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Original poster

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
ChelsyHandy · 03/01/2015 13:06

So he's lately promised to call you a few times, you've waited for the call, and he hasn't? I wouldn't be happy with that. Although I can understand his comment about you being out of order for sort of cyber-monitoring his activities all day - maybe you need to get out more and stop thinking so much about phone calls and online activities in the holidays? Its his business what he does all day, you've only been seeing each other 6 months and its holiday time - he's probably slipped into family mode, is lazing around, relaxing, sleeping (especially if he works long hours).

I think I would have phoned him myself by now. You do seem to want him to run around chasing you an awful lot and to put up with being put on hold when it suits you.

You admit to not fancying him for the first 3 months, messing him around, cancelling dates, avoiding introducing him to your friends and family, talking about exs and you turned down his offer to spend New Year together. The latter would be the biggy for me - you might not want to cancel plans, but I would desperate to spend new year with a new boyfriend. He has admitted to being upset about this. Maybe being at home with family has made him think you treat him badly or something or are too much hard work. I don't think I'd be rushing to phone you either.

Maybe you just aren't suited to each other that well?

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 13:19

Christmas and New Year can make or break relationships.
Perhaps he's wondering how he's going to call things off with you ?
It sounds as if neither of you really want to pursue this silly charade.

NoveltySlippers · 03/01/2015 13:34

That's a nice way of looking at it gallicshrug!

In the interests of being accurate I think someone should point out he's actually been working every day of the holiday except Xmas and NYD. (Not that that excuses no call.) But just to point out that he hasn't been sitting around in his jim jams for two weeks.

I still think he's got a different attachment style to jess though and unless he can / wants to meet Jess's needs, it's not a great match. As gallicshrug says though, this has been a good step towards an even healthier relationship for next time.

Jess - today is a Saturday. Surely a phone call should be on the cards today from him if he does want to make it work.?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 03/01/2015 13:42

I do feel like you wanted an excuse to break up with this man, and you've finally found one.

I really don't get why you're now ignoring him. What's the point in that? (Except tit for tat, punishment, or you don't want to after all.) Just break up with him as politely as you can and move on.

Note: being bad at ending relationships is another sign of having commitment issues. ;)

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 13:46

He's working today AND tomorrow. His next day off is Wednesday. Yes, as I said - crazy working hours and weekends are a bit meaningless right now. The only days he had off were 1st and 2nd January and he didn't call on either day.

I am here until the 12th Jan, so no doubt by then things will have fizzled. Yes, maybe he was looking for a way to end it. Hard to say when he doesnt say what he is thinking. I don't like being left to unravel someone else's behavior.

I am bad at ending relationships. I don't actually think I ever have...Oh dear, seems I am generally the one to be dumped!

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 03/01/2015 14:00

I think he's just very immature. He is (rightly) upset that OP didn't want to spend either Christmas or NYE together (I think, OP, you should have done nye together if you were in love - to him it probably sounds that you aer not in love), and now he's sulking and not doing what you ask in revenge, not phoning. Immature, he should be just asking you straight whether you are interested or not. Also all the jokes and getting excited about childrens tv is showing him as a big kid, even though he's sincere and meaning well IMO.
Nothing wrong with being a big kid as such, but IMO, OP needs a mature caring type of partner, who is excellent at expressing himself and who's very open.
Agree, no much point wasting anymore time on this as it's no good for either of them.

gatewalker · 03/01/2015 14:09

"Oh dear, seems I am generally the one to be dumped!"

OP, then you have the perfect opportunity to break that experience. Good luck.

dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 14:13

Not that it matters because I don't think it sounds like things would or should work anyway, but to be fair to the OP she did say she invited him to spend NYE with her too- neither wanted to give up theirs for the other.

After 6 months (half of which possibly doesn't really count?) and with this much hassle...meh. I hope the fizzle thing works for you as that's probably easiest.

NoveltySlippers · 03/01/2015 14:19

Gosh that is a demanding work load. This should be consolation for you too Jess - relationships with people that work such long hours are hard work. I have a friend who's dad was an obstetrician. Wonderful man but even their marriage was strained because the wife never saw him. You need to think too whether that would be right for you.

(My DH works in the public sector and feels hard done by if he leaves at quarter past 5 Hmm)

BlueBrightBlue · 03/01/2015 18:05

Any update OP? Has he texted you today?

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 18:25

No :( not once!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 19:04

Although I checked and he had time in his lunch hour to do a test on Facebook of how many capital cities he could guess Hmm

I'm not even annoyed anymore, but it's just really weird!

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 03/01/2015 19:13

He sounds bloody juvenile And it sounds like some sort of childish revenge for the way he percieves you to have been at the start.

But he knew you had difficulties because of a previous relationship. Im liking him less and less But it doesnt matter whether I like him or not. Its up to you whether you put up with it or not.

JapaneseMargaret · 03/01/2015 19:36

Seize the day! Be the dumper!

Why not...?

Botanicbaby · 03/01/2015 19:43

"Although I checked and he had time in his lunch hour to do a test on Facebook of how many capital cities he could guess"

his lunch hour? he must be the only person I have ever heard of with an extremely demanding city job doing crazy hours who a) gets a lunch 'hour' and b) would be able (and willing) to spend his 'precious' time on FB.

fizzle out? the relationship already sounds non-existent with neither of you making a move.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 19:55

I dunno. I'm sort of just watching to see what happens. If I can avoid dumping and just come to a mutual fizzle it'd be easier.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 20:11

I understand the fizzle thing. You both know what's happening, albeit unspoken. It's only been a few months and I think is an acceptable way to let things go. Maybe not if you were friends before, but if you don't have to continue seeing one another then meh. Possibly just another commitment phone here, though almost certainly. Anything for an easy life.

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 20:14

Yeh, I know it's a bit cowardly, but when someone doesn't want to communicate with you it feels a bit weird forcing them to in order to dump them. If he was calling I'd not be dodging the calls and avoiding he tough conversation but if he wants to fizzle contact....fine by me!

OP posts:
Handywoman · 03/01/2015 20:33

I get that the fizzle thing here is very appropriate. But aren't you tempted to dump by text??? I would be.

Smile

Love this thread though.

Sickoffrozen · 03/01/2015 20:38

Jess, this isn't a relationship. You are wasting your time. Just end it and move on. Men who work these silly hours are almost as hooked as drug addicts. They love work and earning money more than anything else. They don't change. It's not wrong to want to feel closer to someone and I don't think you are needy. Life is short. Don't waste it on someone who is never going to meet your needs.

albal14 · 03/01/2015 20:39

Hi Jess,
Been catching up on your story, took bloody ages!369 ? as I have been busy. I had an ex who was very much like you, I worked abroad so txts were the way to communicate back then, when a phone call cost a fortune. I'm very laid back and reply maybe not straight away, she'd forgive me. As for 9 days! that would be a bit too much. I could never do that, she was always on my mind.
As others have said It's doomed if you feel this way after 6 months, and a terrible time at that.
I'm a little older than 35, & I've not married.

You sound lovely.

Take care

ISpeakJive · 03/01/2015 20:40

Just block him from everything, Jess!! Mobile, Facebook etc

To be honest, sounds like there is something dodgy going on with him!
i.e. Other women.

You sound lovely. He sounds like a little shit!

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 20:49

Love your username ISpeakJive!

Thanks Alba :) Yes! I want to be always on someone's mind.

I know this has been a long thread. Typing nonsense here has been good as it stopped me from contacting him, which is good!

OP posts:
LynnieLurker · 03/01/2015 21:06

The lack of meaningful contact in the last few days speaks volumes here....I retract my earlier plea for not dumping!

I met my now dh 3 days after being dumped by someone....you never know what's around the corner! Good luck Jess!

Original poster
jessmay · 03/01/2015 21:31

yes, not good, is it? Fingers crossed.

I feel ready now to be with someone normal, who'll be nice to me and marry me and have a child and just be normal.

Shouldn't be so hard!

OP posts: