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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he "just not that into me".

575 replies

jessmay · 01/01/2015 18:41

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

OP posts:
BlueBrightBlue · 02/01/2015 22:20

He sounds like bloody hard work ( or possibly gay, have you considered that?)There are millions of decent single blokes out here; ditch the online dating and start by believing in yourself.
I once had a monumental crush on someone and I can honestly say I could have had my pick of fellas as I was so "sexed up".

dirtybadger · 02/01/2015 22:24

Gay? Huh? Is that a joke?

HelenaDove · 02/01/2015 22:25

I dont think hes gay just very fucking entitled.

BlueBrightBlue · 02/01/2015 22:27

You never can tell, but I've been dated by gay men on no less than three occasions ( perhaps it's my Adam's apple )

jessmay · 02/01/2015 22:37

Love that video :) I love her quotes she's a wise lady.

He's not gay :)

He's completely oblivious. Still texting away like nothing happened...!

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BlueBrightBlue · 02/01/2015 22:53

Block his number. I'm sorry but I sense there is nothing to redeem, no second chances.
Either he thinks he's cock of the hill or is completely thick.
He doesn't live in the real world; forget this Venus and Mars thing; his planet belongs to another galaxy altogether.
Block him now, it will make the transition a lot easier if you are ever tempted to contact him; delete all history.
He is not just a tad socially inept, he has deeper issues which are not your problem.
Are you dating Sheldon?

SnotandBothered · 02/01/2015 22:55

I am just gobsmacked that he STILL hasn't called. Despite the fact that your last 'nevermind' was so glaringly coolspeak for YOU STUPID FUCK YOU NEVER CALLED AND NOW YOU'RE TEXTING! REALLY? REALLY???

And he is still texting? Confused

HelenaDove · 02/01/2015 23:00

YEP Entitled entitled entitled.

And going by what a pp said about blokes on dating sites being TOLD that someone prefers calls to texting and STILL try this on there is a lot of it about.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2015 23:07

Jessmay I'm going to the one who is not in agreement with the majority here, but then I am assuming you would like a variety of views. I have no desire to upset you.

I do think he is into you but I thin he does not realise how important this area of phone calls is to you, and I think he may be very unsure how you feel about him, which could make him hold back.

When you say he gets angry if you mean aggressive, violent etc I would say run a mile.

If he is controlling, I would say run a mile.

If not, he doesn't sound horrible to me. He just sounds like someone who doesn't realise how important it is for you to talk on the phone. Yes, I know you have told him.

If he doesn't like talking on the phone I would discuss it and then choose if you can cope with the way he is. If you can't so be it.

Liewise, if he works too hard or too many long hours I would see if this can be addressed.

I would not waste a lot of time on a relationship you are not sure about. But I would at least talk to him and get his perspecvtive.

I just feel you are in a state of upset when to call him would have been the logical thing to do IMVHO.

My husband hates phone calls and was quite hard work in the conversation stakes when we first dated! He took along time to ask me to marry him and we split up a ocuple of times on the road to marriage. I think he was pretty confused about how I felt about him, but eventually we had a kind of counselling session and I was able to tell him how I really felt and he asked me to marry him. I don't think guys always understand exactly what pisses some women off. I am not talking about agressive or controlling me, I am talking about regular me,n.

My dh has turned into the most lovely and kind, consdierate and hard working husband. But I did need to accept him as he is, and he me. It works both ways.

It sounds like you were not ready for a relationship and he bowled you over. You are falling for him but you need certain things, if those are things you cannot compromise on, then so be it.

I also think most of us may well not get a relationship where everything is how we like it, that's life, we are all different. I am an extrovert who married an introvert, but I love him and he has brought out the best in me. Settling for some things not being perfect is not weakness IMVHO. But being treated badly is terrible. Only you know what is right for you.

When you say My mind is made up and I have been thinking this since we started really and it's not gotten better. Not just the lack of phonecalls but also him not talking much about what's going on in his life. I do feel like he keeps me at arms length but he wants to hear every details of my life and my day.

This can be true for some people, but then lets look at the facts here, you have not been dating very long and for the first half of that time you were not that keen on him. You did not want to be with him for these holidays and you have not told you family much about him. Have you shared all that with him?

The fact you have discussed marriage and children is significant to me, as is the fact he wanted to be with you for some of this holiday but you did not.

There have been lots of negtaive critisms of this man, and it is clear from his texts he doesn't realise what deep shit he is in!

It just seems there is a lot of advice here and you are speaking to all of us but not him!

And ultimately all our stories here are of our relationships, only you know what is right for you.

I have tried to read all the thread, at least all your comments, so I felt I needed to comment.

Whatever you do, I wish you all the very best. Smile

BlueBrightBlue · 02/01/2015 23:07

It appears some men do get something out of this texting only shite.
Had one text me for 2 months and he "dumped " me despite of my many requests to meet up or have an actual real life conversation.
He did however make a lovely job of fixing my car after it was shunted.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2015 23:11

Sorry I did not realise so many typo in that!

BlueBrightBlue · 02/01/2015 23:13

There is something "big" he's not willing to share with you OP; is it sexuality, marital status , criminal history, mental health.? Who bloody knows.
You said yourself something ain't right.
He's not flakey, he has other agendas.

Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2015 23:14

Jessmay I have pmed you. Hope my message has not upset you at all. I really am on your side. Wink

jessmay · 02/01/2015 23:23

Yep, still texting, still not called. Probably gone to bed now. Dick!!!

Thanks Italian Grey. I'd say your post is very fair and is probably what he would say. I'm glad you posted it. It helps me remember a lot of this might be down to me.

I admittedly have pushed him away endlessly, have rejected him many times and have done certain things which have hurt him. Hands up when I admit I didn't want to introduce him to friends and family and have acted like we weren't a couple. He has sat for hours and listened to me cry over someone else and he's said openly that he's felt second best a lot of times. I've cancelled dates and messed him around and blown hot and cold. This is all true, and all fair and he's not a bad person and he has tried his best to persevere. He always just kept telling me that he loved me at my worst and looked forward to seeing what my best was like.

this all makes me sound awful, but from the day we met I told him I wasn't ready and was a mess. The thing is though, I am ready now and have told him.

He did bowl me over. He did win me over and now I wanted to give him my time, my full attention and my commitment. I just feel like it's not being reciprocated.

Maybe I am selfish for expecting him to suddenly step things up because I am now ready.

I do want to separate the Mills and Boon from the facts which are that I am now looking at compatibility and things like that and I just can't talk to this man. I feel like we are great when things are good but we are awful at bickering. I feel like he doesn't hear what I am saying. He infuriates me. He doesn't explain anything. He doesn't do some of the things I need and he doesn't listen properly if I try and explain. I feel like I don't get how his mind works. I can't get that intimate with him because it's just chalk and cheese.

I do think though despite the rocky start, that me asking to speak to him should not be something I need to make an appointment for, or something he doesn't have time for.

OP posts:
jessmay · 02/01/2015 23:27

Thanks grey! Not offended at all! I know there are two sides to this and a from my last post I hold my hands up and admit it's been far from easy for him to live with my issues the last 6 months. He's had the patience of a saint and as an adult I do want to try and understand both sides.

I do think though that it's not meant to be this difficult to communicate over something simple with your boyfriend! I don't want to be working hard to "make it work" from the honeymoon period!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/01/2015 23:32

NO Jess you do not sound awful. You said this all makes me sound awful, but from the day we met I told him I wasn't ready and was a mess. The thing is though, I am ready now and have told him. and you do not sound awful at all. You have been hurt and you need time to heal. Maybe he will not be the one who is your happy ever after. But if not, make sure it is for the right reasons, reasons you both understand. If that is right for you.

All the best.

jessmay · 02/01/2015 23:37

I just thought with Mr Right it would be easier and I'd feel more happy than sad and I guess I'm not feeling that way.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 02/01/2015 23:56

But shes TOLD him What else is she supposed to do Hire a plane and sky write it.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2015 00:31

Helen she told him so he has to do it? Is that how it works? That doesn't seem fair and maybe if the situation was reversed and a man said but I TOLD her that was what I wanted, would we all think OK fair enough?

Jess it is clear the relationship is not making you happy. Maybe another would or maybe you need some time alone to heal. I just know from experience that telling people things doesn't always make them understand. You need to tell them so they hear and listen and understand, not tell them so you hear yourself telling them.

I am not talking about putting up with abuse, violence or aggression etc. All that stuff is 100% wrong. I am talking about communication.

Maybe he is controlling, maybe he knows this means so much to you and is playing a game. Who knows. I certainly do not. But my guess is he has no idea how upset Jess is. And 12 ages of mumsnet he still has no idea.

But Jess I am not saying stay with him, I am saying do what is right for you.

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2015 00:33

12 pages of munmset, on this thread, I mean.

HelenaDove · 03/01/2015 00:34

Italian no of course he doesnt have to do it. If he really likes the op he should WANT to do it. .....if he really likes her he should want to.

If he doesnt want to then its game over.

jessmay · 03/01/2015 00:37

Yeah Grey, honestly, I am unhappy. It's making me feel like shit.

Like I just got a few random texts and then he's gone to sleep. Honestly, I think maybe he went off me as soon as I started to like him back! He used to text a lot more and always said goodnight.

Maybe I won't need to end it, maybe it's mutual.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 03/01/2015 00:42

I just know from experience that telling people things doesn't always make them understand. You need to tell them so they hear and listen and understand, not tell them so you hear yourself telling them.

Communication is a two way process. One person talks and the other listens. The talker can't be held responsible if the listener doesn't do their bit.

GallicShrug · 03/01/2015 00:52

Are you dating Sheldon? Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

And thanks for Ms Angelou, BBB, that was fantastic.

Jess, I simply cannot believe that people are still, essentially, telling you you should ignore your own wants & needs and override your unease because you landed a relatively nice guy with money. That's not how to honour yourself and achieve what you deserve. You know it. You rock :)

jessmay · 03/01/2015 01:02

Who's Sheldon???!!!!

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