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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sat in bed crying my eyes out

226 replies

SatInBedCrying · 27/12/2014 20:03

Don't even know what just happened, DH has a few friends round for drinks, ive been sat in living room out the way then decided fuck it I'm going to the pub, told dp my plans and he wasn't amused

Anyway as I'm getting my coat on i hear him say "if i knew she was going out i would have got the strippers in" he intended me to hear that, so in a lighthearted way looked into kitchen and said "i heard that" and laughed.

Now ive just spent the last 10 mins being screamed at by DH for "ruining his night" and "showing him up in front of his mates" he's told me he wants nothing more to do with me, i can just fuck off etc

Now ive fucked the pub off, cant go out looking like this, I'm sat in bed crying wondering what the fuck ive actually done to deserve the abuse ive just gotten. I feel humiliated in front of his friends and i haven't even done anything.

OP posts:
Dowser · 27/12/2014 22:41

Not that you have to of course.

Original poster
SatInBedCrying · 27/12/2014 22:41

I'm in the lake district

OP posts:
MrsPepperMintonCandyCane · 27/12/2014 22:42

Don't worry about the smoking. Can you make yourself a warm drink? I know it's probably silly but I find it helps sometimes.

chimichanga1976 · 27/12/2014 22:44

Hey Sat, has he behaved in a similar fashion in the past? Is this the worst it's ever been, therefore the final straw? How long have you been with this waste of space? In my experience, they are like Jekyl and Hyde, in that to friends and relatives they show 1 face but to you they show a totally different, unpleasant side. They also seperate you from your mates so that contact is gradually lost and you feel isolated from those that used to care about you.

It's so stereotypical and unpredictable it's boring, honestly!! But so many women fall foul of this treatment. Maybe give a brief rest to MN and ring Womens Aid or similar? But try and get some sleep also. Eeasy for me to say I know. You're probably fuelled by adrenaline right now. This turd needs to realise he can't treat women this way and get away with it. And you're the one to teach him this lesson.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 27/12/2014 22:48

Is your house secure? No windows he could open or any other way in? Turn off the lights and close the curtains and go upstairs with your phone and charger.
He's a drunk abusive man and if you thwart him he's likely to up the ante. You know you mustn't let him back in tomorrow.
How old is your youngest? Are you on a contract at work? I might be able to advise re benefits.

Dowser · 27/12/2014 22:50

And if you can't sleep. Just focus on this time next year and the lovely serene Christmas you are going to have.

If there's been holidays, birthdays , bbq's etc this year he has ruined just focus on the fact that from this day forward that will not happen again.

You live in a very beautiful part of the country and you have all next year in which to enjoy it.

JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe · 27/12/2014 22:51

If he tries to get in tonight, call the police without hesitation. He is drunk and dangerous.

You're doing the right thing.

Dowser · 27/12/2014 22:51

I hope you don't live in a remote spot with no neighbours nearby.

MistletoeBUTNOwine · 27/12/2014 22:54

I've been there too, Sat Sad
I kicked him out (well a letter from the solicitor did, he wouldn't leave).
This was in November after his latest drink fuelled screaming at me session. We also have a dc together.
It's crap. Right now he's being 'super dad' and (trying to) be super partner too. All promises of no more drinking (he hasn't) and yada yada. Promising me the moon, if he can just come home...
I waver and wobble.
Please stay strong.
I've been in touch with my local domestic abuse service, they've been so so good. Hopefully going on a course in January called 'breaking free and staying free'.
Sorry to ramble on. I feel for you. I really do. Thanks

Dowser · 27/12/2014 22:58

Stay strong mistletoe.

Beware the wolf in sheeps clothing!

fluffling · 27/12/2014 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dowser · 27/12/2014 22:58

My mum named him Jekyll and hyde. He was that alright.

fluffling · 27/12/2014 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chimichanga1976 · 27/12/2014 23:04

I meant predictable and boring, sorry! Don't think we need a Criminologist on this board to see the usual characteristics these prats display! As long as you stay safe and strong for your child, you will make it thru the night. But don't be a zombie as a result. Check and recheck the locks, turn off phone and try and sleep. You will need a clear and level head in the morning too, whilst still being "mammy".
I know this sounds a bit mental but, try and think of any person, real or fictional, who is kick - arse and tough as feck, anyone you would love to be like, given the chance. And you are her tonight and tomorrow, as long as it takes to get you thru this shitty situation. And fake it til you make it. If you don't feel very confident, be the polar opposite, be a ball - breaker and someone who takes no friggin shit! You aren't the frightened little bunny, shaking and sh!t - scared, waiting on the big, bad wolf to arrive. You are some kick - ass, Charlie's Angel, ball - breaking Mother Hubbard, ready to defend you and your child with a fight to the death! Feckin, barsteward, Pr1ckface won't know wot's hit him!! Sock it to him girl!

mindifidont · 27/12/2014 23:04

Stay strong!

MistletoeBUTNOwine · 27/12/2014 23:05

Yy to calling the police. It's very important that you have a record. Thankfully I did call them one night in summer when he was kicking off and I'd locked him out.
4 of them arrived, but he managed to sweet talk them and they let him sleep in our garden shed!!!!

He's making things very difficult Dowser; we own this house jointly (with a mortgage) and is withholding money. Thankfully I go back to work in January so financially will be able to scrape by.

I'm lying in bed now with 11mo DS, and feel so happy he's not here!

How are you now, OP?

mindifidont · 27/12/2014 23:06

Stay strong!

Original poster
SatInBedCrying · 27/12/2014 23:07

Had to take some painkillers my head is throbbing, had a lovely chat on the phone with a mumsnetter, the house is secure, the doors are those with about 5 locks in, all windows closed, all lights off. Sitting with a cup of tea and having a fag in back room

He is exactly Jekyll and Hyde, he's fine when he's sober, an absolute nightmare when drunk - just like my stepdad

OP posts:
Dowser · 27/12/2014 23:09

Sound like Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith!

Mistletoe...I expect you've informed the mortgage company. I don't think it will go well for him when he decides he wants another loan as hell have a black mark against his credit rating.

Dowser · 27/12/2014 23:10

Sounds like you are doing good girl.

Painkillers might help you sleep. They usually do it for me.

Do you think you can give bed a try?

chimichanga1976 · 27/12/2014 23:16

Sounds like my mam's husband but he was/is a Pot Head. The usual things, violent towards her but taking it out on me also cos I had a different dad, getting stoned and paranoid, controlling, gradually eroding her confidence so that she stopped work and gave up her friends. The final straw was turning her against me. I called him the cuckoo cos he had a son with my mam and I was totally sidelined.

She is now so pathetic and browbeaten I have no respect for her. She's a total loser who has no life outside of her TV shows. You don't wanna end up a sad sack like her. Best years well and truly down the drain.

Glad you're doin well considering, Sat. Thoughts are with you. X

MistletoeBUTNOwine · 27/12/2014 23:20

I'm all fired up on your behalf, SatIn!
I can vividly remember the adrenaline . I wasn't as strong as you though, couldn't get angry. I think it may have been detrimental if I had though.

... Going downstairs for a decaf tea and a fag now!!! Wink

Please don't let the weasel twist and turn things so it's all your fault/ his parents/ school/ work/ dcs or whatever else it is that MAKES him behave this way.

Keep posting on here, even if he does talk you round and you give it another go (I was too ashamed to post again because mners had been telling me for ages to LTB, so I was scared to post that I hadn't SadBlush)
Got a real flaming too for being just as bad as him, because in staying with him I was being a shit mum.
I guess these peoe who post such stuff either have never experienced DV or have done and are trying to shock you into doing something about it...

CaffeLatteIceCream · 27/12/2014 23:24

Does he have somewhere he can stay tonight?

Not that I give a shite about his welfare, but if he does then he is less likely to come and hammer on your door keeping you awake.

If he does do that call the police. They have somewhere where the prick can sleep.

Stay safe and strong, OP :)

LuluJakey1 · 27/12/2014 23:31

Why would you talk to this man tomorrow?

Put his clothes in a bag. Ring the police and tell them what has happened. Tell them you might need help tonight or tomorrow. Put the bags outside in the morning and send a text to tell him where they are.

Can your relative bring your son to your house rather than you have to leave the house? Can a friend come over?

Go to B and Q and buy new barrels for locks and internal bolts for doors and windows.

You need some support over the next few days.

You absolutely should not ever put up with anything like this ever again. Make that choice for you and your children.

Alcohol, cocaine, aggressive bully, total lack of respect for you, humiliation of you, emotional abuse. Just do not accept any more of it ever. Don't engage with him. You are worth so much better than this.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 27/12/2014 23:34

You are doing really well !
Pack his bags and leave them outside tomorrow. Do t engage don't let him in. Fuck him right off !

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