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Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
AnneofCheese · 03/01/2015 21:40

Exactly - I promise you it isn't hard. When you meet the right person, it's just so straightforward - you won't ever have to go through nonsense like this! You just want to spend time together, talk, plan and ring each other up, without any second guessing or games. It'll happen Smile

SnotandBothered · 03/01/2015 21:41

Jesmay I just want to tell you that I really admire your rational and logical thinking. It would be so easy in the first flush of a relationship to make excuses for someone, and realising now, that he isn't going to operate in a way that makes you happy and walk away from it is really brave.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 22:07

Thanks Snot and Anne.

Kind of easier to walk away than to be hurt again

OP posts:
AnneofCheese · 03/01/2015 22:11

Much easier, and the right thing to do. Instincts are excellent things.

albal14 · 03/01/2015 22:17

I wish it was..........

albal14 · 03/01/2015 22:23

Ref; your last post Jessx

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 22:34

I would be tempted to send a text along the lines of " I wish you every success for 2015, sorry things did not work out between us, you are a smashing bloke, thanks for all the great times we shared, no hard feelings and so on."
Wait for a reply then delete and block all phone numbers and other contacts and draw a line in the sand.
Had to do the same myself just over a year ago. We are still civil when we occasionally meet; there is no awkwardness or bitterness.
Do it Jess, get closure and move on.

Twinklestein · 03/01/2015 22:40

I think BrightBlue's suggestion is excellent. Personally I couldn't sit around in limbo, I'd have to take charge and get it sorted.

Twinklestein · 03/01/2015 22:40

But obviously it's your call OP.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 22:54

Albal...you struggling to walk away? Tell these ladies the story...they're awfully clever.

Text from him just now, he's just home, he's not eaten all day, he drove to my house almost because he forgot I was away and he's really sad and missing me. Baffling human being.

Quite hard to send a text like that now. Really not sure how to play this. He might just be the most oblivious person in history.

OP posts:
JapaneseMargaret · 03/01/2015 22:57

BBB's suggestion is bang on. Allows you to be the non-passive one (I couldn't just wait around for someone to dump me in this scenario, my pride simply wouldn't allow it), and crucially allows a firm line in the sand to be drawn.

Think how much less awkward it will be if/when you run into him again.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 03/01/2015 22:58

Op do you really want to finish with him

JapaneseMargaret · 03/01/2015 22:59

OK, cross-posted.

He's still only texting, though. Why doesn't he just pick up the damn phone and call you, if he's missed you that much...? Confused

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 22:59

Sigh. I want to finish with him I think. I don't want to feel the way I have and don't think it will change.

I also don't like finishing with someone when I genuinely don't know if they will be sad or happy about it.

It's like sword fighting in the dark.

OP posts:
ohdearitshappeningtome · 03/01/2015 23:03

I think you owe him and yourself one last chance at explaining how you feel
. He may be struggling to tell you too!

Ring himWink

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 23:06

He "almost" drove past your house?
Call me daft but I think that is bollocks.
He's just too much of a scaredy cat to tell you it's over ( which of course you do realise don't you?)
9 days of no contact and then this.
Don't be played the Fool and send him a sodding text like I suggested and lay him to rest for your own sanity.

JapaneseMargaret · 03/01/2015 23:07

I'd probably just wait now, until he actually calls you.

And then have an actual conversation, at which point you let him know that this is deal-breaker stuff and you're on the verge of breaking up with him over it.

It's fine if not calling is his thing, and it's not something he's willing to change for you (and in all likelihood, he might change - and call you for a while before reverting back to old ways), but it's also fine for this not to be enough for you.

kwerty · 03/01/2015 23:07

Are you replying to his texts?

HelenaDove · 03/01/2015 23:08

You owe absolutely nothing to this manchild.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:12

Well I just replied to that text, just asking how he was and what's been going on.

He sent texts back that said he was really tired, feeling confused because he doesn't know what's going on with us, and that that was his quick answer in case he drifted off. Then he sent another text saying we have to talk soon because he misses my voice.

Confused

I know you're all going to try and analyse that but it makes no sense, does it. If he misses me so much and misses my voice why doesn't he phone me. I know he's crazy busy and exhausted...but...huh?

I do feel like I need a face to face conversation with him to try and explain all this really calmly and see what he has to say.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 03/01/2015 23:13

Been following the whole thread and I think he probably isn't the one for you as you don't feel comfortable ringing him, but maybe you should ring or meet him to explain why you are ending it. From his point of you you've been blanking him for a couple of days now.

Charley50 · 03/01/2015 23:13

Point of view not you!

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 23:14

Sorry if this sounds cruel, but I think the both of you have some growing up to do.
I'm sure you are both lovely people, but this silly game playing after 6 months means that your relationship is doomed.
You can't make him the man you want him to be; I see the attraction; well paid job, no dependants and so on, but I'm not sensing any chemistry just desperation on your part.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:14

Yes, I know, I think I just felt like he didn't want to talk to me. I didn't want to chase him around.

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 23:16

I wasn't attracted to him because of his well paid job or lack of dependants at all :/ I was attracted to him (eventually) because he forced me to get up out of bed when I was crying and sad and made me go for walks with him and his dog and friends, and he listened to me, and he motivated me. In those early days he was the thing that got me moving when I felt like pulling the covers over my head and then I started to fancy him because he was so lovely. I have a good job too, no need for money.

OP posts: