2015! A fresh start! Anyone leaving there partner in the new year? Can we support each other?

[Happyandsimple]

H everyone, I wondered if there are others who are leaving there partners in the new year? I feel so alone, and would like to meet others, know what steps your taking, what stage your on? have you told your partners its over? Do you know were you will be going? Just thought it would be nice to support each other through this. Because momments, I feel weak and almost change my mind. but I know this is for the best for me

First of , I am sorry if you are in this situation. I am planning to leave my husband in the new year, I'm a mum of 2, and my marriage is most definitely over due to Domestic Abuse. and my husband draining me financially and every other way. working 50 hours a week doing 2 jobs. studying,. while he just works 4 days a week. I'm exhausted , and suddenly realized I am worth more.

Hope to hear from you soon :) x

Hi balders. Yes, I think she knows I'm not happy. Our sex life - how did you guess - is non-existent; I'm not attracted to her sexually and find it very hard to respond to her in that way. For many years she didn't want sex and when she eventually rediscovered her drive, I had lost interest.

Her reaction? She'll be devastated. She depends on me in a way that I can't reciprocate. By which I don't mean she's a pushover or pathetic or anything: I am the emotional support that a partner is supposed to be. She's a very strong and together person. But I don't rely on her for emotional support; in some ways, despite being quite demonstrative, I suppose I can be quite a self-sufficient and even cold person. She needs me, or seems to. I don't need her back. And it's killing me - but you can't stay with someone you're not in love with just because they need you. Can you?

First time on Mumsnet. I thought I might find comfort from people in the same boat as me, instead it's upsetting that so many others are hurting.

Fulbs post is one with which I identify. I suspect your Wife knows how you feel. I think my Partner feels (roughly) the same as you. It's sad how such circumstances come about. Whilst no ill will was intended, your actions will devastate. To add to the dilemma, a lack of action is even worse. Have you considered telling her how you feel with a view to saving the relationship - sounds odd but sometimes saying such things results in you feeling the opposite e.g. confessing to a crush on someone else can extinguish the flame? If you leave and have a succession of awful Girlfriends will you look back with rose-tinted glasses and regret? I wish you and your Wife happiness - be sure to tell her every single one of the positive things you have said about her on here, she deserves to hear it.

I myself am unsure what lies ahead for me and mine. Just now it feels like years of arguing followed by separation. Sadly, I know of only one happy couple. I can't fathom out why I ever invested so much faith and effort into finding someone I could live in harmony with.

Best wishes to all who have posted.

Fulb I am so sorry to hear your despair.

Is it a case of her making you unhappy by what she does or what she doesnt do?

Are you unhappy with all of your life or just your relationship?

What are your expectations for a long term relationship and are they realistic?

Do you believe that only YOU are 100% responsible for your baseline, internal happiness and that a relationship, children, friends etc only add to that and are the icing on the cake.

Do you care for your wife?

This last Q was the decider for me - I have wrestled with the "Do I love this man?" question for many years and was lost in FOG that I should stay even if I was unable to answer "Yes" -- but I was able to answer "No" to the "Do I care for this person"

Oh I am having a wobble! Life is so complicated. He was such an arse earlier I was ready to give him the letter but then his Mum text and asked if we wanted to go for dinner tomorrow, which stopped me in my tracks.

Took DS out for a bit & when we came back H was being fine. We've watched a film altogether and all is peaceful. If only it could be like this all the time but I know it will be back to normal soon enough.

So we're off to dinner tomorrow at his parents. He will be an arse, they always bring the worst out in him, which will be lovely.

Just need to get this over and done with but it is so difficult to set that ball rolling.

Hi, how is everyone? Well we tried to make another go of things, and we're getting on pretty well. Now he's told me he doesn't want this any more, doesn't love me and hasn't for months. Oh well.
Unfortunately, the house is all in his name, Im Staying with my parents with the kids, and he wants all my stuff gone by next month. Great.
What an arsehole.

Happened sooner than I thought. Had a big row on Wed - I asked him to leave by weekend - he resisted / refused as he has done for at least the last 10 - so I took back the power....told the children that evening when we were all having dinner without consulting him first - as he stonewalls me at every turn. Bit of a risk but he did not kick off. He moved out on Fri night. Kids are v angry with me - but I need to weather this storm as I know that I will literally cease to exist if this miserable toxic situation continues to corrode my soul any further - I am a shadow of my former self. For now he comes every evening 7-8 and he is here all day sat and sun whilst I leave the hosue. We are only on day 2 today and the plan is that the children are least disrupted. so for them the only real change is that he isnt sleeping here and they dont see him in th emorning.

My earlier post from Dec 30 below.
"After 30 years, since we were 17, have 4 children 8-16. He has had my teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, my mental & physical health, then thwarted my ambitions, dreams and financial security. He is a passive aggressive man-child - and I am a co-dependent optimist. I have run this ship solo with his deliberate undermining and I am now exhausted. I have asked him to fix himself - supported him by handing him the tools - he has chosen not to pick these up. He will not leave - as we have been at this point many, many times before. He just goes quiet, lays low until the dust settles - and just carries on as before. We have had separate bedrooms for last 5 months. I have quite a lot of financial stuff to push through before we can separate. My biggest fear is that my older sons will hate me as it is 100% my choice and they will detach emotionally from me and go to live with their Dad. Also how and where we will live as we are in so much debt already....there is not enough for STBXH to rent a room...so house will need to be sold."

Somethingtodo your post makes me feel like sobbing my heart out, the whole thread does. I'm an old hand at awful boyfriends. Whenever my Girlfriends used to complain about their Boyfriends shortcomings I would always be asked to tell one of mine. I had hundreds of unbelievable examples of men at their worst - they were so bad it was laughable. I'm new to Motherhood though. As I lie here feeding my baby Girl I can't think of anything worse than the actions you fear your Son's will take. I sincerely hope it isn't the case. However, I don't know of many men who actively pursue much of a relationship with their Mum's. I hate to sound sexist but I honestly don't. Try not to view your relationship through this lens. Perhaps much of it is down to boys being boys. Your their one and only Mum. They'll love you & grow to respect all you've done for them in time, as we all have with our Mums. You sound strong. Keep going. I can picture you happier than you've ever been come Summer - I hope you can too.

Fruityfruitfruit just had another quick read of thread. Missed your update yesterday; you've been busy. You sound quite blasé. I'm reading into that & assuming you've left things til there's genuinely no love left & it's not just words? It's the path I'm on. The house is in his name too, even though it was my life savings (before I met him) that paid the deposit. Should maybe change my user name to mug! Don't we have claim to a share of the house given our circumstances? I'm in Scotland so the law may be different here - fingers crossed. Hope your feeling ok & get settled into something that suits soon.

I guess you're right and there isn't any love there any more. Feels like I've just got a huge barrel of emotions. One minute I'm genuinely gutted our marriage is over, the next I'm happy that I no longer have to stay with him.
Like you, all my savings are gone, paid for the wedding, house things, paid his debts off and bought our car. He has left me financially fucked, won't give me any money to help with moving into somewhere new, I suppose he doesn't have to. I've asked him to sell the car and half the money (even though I paid for it all) so that I can afford deposits and things and he refuses.

Can I join in? Sorry you're all going through this. I'm hoping to leave too, after I caught dp cheating. We've been together 30 years. I can't afford to leave the family home yet, as it belongs to him. We have one dd, 13.

I have checked out emotionally, though, and I've kinda come to terms with things. I'm anxious and liberated simultaneously!

Hi

I've not read the full thread but wanted to place-mark & hopefully make some friends

I'll be leaving H in the very near future. We have a counselling session this week to discuss/mediate

It's been a long time coming, his EA has gone on for a long time & his recent affair has put the nail in the coffin & pushed me to my limits. Thank God!!!

I'm excited about leaving (with 2DC) and looking forward to the future. I know I'll have dark days but I know I'll never have to be treat like this again

So sorry to he about the affair, I recently found out my husband has been sleeping around behind my back too.
Sometimes I feel as though it's my fault and that I pushed him away and I know I'm being stupid and if anyone else ever said that I'd probably tell them to stop being ridiculous, but I can't help but feel responsible for some stupid reason.

Fruityfruitfruit it seems very unfair to me that he has no intentions of helping you financially to settle elsewhere. As hard as it is being financially strapped at least you have the future to look forward to; from now on you will reap the rewards of budgeting & saving. That wouldn't stop me from speaking to him from a stance of expecting help. He may be so perplexed at you speaking of it as a given he may relax his grip a little.
With regard to the other ladies & cheating being involved - ouch. I'd hate the thought of inadvertently crossing the other woman's paths. Sometimes you go for a pint of milk & get an emotional history slap - an old ghost lurking in every aisle, worst yet you've loaded the conveyor & the cashiers another bad memory. Guess there's a lot to be said for moving or home delivery. Glad everyone seems focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. As hard as it is, there's no point looking back - when you do it ends up being you that's hurting yourself - they're sitting watching TV somewhere, obvious & your crying for the tenth time about something that isn't worth all the time & emotion you've lent it.
It would be nice to hear some of the positive plans you guys have for your new lives. I should probably leave this thread as I'm focused on trying to build bridges. We've decided to start giving thanks before tea and to share the peak & pit of our day after. It's been really interesting & definitely brought us closer - so what if it was pinched from the Kardashians.

Hi,

Can I join in? I've also decided 2015 is the year I stop putting up with a shitty relationship. Stbxp is not being reasonable and so we're stuck living in the same house for now. So I've started the ball rolling with solicitors.

Can I just add for those of you who are married, it doesn't matter that the house is only in his name. All assets are considered part of the marriage and therefore owned by both of you. You can apply for an occupation order to stay in the house until the youngest child reaches 18

Just to say I am one week in. He left last Fri night - It was my call - I have had lots of lovely calm times with the children this week - I feel really OK apart from the dcs distress (not as much as I thought tho).

Seeing a solicitor on Monday - the practical stuff will just evolve and happen - but I know that I have made the best decision for the best emotional outcome for us all (including STBXH).

What has helped dcs I think is keeping the contact with STBXH maxed up - this may change and we can reduce over time - but for now it has made the transition better. He comes here every weekday evening 7-8.30 (I slope off) and then he is here all day sat and sun.....so only change for kids is they do not see him in the morning and he does not sleep here. But for me it is monumental - I am free of the toxic dysfunctional dynamic of the relationship sapping my energy - feel refreshed.

Guy gawk I am planning leaving my partner this year have set up savings a/c and should be gone by end of don't know if I can last that long he is a bully and emotional abuser everything is rules in the house kids can't eat in sitting room bed at 7 wants house clean all time feel like I'm gonna have mental breakdown I work full time my mam minds the kids be list without her,he goes out drinking with mates dosent come home I want out,he's name is on the house were not married any advice on that?

Sorry guyfawk

Hi Madi,
it'll be harder but not impossible to get something from the house. Most solicitors do a half hour free consultation so definitely take advantage. Having said that court fees are astronomical so think about if it's worth it.

You work fulltime and have no childcare costs so you're in a good financial position. Have you looked into mortgages/rent/benefits etc? You might be surprised what you can do on your own. He will still have to pay you maintenance too.

But go to a citizens advice or a solicitors and get a plan together.

Living with a bully is shit (I know!) so prioritise your own mental health. And get out as soon as you can.

Something - well done! I'm thrilled about you feeling so much better, that's what's keeping me going...

Hi all
I am also one week in. My h left last weekend. 25 years together. EA relationship. Two adult DS. Our life together has been an emotional rollercoaster which ended in me suffering panic attacks and anxiety. I hit rock bottom. We tried 18 months of relate which was a battle week on week. Advice he never took until I told him I had had enough and wanted out.

At that point he changed. All for the better. But the change was so drastic I didn't know if it was another tactic or calculated manipulation. I very nearly caved in. We didn't spend Xmas together which was tough and he moved out last weekend for a trial separation with no contact.

I work full time and am keeping busy. I have lots of support. I'm feeling a bit numb really

Funny well done. You have tried so so hard for so so long. I hope that you can look for some fun with friends and a sense of relief now that he is gone. How long do you plan to be trial sep for?

I wouldn't be entitled to benefits with working f/t he gone out drinking with he's mates prob won't come home I don't care me n kids get to be ourselves when he's not here,I think he knows I'm up to something I caught him looking through my handbag.

Something - thank you.
We had been living in the same house but sep bedrooms for 18 months. Last weekend was really tough, watching him pack suitcases. But this week I have been ok.
I thought that he would make excuses to keep popping in but he hasn't.
I have not been upset at all.
He started a course for domestic violence this week. It's a 26 week course so a big commitment. I can only wait and see how I feel over the next few months.
We said an initial 3 month trial with no contact.

Oh Funny - please dont go back to this relationship == please dont spend the next 3 months with a ticking count down clock analysing how you feel - this sounds v controlling and unconstructive - these people never change - and if he does - maybe it is too late for you? Can you look at this time to heal with the intention of moving on to a better and brighter life?

Something - yes that's what I intend to do.
So far I haven't missed him.
I am at last able to breathe - and it's lovely x thank you.

How are you doing?