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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2015! A fresh start! Anyone leaving there partner in the new year? Can we support each other?

147 replies

Happyandsimple · 28/12/2014 14:34

H everyone, I wondered if there are others who are leaving there partners in the new year? I feel so alone, and would like to meet others, know what steps your taking, what stage your on? have you told your partners its over? Do you know were you will be going? Just thought it would be nice to support each other through this. Because momments, I feel weak and almost change my mind. but I know this is for the best for me

First of , I am sorry if you are in this situation. I am planning to leave my husband in the new year, I'm a mum of 2, and my marriage is most definitely over due to Domestic Abuse. and my husband draining me financially and every other way. working 50 hours a week doing 2 jobs. studying,. while he just works 4 days a week. I'm exhausted , and suddenly realized I am worth more.

Hope to hear from you soon :) x

OP posts:
everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 13:56

Joining in again as I'm still standing by my decision. The practical arrangements are very messy, he is having trouble believing/accepting my decision, I am having some very good, very bad and some indifferent days. I am so scared of what the future holds for my children but I can't see any other way, God knows I've tried. I am just sticking to my steely quiet inner voice that says I don't love him enough, I deserve to be heard and listened to in my own home!

Somethingtodo · 21/01/2015 15:14

Good for you everonwardsagain - it is not a straight line....it is a process over time with lots of emotions to be expressed and dealt with.

I have had lots of anger - then when we separated (on day 10 now) this subsided as I felt a level of relief that I had made the decision and was making it happen.....but he is behaving as normal (irresponsible man child) during access so I am still aggitated. Last night I felt lonely for the first time - we did/do have a lot in common and there is a pining loss of friendship - bu t this is not outweighed by the frustrations from dealing the irresponsible man child.

everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 15:44

Manchild, that's exactly it!

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 10:01

How are we all doing today....?

My best bit of advice (as a veteran - day 12!) is to connect with a friend/colleague who has been through it. You dont need to share details of the failings in the marriage but it real does pull you thru. I was having a wobble on Sun - wondering if I should just put up and shut up....met with a friend who explained it is all a process - not a straight line and that pulled me thru on to another day.

Funnyfishface · 22/01/2015 18:15

Day 11 here.
Saw h unexpectedly today - only for a minute. That was hard.

Somethingtodo · 22/01/2015 18:20

Funny - hard what way -- a shock? awkward? missed him?

Funnyfishface · 24/01/2015 17:14

Hi
A shock and awkward.

Today We passed each other in the shopping mall. I don't know whether he saw me. Afterwards my heart sank. 25 years together and pass each other like that and not speak. It broke my heart.
Until then I haven't missed him at all

Somethingtodo · 25/01/2015 00:15

I am trying not to look at it as 30 years wasted. We did have many, many good times and even at the end it wasnt 24/7 hell - rather I am looking to how I want the last 30 years of my life to be - this is an opportunity to have a better life ahead. I have not missed him....I just have the fall- out of 4 young children v angry with me.

everonwardsagain · 25/01/2015 10:06

I'm struggling with that too, how to be around each other, I've been with him for half my life. We are currently still living together. He is in such a state yet being the perfect husband. Why couldn't he just have made more of a consistent effort?! I feel like the bad guy and I shouldnt. But I am causing so much hurt by finally putting my feelings first. Sorry for not being more positive, I'm really struggling these last few days. I'm due to move house with the children in a few weeks, signed a lease on my own. He'll probably have to go back to his mums. Am really doubting my ability to cope. Where's that strong person gone??!!

Somethingtodo · 25/01/2015 13:38

ever - she is still there being strong, resilient and compassionate....you are the one who is taking the tough decisions and seeing it thru for everyones benefit even you OH in the long run.

"We separated for a while earlier this year and admits he has been a terrible husband. The sad thing is he trying so hard now and I feel like a bitch ending it as it will break his heart. But I also know just too much damage has been done and no matter how hard I try I just can't make myself love him enough."

This is a tough, tough part of the journey - but you know you cannot live like you feel you have been buried alive.

Keep focused thru the pain...he will survive and you and your children with thrive.

Somethingtodo · 26/01/2015 10:03

Anyone else want to join - or update ..... I am into week three. Need to lighten the mood in my house and make it the home I dreamed of/promised/assumed once the mill stone around my neck left....want a calm, nurturing, fun and happy atmosphere.

1moreRep · 26/01/2015 10:09

Hi guys- I don't know if im already on here but I ended my relationship in November and we still live together- 2 dc's 3+5. The house is on the market and we cant move until it sells. He is devastated- Ever- sounds a lot like your DH- but I keep remembering how I cant go back to like it was- he even offered me no strings sex the other day to which I politely declined his offer- I think this is more about him not wanting me to move on

eggnut · 26/01/2015 13:11

Hi all. I think this is the year we will separate after 7 years together and me wondering if the rest of my life is going to be this level of low-grade unhappiness. We have a 3 yo DD which is keeping me from having an honest conversation with my husband yet, as I'm worried that I will "ruin her life" by breaking up the marriage and I just need to suck it up. He's not violent and he loves both of us very sincerely, but I just feel so burnt out from living with the ongoing negativity and anger and the contempt sometimes directed at me.

I've finally started some individual counselling with my employee assistance programme (not very helpful so far) and we are going to try some relationship counselling as well, so either we will figure out how to patch things up or we will be able to agree to separate. Right now I just want to be free (as free as possible while still parenting together) but I know it's going to be a long march. I'm glad this thread is here.

guyfawk · 28/01/2015 18:59

Hi,
update from me, stbxp is still refusing to be grown up about our separation. His answer is that I can fuck off and leave him the house. Quite where I'm meant to go with a 4 year old I don't know. We also have the added complexity of applying for school places this year.

So I've been to a solicitor and a letter has gone out to him asking him to be reasonable or else I'll apply for him to pay legal fees. I'm guessing by his foul mood he got it today.

I can't imagine missing him.

Somethingtodo · 29/01/2015 09:36

Good for you guyfawk - you are making great progress - behaviour true to form - telling you to fuck off and he keeps the house .... what a bully, another nail in his coffin.

Well done seeing a solicitor and issuing the letter. Big Milestone. Good luck.

I dont miss mine at all (week 3) even after 30 years together. My home is calm, I am calm, I am in control of my family. Just need to understand what was wrong with me to tolerate it for so long.

guyfawk · 29/01/2015 20:59

I really think people underestimate how hard it is to 'just leave'. my lovely mum has talked to me a bit about separating from my dad, she stayed about 5 years longer than she should have she thinks. Nothing was wrong with her - it's just a very hard thing to do, particularly when you have kids. But it was such the right thing to do, her and my dad are happily divorced and now good friends. And with my step-dad I have a great role model for how relationships should be.

Somethingtodo · 05/02/2015 12:38

Hi All - how are we all doing on his wiggly rd? Would love to hear your updates so we can see how we are inching along....

I am in week 4. Kids are fine - no further emotional fall-out since the shock and tears and blame on day 1. But I am constantly vigilant. House is calm.

I am not going to get hung up on the logistics (house move / money) atm as in our situation that will take a long time and and will we can cross each bridge when we get there. I did see a solicitor for 1 hr of advice so I have a "master-plan" laid out for important financial, legal milestones but have not attached a time line to this.

I want to start living my new life now - it is the emotional progress - detachment, resolve, healing, rebirthing that I want to focus us all on.

Somethingtodo · 05/02/2015 12:41

...whoops hadn't finished - but I do feel a bit numb, in limbo, a bit emotionally paralysed....I feel calm, a since of relief that I have made the right decision for me and the children - but I suppose I am waiting for the joy to magically appear back in my life.......

guyfawk · 07/02/2015 08:09

You're doing so well something. For me joy comes in the smallest things, can you get the kids to help plan some really exciting days out? Things you all like doing but haven't for ages.

So stbxdp dropped the bombshell last night that he has cancer. I'm a bit shell shocked. He hasn't really said any more than that so I don't know at what end of the spectrum he is on - or whereabouts in the process he is.

Somethingtodo · 07/02/2015 11:07

Wow guyfawk - is there any chance he is making it up to bully you?

Has he had symptoms you are aware of - has he had lots of investigations?

IME such a diagnosis doesnt come out of the blue after one visit to the GP. He must know what stage/grade/treatment plan and prognosis - but chosen to keep you in the dark - to bully you?

Watch out for the traps to derail and keep your eyes on the prize.

I have had so much shit from him but how he treated me - with deliberate contempt and neglect - when I was seriously ill taught me that there were even greater depths to be reached and he could debase me further.

I had skin cancer, a serious cardiac issue, and a depression over the summer - and the deliberate hostile contempt and neglect during this time was both eye opening & terrifying.

Then the PA, alcoholic, man-child, who I only communicate with thru text, came over to me lifted up his shirt and asked me if I thought that one of his moles was malignant melanoma he was always like that could never cope with me being ill - and had to come down with the same thing - contagious or not!

guyfawk · 07/02/2015 20:12

It did cross my mind that he's made it up. I guess I'll know sooner rather than later. Terrible to think that about someone I live with/have a child with isn't it?

It doesn't change anything for me, other than the need to protect my daughter from witnessing the cruelties of chemo.

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster!

wewillmendit · 07/02/2015 21:16

Hello ladies. Can I join please?
I plan to leave in the next couple of weeks. I have got a house, h doesn't know. We have been living separately in same house for months.

I will tell him about the house next weekend, and then we can tell dd.
Have had a very wobbly day today, but know it is the right thing for is all.

Somethingtodo · 08/02/2015 21:45

Welcome wewillmendit well done for getting everything ready and in place - big steps take courage and are wobbly. Keep focused on your reasons for leaving and your knowledge that this is the best for you and your dd.

How do you think he will respond - are you worried?

wewillmendit · 08/02/2015 23:10

Thank you.
Yes I am worried. Because he has refused to talk anything through, he has a lot of unresolved anger. He is unwilling to admit that any of the marriage breakdown is to do with him, so he knows that I have stated that I will move out, but he doesn't know that I have even been looking at houses.

So it will be a shock for him. But hey ho, he will have to get used to it!

Donatello68 · 08/02/2015 23:39

Can I join too, please? I am leaving my DH after 23 years together. We have 2 DD's (10 & 11). He has been EA for the last 10 years. Have told him that I want a divorce but, he doesn't believe me. I have been to see a solicitor and have the petition all ready. I am going to pay the court fees tomorrow so, that he will get the divorce petition on Thursday. I am expecting a nasty reaction but, can put the DD's in the car & head off as we are on half term week after next. Wish me luck!! It is fantastic to hear how everyone else is getting on - really inspiring.

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