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DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

473 replies

JessieJJJ · 31/12/2014 11:16

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

OP posts:
ArsenicStew · 31/12/2014 14:08

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Deserttrek · 31/12/2014 14:08

Are you with Basil Fawlty?

ArsenicStew · 31/12/2014 14:10

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LuckyCharms · 31/12/2014 14:10

Some things about my (probably dyspraxic) DH:

  • he's 1000 times worse when stressed which leads to a sort of domino affect. So for example I ask him to go to shops for milk and nappies. He can't find his car keys so gets stressed. He finds them but because he's stressed he takes a wrong turning and gets lost and even more stressed. So then he hits a bollard when reversing in a car park, and then he trips over on the way to the shops, and by now he's forgotton what to buy from the shops. So he comes home 3 hours later with a dent in the car, a bleeding knee, and 2 bags of microwavable popcorn Hmm
  • He will also be incredibly angry and frustrated with himself (as would anyone at the chain of events above) but will also be incredibly defensive, because he feels so hopeless at inability to get milk and nappies. So he will claim all this is my fault for sending him out and refuse to admit fault. There will be a row, he won't be nice.

But later on he will apologise and say how useless he feels and how he sometimes hates himself for being clumsy and how he's had to live with it all his life and he's just so fed up with it.

  • despite all this he has little self awareness and has fanciful ideas way beyond his capabilites. And doesn't understand why they fail.
  • he has no common sense. I wouldn't let him organise a holiday without input from me as chances are it would be a disaster.
GarlicDrankTheChristmasSpirit · 31/12/2014 14:13

I'm not convinced AS or dyspraxia explains all of this

Well, it does, pretty much. It's all about 'straight line' thinking and predictability. You could get an engineer with an ASD to devise a predictive formula on the likelihood of losing a jacket while out shopping, but it would only inform him that he needs more spare jackets! He wouldn't be able to follow with "make sure I've always got my jacket" because it would cause him constant anxiety.

The sulky entitlement, as everyone's said, isn't part of the syndrome and has several possible explanations. Co-morbid mental disorders & mental illnesses are frequent in ASD populations. But there's also the possibility that the anxieties of living in an unpredictable world cause the frustration & anger. Diagnosis can help with this, but you can't force someone to seek it.

By the way, I like "wet lettuce" Grin I know exactly what that means!

HolgerDanske · 31/12/2014 14:14

Yes Arsenic I quite agree.

Ho hum. Time to get some RL stuff done Smile

jigglywiggly · 31/12/2014 14:19

What a surprise, a thread full if bullying to the OP just because of her choice of words. Mumsnet at its worst. Someone comes asking for advice and is labelled a troll, offensive , etc. OP don't worry about the professionally offended, they seem to come out in their packs to gang up on the vulnerable. What lovely supportive people they are.
Your DP does sound rather hopeless. Have you thought about a trial separation at all for your own sake more than anything else?!

ArsenicStew · 31/12/2014 14:19

Time for Bucks Fizz and chores I think Smile

SnapeChat · 31/12/2014 14:22

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HolgerDanske · 31/12/2014 14:23

Heh yes!

Interestingly, LuckyCharms that description is exactly like me. I find it hugely frustrating and very upsetting, as it seems so out of kilter with my general intelligence and capability. Ah well, maybe one of these days I'll win my millions and I'll be rich enough to live out my days being pleasingly and quite naturally 'eccentric' Grin

NettleTea · 31/12/2014 14:26

That flapping, helpless act adopted in the video describes exactly what dh does

and what most people with ASD do when confronted by their own limitations.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 14:29

Oh I'm not professionally offended (haven't heard that for a while) but I am an intelligent, thinking person who understands the damage caused by the ignorance expressed by the op here.

If some people don't like that, I can live with it.

unlucky83 · 31/12/2014 14:31

holger /arsenic you haven't in fact come up with just ONE word that encompasses all that is meant by the word 'girly' ... how wrong that is I agree is up for debate - on another thread perhaps...
(I can't think of one either or I would have suggested it)

OP are you sure your DH hasn't just become 'lazy' because you have done all the organising, been the responsible adult, like being in control, are capable etc. He has now become more and more dependent on you - more childlike - and now can't really help himself? Sure it is a known psychological thing.
My DP became a bit like this - still is -but I've been working on it. I practise saying 'I don't know' a lot ...feels like a stuck record sometimes..or 'there is no reason why you can't do that yourself' - sometimes I click into capable person and start doing something he can do perfectly well himself and have to stop myself...
Another alternative is a trial separation - he would either cope or he wouldn't - I suspect he would cope!

grenedeer · 31/12/2014 14:33

Several posters have suggested trying to get a diagnosis, but how do you do that with an adult who is coping and possibly not bothered by his behaviour? Would the NHS help, or would it have to be private? Jessie says her dh gets defensive and sulky, so he seems to realise there may be a problem, but hasn't said he ever talks about it or expresses concern.

Genuinely interested as my dp has some of the traits mentioned though he is a loud real ale drinker. He is unusually clumsy, loses things and struggles with dates/times, etc. He does have mild dyslexia (had this confirmed privately) and was told it should never be a handicap but was advised to put routines/systems into place to help him remember things, which he frustratingly refuses to do. He also gets defensive about his perceived mistakes.

Sometimes I get annoyed with him because it seems like he could make his life easier by planning a bit more but if it is a genuine issue that would help us all be more considerate with each other. And if it's because that's how he is by personality alone, we would all know where we stand.

teapuddles · 31/12/2014 14:40

OP, do you think that the effeminate side of your DH is the reason for the end of your sex life? Do you actually feel that he is not masculine at all, hence "girly" fitting so well in your mind?

LuckyCharms · 31/12/2014 14:41

And yes my DH does the flapping thing too.

For instance on the day we moved house my dad and BIL were there to help and we all pitched in cleaning the house, tying up all the loose ends, making cups of tea for the removal men etc.

My DH really got on my BIL's nerves because he just sort of stood there flapping but not being helpful. But I recognise that behaviour as my DH wanting to be helpful but not knowing what to do (because he doesn't have much initiative) so he just sort of hovers awaiting instructions or inspiration Grin He basically needs someone to tell him what to do and then he'll willingly help.

You see what I mean about frustrating? Grin

But there are there are things you can do to help once you understand the behaviour a bit better.

Vivacia · 31/12/2014 14:41

Man I just say Thank You to those who challenged the use of "girly" and for not letting it go?

grenedeer · 31/12/2014 14:42

Folkgirl, your comment:

No, I know. I did meet people when I talked about getting my son's obvious dyspraxia diagnosed who suggested that if I did, then rather than 'trying' or learning coping strategies or whatever, he'd just resign himself to it and say, "Oh I can't help it, it's the dyspraxia". When in fact, had the effect you are suggesting.

This is really interesting. Seems like because your son had a clearer idea of how to deal with his situation, rather than a huge, overwhelming list of possibilities, it helped him.

jigglywiggly · 31/12/2014 14:56

I too am an intelligent person thanks, and I would like to think that if a RL friend came to me to ask for advice and used some terminology that I didn't like, I would still show her compassion and advice. Not berate her and tell her she is 'vile' and her and her husband deserve each other etc. How very cruel some posters are here. If you don't like the thread then don't comment, but to take the trouble to post on someone's thread to tell them how awful they are is very very low. I hope some of you don't treat your friends like that. That is if you still have friends left if you haven't dropped them all from using the wrong phrases and terminology in front of you.
Happy new year OP, I hope some if the advice on here has been useful to you.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 14:57

grenedeer my son was 13 when he was diagnosed, so yes, he did have a good insight/understanding.

I've also had a referal for an adult asd assessment. I went to the gp and explained why I wanted one. He agreed. The referral was to an nhs psychiatrist. I didn't ever go. I have a good understanding of asd, I have friends with asd and just knowing someone else suspected it was enough for me. I have my own coping strategies.

As for my son, we put routines etc in place to support him. They do work, but he's also reluctant at times. He embraces his dyspraxia. He doesn't hide it, he jokes about it, he 'owns' it.

YonicSleighdriver · 31/12/2014 15:02

Unlucky, I suspect OP would have used "ditzy/dizzy/flaky" if they had occurred to her. Unfortunately all three of those words are typically applied to women way more than men.

OP, why don't you and DH have your own accounts AND a joint account - then holidays etc could come from the joint account.

FolkGirl · 31/12/2014 15:06

Tbh, jiggly, the op was offensive with far more than her initial use of the word 'girly'.

In a professional capacity, yes I would bite my tongue, but friends well I tend not to have friends who hold offensive views or use offensive language.

But posting on here isn't my job. And the op isn't a friend online/rl or otherwise. She is a rude stranger and I see no problem in calling her out on that.

When she was given advice she just became offensive to a whole other group of people.

Vivacia · 31/12/2014 15:09

IRL, a person would quickly apologise for using a term such as female, black or gay in a derogatory way and then we'd all move on. A point that has already been repeatedly made.

MrsTawdry · 31/12/2014 15:14

Vivacia I would not move on if a person I was talking to made a comment that was derogatory to women, black or gay people. Hmm

CharlieSierra · 31/12/2014 15:16

When she was given advice she just became offensive to a whole other group of people

This

Can't believe this thread is still here quite honestly.

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