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Relationships

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DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

473 replies

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:16

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 31/12/2014 15:20

MrsT I think if they said, "Sorry, you're right, I shouldn't use that word like that" I would move on. I work with young people and some do use "gay" or "white" or "girl" in that way and quite often. I pick them up on it every time, but don't then refuse to support or give guidance if they apologise.

SquirmOfEels · 31/12/2014 15:26

I think OP doggedly sticking to using a derogatory word some 170+ posts in, even after many posters have said they find it unacceptably sexist, reflects on the way she communicates. And that's a clear reminder that there are two sides to every story, and how she describes her DH might reflect inflexibility on her part as much as incompetence on his.

That said, unless this is a brief NY blip, I read it as a description of an unloving and unsatisfying relationship well beyond its use-by date (IYSWIM) and which is characterised by a total absence of mutual respect.

OP: is that what you want in your future? Becuase right now there seems to be no prospect of you two working together to improve things. And without that, persistence gets you nowhere.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 15:30

Perhaps one of the word meisters could give a list of more suitable terms people are permitted to use? None have quite described himso far, flaky being closest, but not quite capturing the essence of wounded, affronted patheticness.

How about wounded? Or maybe affronted? Perhaps pathetic would sum it up?

I don't think lack of words is your problem OP.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 15:36

Squirm yes, I think you've summed up my unease. I would be very interested to hear the husband's side of things, or to see this relationship.

SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 15:51

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usefully · 31/12/2014 16:01

He sounds like a loser.

As an aside, I think of being disorganised as rather a masculine, rather than feminine trait.

Maybe it's because I'm super organised Smile

FloraFox · 31/12/2014 16:11

It's hard to believe people are defending the use of the word girly to describe a collection of negative personality traits.

What if the OP said "my husband is so Jewish, he is tight with money and argumentative all the time".

What about "my DH is so Greek, he is lazy and dodges paying his taxes"

Etc etc

Adding "I need help deciding what should I do about these things I dislike" does not make it okay to be so offensive.

flyingbunnies · 31/12/2014 16:17

Yes, the whole 'girly' thing has me stuck, and I really can't get beyond it to say anything very helpful. On the contrary, most women are, in fact, very organised because it falls to us, more often than not, to multi-task!

OK. I don't know why you chose him, OP. Has he always been like this? The only thing that occurs to me is that he is, in fact, relying on you because he knows you will pick up the slack. I have found that if I don't correct my husband or criticise him, he is more likely to do things by himself. If he asks me silly questions that he can deal with himself, I just tell him 'I don't know'. He is pretty good, anyway, but there is no way I am acting like his mum.

ArsenicStew · 31/12/2014 16:24

Yes, the whole 'girly' thing has me stuck, and I really can't get beyond it to say anything very helpful.

Quite.

Not to mention the repetitive disablist bollocks suggesting SpLD diagnoses are just "used as excuses".

I really can't believe this is being allowed to stand while HQ hand out warnings for 'tone' to those who criticized the OP.

whatisforteamum · 31/12/2014 16:29

op he sounds like hard work and imagine if you had children together!! Mine can be disorganised and doesnt think ahead so wings it on the day and is often late for things,docs dentist which irritates me and i work with some people who come in late i have no idea how an adult cant allow time to get from A to B !! The sulking is because he knows he has messed up and cant take responsibility for it

YonicSleighdriver · 31/12/2014 16:32

Flora, I don't think anyone is defending it. Some are saying they want to help OP in spite of her language, and that's as far as anyone's gone, I think.

ArsenicStew · 31/12/2014 16:35

It has been vigorously defended Yonic, confusingly enough.

CharlieSierra · 31/12/2014 16:40

I really can't believe this is being allowed to stand while HQ hand out warnings for 'tone' to those who criticized the OP

Quite, with knobs on!

FloraFox · 31/12/2014 16:46

Yonic several posts have said it is an appropriate word to encapsulate those negative traits described by the OP.

YonicSleighdriver · 31/12/2014 16:47

Really? Huh, missed those on my phone! Sorry.

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 17:37

Trying to stay polite - no doubt this in itself will be termed offensive by some. This thread really has become bizarre, but thanks to the posters who have offered sensible advice.

LuckyCharms see, he's not really like that. He isn't clumsy, he can park extremely well, its more like he can't be bothered doing things properly. And he is extremely slow at doing things. But he does flap. Theres an affected silliness about him at times; its inappropriate and other people have commented on it. And he's going more and more frequently into that "character". He would actually make Frank Spencer look sensible, because at least he made attempts to cope, rather than just avoiding all responsibility. But I am actually worried if he has some degenerative condition, as several family members have suffered from degenerative neuorological diseases.

I also think I've become hyper-critical. I don't remember him being as bad as this in the first few years of our relationship, but there were a couple of incidents with his parents where they sort of tried to gang up on me when he had lost his keys or had his wallet stolen again and they expected me to drop everything, take time off work and so on to sort him out, and I told them I wasn't going to keep running around after him. And he didn't stick up for me. I think that's when my tolerance levels for it got very low.

I've probably had to adopt the role of the man more than I am comfortable with in the relationship, meaning that I have to do the work of two people at times, and that's probably affected how I see things.

You can probably see on here I am really intolerant at dealing with abuse and have little truck with being "told" to watch videos telling me how to think in a certain way (do you find people obey you very often?) It is very ironic that some posters have chosen to obsess over one particular word and use it as an excuse for being very abusive.

I didn't use "girly" as a term of abuse or insult, I used it to describe him the way I think he acts. And I use the word "acts" deliberately. I used it as the adjective for the noun "girl". He is not really effeminate, as I would equate that more as being like a woman, and he acts more like a teenager at times. It is a bit like the silly phase I went through when I was a 14 year old girl, it seems girly to me. An acting in an exaggeratedly attention seeking manner to draw attention to frailty and inability to do things for yourself. Its so out of keeping for an adult male that I want to make the contrast more drastic. And he isn't boyish. So again, I invite you to find a better word. Preferably one that doesn't involve abusing me, if you can manage that. And if an advert for soap is all it takes to brainwash you into thinking a certain word is offensive, then theres no help for you.

OP posts:
JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 17:40

Arsenic Not to mention the repetitive disablist bollocks suggesting SpLD diagnoses are just "used as excuses".

I most certainly wrote nothing of the sort. I merely pointed out what my GP said, which was that there was quite a lot of good to be gained from a child of school age getting a diagnosis, but little if a high functioning man. And that my DH was the type to use excuses for bad behaviour.

I think it might possibly be something more than ASD or dyspraxia because of a neurological condition that has affected a few members of his family.

Please don't attribute such offensive views to me, because I certainly don't share them.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 17:45

Oh you have plenty of offensive attitudes Jessie. In fact the guff about dx was something you propounded more than once.

Care to expand on;

I've probably had to adopt the role of the man more than I am comfortable with in the relationship, meaning that I have to do the work of two people at times,

And;

it seems girly to me. An acting in an exaggeratedly attention seeking manner to draw attention to frailty and inability to do things for yourself.

???

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 17:46

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Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 17:48

I've probably had to adopt the role of the man more than I am comfortable with in the relationship

OP what is your problem with all the 'male' roles and 'female' roles? You make life way more complicated that it has to be by doing this.

No-one can understand what you're on about. How, exactly, have you had to adopt the role of a man? Do you scratch your genitals in public or something Confused

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 17:49

You know, I am really not in the mood for this. I have had a shitty weekend, I had an awful journey back last night when I was misdirected an hour out of my way on an already long drive.

What would you suggest Arsenic? Should I be sent to correction school or something?

FolkGirl Squirm yes, I think you've summed up my unease. I would be very interested to hear the husband's side of things, or to see this relationship.

Perhaps you would like to join your co-conspirator and set up a school for correction? Or maybe you would like to come along and meddle in my marriage? Alternatively, if you have anything useful to say, or god forbid, empathetic, don't let my fact that you see me as being on a par with a mass murdering psychopath hold you back.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 31/12/2014 17:49

it seems girly to me But. You. Are. Wrong.

OP all you have to say is, "You know what? I never really thought about how it's wrong to attach negative characteristics to being female. Nobody has ever pointed that out to me, but now they have I can see it's not right, in the same was as if I was using "black people" or "gay". I'll think about it some more, but right now I could really do with some advice on..."

drudgetrudy · 31/12/2014 17:49

Can't be bothered to try to help-find your use of word "girly" very off and you keep making it worse.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 17:50

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ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 17:51

I didn't use "girly" as a term of abuse or insult

And to be clear; Yes. You. Did.

That is what everyone is calling you on.

If you really can't see it, you have a big problem.

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