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Relationships

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DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

473 replies

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:16

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 17:55

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Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 17:55

OP you sound like you can never admit you might have made a mistake, or that you can change your opinion and learn from others. You seem to have a closed mind. What was the point in posting if you don't want to hear the answers?

You are also passive aggressive. I say that in case you are not aware of it. You might want to try and reign that in.

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 17:56

FolkGirl I don't want to stoop to your abusive level. Perhaps you would like to have a little think about what you are getting out of this thread?

And funnily enough, no, I do not want to identify myself by giving the name of a degenerative neurological illness which may have a genetic link on an internet forum, whether or not you consider And degenerative neurological disorder is one hell of a fucking drip feed.

I see you have suggested "simpering" as an alternative word. Its not bad, but it doesn't quite encapsulate him. Never mind, Yonic has come up with ditzy. Which is perfect. Although as she says, I am not allowed to use that either, as it may have negative connotations towards women.

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 17:58

And funnily enough, no, I do not want to identify myself by giving the name of a degenerative neurological illness which may have a genetic link on an internet forum, whether or not you consider And degenerative neurological disorder is one hell of a fucking drip feed.

That is not her point.

The point IS that you might have mentioned that 200 posts ago (if it is the case) as it would seem rather germane.

CharlieSierra · 31/12/2014 17:59

You know, I am really not in the mood for this

NO, Neither are we, so FUCKING STOP!!!! Jesus, unfuckingbelievable!

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 31/12/2014 18:00

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ralgex · 31/12/2014 18:00

Fairenuff, you have misspelt "rein". Use a dictionary, please, if you are going to insist on pedantry.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 18:03

Wow ralgex thanks for the valuable typo-policing service. Great substantive contribution there Hmm

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 18:03

Ralgex where am I insisting on pedantry? My post are completely straightforward. I'm sure OP understands what I mean, despite the error. And, yes, I can admit to an error.

GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit · 31/12/2014 18:04

What they said. I'm very interested in the problem you've described, Jessie, and some of what you've written makes me want to ask more. But, more than that, I'm astonished to find such entrenched belief in gender roles, here in the UK, in the 21st century. The fact that you respond to criticism of this by aggressively digging yourself in deeper suggests there's something unusual about your mentality as well as your husband's.

Out of interest, would you say I'm masculine or feminine? I live alone, doing my own shopping and cooking as well as DIY and taking the bins out. I am both decisive and emotional. Does this cancel out my second X chromosome?

FloraFox · 31/12/2014 18:14

OP if your behaviour on this thread is how you behave in real life, you are possibly fundamentally unsuited to be with your husband. It may not just be his behaviour that is the problem.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 18:15

I'm not sure that the problem OP describes can actually be considered seperately from her bizarre, intolerant, anachronistic attitudes.

She sounds like the worst possible person to be in a relationship with if one is forgetful/dyspraxic/disorganized/unconfident. She is positively seething with resentment and disdain.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 18:16

X post Flora - exactly.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 18:20

arsenic and flora that's what I was getting at earlier when I said I'd be interested to 'see' the relationship and that the husband might need someone more enlightened.

It's not easy being with someone who is a little 'quirky'. I also think you might just be fundamentally unsuitable, op.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/12/2014 18:27

Aha

BalloonSlayer · 31/12/2014 18:28

Right I am not going to join the "girly" attack brigade.

My DH is a little similar re losing things (OP check out the thread in chat where the OP thought someone had stolen her DCs wallet and I have written a post near the end describing some of my DH's um . . . bumblings, for want of a better word.)

DH is the furthest you could possibly get from autistic.

His memory is v. poor, yet it is fine for work. His poor memory extends to what he is like with losing things etc, he can't remember "what he is like" so if I get cross because he lost his wallet last time we were on holiday and he has lost it on holiday again, then I am "remembering every single little thing he has ever got wrong and then throwing it back at him, why can't I forget it like he does?" Angry

He is worst when we are on holiday, I think his "mental map" isn't there any more because we are in unfamiliar surroundings.

Our DS1 is very similar and ironically it drives DH to distraction. I tell him "this is what it is like being married to you" which he finds insulting! Grin

But he is a wonderful man and I put up with it because of that. I also have no tolerance now tbh and he has improved.

(Also he has a good sense of direction and would never do the not booking in advance stuff)

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 18:30

I've said from the beginning that I am not perfect myself, but I've also wondered whether the stress of living with someone who behaves like this hasn't had the best effect on me.

FolkGirl the husband might need someone more enlightened

What is it you are looking to get out of this exactly? Most of your posts are a bit weird. They sort of transcend boundaries of whats intrusive and whats sort of socially acceptable...

Garlic I really couldn't say. I do have a suspicion that men and women are different in some respects, but not being an expert on the matter, it might be best for you to do your own research into it?

I agree that I should probably not be allowed to have a husband. Perhaps you could direct me as to an example of a real living person who has a model personality, with no flaws whatsoever, and I could try and model myself on them?

In actual fact, I just get rather sarcastic when dealing with the ridiculous and bizarre. its not very nice to be upset and have someone posting that you are a troll or are thick or dim or vile, etc., etc..

I'll give you a little clue again...I'm being sarcastic now. But hey, at least its better than being abusive.

Mumsnet - I am perfectly amenable to you changing the extremely offensive word in the title to "ditzy". Or deleting the whole miserable thing. Many thanks to those who have tried to help, apologies for the sarcasm, I have been directed to a source which might offer genuine assistance.

OP posts:
GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit · 31/12/2014 18:35

Thank you for your suggestion, Jessie Grin As far as I can tell, both my X chromosomes are still in place and so is my vagina.

Glad you've found some genuine assistance. It wasn't HireAHitMan.com, was it ... ?

SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 18:39

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teapuddles · 31/12/2014 18:46

I'm starting to understand why the sex life stalled. Dear oh dear. This is scary.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 31/12/2014 18:47

Hi OP,

It sounds as though you are - perhaps justifiably - frustrated and angry, after years of your husband's behaviour. I think, though, that you are taking that anger and frustration out on a number of posters, perhaps because expressing your concerns to your husband has got you nowhere...

If you are genuinely afraid that he might be suffering from a serious degenerative disorder, then surely it is a priority to get that checked out?
I understand you can't force him to go, but there must be a way of letting him know that you are at the end of your tether and that you both need to get to the bottom of it.

If he is really unwilling to be tested, what are your options?
You could carry on as you have been doing, which is obviously not working;

You could take charge of just about everything in your joint life to make sure he doesn't mess them up, but this is perhaps more than you should have to cope with - you would just be mothering him;

You could tell him that you have had enough, and ask him what he is going to do about the situation. If he is not willing to engage with you about it, would you consider walking away?

Good luck.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2014 18:49

Why apologise when you are not in the least sorry OP? I really don't get you. Your last post is positively slathered with sarcasm and yet you apologise for it? It makes the apology itself sound sarcastic. Especially in print where there is no tone or body language to pick up on.

You do sound odd tbh.

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 18:52

Thanks Zorba. I don't know how much a GP would be interested in him. I think he would have to show more "symptoms", if indeed there was anything wrong with him. I agree though its sometimes the wife that notices changes that other people don't. To me, he is fine if he is in a routine, going to work, but holiday time where he doesn't have that, is different. Then again, some posters have been kind enough to describe rather similar husbands. What BalloonSlayer above wrote about having zero tolerance now is very true. Its like I have used up all my patience and tolerance.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 19:06

I think what you mean is that you can't rationally deconstruct anything I've said and identify where I've said anything 'wrong' so you're going to try and insult me instead. That's ok.

What I meant by "someone more enlightened" was, your husband might benefit from being in a relationship with someone who understands SpLDs or who doesn't have such rigid and inflexible ideas themselves.

You seem very focused on gender roles and ascribing abstract social constructs to natural law, becoming frustrated that he has deviated from his prescribed role, which has, in turn, necessitated that you also deviate from yours.

I don't understand that. My marriage didn't work out in the end, but what did work was that we played to our own strengths rather than worrying about whether it was a masculine or feminine role. Or whether our personality traits were stereotypically assigned to a particular gender. It just didn't come up.

ralgex · 31/12/2014 19:08

Fairenuff, if you don't "get" a person, why keep posting on her thread, over and over and over again? Why? It's blatantly clear you can't understand her.