Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Alone and pregnant

397 replies

Natalie12341 · 27/12/2014 18:03

Am 25 weeks pregnant and I split with my boyfriend 12 days ago. And am a complete mess. Am struggling to eat some days I feel ok then bang am a complete mess. He says he will support me. But everytime I message him he never replys which makes me feel even worse.. I had hospital appointments last week he didn't show. We planned a lovely Christmas together so Christmas was quite hard for me.. I have an 8 year old son from a previous r/ship he hasn't really picked up on anything. But am just really struggling. He never texts or rings to ask how I am how can someone that loved me just totally blank me. Never have I felt pain like it. It's affecting my blood pressure and I feel like am always wanting to no what he's doing ect I feel like I will crack up if I carry on.,. It's making me depressed and I just don't no what to do please help

OP posts:
hayleyanne31 · 03/01/2015 08:19

Your not a fool your hurt and upset, you will recover from this. They are the bloody fools and they will realise one day xx

Natalie12341 · 03/01/2015 10:55

Today is a new day. And I will not be contacting him again. Going for stuff for my house! New beginnings me my son and the bump! I don't need a man who blames me for everything no body is perfect! But I did try all the time when he didn't! I don't regret leaving him now! Because it's opened my eyes to what he really is! X

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2015 15:54

Good for you!

Vivacia · 03/01/2015 15:55

How did the shopping go today Nat?

Natalie12341 · 03/01/2015 18:17

Bought some stuff for my house. And my dad's took my son for the night so now am sitting with my mam hate it when he's not ere I get so lonely. Am trying to get as much as I can while am at my mams because things are so expensive he owes me money to because I pulled him out the shit before Christmas and he's still not gave me it back! Xx

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2015 18:57

Natalie as hard as it may be, write off what he owes you if you can. He won't pay it back on his own and you really shouldn't be contacting him at all, even for that. The only way around it would be if someone else could get it back for you without you being involved at all. But as with all twats, he'd probably just tell them to piss off.

Try to enjoy your alone time. Maybe cook something you like that your DS isn't fond of. Watch something on telly you wouldn't watch with him there.

Vivacia · 03/01/2015 19:15

I agree, you have to distance yourself, even if it means just letting the debt go.

Natalie12341 · 03/01/2015 19:34

Yeah I understand totally I can't keep helping now What if! I need to stop this and give up on that waste of space! Hopefully in a couple if days I will start feeling better! I think it's so hard because he done everything for me and my son! And he was so so kind! But his true colours have showed now! I need to continute to be strong as I possibly can if not for me for my kids xxx

OP posts:
Natalie12341 · 03/01/2015 22:26

Feel so angry and upset tonight! Thinking what am I actually going to do Sad

OP posts:
Natalie12341 · 03/01/2015 22:48

My book don't call that man! Come today so now am sitting reading that see if it helps me x

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2015 22:56

I hope the book helps you, too. But remember that YOU are in control. YOU decide not to contact him and not to ask others about him. That means that YOU are in the position of POWER.

It will be awhile before he is out of your head. But right now you DO have the power to get him out of your actions!

If the moment of weakness comes and you triumph over it, congratulate yourself and say "Well done me!!". Celebrate every time you want to contact him but don't. Celebrate every time someone starts to talk about him and you say "I don't want to know!". Don't down yourself for wanting to contact or hear, celebrate yourself for NOT doing it!

albal14 · 03/01/2015 23:03

Hang in there Nat. Your doing great,be brave. xx

Natalie12341 · 04/01/2015 05:58

My sleeping is still crap Sad I am hanging in there things have got to start looking up soon they have to xx

OP posts:
Eastpoint · 04/01/2015 06:20

I've just read your thread Natalie & I'm so impressed with how you are dealing with all this. You are doing so well, hang in there.

Natalie12341 · 04/01/2015 10:16

I am just struggling with the fact that he can act like I was never in his life like he's happy and doesn't give me a second fought! That's what am struggling with how can he act like that ? I obs didn't mean anything to him did I x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/01/2015 10:44

It's easy for him now, but you'll be the one who gets to watch your baby growing up and in twenty years time it'll be you they come home to visit. His responsibility-free partying days won't mean so much then.

How's the book? (I've never read it).

Natalie12341 · 04/01/2015 12:39

Am on page 36 and it's really good! I need to write a letter to him with everything am feeling ect. But don't send it put his traits down on paper put mine down I haven't done that yet am going to read the rest of the book and see how u feel. It says I will go threw 4 stages. I feel ok at the minute it always when I feel like I want to message him or call him keep my self busy as it only lasts for about 2 minutes it's like a craving. Xx

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/01/2015 12:47

This is corny, but when I'm going through a difficult time I find myself thinking about it in my head as if I'm years in the future talking about the past. When I just read your 12:39 post, I pictured you on MN a year from now, supporting someone going through a similar situation.

MatildaTheCat · 04/01/2015 12:59

Well done, Natalie, you are doing a lot better than you think. Remember, you have not been dumped by this loser ( Jeez, I nearly fell off my chair when you said he was 40, he sounds like an immature 16 and by now he won't get any better). You have made the decision to leave this waste of space behind. You are going to build a good and wonderful life with your dc. He could add nothing but misery to this. There is no reason for you to contact him at all. If yo absolutely need the money back, ask your dad or someone to deal with it if you can.

You may remember I am a midwife so the following advice is based on a lot of experience: eat what you can, when you can. If you can add in some fruit and veg that's excellent. As others have said, juice, soup, milk, hot chocolate are all easy to get down. Cereal with some fruit, jacket potato with butter? And take a pregnancy vitamin for extra reassurance.

Secondly, under no circumstances have him at your birth. Don't let him even know. He has lost the right to even know and even if you were happily married no man has the 'right' to be there. It is up to you and you need support not stress. You get to say when he meets her and where and for how long.

Thirdly, the PP who suggests not having him on the birth certificate makes a good point. It's up to you. However, as a single mother with full residency you hold most of the cards.

Please stay no contact. He is bound to come crawling sometime and try to wriggle his way back in to your life. To see this coming allows you to plan and protect yourself. It's what cheats and cowards do, learn the script and you are emotionally able to detach and realise what a pathetic specimen he is.

Good luck and stay strong.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/01/2015 14:28

As far as him being able to blithely skip away, it's ever thus. As far as we may have come from the dim and distant past, men have always been able to just walk away and leave women holding the baby-basket. And until men are able to give birth that won't change. Yes, we pursue child support, but that's just a little dint in the whole picture of having and raising a child. Writing a monthly cheque is nothing compared to the time and effort it takes to care for a child.

And it can happen to any woman, single or married, rich or poor. It happens in even the most (apparently) 'perfect' relationship. One day the man decides he's done and, bam, he's off. My cousin's now ex husband did it. We all thought he hung the moon, until he decided that marriage & full time fatherhood wasn't for him.

It's the main reason why each of us needs to do our best teach our sons about responsibility and teach our daughters to be sure that they can support themselves.

Natalie you are doing great. You are starting to question him and his actions. That's good. Because soon you will give yourself the answers. That he is a fool and a loser. And that YOU are better without him.

Natalie12341 · 04/01/2015 14:32

@Matildathecat thankyou Hun am 25 and I think to my self I do deserve better. Am still not eatin am at the hospital and the doctors next week and I've lost a stone and a half other te Christmas with not eating all am doing is drinking juice. What can I say to my doctor? And midwife? And what help can you give me! ? As you must have came across this a lot with you being a midwife. He can stick the money up his arse! I don't need a penny I am doing everything my self then I don't have to thank him for anything. Xx

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 04/01/2015 14:45

natalie, yes, un fortunately I've seen lots of heartbreaking situations. I don't have any one answer to get you eating. If you look into a mirror, that person you see there is the only person who can decide. Is your baby worth it? Does she need nutrition? If the answer is yes, then you can make small steps to get yourself better. Eating even tiny amounts will stimulate your appetite. Distract yourself while eating so you aren't concentrating so hard on all the negative stuff. Eat with other people, eg your ds and have a social time while you eat. Talk to your mum or sister or friend and make positive plans. Feeing positive about caring for yourself and your baby will help you focus on taking care of you and both your dc.

Another thing I am wondering, as a nosy midwife...are you smoking? If the answer is yes, I would guess that you will have increased this and that will also suppress your appetite.( please disregard if you don't smoke).

Talk to those caring for you both family and professionals. The loser you are losing weight over isn't worth risking your and your baby's health over. If you think you could be depressed as opposed to very sad and upset do see your GP in case you need treatment.

Take good care.xx

mumatha · 04/01/2015 16:30

I feel for you so much. It might not feel like it right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will reach it soon. I think that if your ex cannot be man enough to realise you need proper support at this time, no matter what the state of your relationship, then you should do your damnedest to forget him and move on. Far better to draw on the support of friends, neighbours and any family, rather than be continually let down by this selfish idiot. I know just how hard it is to let go of a crap partner - if only I could take my own medicine my own life would be so much simpler, and probably happier. But it is hard. And doubly so for you.

Please take time to look after yourself. Rest whenever you can. Eat simply and well. Do little things that improve your day - listen to your favourite radio station, read books / mags you like, be with people who are good to you.

You will come through this.

Natalie12341 · 04/01/2015 22:12

I stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant straight away I done am great te same day I was stopped since all this has happened I've tarted again but only a small amount I want to stop and I no I can but with everything going on in my life j think how can I!? I've spoke to my son tonight and told him a little but about the situation with me and my ex as I don't like keeping things from him because we are so close. He is a great kid. I've just told him I left because I wasn't happy. I do feel stronger tonight strangely. From now on if I want to text him or call him am going to write it down on a peace of paper. Instead of sending him it. It says I should do that in my book. My baby is worth it I just feel so helpless and so sorry for her that she's not even here yet and am not giving her the best start I want to. Keep thinking is there light at the end of the tunnel there has to be. @matildathecat do you no anywhere I could get help with stuff for my house? As in a charity ? So I can get back to a normal life with my son before my daughter comes. Xx

OP posts:
Natalie12341 · 05/01/2015 00:56

Feel very proud of my self I was going to message him tonight telling him about my son then I fought about what you ladies have said and the book am reading to and I didn't ?? Smile I fought am not giving him the satisfaction xx

OP posts: