2015! A fresh start! Anyone leaving there partner in the new year? Can we support each other?

[Happyandsimple]

H everyone, I wondered if there are others who are leaving there partners in the new year? I feel so alone, and would like to meet others, know what steps your taking, what stage your on? have you told your partners its over? Do you know were you will be going? Just thought it would be nice to support each other through this. Because momments, I feel weak and almost change my mind. but I know this is for the best for me

First of , I am sorry if you are in this situation. I am planning to leave my husband in the new year, I'm a mum of 2, and my marriage is most definitely over due to Domestic Abuse. and my husband draining me financially and every other way. working 50 hours a week doing 2 jobs. studying,. while he just works 4 days a week. I'm exhausted , and suddenly realized I am worth more.

Hope to hear from you soon :) x

wewillmendit - will you have the house signed and sealed when you tell him? Do you own a martial home together ? Have you already taken legal advice as many on here have been given legal advice to stay in marital home if jointly owned. But you sound relieved and in control and you will not be held back - if they wont or dont want to fix it what can they expect to happen?

Donatello68 - wow a long relationship to extract yourself from but you sound sorted. Best of luck and holding your hand here.

I think that when you get to this stage you have already done everything you can emotionally to save the marriage and you know that you have detached from the marriage and you know it is over and best for all is separation.

But there are still so many logistical steps to address, legal milestones to address and areas to negotiate with STBXH (split of assets, access to children, where everyone will be housed, child maintenance) that require herculean emotional efforts and focus to get through to the other side.

Yes, the house is already signed for. I'm renting initially.
I have had legal advice, as the house is in h's name but will be a marital asset. So legally I am entitled to a proportion of it.
However, I want for dd to have somewhere decent to go to when she sees her dad. Plus I'm not really interested in what is legally mine. I need to keep things amicable for dd, and h is due to retire in a few years so he wouldn't be able to buy me out.
As long as he agrees to pay me an agreed lump sum, and pays his way for dd, which is something he has never done before, that will be enough for me.

Good luck Donatello, you sound very focused. It will carry you through these next months I'm sure.

Thanks wewillmendit. I have now filed for divorce. My DH will get a letter from my solicitor on Thursday. I will be at work all day and not home until late. Dreading it!! My solicitor has advised mediation to sort out the finances. This would be really helpful for you 'wewillmendit'. It should help you get a fair settlement for you and your DD.

www.womansdivorce.com/emotional-stages-of-divorce.html

divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingandemotionalissue/f/stagesofgrief.htm

Couple of links that I found supportive - on the emotional stages of divorce - as we are often too focused on the logistics and legal aspects - I hope this hops to put into perspective the journey we are on.

Anyone else want to join the discussion or update - I have just realised that I have survived my first half term - feels like a significant milestone - friend called today and said that I was the brightest he has seen me in years -- kids are doing fine - I am keeping a close eye on them and well aware that there might be a delayed reaction. But I have learnt on here that how we behave a as X-P will determine how the dc cope....so the civil receptionist smile is the order of the day. thanks for everyones support on this and my other threads

Sorry I've not been back. Feel really miserable and don't want to bring anyone down. I've completely lost my focus/momentum. Seems like stbxdp's cancer is genuine albeit an easily treatable type with an excellent prognosis.

having supported him through severe depression and anxiety as well as numerous other problems this just feels like a burden too many. Especially as I don't love him anymore.

Donatello - hope all is ok with you after ex receiving the solicitors letter.

I told my husband yesterday that our marriage was in trouble and I couldn't see it surviving. He was devastated and kept saying that it (a separation) would ruin him emotionally and financially. He kept saying he'd do anything to keep me, that he loves me, couldn't bear to lose the children, I feel terrible and don't want to hurt him but it just doesn't change the way I feel.

We are now in a weird limbo, I don't know how to be around him don't know what to say. I have agreed to go to relate, he is really trying but I kind of feel trapped all over again.

It took a long time to pluck up the courage to tell him how I felt and we are sort of 'trying' to make it work but I don't really want to, but he is so heartbroken. He has few friends and his life was us - what can I do?

Guyfawk - it is never a a straight line we are all inching along - going off at a tangents etc. Keep your eyes on the prize - you need to keep planning and taking steps to get out. An easily treatable cancer with a good prognosis will be dealt with quickly and he is unlikely to be v unwell during this time. If you feel the need to provide compassion and limited support through this time you can do this in parallel to moving your life on anything else is false and FOG which is wrong.

Serpentina Only you now how you really feel and if you have been feeling detached for some time....why has he not noticed? You are further down the path than he is - has ignored this? He needs to catch up and/or you need to meet in the middle. He cannot trap you in a marriage by being desperate/heartbroken.

I am intrigued that he says that a separation would ruin him emotionally and financially - does this mean he has already thought this through?

Have you discussed your issues together before? - are there specific things that need fixing - is he up for addressing these? Do you not want the marriage to survive or do you believe it is not possible for it t survive whatever changes are put in place?

Maybe you could look at Relate that you are providing him with a "right to reply" opportunity in a safe calm environment - if you believe he deserves this and you want to do it - but you know that this is only going one way.

He is in his late 50s and we have a vast mortgage. We were always going to have to downsize if he retired as I can't support us with my salary. He feels that he has no time to catch up financially due to his age. I am younger and I think he saw me as his pension plan.

To be honest, he must have known in his heart that (a) the marriage was having problems and (b) that there would be a financial problems if we split up but I think he literally ignored them so completely that it has come as a massive shock to him.

In my heart I would like to separate, live close so that he can see the kids and ideally for him to find someone else and be happy. But he says he doesn't want anyone else but me.

Serpentina - sorry but you have nothing to be loyal to or feel FOG about...you are not his pension plan - that is disgusting - are you to be his carer as well? and even if he thought you were his pension plan he did not tend to his investment very well.....it is not a shock - he knows as he has all the figures worked out - he just actively chose not to deal with issues - maybe that avoidance means he is not happy either. Rise above his emotional blackmail comments - look for the evidence in actions.

If you live in SE might well be prudent to downsize that hefty mortgage now - all I read about is the erosion of house prices.

Has he been divorced before and have ongoing financial commitments?

Happiness today is worth more than any potential financial profit in the future. Your children only have one short childhood which moulds them - let that be with a happy loving Mum - not with a distracted and sad one. There is no rush to do this -- it is a process with many twists and turns - but you know in your heart that it is going in one direction.

I'm really pleased to hear how well you are getting on Somethingtodo ??. It certainly gives the rest of us hope!! My ex received the letter from my solicitor yesterday. I came home from work expecting a row but, when I got in the letter was still on the side and he was being overly nice. Initially, I thought that he hadn't read the letter but, when I looked at the envelope and it had been opened & resealed. He received the court papers today. These too seem to have been opened & resealed. He has now gone to collect DCs and to pick up a takeaway to celebrate the DCs being on half term. I have just walked in the house and there is a large bouquet of flowers and presents with my name on. He has also gone and bought a car today. Not sure what to do now. He is in complete denial!! Help!!!

Donatello - no he is not in complete denial - he is continuing to EA you - deception and the charm - the usual cycle....what happens now in the usual well worn script of your EA marriage? Will he stare you out until you ask about the letter? What is required of him in the letter? Do YOU need to discuss anything with him - or is he required to respond to a solicitor? These EA types are not worth talking to - they waste time and bully you but they are not above the law

Thanks Somethingtodo - you are completely right! I was expecting swearing & screaming - actually, thinking about it - I would have preferred it - to the 'incredibly nice'treatment. He needs to get a solicitor and file a response to the divorce petition. I suspect that he won't though. My solicitor has assured me that the divorce will go ahead anyway. In fact, his failure to respond will go against him on the 'unreasonable behaviour' front. How is your divorce going?

A horrendous evening here, a huge argument escalating over nothing resulting in xdp raising a fist to me whilst I was holding dd. Still shaking a bit now.

I don't think he'd hit me - mostly because he knows full well that I would absolutely prosecute. But he's not a small man and can be very intimidating.

My instinct is to get out of the house, but I'm worried he'll just take dd whenever he likes. She's so attached to me I really worry about how she'd cope.

I hate this limbo. I want my life/dd's life to start.

That is terrible guyfawk. Is there anywhere that you can go? Speak to WA, they will be able to advise you. I was scared for years and overthought every outcome. I feel more in control now. The next 6 months will be hideous but, it is the begining of the end. Go and see a solicitor. It will help you get direction.

Guyfawk

How are things now - are you and your dd safe?

Raising a fist is intimidation and a threat of violence, and is considered DV and a crime - especially in front of your child.

You should report that to the police if you are in fear of your safety. You should also report this to your solicitor.

Do not leave you child with this thug.

Had a horrible day today. Went out on my own shopping, not in mood, mooched around lonely and it gave me an insight into how alone he would be if we left, all those hours without another person. I cried in the car asking myself how I could do this.

He's not a bad man and I really can't bear the thought of him heartbroken and lonely but I don't think I'd be happy if I stayed, don't know what to do :-(

Hi, we're ok today. Virtually no contact with xp which has helped. I'm not in immediate fear of him (not least because my next door neighbours are police detectives) but I'm so worried about dd's mental health, she's becoming such a troubled little girl :(

serpentina - It is a hard path to navigate - but you will find your way. You cannot run from your heart.

You are already "heartbroken and lonely" in this marriage - and he must be as well if he was honest. You cannot live a lie because of FOG.

It is not a straight line, there is no schedule, no ETA. I read somewhere that many couples separated 3 times before divorcing.

Think ahead in 5 year blocks. You will be x years old, children y years old and he will be z years old. If he is retired, becomes ill and you are his carer whilst working FT to bring home the bacon as well as single handedly managing teens you will need a lot of love for him to motivate you through.

What are the issues? Are they fixable?

I've been trying to have a read of various peoples experiences tonight. my situation is thst I've been with my husband 12 years, married not even a year. we have two children 4 and 1. we've just been away for the night and I've come back feeling we are very much just friends. we own a house and in no way is he a bad guy. he's a good man and father. he's just generally very intolerant and he's a perfectionist and as someone with very low self esteem this has worn me down. I'm depressed and not interested in any kind of physical relationship, we tried last night and it was so awkward. we've slept in different rooms for 5 years. I'm very fond of him but I don't love him anymore and I suspects he feels the same deep down. I've talked to him about this 3 or 4 times and he's always persuaded me to stay. but I think this is more that he doesn't want to live seperately from the kids and he's a responsible guy. I'm desperately unhappy and gave been for years. I have such a strong urge to be on my own just now, perhaps we do have a future but not like this!

The tension is so terrible. We have an appointment on Thursday to go to Relate. I told him our relationship is 50/50 but if I had the courage I would tell him it's over. It's not that I'm scared of him, I'm scared of his reaction, I feel I would be leaving him with nothing, no kids, insufficient money, no company. How does a man survive that? I know it's happened to lots of people but I don't know if I can be responsible for his unhappiness even though I would be better myself

Ladylou His intolerence and perfectionism is controlling and bullying and this is emotional abuse that has you left subjugated and diminished.

This behavior is a form of covert abuse. When someone hits you or screams at you, you know that you’ve been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be "normal" or even, at times loving, responsible and caring.

A good man and a good father does not abuse and disrespect the mother of his children this way. You are well and truly emotionally divorced already and the night away shows that there is no way back. Your children a deserve a better mother than the one walking on egg shells, distracted from their care by trying to please this impossible unpleasable man.....and you to deserve a happy full life without this covert abuse dragging you down. You and your children will have a much better life.

serpentina - the Dad's relationship with the NRP is always the biggest block. I took inspiration from a MNer who has her XH to dinner with the kids every evening as the divorce was amicable. I tried this - could not do the dinner bit - but STBXH comes every evening 7-8.30 to hang out with the kids - I make myself scarce - currently holed up in my bedroom reading self help books & MN - but plan to use this time to go to the gym, out for a walk etc. Asked v tricky dd13 last night how whe was feeling 6 weeks into the separation. She said fine as nothing has changed for her. She even told me her Dad told her he was happier has he could now go for a run every morning as didnt have to get involved in breakfast, packed lunch and getting 4 dc dropped to school. The routine has changed/evolved over the last 6 weeks (from 7-8.30 M-F & 9-9 Sun to dropping the Fri night - I need some space and cutting Sun down to 12-6)
My point is that the bleak every other weekend access plan is not the only way.

Our routine has minimised any impact on the kids as they see him (almost) everyday - and was an important part of getting my v stubborn STBXH to leave the house.

Staying with someone for pity or money is like being buried alive - it is no life - it will corrode your soul - you will not have the best possible emotional relationship with your children....and they will have it modelled for them that you should stay in a bad relationship.

My relationship with each of my 4 dc has become enriched over just these 6 short weeks - our home is calm and relaxed. We are still finding our feet and a bit in shock - but soon I will be injecting fun into the household - something not possible in the past as I was so entrenched and drained by my dysfunctional relationship with STBXH - I will now have more emotional energy to pour love and happiness on to them.

It is better on the other side. I like the comment from a PP up thread....we are inching along on the high diving board - one day we will jump off - not sure when not sure what will be the final straw - maybe just getting your ducks in a row, seeing what is possible in the future, being clear that children are much better being from a broken home than being in a broken home -- but most importantly walking free of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - that holds us back, chain us and are not valid reasons to live a life of despair.

How are we all getting on? Anyone else ruminating and want to share thoughts / get support?

First school holiday for us as a separated family. STBXH texted me last week to say that he was taking 2 days off this week to be with the kids. I thought great - will go and see a mate and stay over night. Then it transpires that his plan was to take the 2 girls out on Tues and the 2 boys out on Wed - so I had no time off at all!!! Life with the irresponsible man-child continues.....

fabulous to read this and see that it is possible to 'come out the other side' - why do we put up with them for so long?
Has anyone who's left their husband started another relationship? I worry that when I am on my own I wont want to risk going into another bad one?