Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
GallicShrug · 03/01/2015 23:16

He felt sad, so he decided to go visit you (without first speaking to you) having completely forgotten where you were.

I think this tells you all you need to know!
Lovely Jess, you are but a cypher code-named Girlfriend; an accessory to the Life Of Him.
You deffo deserve better, but I guess it was good while it was good!

Twinklestein · 03/01/2015 23:20

You're right he didn't want to talk to you, if he did he would have called/texted/emailed.

He sent the sentimental text to test the waters and see if he could feel you back in if he wanted.

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 23:20

OP, I'm not suggesting you are a gold digger.
I've had a few boyfriends with whom I've enjoyed their company but not felt much chemistry. As a woman in her 30's and desperate for children, I tried to make allowances for lack of compatibility , telling myself that having a good income and so on would compensate that.

GallicShrug · 03/01/2015 23:23

Btw, you are not obliged to 'improve' him for future girlfriends. He's a grown-up. You can just tell him this relationship isn't emotionally satisfying for you, or whichever wording matches your exact feeling. I agree it's going to be better for you to do the driving here, otherwise you're lining up several more weeks of promises to call and checking his Facebook.

cerealqueen · 03/01/2015 23:23

My current DP was like this, texted, never called, always up to me to make dates. seemed keen but then not so. one day I concluded he wasn't that into me and sent an email saying " It seems up to me again to bump start this relationship. But I'm not going to as I get the feeling you don't really want to do this. I'm busy, and so are you so let's just put this on the back burner give me a shout if you want to hang out" To be clear, I wasn't in love with him but was tired of it going nowhere. It did give him a kick up the backside and now we have two kids.

There is a saying if you love somebody set them free, if they are meant for you they'll come back. Let him go.

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 23:27

cerealqueen , that is a lovely story..

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:28

I don't really see him as the manipulative / game playing type and in honesty I think it's me who has messed him about for six months rather than vice versa and I am feeling a bit defensive of him because he really has been a rock to me and he's not a horrible person.

Childish, yes. Clueless, yes sometimes but also very insightful and empathetic about other things. He is probably as insecure as I am (I have given him heaps of reason to be)

Thing is though, nothing really changes the fact that he doesn't listen to me sometimes, and I find it hard to understand him, and I feel like I needed a thread on Mumsnet to work out what he felt or thought, and I know none of that is very good regardless of whether he cares about me or not.

Because like someone said before it's differing attachment styles and we just don't seem to mesh and I know it's not meant to be 17 pages of thread hard to just talk to your boyfriend about something simple!

I don't think hes's intentionally made me feel like shit. I doubt he even knows I care enough about him for him to have any effect on me at all, I think he thinks I still love my ex and I think he thinks he is a rebound to me.

What I wanted to do was talk to him and tell him that I love him (I've never told him) and that I did want to be with him, which is, I suppose why I was testing a little bit. Seeing if he'd call. I should really have just called HIM on Chistmas Day but I took it as a major rejection when he had no time to do it himself (or moreover no inclination).

I know sometimes you can think someone's is really fantastic and just be too diferrent or too at odds for it to work. I would like to handle it like an adult though and make sure (if he does care) that I don't hurt this person who has done nothing but be kind and nice to me since we met.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:29

BBB, honestly though, his position in life was not a factor. I'd far rather date a plasterer that was home at 4pm and actually find his job REALLY off putting because of the hours.

OP posts:
kwerty · 03/01/2015 23:30

It does sound as though he is starring in his own drama. I think I might point out that there is a way round 'missing your voice' ...

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:33

I know. I'd like to find a way (call or face to face) that wasn't a one line text to explain to him that I really like and care about him but that the things I personally need to feel happy and secure in a relationship are not here and that I think we're not a good fit.

Cereal that was a lovely story, and I am glad that was the end result.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 03/01/2015 23:34

Ok I am seeing right through the sentimental TEXT about nearly driving to your house.

Utter. Bollox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dump him please!!!!!! Do it!!!!!

Charley50 · 03/01/2015 23:44

Then why the fuck doesn't he just CALL YOU? It's doing me nut in. It's like telephones had never been invented, just text phones!

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 23:46

OP why are you clutching at straws, over analysing this man?
I is so blatantly obvious he's not the man for you and you are not the woman for him.
Yes; I can see he was you rock, your saviour when you were going through a bad patch in your life, but I'm not getting the " my every fibre yearns for you" thing.
The writing is on the wall, does it need to be emboldened and written in neon paint to make you see it?
He didn't call you for days, he ignores your requests to talk.
Which part of this message can't you read?
Are you willing to let this pathetic drama continue for another 6 months or even years.
What do you find so endearing about a " boyfriend" that basically ignores you most of the time but finds the time to post amusing updates on Farcebook?

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:46

Yes, I know all this, I do know. I promise I'm not going to let this carry on, I just want to deal with it right. For me as much as him.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 03/01/2015 23:49

I think really if you wanted to talk to him and tell him you love him, you should have rang him the minute you received the last text. Not to tell him you love him but just to say "now you can hear my voice" and then talked and made a plan to see each other.

I do think this business of not listening is a major fault. It may mean that you will always have this issue. Or perhaps he really feels insecure and confused.

Pride is good but comes before a fall. Maybe just swallow yours and tell him how you feel about him. If he continues to ignore your needs or fails to understand you, then walk. But always do whatever you do with integrity, don't lapse into playing games or tit for tat.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:49

BBB, I didn't say I don't see it. I didn't think I was clutching at straws. Someone came on earlier and asked for an update which is why I updated.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:52

That's what I meant, I want to do it with integrity.

I honestly don't know if he doesn't care that much about me, if he can;t be bothered to talk to me or if he has genuinely been really busy, always with people or family around him with no privacy and if rubbish at phone calls and feeling insecure himself.

The point really is that he hasn't done anything awful to me to deserve to be treated badly and dumped by a snarky text so I do want to talk to him properly to do it.

That's all I am saying.

I do realise we are fundamentally incompatible. I don't think it's nice to dump anyone by text, even if they have been a knob.

OP posts:
BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 23:52

Text him now, he doesn't do actual talking face to face; pander to his way of communication.
This should take no more than about 5 minutes of your life.
There is no easy way of ending it, you and him both know this, so go girl, cut him loose and leave this untenable relationship with your dignity intact.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:56

I'll call him tomorrow. Whether he's working or not, but I'm not sending him a text to dump him while he's sleeping. Seems really horrible to do that. I don't really even see it as dumping, but more acknowledging that things between us aren't going well and won't work out.

OP posts:
ohdearitshappeningtome · 03/01/2015 23:57

Just bloody ring him in the morning before he goes to work!

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:59

I will call him! Please all stop shouting at me. I'm not a very impulsive sort of person and take time to work out how to do things. All that pressure makes me feel a bit panicked. Sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 04/01/2015 00:00

(I know you're not shouting) Flowers

OP posts:
ohdearitshappeningtome · 04/01/2015 00:01

Thing is your never gonna know either way until one of you makes the effort
Wine

GallicShrug · 04/01/2015 00:20

It does sound as though he is starring in his own drama - This was a better way of putting it. I keep posting things that you, Jess, or others read as if I'm saying he's perpetrating some evil plot. I'm not remotely saying that! It's basically what you've been saying about attachment styles. Various people have various ways of being within their attachment styles, and I see it as a very useful 'learning' to identify these. (In psychology these patterns are called schema. And they form the basis of a huge amount of art, music & writing through the ages.)

Your instincts/gut feelings have been telling you something loud and clear. At least 80% of the posts on here are trying to put flesh on that feeling, to fill out the detail. Because this is how to 'understand', so you can learn a little more about yourself and others :)

^^ last paragraph sound patronising; I'm too tired to rewrite it.

Daisychain5 · 04/01/2015 00:21

I've been readin this thread and am so frustrated! He really is NOT into you. Stop trying to analyse it. There is nothing to analyse. He is not your boyfriend/partner........he doesn't want to talk to you, just wants to give you enough to keep you dangling. Find some self respect!