Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

Whatsgoingon, I do appreciate you giving me the other side, and I agree he was always like this and I agree it didn't bother me before and I agree he's not a bad person and I think, yes, he probably is really into me and just crap at this.

But the point is that he is not listening to what I want and need to feel happy, loved, cared for and I have tried and tried to get him to listen but he doesn't want to hear me. That means I either have to accept what he is willing to offer or walk away and I choose to walk away because I want those things.

I haven't been some emotional wreck drinking over Christmas. Tonight is the first day I have drunk really. I was fine at first, a bit miffed on Christmas eve when he did what he did today. Asked if we could talk because he missed me and then kept texting saying he was just doing something and would call soon. I went to bed feeling disappointed and was a bit snappy on Christmas day because he never called then either. New Year's Eve pissed me off no end and today was just the icing on the cake.

I do think I deserve to have my needs met, and I don't really think my needs are very demanding.

I wouldnt sleep with a man if i couldnt RIng him up.

He's astonishingly romantic and sweet, he doesn't just text, he sends long texts saying how he feels, how much he misses me, how sad he is without me. He sends photos of what he's doing and who he's with and even makes little videos of him miming along to love songs.

the point is that I just want him to bloody well phone me when he says he will!!!

And he has always been awful with the phone. I think he has phoned me in total 4 times since we met. He has never Skyped me. He likes texting, he likes video messages, he likes face to face.

The point is that he's not listening to what I like. The point is that if I accept that - what's next? What about if have other needs he doesn't want to satisfy?

Whats GoingOn he is not listening to the OP That is a HUGE red flag. He seemed to like it when she was vulnerable though.

When i posted about White Knight Syndrome i hadnt read the whole thread. Then as i was reading it i fully expected to find that at least one other poster must be thinking the same but surprisingly no. I was the only one to mention it in 6 pages.

The point is that if I accept that - what's next? What about if have other needs he doesn't want to satisfy?

EXACTLY A bloody good point.

The point is that if I accept that - what's next? What about if have other needs he doesn't want to satisfy?

EXACTLY

Sorry for double post Shit connection

He has been endlessly patient with me since we started seeing each other and very kind when I was in a very low place.

If I raise that him not calling makes me feel bad or like he doesn't care, it pisses him off.

1. I am selfish because I am not considering how busy he is.

1. I am reminded he spends every day with me that he possibly can and how little sleep or free time he has.

1. I am told that he would not have spent so much time helping me, mopping up my tears, patiently waiting for me if he hadn't cared and that this showed he wnated to be there for better or worse.

1. I am making him out to be a bad boy when all he is guilty of is being a crap communicator.

I have had this argument / discussion twice before with him and it always ends with him stating these four points (all of which are true in a sense) but he doesn't change the behavior that caused the argument.

It's weird! Why not just call? 10 minutes of your life once a week to make someone else happy? He gives so many other things. He's odd.

Whats Going on - the issue is really that he expects OP to compromise and text all the time knowing that she prefers phone calls. Fine OP compromises and makes efforts to text but he should also compromise and make an effort to call more not just expect her to put up with it and when she then talks to him about it he should just realise and show he is making an effort.

For some people texting is just not personal enough and IMO it should never be the main communication tool - texting IMO is a secondary way of communicating with someone and I wouldn't want a partner who thought nothing less of just texting all the time without compromising and making an effort to call.

So the payback that you owe him for playing "rescuer" is to keep quiet and know your place!

FUCK THAT.

OP, what are his reasons for not spending Christmas and New year with you?

OP Please please read this.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-you-should-be-wary-of-any-man-that-is-reliant-on-text-messaging-email-and-instant-messenger/

Jessmay, I wasn't implying you'd been in a drunken pile for nine days! Sorry. I just know how stressful Christmas is, and how the tiredness, expectations, wine, heavy food, socialising, etc can add up.

I'm very, very like you. When I met my DP I was recently separated from my ex-H, vulnerable, and sensitive. I told my DP I didn't want anything "serious" from him and he chased me. When I fell for him, I then became very, very raw - I read possible bad intentions into everything and was desperate not to expose myself to the merest HINT of future pain or loss of pride.

He never rang me, and like you i worried my arse off. The only thing that saved me was that I had my cousin living with me, who kept telling me that he clearly just wasn't a phone person and if everything else was good, it didn't really matter.

When I got to know DP better, he opened up and I found out that he preferred texts and emails because he was shy, very keen not to say the wrong thing (or just the crap, unfunny thing) and liked having time to think about what he was going to say. Like your BF, he discovered a million different ways of communicating with me that just didn't involve speech. So he was trying to keep in touch every way he could.

But i'm a woman, I like talking. I'm good at talking, to me it's the easiest way to express myself. He's different. (He does call all the time now, but was honestly almost mute for the first year.)

If your BF is as important to you as you say, why not just ask him why he doesn't like calling? Don't make him feel bad by saying how sad you feel when he doesn't call. He'll feel like he's failing,band feel awful. Just start a conversation (when you're face to face) to find out what it is about calling that he dislikes. There's clearly something. Maybe he hates his voice, an ex told him he sounds like a punctured balloon, he gets really flustered on the phone, he has tinnitus... Be sassy about it, keep your sense of humour. Stand up for yourself. "Yo, Chaplin - what's with the silent treatment?"

He might wriggle and squirm and make awful excuses - THAT'S the time to finish with him. But everything else has been so good, I don't think you'd be silly to give it one last chance with a chat when you meet up. (And I'm not one for putting up with crap!)

I've got to go now. Sleep on it, at least.

I'm very happy to text. I just think if we're apart for two weeks texting is not enough. Especially if Christmas and New Year are included in that two weeks because I just want to talk to my boyfriend so we can stay intimate. He can text the rest of the time...my previous exes called me a lot more but I am fine with compromising.

BlueBrightBlue, I wasn't ready to introduce him to my family and friends yet because I had not really mentioned him. He did invite me to go with his, my father was recently ill and I wnated to be with them.

So yes, he generally is the one pushing for more commitment, but part of the reason I don't give it is communication issues like this. I do feel like he is quite hard to talk to and that he doesn't really understand what I a trying to say.

jess please read the link i posted Im betting you will nod your head while reading it at least once.

He gives so many other things - but does he only give what, and when, he wants to give?

Did you ever get the feeling he has a relationship template - which is very nice, but inflexible? Some people just go through life applying their own templates, such that anyone who roughly fits the stencil 'partner', 'family', etc, gets slotted in. Fine if you have templates that happen to match theirs or you're willing to re-shape yourself, but confusing & frustrating if you happen to be your own person.

I think PP might have been on to something with the White Knight and Mr Unavailable. Some people's relationship templates require a partner who is vulnerable, sometimes to the extent that they will provoke vulnerability. It could even be that he'd withhold whatever it was you needed, so as to keep you feeling needy enough. (I'm not familiar with White Knight Syndrome, but it sounds like it could be a glammed-up version of co-dependence.) And there are loads of Mr Unavailables about, with various fairly predictable patterns of being unavailable. It's not usually their fault, and many of them are nice people, but they'll still always find ways to keep you at a slightly uncomfortable distance.

You deserve better. We all do :)

" Be sassy about it" Jesus wept!

Or, as Helena says:

So the payback that you owe him for playing "rescuer" is to keep quiet and know your place!

FUCK THAT.

That was more succinct!

I just read the post JessMay wrote while I was typing my latest tome, and I must say I don't like this bit: "1. I am selfish because I am not considering how busy he is."

Yeuch. OK that's not on.

I read the link Helena.
I recently met someone; we texted for about 2 months.
In that time I phoned him numerous times but he would text back to say he wasn't allowed to phone during working hours/was busy/ at his sisters etc.
About a fortnight he sent me a vile text to say I sounded like bloody hard work and he'd had a lucky escape!
Numerous texts followed to ask if I'd deleted his number.
I ignored them all , goodness knows what this pillock was playing at.

Phew, Whats I was getting worried about you!

BBB You are the one who had the lucky escape

I'm very, very like you. When I met my DP I was recently separated from my ex-H, vulnerable, and sensitive. I told my DP I didn't want anything "serious" from him and he chased me. When I fell for him, I then became very, very raw - I read possible bad intentions into everything and was desperate not to expose myself to the merest HINT of future pain or loss of pride.

That's definitely true of me. Thanks Whatsgoingon....I know you've taken a beating from some others, but you do make some good points that I have read and that will temper my reaction to being less angry and maybe more understanding that he might just be like this. I don't think he is a bad man.

Still though...doesn't really change that this makes me feel like shit, and I really want to spend my life with someone who cares if something they do makes me feel like shit.

he only gives what, and when, he wants to give?

Yes, I definitely feel he is very rigid.

So the payback that you owe him for playing "rescuer" is to keep quiet and know your place!

I did kind of feel like he is saying that. Like one cancels the other out.

I am grateful to him for being so lovely and kind, but I don't want it thrown back in my face.

You're all so clever, thank you, I feel much better and much more in control. It's more simple when you talk it out.

I did read the link, and it does sound pretty accurate. No one is too busy to phone.

It's obvious isn't it, that if we don't phone someone, we are avoiding that person.

We all know it, in ourselves.

We also know that when we are close to someone, we need to speak with them a lot.

This guy has messed with your head in making you doubt these very basic, simple facts.