Is he "just not that into me".

[jessmay]

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

Jess, you say you treated him badly and it is possible that over time this could have affected his feelings towards you. To be fair, if someone did to me the things you said you did to him, I believe I would have started withdrawing myself.

I am really sorry you are feeling down about this. I suggest you stick to your decision and move on.

Sheldon Cooper ...

Gallic it stupifies me too.
a. the OP TOLD him at the start she may not be ready and he knew that.
b She also TOLD him how she feels about him texting and not calling.

Helen of course he should want to do what she will want but sometimes there is room for compromise, IMHO.

Jess when you say Like I just got a few random texts and then he's gone to sleep. Honestly, I think maybe he went off me as soon as I started to like him back! He used to text a lot more and always said goodnight. This is definitely a 'thing' that can happen. A guys at college chased my friend but once he got her he did not want her any more. But they ended up dating for years and I think it was all the passion at the start and then not so much. Is that the case here? If so, why did he wants to spend the holidays with you?

Of course Sanity it is two way. But I do think all of us end up thinking if we have said it others will have understood what we said, but what if they didn't really understand it.

GallicShrug was that to me? If so, I am not asking OP to ignore her needs. I am just putting the 'other' side, if I can.

Ha ha, no, but maybe I'm dating George from Rainbow.

I admit I pushed him away and he says he has held back for that reason. The point I suppose is where you go from there. I do think maybe he gave up on me just at the point I was ready. But alas, such things happen.

I suppose I do find him both adorable and infuriating in equal measure and maybe that's not a good thing either!

Still baffled at how someone not phoning me went on for 13 pages. Sorry everyone! Clearly am a bit needy!

I hate phone calls when the other person just wants to chat - ie talk about nothing specific. I find that calls like this can go on for a very long time, even though I try to minimise my own input (to get it over with). I know that a lot of people enjoy calls like this, but I just don't. I get the feeling that the OP likes this kind of call, but her boyfriend is like me, and doesn't.

I know this is a long thread and all, grey, but jess posted this exactly 24 hours ago:

If I raise that him not calling makes me feel bad or like he doesn't care, it pisses him off.

1. I am selfish because I am not considering how busy he is.

1. I am reminded he spends every day with me that he possibly can and how little sleep or free time he has.

1. I am told that he would not have spent so much time helping me, mopping up my tears, patiently waiting for me if he hadn't cared and that this showed he wnated to be there for better or worse.

1. I am making him out to be a bad boy when all he is guilty of is being a crap communicator.

I have had this argument / discussion twice before with him and it always ends with him stating these four points (all of which are true in a sense) but he doesn't change the behavior that caused the argument.

.......... (my bold) ..........

He gets cross with her for having a (perfectly normal) need, puts her down for it and refuses to co-operate.

This is not a matter of miscommunication. I'm assuming you hadn't read the whole thread - because, if you have seen the previous pages, then you are telling Jess to ignore her own needs and suck it up - insults and all.

I find this whole excuse that men don't understand a bit pathetic really if a man goes to work and their boss says xxx I am not happy with your xxxx you need to do xxxx better does the man then just ignore what the boss says - hell no! They listen, understand and change.

Gf says to man - I am upset because I feel you do not make an effort to call a bit more. Man's response - no change and then falls back on the excuse that gf not being clear enough or insert whatever excuse you want.

Starting to wonder if all the ones who are good with women are happily married by my age?

Last few posts by Gallic and Sunshine nail it.

And just to repeat what i said earlier when i worked for a sex chatline men had no trouble with phoning and chatting.

And like i said before the payback he wants for "being there for her" is for her to shut up and know her place.

Garlic I have read much of the thread and tried to read all jess's comments. I am not telling her to suck it up, indeed I am not telling her what to do at all.

Jess needs to do what is right for her. Whoever is pissed off, whoever feels someone else is selfish or whoever feels whatever in a relationship has to work it out themselves. It may well not be right for her to be in a relationship with this man. But she has also said a lot of things about him which she likes.

I am off to bed now. I have no desire for Jess to stay in a relationship she is unhappy in. I feel lots of people have branded this man as a very bad one when actually he sounds quite confused.

The fact she has talked about this twice! My goodness I have told my husband the things that annoy me about him a lot, but the things I like about him outweigh the things that annoy me and that is the key thing, and it cuts both ways.

We are very happy and have been for almost 14 years of married life. I would not want anyone to stay in a relationship that did not ultimately make them happy.

Helen the fact that some men want to talk on a sex chat line is not really a reason to assume all men want to!

My husband hates the fact I stay up late and spend time watching TV and on the internet! Oh look it is 2.10 a.m. and 'Shooter' has just finished. I am off to bed now. No matter how many times my hubby says he wishes I came to bed earlier, and no matter how many times I say yes, I understand, I still stay up late. I make my own choices!

Just for the record I have no interest in influencing Jess either way and wish her all the best.

Jess I do not think all the good ones are married. I am sure you will find a nice one sometime and I wish you all the very best.

I'm going to leave the thread as I just seem to be pissing people off a bit! Jess feel free to pm me if you wish to. All the best.

Italian i was merely pointing out that many men dont mind talking on the phone when there is something in it for them.

I really dont know how you can compare your h wishing you would come to bed a bit earlier with the OPS partner (though i dont see how he can be elevated to that status) not wanting to hold a decent conversation with her rather than texting.

Helen I am just giving another perspective, that is all. Just as you are.

My dh hates talking on the phone and is crap on the phone, frankly. But other things in our relationship compensate for his lack of phone skills.

I have no interest in encouraging Jess to stay but I felt the discussion here had become quite one-sided and was really a bit shocked at how quickly his failures meant he must either have an agenda or something.

Being pissed off at someone is not in itself a crime. It is how a pissed off person acts. Do they shout and abuse and rant or manipulate and control etc? If so, it is all wrong, wrong, wrong. But just being pissed off about another perosn's requests or behaviour in a relationship is not in itself wrong IMHO.

I think the OP will be set up to fail if any relationship must meet all her needs and present no problems. She listed many things she liked about him but this one 'call' thing seemed to take over.

If I were in the OP's shoes I think had felt so concerned about that call I would have called him. If he didn't want to talk etc then I would have needed to talk to him about it and maybe it would end but he seems oblivious. Which suggests despite her telling him twice how she feels that actually he doesn't realise just how much of a deal this is or he does realise and is playing some kind of mind game. I have no idea which.

Anyway, must go now. I have said again and again I don't want to encourage Jess to stay but if she leaves the relationship she needs to think it through for herself and why she left. A lot of the comments suggest she is still very hurt by what happened in the past. So I wish Jess all the best for a better future.

The thing is, she's six months into a relationship and it's not working. IT'S NOT WORKING!

When I split up with similar ex-boyfriend dickhead I went out with several really nice blokes. I too cried on several shoulders, messed them about, told them I wasn't ready, needed space, didn't feel right, etc, etc. I thought I would never meet the right one then DH showed up and everything clicked into place. It sounds like a fairytale and it was and still is. All my doubts and insecurities melted away.

Please stop advising her to waste time on something that obviously isn't working. There is someone better out there for her.

If you feel that something isn't right then it isn't. I don't think you're too needy. I've been there and ended an internet fling after 4 months because I felt low priority. It's hard because you're falling for him but try to enjoy what you have but bear in mind that this might not last.

Also, I agree with 'iamthenewgirl'. When you meet someone who's right, you ditch the hours of analysis, endless horoscope reading and online snooping and just enjoy it.

It's not working. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

There is nothing wrong, or needy, about be prepared to walk away from a relationship that doesn't feel right.

I'm inclined to agree with italiangreyhound for all sorts of reasons. I know I will get shouted down but I do think jess should wait and talk to him. Men get easily confused, and despite her telling him how much phone calls mean, he is probably translating 'phone calls' into 'communication' and is thinking he is communicating.

Jess you saying this... Not just the lack of phonecalls but also him not talking much about what's going on in his life. I do feel like he keeps me at arms length but he wants to hear every details of my life and my day. I have a few divorced now dating friends and they talk of men they meet who bang on about themselves all the time with no interest in their lives and I think, to me, your guy is trying to find out as much as he can about you because he is smitten and it's better that way than someone who is full of themselves and disinterested in you. He sends pics of himself showing what he is doing, and vids of him miming along to love songs, he does involve you in his life.

You talked upthread about all the things he had done for you, it was a huge long list - supporting you when you were down, getting your mum's address to send your presents, wanting to spend NYE with you. I just think he isn't as bad as everyone is making out on this thread. I would love to read a thread from him because he will be very confused. You are hanging absolutely everything on him ringing you. Well... I wouldn't have lasted 28 years of marriage if I had done that because my DH is absolutely bloody useless on the phone, I knew it and accepted it from day one. However, he makes up for it in other ways and I know deep down that he adored me so sod the phone calls, it is not important. Thirty years later, nothing has changed, he is absolutely infuriating with communication but there is plenty that makes up for that. You have said that your guy likes texting, he likes video messages, he likes face to face. Roll back 30 years and that is me without the texting and videos (way before mobile phones). I just knew his character, his values, his inner core was good so I accepted the useless bits and my god, I am glad I did.

What I'm trying to say is - you need to look at the bigger picture. I wouldn't for one minute try and talk you into staying with him, because I am just wondering if you are as keen on him as he is on you. (yes yes, he is keen, if a bit useless, just like my DH was all those years ago). Love comes in many forms - we can't mould men into what we want them to be. Some are just a bit useless and get confused easily - I just think you should give your guy a chance and just talk to him.

"Men get easily confused"

Err. No they don't.

Ten days apart over Xmas/new year in a fresh new relationship and all you get is two minute phone call and a few texts about the films he's been watching? (Meanwhile he's on facebook...)
I don't think he could make it much clearer that you are not a priority. Sorry op.

I'm with Roussette. It sounds to me like he is into you but the pair of you have differrent interpretations of what this should look like. If I were OP I would want to ask why he didn't ring rather than just picking up things from his online activities. At the moment OP seems to be assuming something that may not be true.

But as Rousette implied, if you're not prepared to sit down and have an honest discussion where you get his side of the story then maybe you're not that into him.

Are you going to call him and end things OP?

Doesn't sound like he'll get the message otherwise!

I just think you've sent him to trial, you've sentenced him - all without him knowing. Why not talk to him? Why not ask him why he didn't ring you? Why not hear it from him that he doesn't like the phone and maybe if it's a dealbreaker for you and you aren't as keen on him as you thought because this is non negotiable, you can finish it.

I just find it odd that you've decided all this without even telling him something is wrong. Ignoring his texts is not explaining how you feel face to face. You have to ask yourself - is he worth that conversation.

Even if everything felt amazing, it does seem as though he works extremely long hours and prioritises that, expecting everyone else to fit around him, eg you accompanying him to visit family for the very short time he has off work. This would be a huge issue for many, especially those who want DC and a partner to share domestic work, childcare and spend time together.

It does sound as though you played some games too, crying over someone else (why do that to your new man, rather than a friend?), testing his affections and so on.

Might be best to move on, but a conversation is needed, he doesn't sound like some of the out and out dicks on here who fully deserve simply being blocked!

I agree about the crying over your ex. Imagine if you were on here posting about your BF sobbing to you about his ex. He'd get a right roasting. He sounds a star helping you through your grief and I think he should be given a chance. No one's perfect and perhaps you just aren't ready for a relationship. and anyone who leaves love notes for his girlfriend can't be all bad in my book