be with this man who is rubbish at phoning or potentially be with someone else who never texts but only phones (that's me by the way but I have learnt to text as my dh loves it).....

Lynnie, I really appreciate that. I'm not going to make a big drama, but I have talked to him and made it really clear so I'm not going to keep talking to someone who's not listening.

I'm going to end it now, very calmly saying that the way he behaves makes me feel very unhappy and that it's not working for me because I don't want to be unhappy.

I then have two ears if he wants to demonstrate some sort of change.

In my last LTR I ignored raging signs that he didn't care about me. He was full of the romantic gestures too. Jewellery, flowers, mix tapes, rose petals on the bed, trips planned to surprise me, bending over backwards to do stuff for me. Yet little things he said and did made me feel concerned I was a low priority. they were so subtle I barely registered them and yet those very small things from the start of the relationship were the trail of breadcrumbs that led to who he was going to be at the end.

I promised myself in future I would listen. That I'd be mature and observe and explain to someone that they are making me feel bad -I can't make them listen though.

If this guy really, truly cares about me he'd not want me to feel bad or sad.

I cannot understand why, if you wanted to hear his voice, You didn't just call him.

By the way, also just observing with my last ex he gave me so much outward love, so much affection and he seemed so mad about me that I did just ignore the things that seemed smaller but with hindsight those are the bigger things that make a relationship work long term.

I let him know it was okay for my needs to not be important to the point I even forgot it was weird.

My ex spent 5 year treating me like a Queen most of the time, nothing was too much trouble, he was always telling me I was beautiful and buying me gifts, he wanted to get married, he wanted to show me off BUT if I told him something he did hurt me, he apologised and continued doing it. he couldn't talk to me about bad stuff or tell me the truth about his thoughts because he was trying to create some sort of fairytale for me.

It wasn't a real relationship and i lived for years like that.

Because I suppose the foundations are what's important, so when someone's sending you amazing gifts and planning special days for you that's all the honeymoon period and won't last forever and what's the point of that if when you have a problem with something they ignore you?

I don't mind doing without the grand gestures if I can exchange them for the small ones. Like calling me on new year's day. Like acknowledging that if that's important to me, it should be important to him.

I'm tired really of compromising and adjusting myself to be satisfied with what someone else is willing to give me.

I'm always suspicious of men who make "gestures" and tend to avoid them. All style & no substance.

OP, would you consider some counselling on your own, looking at your choices of men?

I have been in counselling for the past 18 months, so yes, and I do think for whatever reason I attract people who are a bit full on.

Jess you sound lovely and very insightful into your own relationship.

I don't think you sound at all needy and I do think your boyfriend is into you. But life is too short to be miserable and if you have told him that you need him to ring you sometimes and he still won't and that upsets you then it is likely that it is not the relationship that is going to make you happy.

In your shoes I would be upset that he didn't ring when he said he was going to and that when he did finally text there was not even a sorry for not ringing you. No acknowledgement at all that he was supposed to have rung you.

To be fair to him you appear to have made it clear to him at the start that you weren't into him. He asked you to spend New Year with him and you declined. I totally understand that you wanted to spend time with your family but he could just as easily be thinking that you aren't into him.

There are posters on your thread who have ended up in happy relationships after teething problems to start so if you do genuinely like him and he is good with you in a lot of ways I would at least talk to him in person before you end it.

It could be he doesn't realise just how much it upset you. Maybe tell him how upset you were over New Year. Say that if he cares about you then he wouldn't want you to feel upset and you can't be in a relationship with someone who upsets you. That might make him realise what he could lose and if he genuinely does see a future with you and is prepared to put that effort in you are giving him a chance to tell you that and more importantly show you that with actions.

I hope you have a great day today and that it all works out for you whether it is with him or someone else. Good luck.

jessmay, I think you have your priorities straight. When you have a toddler and a screaming baby you won't be interested in grand gestures you'll be interested in someone who listens to you and acknowledges what you say. It's the little things that are important.

Best of luck.

I'm very similar to your oh, i work long hours and it drives my girlfriend mad. We have been in a relationship for 9 months and i have never rang her. Not because I'm ignorant or playing games i just hate phone calls. Some days due to work i can take over 100 calls a day so the last thing i want to do when i get home is talk on the phone. We meet up 2 to 3 times a week when we can happily chat away.
I noticed in some of the replies that there was concern because he had never been married or engaged at his age as though this was a major red flag, it's not. I'm 45 and have never been married or engaged but have only every been in ltr they may not have worked but they were happy and fulfilling and I'm still friends with all my ex's. We are all different but that's a good thing not a red flag, so just ring him

The point is mike she has TOLD him it makes her unhappy and he hasnt LISTENED. THAT is the red flag. Your girlfriend might be happy with it but like you just said YOURSELF we are all different which also means that the OP is different from your girlfriend no?

Or did you actually mean that men are different and women are simply interchangeable.

jessmay congratulations to you on your insight and resolve. Learning from mistakes! So easy to say, so hard to put into practice! I'm impressed by your posts on this page.

Happy 2015 to you. I think you're refining your sensibility in such a positive and aware direction that you'll find what you need.

Helenadove
Not saying that women are interchangeable just that we are all different when it comes to communication both men and women. I think the key here is comprise from both sides and they need to tell each other exactly what they both want from the relationship. Too many people in relationships make assumptions about the other partner, if only we all could communicate properly life would be so much easier.

She HAS told him mike Shes had to repeat herself several times upthread saying she has He hasnt listened either.

Thanks Mike, I appreciate you posting and I am sure if your girlfriend is happy with that then your relationship is compatible but for me it's not enough.

I used to work for a sex chatline so believe me....men can get up the gumption to call when there is something in it for them.

Jess I do online dating too and on my profile I make it clear I am looking for a guy who like to have conversations on phone, face to face etc. and I still get guys who still show interest but are quiet or don't like a chatty person and I ask them why and the majority reply saying they didn't think I was being too serious and that I would change or just go with their flow.

You know what you want so stick with that and you will find a man who is on your wavelength :) good luck

My husband works in city and did so since before I met him. He works very long hours, always has. Yet from the time I met him I was in no doubt that I was the most important event in his life. Apart from work there wasn't anything else he wanted to do as much as see or talk to me. He has a lot of interests, as do I, we're both independent people, but we don't either of us doubt the other's interest and commitment.

This isn't about telephone calls it's about commitment. It's perfectly possible for a man to work very long hours and still give 100% commitment to a relationship. It's just that this guy is not one of them. He may change and step up in the future, or he may carry on like this and expect his wife to work round him. (My money's on the latter, the city is full of such partnerships).

It sounds as if the OP's bf likes her as much as he would like any gf right now, it's just that for whatever reason she isn't highest on his list of priorities, certainly not before social media.

He seems to regard having rescued her as enough, as others have pointed out, and justification for any kind of laxity now. That in itself is a red flag.

I don't have any doubt you're doing the right thing OP, I don't think you do either. Good luck and I hope you find someone suitable soon.

OMG!!!!

The balls of this man.

I got a text that says

"How's your day going? We never spoke yesterday xxx".

Is he actually being serious? I don't even know what to think whether he is just a total idiot or if he's knowing he's in the shit and trying to brush over it?

A bit of both by the sound of it.

Have you replied?

He hasn't listened to you has he?