2015! A fresh start! Anyone leaving there partner in the new year? Can we support each other?

[Happyandsimple]

H everyone, I wondered if there are others who are leaving there partners in the new year? I feel so alone, and would like to meet others, know what steps your taking, what stage your on? have you told your partners its over? Do you know were you will be going? Just thought it would be nice to support each other through this. Because momments, I feel weak and almost change my mind. but I know this is for the best for me

First of , I am sorry if you are in this situation. I am planning to leave my husband in the new year, I'm a mum of 2, and my marriage is most definitely over due to Domestic Abuse. and my husband draining me financially and every other way. working 50 hours a week doing 2 jobs. studying,. while he just works 4 days a week. I'm exhausted , and suddenly realized I am worth more.

Hope to hear from you soon :) x

raises hand me too! When he isn't around me I feel so fucking excited you wouldn't believe...when he is around I'm just full of dread of the it's over argument (I would say conversation -Ha!) Woke up last night and he had his hand round my neck. He reckons he was asleep and knew nothing, but the way he is it just wouldn't surprise me. He hates my guts for being me and not folding under his emotional abuse. Onwards and upwards

Hello All,

Ever I have days when I feel quite positive and feel I shall cope, other days when I am eaten up with anxiety about what will be. Wondering if I will cope with everything on my own. But I am realising that most of the anxiety stems from treading on egg shells around him. Worrying about bills, money, childcare etc,..on my own might actually be a doddle compared to this.

Ronald that sounds awful, you and your dcs will absolutely be happier without him.

Turning that sounds good, at least you will also have a friend for company and support that way.

Bee I know how that feels. He has gone off to work today, I can breathe. I feel so much happier when he isn't here.

We tried to talk yesterday but it goes round in circles. He knows I don't want this anymore but I am afraid to say it out loud. Last time back in August when I said I couldn't keep trying, he was so horrid that now I just feel afraid. However I know I shall feel more confident when I have shared this in RL and plan to tell my friends, have told my father, and I have saved a bit of money. He says he loves me and he is now trying very hard to be helpful, kind and supportive. But he could have been all those things for the last nine years had he wanted, he wasn't and he didn't.

Can I join in? I split from my dp after catching her with another man..... twice....I'm feeling very alone but can't face another relationship at the moment. Luckily my daughter stays with me most of the time and gives me a reason to keep going.

Here are my two previous threads www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1680534-Is-he-depressed-jekyll-and-hyde-or-just-an-arse

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1992235-Im-back-its-worse-I-need-MN-Please

I am so ashamed to read them back and realise I am still in the same hopeless state. Even only this morning he again mentioned my 21 year ago one night stand as I was in tears over his behaviour towards me in the car (with DCs in the car too).

I did see solicitor back in the summer, so have some idea of what is needed. Unfortunately, he found the letter that the solicitor sent me post meeting (even though it had been sent p&c to work) and this has served for him to accuse me of keeping things from him (was I supposed to ask his permission first to see a solicitor?!) and just being even more paranoid.

So so fed up.

Hello. I hope I can join? I am sorry to read all your comments . Here is to you all for a happy new year 2015. My partner of 18 months told me today ... He is reflecting over the next few days as to what he wants for his future etc.... what makes him happy etc... He will let me know on new years eve his decision .....

Am having a wobble.....I dont know if I am making a mistake by leaving. I think about how he behaved over xmas and I really dont want to be with someone like that but now he is asking for another chance.....how many chances can I give?

Hi Andrea, what do you want? I dont like the idea of you passively waiting for him to decide what he wants to do.....

Sorry, not feeling overly strong enough to reply individually but just wanted to say hang on in there, stick to your gut inner voice and things HAVE to get better, we deserve it x

Andrea, I would make the decision for him. 18 months in you should still be in the honeymoon period. Sounds like he likes the drama.

Olderguy, that is awful. Do you have any RL support, other than your daughter?

Count me in. Been getting my ducks in a row for a while now. 2015 will be the year I get my freedom - after 16 years I'm only 33!

Turning I have wobbled all the time but I try to keep the overall picture in mind.

Andrea will you really just let him decide? Not sure I could, it must feel dreadful having that hang over you.

We had upsetting news yesterday. His gran has died. It was expected but still now is not the time to try and talk to him Not sure what is reasonable length of time, but I have to see CA and get some advice from WTC and Student loan company to see how the land will lie financially before I start the conversation. In the past he has refused to consider leaving.

ScOO just had a quick read of your threads, I really feel for you. I don't think its wrong to try and make things work or take your time and be absolutely certain. I have tried for nine years knowing in my heart that I wasn't happy but its taken me nine years to feel enough is enough. He is never going to let go of this one slight, after 21 years it really should be buried. If he can't put it aside its now because he wants to use it as a stick to beat you with.

After 30 years, since we were 17, have 4 children 8-16. He has had my teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, my mental & physical health, then thwarted my ambitions, dreams and financial security. He is a passive aggressive man-child - and I am a co-dependent optimist. I have run this ship solo with his deliberate undermining and I am now exhausted. I have asked him to fix himself - supported him by handing him the tools - he has chosen not to pick these up. He will not leave - as we have been at this point many, many times before. He just goes quiet, lays low until the dust settles - and just carries on as before. We have had separate bedrooms for last 5 months. I have quite a lot of financial stuff to push through before we can separate. My biggest fear is that my older sons will hate me as it is 100% my choice and they will detach emotionally from me and go to live with their Dad. Also how and where we will live as we are in so much debt already....there is not enough for STBXH to rent a room...so house will need to be sold.

Me too! I am waiting until after new year and I am such a chicken I have written a letter telling him I want out. He is a very difficult man, unpredictable, moody, high expectations of everyone except himself, lazy, depressed, unmotivated, freeloading..... I could go on. Not violent though.

It had taken me a year to pluck up the courage but I don't want to be unhappy anymore. He shouts at the kids, my DD (14) regularly tells me she hates him. I have somehow ended up with a man cut from the same cloth as my father and I don't want her to end up like that. I also want my DS (8) to be a kind, caring, emotionally aware, affectionate man.

I am fortunate that I am the breadwinner. He decided 4 years ago to become self employed and I have supported us ever since. So I am going to give him some money to get a flat and if he refuses to leave then I will take the kids and rent a house and leave him to pay for everything associated with the house until it gets repossessed.

It has taken me a year to get my head around the fact that we can split up. I went into this marriage accepting that it was forever and it has taken a while to change that mindset.

Christmas was awful as usual. He is always grumpy, shouting at the kids when they are so excited. I paid for everything and had to ask if he was going to give me any money towards it. He did begrudgingly.

I am sooo scared of how he will react, it is a complete unknown.

So here's to a shitty few months but light at the end of the tunnel

Hi Happyandsimple

Good luck, stay strong and focussed and you can do it

Read your thread yesterday and was gobsmacked about the shelter after you had left and had to go back

Stay focussed and you can do it

We are here when you need help and encouragement

Happyandsimple I also read your previous post about the shelter and you seem to be slightly more positive in this thread. How are things? Did you have to go home in the end?

I really hope that things get sorted out for you and everyone else that is planning on going through this.

Had an unexpected confrontation, the pressure cooker finally exploded. H then said he'd leave. I agreed to it. I thought that was it, then he asked that I meet him. He then started to plead with me emotionally and when I stood my ground about us parting, he threatened then attempted suicide twice. After the second threat, I stood my ground and told him, with many tears, again that it's over. He became angry then and unfortunately my DC came home and he brought my eldest into it AGAIN. I caved in :( I feel manipulated, yet I believe him when I say he's going to seek therapy and make major changes.

Part of me wants to give it a go, I'm seeing the side I married, that I haven't seen in a long time. Another part feels bad because I don't want to give any more confusion to the kids.

I feel very emotional and traumatised by this turn of events, I know that somehow I need to heal from what I saw. What a fucking mess this all is. :(

Me too. Finally found the strength. He's making my life even more hell since I told him we're done. But I have to leave or i'll end up killing him, or me, or both of us. Enough.

2015 will be my year.

despicable -- it is usual to take 2 steps forward and one step back in these situations and this is what has happened to you here.

Re-read you earlier post and you will remember why you are doing this and re-read Lundy and you will understand that the abuse and bullying is continuing but now it is emotional desperation for his benefit not your or your boys - threatening suicide, involving an innocent child etc,

He does need counselling not to save his marriage but for the rest of his life to be a co-parent with you and have a healthy relationship with his children.

He is not doing counselling now for your benefit or to make to marriage better - he is doing it to save his neck so that he can continue to live at home.

You need counselling to understand yourself and get through this. You have been knocked down, dragged back in....take a breadth, centre your self and get back up again.

somethingtodo thank you for replying.

We've been talking a lot and he is saying all the right things. I really don't know what I want anymore. Can he change? Will it be enough for me? Will be arranging for counselling for myself asap. I've never been in such a situation.

Words are easy .... is he doing all the right things?
Actions speak louder than words etc - this isnt the first time you have asked him to change his behavior and he has chosen not to do it. If you feel he deserves another chance to change - then watch his actions like a hawk.

And keep a close monitor on your feelings. Then you will know if his efforts to turn around entrenched abusive behaviors is enough for you - or if it is too little, too late.

Keep LB book close by as a constant ref resource.

I am documenting the passive aggressive abuse from my STBXH as they can be hard to quantify and qualify one by one...I call it

"The Little Book of Ct"

Means that I can see in totality the death by a thousand cuts and that each of these are not minimised and I am not distracted or deluded to what is exactly going on.

The Little Book of C*t"

but I suppose "The Little Book of Cuts" would suffice!

Somethingtodo "Little Book of C**t" - Love it!

I know I will get some eye rolling but he really seems sincere (never really seemed to care before) and knows exactly what he has done wrong, seemingly for the first time. Yes I shall watch very closely. I need to look after myself first and foremost, and my DC.

To anyone else, I thoroughly recommend Lundy Bancroft's books. Get a Kindle copy if you're worried he may find it. But read and absorb the principles.

I'm a man. I think I'm going to leave my wife this year. I'm very fond of her, and there's no bitterness or hate or anything like that there. I just don't love her in that way. We've had some good times and we've had some harder times, most of which have been my fault (I have an MH condition and that has precipitated some fuckups). She's supported me consistently, and has been wonderful. She's an amazing mother to our two DDs. But we've never had mindblowing wonderful times. I've never truly looked at her and thought, "God, I adore this woman, she's the centre of everything." Christ, I hate feeling that, it's an appalling admission. I've only got myself to blame, but my only excuse is that I was so young when we married. And I can't call it a mistake, because to regret it is to regret the children, who are my world.

You have no idea how guilty I feel at not being happy with this lovely woman, but I'm not. And I'm not getting any younger, and my entire adult life has been spent in a marriage that has never been quite right for me. It's time I stopped this.

I'm terrified.

Welcome fulb

Do you think your DW has any idea that you are unhappy? How do you think she will react?

I can totally relate to you on the terrified front.