When I was 28, my partner of 5 years ended our relationship. We were living together and I was quite devastated at time.
I have a fairly dysfunctional background and my boyfriend for years had played on my vulnerabilities by behaving throughout our relationship as if it were a privilege to speak to him either in person or on the phone. He stonewalled, ignored, gaslighted, rejected my opinion, belittled and everything was about him, his family, his day, his weekends jollies, his mates, his career, his house, his money, his sexual needs, his choice of dinner. I was buying his porn at one stage and hated it but just 'knew my place'.
I was so unhappy by the end I could have screamed but tied into a house and my life with him. I didn't really see a way out. He even persuaded me to change jobs to suit his needs and move across the country to where he was after telling me if I didn't move, it was over.
So after 5 years of putting him first in everything and 2 years of living together, he asked me to leave. He gave me a month's notice. So I quit my teaching job and went back to the area I grew up in to have some time out.
I ended up in a cold, crummy rented basement flat with no furniture, just a camp bed, no tv, alone, very little money and drinking myself into oblivion really. I had no friends as we socialised as a couple with his friends.
One evening, a song by Dido came on the radio called 'Life for Rent' and I realised just how much I had been the victim of my background, my poor choice of abusive men and my own need to please men and try to be happy by pleasing them. I had been a complete fool!
That song changed my life! I played it over and over and over and decided to change myself,focus and reappraise my approach to men. I got a promotional job in London, became independent of relying on others to make my happiness and became much stronger in my attitude to what I wanted from life. I wanted a good man, a decent husband and a man who would treat me with respect. I wouldn't have to try to force him to communicate, to dress only to please him etc. He would love for the nightmare old broken bag I really was.
Well, here I am 15 years later. Married to a wonderful man who loves me for who I am. I have 3 children and just bought a lovely 4 bed house in a nice area of Kent.
My ex is still unmarried, no kids still living alone in the same house, girlfriends come and go and although he has a good career in teaching he is a miserable, cold unhappy man.
What I'm trying to say to you OP is please, please leave him! Don't let your life be for rent by a man who doesn't love you. Be confident that you want better- you deserve a happy life, not searching for the crumbs he leaves for you on the floor.
It's obvious he just can't be bothered with you and you are allowing him to dictate the terms of the relationship. You deserve nothing more than you get if you don't learn to buy my dear! Invest in YOU! Think about what you really want. You are 35, trust in yourself and your instincts. He's playing with you and possibly having another relationship elsewhere.
I have an acquaintance who has been with her parter for 12 years (same as me and my DH). At 31, she hangs on his every word, does as he tells her and allows him to control her life to the extent he won't let her have a cat or dog after all this time. Just like my old life! He keeps her in a box so to speak while cheating on her numerous times over the years because really. He has never truly loved her and wants out but can't face the change and challenge of starting again. Don't end up like her!
You can't change him but you can change yourself. The right man will come to you once you are free. He is enjoying the power trip keeping you exactly where he wants you. Do nothing and your situation wont change. At 40, you'll be wondering where the hell your life went. Think it over. :)
Sorry- very long post!
LTB!!! Wishing you the best of luck 