Completely shocked by husband

[birgittestyle]

This evening my husband told me he didn't love me anymore and had been seeing someone else for the last month. It has come as a complete shock as I hadn't suspected anything. He is a fantastic husband and amazing father until now. We have 3 young children aged 7, 6 and 4 and I have no idea what to say to them.
My big worry right now is that we live in Germany, the youngest was born here and my husband is german but I am English. He says the marriage is over and I just don't know what to do. I want to move back to England but I am not sure how this works under german law.
Does anyone know how custody and moving country is decided? I cannot bear the thought of having to stay here and just want to take the children back to my home. The older two were also born abroad but not in Grammy. We married in England.
Any experience or knowledge would be very helpful. I am in such a complete state of shock and need to think about what to do next.

1. Ask him if you can take the kids back to the UK.
2. Secure your money - open up a new bank account if you have to.
3. Don't agree to anything that will put him in a stronger position
4. Entertain visitors? Fuck that. Get angry. Tell him to put them off.

This will be a tough time for the children. There is no getting around that. But they are resilient. They will be ok eventually.

YOU are not doing anything to the children by 'uprooting' them. He has done this, not you. You simply have to deal with a situation that has been thrust upon you.

You are going to have to make some difficult decisions and whatever happens, your children are going to be upset. But remember when he throws: "why are you doing this?" in your face....You have not caused this. He has.

Where is he now?

Is there any point in trying to persuade him to stay? Once he's reached this point is that it?

Whether you want to try to persuade him or not is really up to you. Whether there is any point is really up to him. I wouldn't want to know, personally.

Two of my LTRs ended in partners cheating. They each wanted to come back and I refused them both times. I didn't find it easy but for me, it was the right choice.

Initially, I did still love them but that feeling was 'residual'. A genuine feeling doesn't tend to just stop and perform a u-turn! However, my feelings did soon turn into something else.

When you are able to consider this more clearly and from a less shocked, confused state, try to think with your head, not your heart. Is who he's become really who you want to be with? Don't rush your decision.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is indescribably painful but you will get through it and there is happiness the other side, one way or another.

Thank you all for so much good advice, this is a long night. I told him to leave and he has gone to stay with a friend. I cannot bear to stay in Germany as it has taken me a long time to feel at home here. Although there are many positives I could not stay for him. It seems so daunting now and I am feeling bereft. I will try to talk to him to ask about taking the children. Any advice on how to tell the children?
Your help is so valuable, thank you

I am so sorry to hear your story birgettestyle. How awful to not only betray you like that, but also your daughter and her friend. You must feel bereft, what a terrible shock. I have no practical advice but just wanted to offer some sympathy

Just typed a giant comment, which has been swallowed, but in essence:

If you want to return with your children to England, you need to act now and file for divorce in England before your STBX files in Germany. Which he probably will do, if he would prefer the children to stay there.

Find a specialist international family lawyer, with experience of both jurisdictions. The website for the International Association of Family Lawyers has a free online directory.

To divorce in England, you'll need to prove habitual residence and domicile (Google them) despite leaving 11 years ago.

The quickest way to ensure that your children stay in Germany will be to remove them without your STBX's permission. The German court will order their return quicker than you can say "international child abduction".

I would recommend the book by Marilyn Stowe, which has an international family law section and costs 99p on Kindle.

Sorry to contradict Tigersmoke, but wherever the divorce takes place has nothing to do with child abduction (just as where you got married doesn't have anything to do with it, nor whether the children are registered as citizens in either country). All that matters is where the children's place of "habitual residence" is considered to be, and whether you have the other parent's permission to remove the children from it.

However, you should definitely get advice from German and UK divorce lawyers too. It may be the case that it would work in your favour in terms of financial settlement to have the divorce governed by one or other of those two jurisdictions. Within the EU "first past the post" wins, meaning that whichever jurisdiction a divorce is filed in first will take precedence over any subsequent divorce filing in another EU jurisdiction.

As Tigersmoke states above, you will need to prove residence or domicile in order to file in the UK (for residence I was told that I needed to have re-living in the UK for at least six months before filing so I ended up relying on domicile).

I am trying to get my head around this and haven't slept. I feel constantly sick.It looks like I need to move quickly as I think he is up to something.
I just cannot bear the thought of having to stay here with the kids when all I want to do is run. I would like to file in the uk as my german is terrible and I would really struggle.
I had never even given it a thought that this could happen. I thought we were happy. I will have to face her at the school gates every day the children go to school

The selfishness of them both is unbelievable. Your poor daughter and her friend .

I hope someone can give you some advice to assist soon. Has your "D"H offered any solutions? How does he see the separation working?

No solutions which makes me think he has planned something. He is coming round now. The OW also has 3 children, the littlest is 1 year old

I have to say I do wonder whether you could stay in Germany but somewhere else? Could your mother or other family come and stay with you for support?

Deep breaths. Don't promise anything. Stay calm. X

Goodness. Has she left her partner also? What a mess . I hope he feels guilty and I hope he considers how impossible your situation is. Maybe he will agree to your moving back home and him seeing the kids regularly? ?

From what you say your husband may well be fine about you moving with the children. If he wants to end the marriage and has met someone else he obviously wants to move on straight away.

If you don't want to stay in Germany then come back to the uk. I agree that you should do that sooner rather than later.

Dear op, so sorry this is happening. I haven't got any practical advice but as a German who lives in the uk, I just felt really pissed of at the behaviour of your h. What an utterly despicable thing to do and how utterly selfish and 'cheap' I find the behaviour of him and his ow.

I would also recommend dealing with this head on. How far is the nearest big town? Can you get hold of an English lawyer there? Yy to asking a trusted friend or family member to visit you and help look after the children so that you can focus on your next steps and get some moral support?

From the tone of your posts I get the feeling ( I might be wrong!) that your h might not expect you to put up a fight and is used to getting his way. Having a member of your family stay with you will make you seem less vulnerable in his eyes, you need all the backup and support now.

Let me know if there is anything I can help you with German speaker.

xxxxxxx

*with German speaker.
As a German speaker, sorry . It's too early and have had no

You can't possibly deal with all of this alone op.
Please tell someone nearby what you are going through, support can come from the most unlikely places.

I am very angry on your behalf.
Try to get some answers today.
How long has it been going on?
What are his plans and what would he like to happen?

Is he remorseful-will he support you and your children to repatriate?

No one deserves to be treated this way.
There is a special place in hell reserved for people who treat others so appallingly.

I think Germany have very special rules re keeping german nationals at "home", from my cousin's experience.
you could try & ask for recommendation for a bilingual lawyer here:germany.angloinfo.com

OP, my dh is German, I am English. When my DH and his first wife divorced, he signed permission for her to take their child back to her home country within EU. This was back in 1998 but it backs up what others have said - do not remove the children without his permission.
With regard to registering the marriage in this country, my dh and I were married in england two years ago and he has since been to try to register the marriage here, concerned about rights if one of us dies, wills, etc. He was told there was no legal reason to need to register an English marriage here, so he got reassurance at the Standesamt but did nothing concrete.
A German lawyer, especially one specialising in international family law, will speak English - I think you have nothing to fear on the language front. My general sense (although not personal experience and I am not a lawyer) is that you may be better off divorcing here, and you don't need to be here to do it. You will be sympathetically treated but get the best lawyer you can. You can't just get the older two kids enrolled in English schools by next week anyway so it may be you need to sit it out here for at least another term. Is there anyone English speaking here you can rely on? Wish I could help more, I am only here until Thursday but feel free to pm.
Your dh may be very tax sensitive - if so, he will know that he does not get tax relief on maintenance paid for children living abroad, even if they are his own and may for this reason alone want to keep them here. I would make a big play very early on to get him to sign the agreement to remove them if you are sure you would be happier long term in England, before he has checked this out.

Good luck, stay brave, don't agree to anything rash, try to get some sleep. These days will pass darling. So sorry you are going through this.

I'm sorry to hear this

I can't help on the legal stuff, but this:

He has pin nos and access codes to my accounts here which I don't really understand.

really alarmed me.

Make sure you change all your pin numbers and access to your accounts NOW

Good luck - I hope you manage to sort things out asap

I have just done this. Was living abroad in another country (not Germany).
I did what however suggested and took advantage of the fact he was feeling guilty and was in lust, I got him to sign an informal document, between the two of us, saying he would allow me to return to the UK to live with our children. I also signed something that he added to the document, which is that I would not pursue him for money. This suited me fine.
I scarpered with my children to my mothers and have managed to get them enrolled in a UK school. As far as I know, you have to be in England 6 weeks before the Hague convention can no longer be put into practice. In other words, if he doesn't claim them within 6 weeks then you are home and dry. But there may be ways for him to work round it. If you can get his permission to leave, GO. NOW.

Because of our informal agreement (on account of him feeling guilty) there was no need for any lawyers

Can you return to the UK? He must have thought of this? If you can, get flights booked and go. Take all essential paperwork and change all your passwords. Take screen shots of everything if you can't take originals. Take as much money as you can. Pack everything essential. Consider shipping a few boxes of toys.

In the UK, immediately book your children into nursery or school, look for a job if you can, and start to establish a settled routine for them which is very important for them, plus helps towards establishing a place of residencey. Apply for benefits and see a soliciotor ASAP with experience of this. Google ones in your area and go and see them for your free 30 mins. ( don't worry if you overrun)

Get a permanent address, either by renting or staying with parents and being on the electoral role.

The other option is to stay in Germany and wait for the divorce to be finalised and financial settlement made. This could take months and months and your children will be more established there. He may stop you leaving. You just don't know.

Document everything from now on.

You can file in the UK. Just do it ASAP. Before him. You don't have to tell him you've filed straightway.
You don't have to be in the UK to file, call a UK lawyer today near where your parents live or wherever you are going and get moving. UK law is much more advantageous.

He's way ahead of you in terms of thinking and decisions. He's known about this for ages. Don't discuss anything with him at all, and find the passports and put them somewhere very safe indeed.