Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

She's not hanging everything on him ringing her ffs. He's had 9 days of holiday and didn't bother to contact her properly once. If he wanted to see her face to face that much it could have been achieved.

If you read the detail of the problems in the relationship it's clear that they are not on the same wavelength:

I feel like he doesn't hear what I am saying. He infuriates me. He doesn't explain anything. He doesn't do some of the things I need and he doesn't listen properly if I try and explain. I feel like I don't get how his mind works. I can't get that intimate with him because it's just chalk and cheese

The Christmas shenanigans are a symptom of much deeper problems in the relationship. When a relationship works it works and there's no need for this endless angst and analysis.

I've followed this from the beginning and read all the posts.

Personally my plan would be to have one final talk with him, explain that you're not blaming him as such (he's entitled to be "who he is" as much as you are), but that you don't feel your expectations of a relationship are compatible. If he is upset and promises to change then give him a final chance, maybe another month or so. If he shrugs and says that this is all he can offer, then end the relationship. That way you'll know you tried everything but haven't wasted too much time on something that isn't going anywhere.

And I know you've already had this talk with him, but from what I can gather you weren't as close to calling it a day then as you are now, so maybe he didn't get the message loud and clear enough.

I really appreciate the views, and Rousette and Italian, I do lean towards your way of thinking and I suspect he would be sitting there shouting "yes! exactly!" if he was here.

It's just that as much as I like him and think all those things are true, I really do find communicating with him very difficult. Even when we do talk. that's actually the case.

Have you ever talked to someone and you just feel like they don't "get" you?

He's a wonderful listener, but a terrible talker. I spend a lot of time trying to work out his actions and figure out what he's thinking or why he did what he did. It was okay when I didn't care, but the more I care the more uncomfortable it makes me.

I do think he lives a disorganised life. I have seen him have his flat sold and literally not try and work out a new place to live until 3 days before his moving date. He's a chaotic sort of a person, and he has endless friends and will talk to anyone (have seen him have a long chat for 45 minutes with my 92 year old neighbour) and I do think he just lives in the moment a bit.

He has so many lovely characteristics but he's also quite frustrating to go out with and really hard to interpret his behavior.

I do genuinely think though that he has given up on me a bit. I think maybe he started to file me in his head as someone to not get attached to, and now I want to get attached I think he doesn't want to anymore.

I'm leaving it for now, but he's cooled off so much. You know when you know!?!

Omg why is it there is always an excuse for men....men are easily confused...really?! Yet this said man can hold down a city job and not get easily confusdd in it and clearly listen to instructions at work and act on it.

Her bf maybe lovely in other aspects hut if he cannot even compromise and make a small effort to call when she has said its important to her than why even continue to make it work. Move on and find the guy who will meet your needs.

If you hadn't already spoken to him about it then yes even I would tell you to talk to him but you say you have talked to him a few times. He still isn't prepared to make an effort then screw it.

But Twinkelstein, you say he had 9 days of holiday and didn't bother to contact her properly once. Maybe he was hurt she didn't want to spend NYE with him. I do however agree they are not on the same wavelength and have different expectations of a relationship.

Do we ever know someone 100%? I think not. I don't know how my DH's mind works at times, he sometimes doesn't listen properly, he is useless at communication - yet I've been with him for thirty years.

This has only been six months and I do think if the OP is feeling like this now, she should probably end it because when the rot sets in there is often no going back. However, a talk with him wouldn't hurt - who dares wins

The bottom line is if you are feeling such angst so early on in a relationship then it's not the right one.

Hope you're OK OP

Maybe jess, now is the time, yes. It does sound to me like you have emotionally moved on from him and the phonecall thing was the straw that broke the camels back. I only wanted to post about the flipside, that's all.

Well, communication obviously doesn't matter that much to you if you have been with a DH for 30 years who is 'useless' at it, Roussette.

IT IS IMPORTANT to the Op though as she keeps saying.

I think people posting the flipside is really important, because I need to hear both. Even if we do split up it does me no good to be simmering in indignation and anger to someone who's been good to me.

It has been 11 days now though

I honestly think he thinks we're not in a serious relationship and I think I probably hot myself in the foot there.

He has other good points iamthenewgirl that more than make up for his 'useless' communication skills - and those good points are the building blocks that we've based a long marriage on. It's something I've accepted and it's worked for me but we're not all the same and I appreciate that.

If phonecalls are the be all and end all for jess, or if the lack of phonecalls signify something else not right in the relationship, yes she should finish it.

jess if you can come out of this relatively unscathed with no huge resentment and sleepless nights, that would be good. I do hope you're OK.

Has anyone read the book 'Attached'?

It's very good. It basically says there are three 'types' of people in terms of overall attachment style - secure, anxious and avoidant.

It could be that people who are very comfortable with less communication are very securely attached and don't need as much reinforcement or reassuring behaviour that they are valued or loved (expressed through communication).

People who are anxiously attached need more feedback. People who are avoidant fear attachment and tend to push people away.

The book is at great pains to show that neither style is wrong of right, it's just that we are the way we A&E due to our pasts / life experiences and so on.

So while a secure person might be able to overcome an avoidant person's avoidant attachment style, and anxious-avoidant union is clearly going to encounter huge difficulties.

An anxious person can be made less anxious with someone who is really secure and meets their needs.

I think in this instance the City boy might be nice / fun / decent, but if he's not meeting her needs, she'll stay unsatisfied. As the posters say, if she meets someone who makes her feel secure, it will all fall in to place.

(I read the book as I suspect know I'm an anxious type. Don't have a very communicative father, not to psychoanalyse too much !)

Thanks Rousette, I do feel relatively unscathed and let me explain why your posts (and Italians) have really helped me.

It's pretty clear to me now that he's pulled away. I just came out of an absolutely soul destroying relationship 18 months ago where I was dropped like a hot potato and treated like shit by someone who said they loved me and I have to admit when he did not call me or make me a priority it felt in some small way like re-living that and it triggered me.

Your posts have reminded me this man is not a bastard, or a complete user, or someone who had duped me into feeling things for him then dropped me when I got boring.

I can see it's more likely that I have largely contributed to him keeping me at arms length with my own behavior, and it's helped me to see that we are just pretty bad at communicating with each other.

That makes me feel a lot more zen about it and has stopped me from crying and losing sleep - so thank you

I do feel okay about it. He was a good guy, he did like me, between us we sort of screwed it up. Maybe bad timing, maybe bad compatibility but it doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. this thread has really made me feel calm.

I have to agree that he's pulling away OP. If a bf stonewalled me in the same way I would assume it was a prelude to splitting up.

He may be trying to get you to end it so that the doesn't have to.

If someone doesn't 'get' you then they're not partner material and he may be feeling the same thing.

Yes, I think he does want me to end it.

Wait until neither of you has contacted the other for a couple of years and then text him and say "Sorry but this really isn't working for me".

I know it's not original but it always tickles me :)

Onwards and upwards. I don't think you've been unreasonable at all. The time just wasn't right. Nor was the man. I think you sound great. You'll be fine.

Jess I think you are absolutely right and I'm glad this thread has brought some clarity for you. FWIW I don't think he is a complete player, a bastard, or whatever. You just have different needs and you certainly don't have anything wrong with you. You are thinking rationally about what this man can (or cannot) offer you, and that is good.

I think noveltyslippers post about the book explains it well.

Yes thanks Novelty slippers. We do have very diferrent attachment styles. Sometimes I suppose you just need someone who can give you the things that make you feel good without it being a monumental effort.

Exactly, jessmay!

Aw, bless you Sorry this has happened, but you are definitely doing the right thing.

Just caught up with your thread, Jess I could have been you a few years ago. I totally get where you're coming from, have been there myself.

One thing you wrote a while back struck a chord:

I just feel like regardless of how great things are when we are together, he is making me feel bad when we're not and not making me feel like I am a priority for him.

That says everything you need to know. I'm pretty sure I wrote something very similar in my diary once about a fling, needless to say it didn't work out.

And then I met my DP. And all those insecurities, wondering when he would call, wondering how he felt, whether he liked me, whether he wanted to see me DISAPPEARED because when you're with someone who is into you, he won't leave you wondering and feeling shit.

Read 'He's just not that into you'. It's an eye opener. And then don't waste an other moment of your precious life pining over this guy. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he's clearly not the one for you. Chalk it down to experience and move on.

I met DP pretty quickly after the disastrous fling, on OD, and have genuinely been completely happy and fulfilled ever since.

Good luck, don't engage in drama with this guy. Just be frank and adult with him - just explain that it's not really working out, he doesn't make you feel special, thanks for the memories and all and walk away.

Happy New Year

Hi jess I have read not all, but a lot of the posts. To not speak for 9 days, especially over the Christmas period is very odd indeed, I would be very upset. However, you could have called him so I suspect you were waiting for him to 'prove' he misses you etc.. Now, I'm not saying you're wrong (I'd do exactly the same tbh) so maybe it's insecurity on your part?

I personally find text messaging an absolute pain in the ass. Easily misconstrued and misinterpreted, especially in a relationship (I've had awful problems in this area) I think a phone call is nicer, more personal and, when you are in love (or like an awful lot) hearing their voice makes you melt inside.

I don't know if it's all over yet, but I would say, if it's meant to be then it will, but don't continue to break your heart over it. Life is way too short. I don't think you're needy at all OP..fairly normal if I'm honest.

Good luck OP and a Happy New Year

Yes, exactly, jess & Novelty :)

I want to reiterate that NO-ONE on this thread has painted Jess's bf/ex as a bad man. He sounds, to all intents and purposes, nice enough and kind in some ways.

This doesn't alter the fact that he also sounds mildly dysfunctional, relationship-wise. Whether this matters, or how much it matters, is an individual thing and it matters to Jess. She wants a long-term, marriageable, relationship with a nice man who's open to her feelings and willing to accommodate her emotional needs. Those are fundamental requirements for practically everyone. This chap, in this relationship, doesn't meet them. He's had the chance to fix things for his girlfriend, and chooses not to. Hence she ended up feeling 'needy'; like she's a low priority in his life.

Relationships that make you feel insecure like that aren't good for you no matter what other people think they would feel. If you've asked for a reasonable change that will help you feel closer to a person, and they responded by insulting you, then this person doesn't care enough about your feelings within the relationship. If you keep banging on about it and keep getting the same response, then you're being disrespectful to the other person and injuring your own self-worth.

Jess, it feels as though this has been a worthwhile transitional relationship for you! He's "not as bad" as your ex - proof that nice guys do exist in your orbit - and the relationship has afforded you the opportunity to value yourself and your feelings enough to express them in a healthy manner. You've learned something about what you need (all of which sounds reasonable, btw,) and what's not good enough for you. And you've had good times.

Quite a good Christmas present, really

Both as bad as each other with communicating! He won't ring you but you won't ring him/text/ whatever to him there is a problem!

Perhaps younger not well suited! But rounding know because you can't/won't talk to him or
Give him the chance to explain!

If you love him that much surely you owe to to him and yourself to get an explanation then make the choice ?