DH is a bit Girly/Disorganised - Anyone Else Have One of these?

[JessieJJJ]

...and how to cope, because its driving me mad?

This week for example, we went to the cinema, I booked the tickets, but it was a new cinema and we couldn't find it. This was after a minor drama where he lost his jacket. So we were wandering about the town, looking for it. He wouldn't ask anyone, so I had to approach 3 passers by to ask for directions, but by then he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone so by the time he eventually stumbled across it, we had missed the first 40 minutes of the film.

Then after the film had ended, he had lost his car keys in the cinema. Fortunately someone had handed them in, but not before we had searched the entire cinema and I had been accused of "taking them".

We then went away in the car for a couple of days. I was going to book the first night's accommodation in a hotel but he asked me not to, as he didnt' want to be tied down. So I ended up paying nearly double to stay in the very same hotel as the on the door price was more expensive than the internet. I said he could do the accommodation for the second night, but we couldn't find anywhere, and were driving around for about 3 hours looking. A lot of places were closed and eventually we only found somewhere by pulling up at a tourist information board, me phoning various numbers on my phone and getting someone to open up a self catering apartment. DH's phone had ran out of power so he couldnt' do any phoning. He then sulked for most of the next day because he ended up paying £100 to stay in a self catering apartment for one night - he literally wouldn't speak to me or answer any questions until about 3pm.

We took it in turns to drive home, neither of us like Tom Toms but I am very good at map reading, so I gave him good directions when he was driving. As soon as we swapped, he gave me several wrong directions involving lengthy detours off the motorway into small villages, etc.. Even when we were visiting an attraction, he stood next to a massive sign saying "Exit" and announced "I'm really lost now, I can't find my way out".

He works as an engineer so should be quite practical, and he is only 45...but he seems to specialise in putting things on upside down or the wrong way round, you would think the law of change would mean he would be wrong maybe only 50% of the time but no, he bucks that trend. If you say "take the first exit at the roundabout" he is more likely to randomly take the third exit, if you say "go left" you cannot trust him not to go right.

It might sound funny but its actually incredibly stressful for me, as if I don't keep a constant watch on him, he might wander off and get lost. And driving in the dark and heavy rain late at night looking for a way back to the motorway isn't much fun. But he's quite rude with it?

They sort of transcend boundaries of whats intrusive and whats sort of socially acceptable.

Now I'm sure you're taking the piss!

You say that you don't see the point of labelling people, but at the same time seem very keen to use that one, single, irreplaceable word that apparently sums up all your husband's flaws perfectly, and has nothing to do with girls really. Surely his character is more multifaceted than that?

Your husband should be the person closest to you, someone you really care about. If you think he's ill, he should be the first person to whom you voice your concerns. You should be worried about the effect his illness might have on him. But instead you seem annoyed by him, and don't even want to tell him to go to the doctor in case he ends up irritating you even more. If your relationship has fallen to as low a point as that, it isn't doing either of you any good, is it? I asked if he wanted to be with you. Do you want to be with him? Is either of you happy at all?

I accept I may be in a minority but I am able to cope with the rather odd use of the word 'girly' without becoming hysterical, and personally I find the OP's husband's issues far more interesting than offence-taking and name-calling.

OP, I have to say I'm very surprised at your GP's attitude to adult ASD and your acceptance of it. There are many reasons why an adult diagnosis can be extremely helpful, many indeed so obvious that I surely don't need to list them here - in short, support for you and him, better understanding of why he does what he does, coping strategies etc.

GPs are rather Jack of all Trades, with no specialism and I'm not convinced that your GP has the requisite training or experience to be making the judgements he/she apparently has. Furthermore it is clear that your husband is not really coping that well and neither are you. If he had absolutely no problems at all, in that case, I can see an argument for not following the issue up, but in the situation you describe it could actually really help both of you.

All of which slightly pales into significance in the context of his family history of neurological disease. That needs to be checked out surely?

Even if it's to rule everything out. He may be perfectly ok on all fronts and just very temperamental, but wouldn't it help you to know exactly what you're dealing with?

Hi OP,

I just re-read your original post and this stood out in the context of trying to find the cinema: while you were asking for directions "he had wandered off. He wouldn't answer his phone" and so "we missed the first 40 minutes of the film".

I can't see how that is being disorganised or clumsy or forgetful. I get the impression that he doesn't take you into account at all, beyond assuming that you will be there to pick up the pieces when he makes a mess of things - again.

If he just stonewalls and blusters when you try to tell him how stressful is behaviour is for you, then it sounds as though he doesn't see there is a problem. But why should you have to spend the rest of your life "looking after" him?

I don't really know what to suggest, but I am not surprised you are at the end of your tether.

You asked at the start how to cope. The bottom line is, you're not going to be able to change him. He either can't change or won't change.

If he's ok at work when his life is structured, but less ok when on holiday, then it's more likely to be due to a spld than a degenerative neurological disorder.

I agree FolkGirl, he won't change because he either can't or chooses not to.

"I accept I may be in a minority but I am able to cope with the rather odd use of the word 'girly' without becoming hysterical, and personally I find the OP's husband's issues far more interesting than offence-taking and name-calling."

Twinklestein, you are most certainly not in the minority.

FolkGirl no really, its just that I find your repeated abuse and offensive language, and hectoring tone alienates me. Do you really find that constantly swearing at people and calling someone "dim" and what else was there, I can't actually remember, ever produces positive effects?

Where you said I'd be really interested to hear the husband's side of things" was kind of OK, but when you added on "or to see this relationship that does come across as intrusive and strange. I have always said right from the beginning that I was worried about senility or a degenerative neurological illness, I think from page 2 or 3. I really don't know, I don't know what to do, whether to force him to go to his GP, whether he would be lucky to have an enlightened GP or whether they would do anything at all. Maybe it is all in my imagination. I do sometimes wonder about that at times. From that perspective, I really don't find posters suggesting I am the demon from hell particularly helpful. I mean, he might well be suited to that very rare person who can put up with this better than I do, but that's not too likely to happen, is it?

All I know is that I am at the end of my tether, I find it stressful and I don't think it is having a good influence on me. Other people do comment on DH's behaviour, usually along the lines of they "don't know how I can put up with it", so it must be something that is obvious to other people too. I think he is getting worse, but when you have been with someone so long, its hard to tell how much, or if as another poster further back suggested, its laziness on his part.

I would expect a lot of these things to be instilled in someone long before they reach adulthood e.g. if you can't find a cinema, you ask for directions, if you don't book accommodation, you will struggle to find somewhere late at night, etc..

Zorba re the cinema thing. He's done similar before (the wandering off). If he focusses on one thing, he will lose track of time to a ridiculous degree and follow this one thing. He has "got lost" for hours doing this in the past, e.g. looking for a cashline - once he was gone for 4 or 5 hours...tbh though there was a bit of me becoming exasperated and just bloody asking some people for directions myself and getting to the cinema successfully, and letting him sort himself out rather than following him up some distant pathway.

Does no-one else's DH/DP do that?

How can you force him to go to the GP though? If he doesn't want to, you can't make him. Is this something you have discussed him doing?

I don't care about your partner or care to read the thread but I'm offended about your sweeping generalization that anyone being disorganized is "girly."

Such disrespect and disregard for women.

It sounds as if you're assuming he should be all of a piece - either obviously clumsy or not at all, one of the other.

No doubt you're aware that with say high functioning autism (to take an example of ASD spectrum) individuals can have particular talents that require far higher than average coordination such as engineering as has already been discussed, but also science, art, music etc, but be less coordinated than average in other areas.

The fact that your husband isn't clumsy and can park doesn't really signify as regards the possibility of ASD, when he struggles with coordinating his possessions, reading maps, gets lost, flaps about, puts things on upside down or the wrong way round. The last detail particularly implies there is something disordered in the way his brain processes information from his nervous system. Focusing on one detail and losing track of everything else is fairly classic.

What you describe as not concentrating may be that he needs to concentrate harder than the average person to accomplish tasks we take for granted. You may assume he just needs to concentrate a normal amount, whereas in fact he may need to concentrate an abnormal amount, which would make his life more tiring, stressful, draining, hence the dramas.

Its the fact he's getting worse Twinkle. I am sure he used to be able to read maps and didn't put things on upside down so much. His brain does seem disordered - to me he seems very illogical. He doesn't get tired though, or stressed - in fact he can be very cutting about people that do show signs of stress. He sees it as a fault.

I don't know if you all have far better GPs than we do, but neither my GP nor his are interested.

I would be interested to see the relationship 'between' you. I think there might some answers in there. And yes, suggestions for you on how to cope.

I swore because I genuinely thought you were being deliberately offensive and provocative. I found it difficult to believe someone would hold that viewpoint seriously.

His behaviour might actually be his 'sign of stress' though OP. But neither he nor you recognise it as that. Many people internalise stress and it can come out as an actual physical symptom, such as a skin rash or heart palpitations, etc. He could try some destressing techniques when he is exhibiting the strange behaviour.

But the point is that this all has to come from him, not you. All you can do is tell him how you feel about it and what you intend to do to make your own life happier. If that means some time apart, that may be what it has to come to.

Just read your most recent post OP.

I don't think it's in your imagination, and I can hear how stressful you find living with this. I don't know how you cope to be honest. I think asking for help here is the first step, but really you need more specialised help than anyone can give over the internet or even a GP can provide.

The most obvious place to start is to rule out the beginnings of neurological illness, for that you need a referral to a neurologist. They will do all kinds of neurological tests, and an MRI scan if necessary.

If that's ruled out, then you face the question of ASD etc, only you can decide the best way to go forward. I would recommend the National Autism Unit at the Maudseley in London (if you are London/SE based).

I would use the GP as a springboard to access other services rather than an end in itself.

Isn't that supposed to be one of those "typically masculine" things to do, not asking for directions? Supposedly because you are too proud to admit that you might not know the way yourself?

The cinema thing does seem odd to me. Do you mean that you need him to ask for directions as you are too shy or something, or that he is so opposed to it that he actually stopped you from asking? I'd just have thought "Oh, we're lost" and asked the nearest person without any opportunity for my partner not to do it or to stop me asking. And why did you go in 40 minutes late, when the film had started? Did he insist on it?

When you were looking for hotels, why was he annoyed with you at the expense, when he was the one who preferred to choose at the last minute (an option which is usually more expensive)? Did he sulk because you were proven right and him wrong? Isn't that just (ridiculously) hurt pride rather than ditziness causing the problem?

Xpost - you've posted again OP, I will read your latest and respond.

Yeah he must be deliberately losing things and map reading wrong.

He's also deliberately not booking things because nothing he does is good enough.

It sounds like dyspraxia to me. It's not girly (whatever the fuck that means), it's a neurological disorder.

ravenmum Isn't that supposed to be one of those "typically masculine" things to do, not asking for directions? Supposedly because you are too proud to admit that you might not know the way yourself?

I don't like approaching strangers in cities in the dark at night. It wasn't too busy. I'd rather DH did it, or at least stayed beside me, although I will do it if lost. Kill me now.

I thought there was a chance the adverts would last for 25 minutes or so. I'm not sure exactly how much of the film we missed, but it was a while.

Believe me, he has form for much more extreme examples of disappearing than this.

I have absolutely no idea why he sulked. Probably just the money. No real arguments about it, I was really trying to be very patient that night. It was the misdirections and the argument about what "first exit at the roundabout" the next day that really set me off. Every single direction he gave me was wrong.

FolkGirl I would be interested to see the relationship 'between' you. I think there might some answers in there. And yes, suggestions for you on how to cope.

Believe me I am not meaning to be unkind when I say if anyone "looks" at my relationship, it will be a professional in their field selected by both of us. I don't need anyone to look at my relationship though, its more what I choose to go on living with. Sometimes you bury your head in the sand about how bad things are.

It seems like two different sets of problems to me. The losing things/getting lost/losing track of time, and the refusing to ask/getting annoyed when his plans don't work out/insisting on doing stupid things. Both types annoying, no doubt, but isn't that all that links them? Or would the second type be ASD behaviour too?

I think some GPs are better than others, you may not have a forward thinking practice.

In that circumstance it can sometimes be helpful to get in touch with medical charities for the particular illnesses/disorders you may feel are relevant, get recommendations for specialists and simply ask the GP to refer you.

His erratic behaviour may be his way of manifesting stress or fatigue even if he doesn't seem obviously physically tried.

I think one sometimes can be more intolerant of faults one fears one has than those one does not. Or he may just be unsympathetic to issues he doesn't identify with. (If he were ASD spectrum - lack of empathy and understanding of others is a common trait).

Could he have adult attention deficit disorder?

concentration problems
forgetfulness and poor short-term memory
lack of organisation
problems with creating and maintaining routines
lack of self-discipline
impulsive behaviour
restless mind
restlessness
poor time management
impatience and frustration.

might be worth checking out. DS has ADD. is very bright and can concentrate for hours on what interests him but has most of the above too!

Kill you now because I wonder why you didn't ask for directions yourself? I imagined you were walking along with your husband and could thus ask the first person you passed without fear of attack. I wondered why you needed your husband to do it. But you weren't together? Does he do that thing of walking along behind or in front of you, rather than next to you?

Our oldest DS18 is the same.He drives myself and his poor Dad(my DH) around the twist.We don't have the option of divorcing him though!

He takes after his father unfortunately(my ex husband)he's lost or broken numerous mobiles we've bought him and that he's bought his self.Lost a brand new not cheap wallet we bought him that also contained his provisional license,a new bank card,cash and a special certificate he'd passed.Lost cash,numerous bank cards.One bank card he'd only had a few days.He looses house keys,he's misplaced a tablet,his dressing gown and god knows what else.

He's really intelligent and really good at any job he does but he just seems to live on a different planet bless him.

His Dad used to drive me round the twist with how bloody useless he was,we had two DS together but he was far harder work than the boys ever were.One of the reasons I divorced him.

YADNBU OP.