Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

I honestly think that your relationship has reached the end of the line.

I feel so sorry for you, but you shouldn't try to over analyse his every action, this is only going to cause you further pain.

Not all relationships end with a big showdown, sometimes they gradually peter out as I think is the case here.

You will find someone; this man is not a keeper.

Agree with BBB. Its obvious him being so "kind" in the beginning came with a "price tag" attached. You owe him nothing.

Jess, life is too short, as I said before all that fannying around with texts and teenage crap on the Internet. My DP can't stand texts, throughout our courtship when he or I needed to talk we rang each other. Because both our jobs were, and are, hectic, we would call by the end of the day.

I did have a non-relationship with someone who constantly texted. Drove me up the wall. He became history after 2 months, I became a slave to my mobile and it messed with my head. Within a day, I was back to being me, was such a relief.

When push comes to shove, your chap, nice tho he is, has 'other things happening' that he has allowed to be a distraction from a potential life/relationship with you.

I'd draw a line in the sand from now on and get on with other things.

Q: how's you?
A: sorry, who are you? I think you have the wrong number.

How far away are your two families? Seems strange that you wouldn't make arrangements to meet up between Christmas and new year or go away to a nice hotel, what with him having so little time off work.

When are you both back to work - tomorrow or Monday?

OP - Ive worked in the city and one thing i noticed about a lot of my male colleagues was that they all had wives who were emotionally very low maintenance. Once in a while they would do a grand gesture - which normally involved a lot of money - but most of the time they just focussed on their jobs while the wife managed the rest of their lives and themselves. Some of these men are now divorced - in every case it is the wife who left - usually after an affair with someone else.

I remember one colleague GF used come over to the office with supper every night so she could spend 40 mins with him (and they lived together)!!!!

I dont think your BF is not into you but that he fits this mould. This behaviour is unlikely to change so I too think if this is not for you, you should probably bail and find someone who is more emotionally available.

His family are 40 minutes away, and he actually has only had Christmas Day and New Years day off. Every other day he was working.

My family are right at the other end of the country, and I rarely see them so it wasn't really feasible to travel back and forth and he could not get any time off anyway.

I do think he's not going to change, and I don't want to become some wife who never sees her husband and raises the kids alone.

I don't think you sound needy, but the long hours thing would put me off. Is this likely to change? Will he be able to invest more time in your relationship? If not, move on.

OP, I don't think you sound needy. He just doesn't sound like the right one for anyone you! He can't even find the time to phone on NYD FFS!

Well you know what you need to do then OP. End this relationship and find someone who is on the same page as you.

BTW when you end the relationship I see 2 possible responses. He will either let things fade away or given his love of chasing and rescuing he might be tempted to bowl you over with a grand gesture. Think large purchase or proposal. I think he does like you but you simply want different things. Think carefully about the wise advice about the city wives. Do you really want to be a well kept single parent married to a workaholic or do you want to meet someone who is truly your partner?

No, don't be fucking 'sassy' about it. What a load of bollocks.

I did this for three years. Quite a few of my needs were not met during a relationship of three years because I pretended I was cool and pretended things didn't matter. Over time, more and more of my needs weren't met because I never stuck to my guns and said boyfriend never took me seriously. Fuck that!

I'm pretty easy to get along with. Not particularly demanding but there are some things that are important to me. Talking on the phone is important to the op, probably more so than a text asking her, "What's up?" once a day.

Massively jumping the gun there saying you don't want to be a lonely wife doing all the kids stuff....

He is working hard as he has no commitments or reason not to ( such as kids) at the moment.

That does not mean he would never change.

DH dumped his high flying career when it was too much of a strain on our family. People DO change.

Also, lots of people these days (including me) prefer txting/whatsapping to talking on the phone.

Does not mean he isn't into you

I think people here are unnecessarily negative.

I am phobic about phone calls. My dh is wonderful but when we have to talk on the phone about the kids we come off feeling totally flat and a bit depressed. We are monosyllabic and terrible at communicating on the phone but are rapier wits and very loving on text/email.

I would find it suffocating if someone insisted on talking on the phone and would literally hate it. I would also find out a massive red flag if a bf waited in all day for my call. However much I loved them I would not be able to meet this need. And I am a pretty great partner.

Just another perspective.

With regards to the long hours etc. I would never go into a relationship that needed the other person to change their lifestyle completely for us to be happy.

I know he's promising it's only temporary, but his actions say that if you keep asking "how temporary" and "when does it change" you'll just get more accusations of not understanding how busy and important his life is.

It sounds like basic compatibility issues. He's not a horrible man, but he is making you miserable. You have communicated your needs clearly and he's chosen not to change. You've given him the opportunity, he's made his decision, all fine, but not compatible.

Don't settle for someone who says they'll do things; go by his actions and not his words.

I also think MN is notorious for LTB mentality at the slightest hint someone isn't 100% perfect.

If you like each other, give it some time to grow.

Personally I don't think you were/are ready for this (or any) relationship. You say you were still at the stage of 'crying every day' about your last relationship when you met him. Yet you'd still signed up to an internet dating site.

I think you should have some time out from dating.

As for this guy, he sounds like he treats you well but your lifestyles and expectations are just not compatible.

Two very divided camps on here.

I gave my relationship 'time to grow' and one or two red flags grew into many.

Don't do what I did and waste time if you want to get married and have children. I met DH at 35, got married at 37 and at 43 don't have children (not through choice). If I hadn't wasted 3 years on someone in my early 30s I might be in a different position.

I don't enjoy speaking on the phone. I would possibly say I was busy to get out of phoning - I text and send emails and love talking in person but phone calls are much more stressful and it is very rare that I would phone my boyfriend for a chat. We've been together nearly 3 years and although I think he'd like it if we talked more on the phone it's not going to happen

Would you not just phone him yourself instead of all this angst? Or just send him a text telling him to phone you as you haven't spoken in two weeks? Or have I missed that? Or just drive down and see him, or arrange a meeting?

Maybe you need one of those men that is constantly in touch. Horses for courses. That would drive me mad but I've noticed that a lot of men who do internet dating seem to think its the norm. I'm afraid I would think someone who phoned me at 3am had nutter tendencies, unless it was an emergency.

Why did you go out with someone you didn't fancy at all in the first three months anyway? That strikes me as a bit of an odd way to start off.

And maybe at 35, both of you don't behave like you did with new partners in your teens/early twenties?

Look no one can tell you what to do, only you know what your gut feeling is about this man. What I would say is deal in what you know...when someone tells you who they are listen. He is available for you when it suits him. You've told him before how the lack of communication makes you feel and nothing has changed.

You're not 25, if you're looking for marriage and children don't waste your own time flogging a dead horse. If someone is in love with you they want to see you and hear your voice. I wonder what all these whats appers and texters would have done had these not existed? These things are fine in their place but I feel that in your situation that you're compromising more than him and that is not a good way to start off. If things are this hard after 6 months god knows what the future holds. Start as you mean to go on and never allow any bf to make you feel less than cherished, you deserve more. Giving people time and understanding is what is earned, I can't see that breaking promises earns that privilege.

Jessmay, I don't think you should just overlook something that makes you feel unhappy. Some good posts here from 'catmakesthree' adn some other posts where you'd wonder why posters so invested in to persuading you to overlook feeling like this.

look, i'm one of those people who hates speaking on the phone, but when the connection is there, really there, it's different, it becomes easy. the last bf i had I could talk to him on the phone. I didn't feel nervous about ringing him up, when I saw his name on my phone I didn't feel wary of awkwardness or saying the wrong thing. So, even people who hate speaking on the phone can do it when it's right.

did you reply to his text?!

I loved twinklesteins reply!!

One thing I'm picking up here is that the very thing that gave you small doubts right at the beginning does often turn out to be the thing you split up over later.

That's happened to me with the last two boyfriends.

Something I'm picking up is the fact you are 35 and understandably broody.
I can understand you wanting this relationship to work but you need to find someone who is emotionally available.

Good morning everyone. Thanks for all the advice.

To answer everyone's questions, yes, I did ask him to call me and texted to say I missed his voice and wanted to speak and he chose not to call after promising he would. I did try.

Woke up this morning with sore eyes, knackered and just thought to myself "I am at my first Christmas with someone I have fallen for who says he feels he same and I am supposed to feel wonderful, not awful".

I don't think I am supposed to feel awful! I think that's just my answer. I might be a bit needy but I am also extremely giving. He might be really into me, but he doesn't show it in a way that makes ME feel like he is.

That's basic compatibility. I am going to end it because I think this is meant to be the honeymoon period and it's not feeling like a honeymoon.

He has texted more. Both time making jokes. He might well be the most immature insensitive person ever. I haven't replied. Going to shower, sort my face out and go out and have the most fun day I can muster and stop letting someone else be a dick make me feel unhappy.

Go OP! That is DEFINITELY the way to go