Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

Trite message. Boring of him.

Sorry, OP.

I don't suppose he realises for some idiotic reason, that you can see his online activity by date and time. He probably assumes you have no idea how he spent the day.

I would just text back "well we might have spoken if you had made time instead of fussing about online"

If you don't want to reply, just delete and go quiet. Let him stew.

you asked him to ring you right?! you sent him a text asking him to ring you!

I congratulate you on your insight as well. You say that in your last relationship you were treated well outwardly. I think that your counselling is working. You know that this is another irrelationship.

No, I haven't replied to any.

What a knob!

what a knob sounds about right.

Yes, for those not wanting to read 10 pages.

We've been apart for 10 days. He's rubbish with phonecalls.

He texted on Christmas Eve to say he missed me loads and could we talk on the phone. I said yes and was really excited. He texted several times over the day to say "give me a bit more time, just busy" and then never actually called.

I was upset Christmas day and told him he'd hurt me by not finding 5 minutes to call. He said I was being unreasonable and selfish.

I texted him on NYE and asked him to call me if he could get 5 minutes outside. He did call me, but had no battery so said he would call new years day for a long chat.

I texted him in the morning to say I was looking forward to our chat and what time would be good to talk.

He didn't reply.

He then spent the afternoon watching Indiana Jones and monkeying around on Facebook and sent me a text eventually at 18.30 asking how I was, completely ignoring my text about when we could talk.

Then something at 22.30 asking if I'd watched Anchorman. Then something t 22.38 making a joke.

Then he fell asleep and never actually called. AGAIN.

Then texts me just now to point out that we never spoke. "we never spoke yesterday :( x" is his text.

As if he's sad about it, or as if we could not make it happen??!!!! We didn't talk yesterday because he could not be arsed to phone me! I was sitting by the phone all day! what a knob!!!

Hmmmm. You could reply

"I'm sorry, I hope you're not too upset? I just didn't have time to actually call you. Xxx"

Be interested to see what he does with that. Or am I being cruel?!

I would just text back "well we might have spoken if you had made time instead of fussing about online"

I did exactly that after he did this same thing on Christmas Eve and got an agry response saying I was bang out of order, that it was my choice not to be together for the holidays and that he'd been so upset watching me leave that he'd forgotten to get off the train at the right stop. Then he said he had bee really stressed rushing around buying presents and coordinating with family and friends so he could see them all in the precious 36 hours he had off work and did I understand how stressful it was.

YET...he hadn't said that! All his texts said was that he was busy and would call me later. He never explains a thing and expect me to just read his mind and magically know what's going on. He's also incredibly disorganised. Like why not get his presents online well in advance? I mean, with the time it takes to poo every day surely you can call your girlfriend? He acts like I'm unreasonable and selfish.

It's like trying to guess all the time and he's a nightmare.

Emeline, no, that's letting him off and playing games. I'm not replying for now because I can't think of anything I want to say.

Don't raise to the bait. He knows full well that he said he would ring and then didn't. Please don't give this idiot any more head space, men who make and break promises are 10 a penny.

So he told you you were 'out of order' when you pulled him up on this before and got angry - wow what arrogance.

How about a simple last text to him with 'consider yourself dumped' then delete/block his number/email etc.

Men like this ain't worth squat.

Your right, I was just imagining playing a game of reflecting him back to himself. But why bother.

Good for you for not bothering.
X

He's left you with nothing to say...that's what happens, when you've already said it all.. And it's been ignored!

You're

Yes he said I was "bang out of order".

So the reality I suppose is, that if he did something once and I told him how I felt and he said I was bang out of order for feeling that way - he's backed me into a corner now where I suppose it's like it or lump it.

Lump it then.

lumping it will make you happier.

There's nothing worse than waiting for a call. I'm as single as a big single ting and I'm perfectly happy because I'm not sitting around waiting for a call. I know it's different because we have different agendas now for the next stages of our lives, but I hope you know what I mean.

When I was working around worked I still skyped/video texted/called.

Not even any sexting?

You are in your prime dating years you are wasting time here, just move on, hes not that into you.

Abroad not around

"not even any sexting" as thought that were the default, primary form of communication between two people.

fgs, why 'sext' a man that can't be arsed to speak to her.

JegHar what I am trying to get to poorly is the lack of passion from the guy.

Jess I am livid with him. I just know he's going to be bewildered and angry that you've ended it. He will see it as "I can't believe you've finished with me because I didn't phone you enough"

When in reaity you've ended it because he didn't listen or care when you told him how you felt. He didn't make you a priority in his life leaving you feeling second best. The non phone call is just a symptom really isn't it?

FWIW the dismissal of my feelings as "silly" is a massive deal breaker for me. I HATE it. Even if my feelings on something are irrational sometimes, they are still my feelings and should be respected as such

I hope you're OK. I know you will be long term - you sound lovely

Sexting isn't a sign of passion.

Another FWIW - when my exDP was working on a different continent and the time difference made phone calls difficult, there was still a lot of sexting and romantic texts. And he always always alwyas found time to call every day. Without fail. Even if it was only 3 seconds to say "hello I love you are you OK?" and he had the fullest-on job you can imagine

Emeline I think what breakingdad is trying to say that in the early stages of a relationship there's usually a lot of lust, passion etc. Sexting is one way that some couples keep the flames going when they can't be together because it's...well...fun (or can be!)

Thanks bitoutofpractice.

You're right, he will react by thinking I am the one with the problem, but then if people don't want to listen or hear what you're saying you can't make them, can you?

What I am learning is that there is a vast proportion of grown men who have no idea how to communicate or listen to what other people want or need and they;re so set in their ways they have no room to allow for someone else or any flexibility in the way they live their life.