DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

[JessieJJJ]

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

Overlapping Dyspraxia, Dyslexia, ADHD with ASD is fairly common. A good ASD unit should be able to untangle the particular issues of each individual.

Anyways, I've got to go get ready for NYE drinks, good luck OP. I hope you find the help you need.

have pm'd you OP

Most couples tend to have a bit of this, my ex organised lots of stuff fantastically well, finances being an example but would have struggled to get us to the airport let alone on a flipping holiday. Luckily i loved planning and organising holidays. and so on and so on. We fitted together pretty well.

If only one of you is like this then that doesn't sound like an adult relationship much more a parent child relationship. YUK.

Thanks all, I really do appreciate your posts (and thanks for your pm Balloon), and I do think you're right Twinklestein that we do have to pursue some medical approach. I also want to keep things in perspective, the post about having zero tolerance now rang a bell as I think its pretty obvious from the way I've posted on here that I do have quite low tolerance at the moment!

Happy New Year to all.

Happy new year Jessie, hope 2015 is good to you!

I don't get it, is he
A. Shows signs of a degenerative neurological disorder
OR
B. High functioning and not of interest to the medical establishment ?

He really can't be both yet you repeat both throughout this extremely long thread.

You obviously have some deep seated gender stereotype issues and your current situation exacerbates this. I would suggest it's not a healthy state of mind to be in and I honestly have no idea what you're getting from the relationship.

There is only a certain amount of sympathy and advice people will be willing to offer in such circumstances. Your extreme views and inability to understand its offensiveness and effect on others are stopping people from empathising with you. And you replying by refusing to understand the genuine upset you are causing, whilst at the same time demanding empathy and attention... Well, being nice about it, it's not exactly getting the result you want and you may want to consider why.

I wish you well but I do think you're own inability to see how your behaviour effects others is either a symptom or cause of the situation you're in. Please think about it.

Why are you with this man? Because you've been together ages and he has a job?

You have no respect for him, you think he's totally incapable of various simple tasks, you think his job is easy and he works slowly. Basically you don't think he's as good as you at anything. It must be miserable for you both.

You don't have sex. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who hurt me either. Do you scratch him? Have you discussed the fact you don't have sex anymore.

You don't find him attractive. Not suprisingly since you sound like you despise him.

I don't think it does matter if he has a medical condition or if he actually is a useless twat. I'm just not sure you can put your relationship back together from this (or why you'd want to).

New start for 2015?

I support all the suggestions above regarding seeking professional help/diagnoses.

Is it also the case that he was never taught/shown how to be organised as a child? There was a very useful thread a few years ago about lateness, containing a lot of useful points about exactly how to be on time. I admit that I learned some things from reading that thread and my punctuality (always good in a work context, but not the best when it came to social commitments or appointments) improved as a result.

If he is willing to change then there are techniques that would help with all the problems in the OP. The question is whether or not you really want to bother.

I got to page 5 and could no longer be doing with the girly issue.

OP, your husband is extraordinarily masculine in the sense that he sounds like a typically abusive asshole husband who thinks you'll put up with his shit just because he is a man. And he's right. You wouldn't put up with this from a friend or sister, would you? He's got you pegged.

Also, I realise men are more likely than women to have issues such as autism etc but sometimes it's very hard to tell the difference between a man who is just behaving like an asshole, and a man who has "autistic traits". I'm being serious. This is no sleight against men who have autism, I'm just saying that I see these labels bandied about as a way to excuse some atrocious behaviour, that they get away with. And no, women and girls don't get away with this kind of stuff in quite the same way men do. They get pulled up on it. If a woman behaved the way your husband does, OP, she would have no partner and probably no friends either. NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL 3pm the next day because of HIS mistake. Never heard of ANY woman behaving like that.

As someone who has actually seen the effect in myself of being flummoxed and disorganised arpund certain people I would say it might be partially a feeling of wanting things to be a joint decision rather than an 'either him or you' action, and/or a feeling that whatever he decides you will decide something else or criticise. An example to illustrate was that I used to work in a shop, serve up to three customers at the same time add up in my head and get multiple orders from each right. One customer was always convinced I would make a mistake and often challenged me and was wrong but before long she got what she wanted. I started focussing so much on my annoyance at her lack of trust (emotional) at the same time as doing the analytical and remembering tasks that she ended up getting all the focus of my attention AND all the mistakes. It was only when I came in extra focussed and absolutely determined to get my own back and caught her out actually making up a 'mistake' to prove that she had been 'always' right that she stopped being so focussed on my making errors and more about what was right.

Some people are disorganised or thinking a lot about other things, but then some people are so focussed on how well they would do things and how crap everyone else is that people find it difficult NOT to make mistakes around them.. almost to reward their picky view of the world with things to pick at. My dad was a bit like this and I still have to fight to not be late for him because I know he is watching like a hawk to crow about ne being late so all the phone out of charge, keys lost, missing busses collect around HIS appointments where others who arent watching for a slip-up get the best of me, the relaxed in control me and the early thoughtful me IYSWIM. . It could be better to be nice and enjoy the random for a bit and try and read the signals beneath (ie he wants a go with the flow holiday) .? hth

I hope to fuck that you are on a wind up.

HQ says not

HQ are dropping the ball on a lot of things lately so I wouldn't be surprised if they were wrong on this one.

Well it's mighty depressing to see a woman hold such views, that's for sure. But she seems to have gone.

Quite, Arsenic

I did not like the use of "girly" in the heading at all but recognise its a shorthand for a stereotype many of us recognise & object to.

However, I have completely lost patience with all the posters who have laboured the point ad infinitum & been very offensive & degenerated into attacks on the OP (& others) - I assume you have never said the wrong thing? - this is no way to discuss/debate/suggest...

Can't speak for everyone else, ocelot, but my reaction to the girly/masculine thing changed from "oh dear, I see what you mean but that's an unfortunate way of looking at it" as Jessie dug her heels in deeper. Her insistence over this, coupled with a seeming inability to entertain another point of view, made it more & more likely that her husband's flappery is at least partially aggravated by her own rigid thinking - Vinegar illustrated this above.

A person who persistently characterises 'femaleness' as unreliable, disorganised & dim - while conversing with a group of women - is very likely to be an overbearing individual with few empathy skills.

What Gallic said

Gallic perfectly put.

Thanks!

Ive given up TBH and its very rare for me to do that.
New year, new attitude maybe

Would you like to borrow an elegantly dismissive shrug, Nettle?

certainly Gallic - I think it would, given the responses from the OP, the most appropriate response to the question.

OP doesnt seem to want any more from the thread than for someone to say 'yes, my DH is a girly arse, completely useless and pathetic, god he even flaps his arms about when running in the park with the DC. Huge commiserations to you, dont know how you bear it, you must be just like a real man to hold it all together like you do'

but sadly it didnt go that way. First we questioned her inherent and seemingly incomprehensively unaware sexism, we suggested following up on neurological reasons for the behaviour (especially given the very SERIOUS degenerative disease he could potentially have, and the fact many of us are intimately involved with partners/children with very similar traits) only to be met with some horribly offensive disable-ist comment about him using any diagnosis as an excuse to behave like a girl.

You dont want him diagnosed, or even investigated for a serious condition.

You just want him to be someone else.

if you dont like who he is, whether he is abusive or has a neurological disorder, then leave him. Dont just hang around for his £50K salary, because that is the absolute only positive thing you have had to say about him on the entire thread.

And now, with the shrug, Im bloody pissed off at the total insensitivity (because I could imagine you would feel the same about the people around me who I love very much, but who take alot of empathy to live with), and I really am off