Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

[Oldnamenomore]

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

Thehermit- it is not that kind of thing I actually wouldn't mind that but he has never shown any interest in it . I see what you mean though I don't think there is anything wrong in a way with what he likes it just unpleasant and upsetting for me , I am guessing that maybe other women may not find it so bad.

I can't really leave him I have no family (my mum died when I was s teenager), I have no house - we just live in a shared rented house that I couldn't afford alone . Our company would collapse of I left and then I would have no job or income and 5 kids. He does very little childcare ( he leaves at 6:30am and arrives home about 9) so I would be totally left . I don't really want to leave him also - I am sorry I know I sound awkward I really am reading what you are saying it's just hard to think about !

Oldnamenomore Aye I'm not going to pry into what kind of thing it is, but I guess the same rule applies. It sounds like he's indulging in a fantasy, using your body for it, and has no shame or embarrassment about it.

Which seems odd for someone who you've had a good sexual and family relationship with in the past.

I.E Anal sex one of those things that is not "out there" but a lot of people it is a no go zone, or a "try once and if I don't like it's not happening again" zone. lol.

Whatever it is. It's not something you've always done by the sounds of it, and is something he's developed a new taste for and is just using you for it.. and not can't seem to get off on anything else.

He needs to be told he's being an odd ball and it just won't do! If he was just pestering you about it I'd say tell him straight. But he's gone to the point of sexual abuse and will probably give you the "I thought no meant yes because you let me do it anyway" kinda answer!

He needs to be made away it's him and not you.

:/

made aware*

Hermit that is what it is and I detest it . I think I have tried a lot of things with him and this is the only thing i have really really disliked but it's at the point where I feel panicky even thinking about it.

I'm not suggesting for a minute that the OP's husband is not seriously out of order. But as usual on MN it's suggestions are now being made that's what's happening is asking to rape.

As far as I can tell the OP came on here asking for advice on now to change this one aspect of her life, with a husband who she has a long and ( to her mind) previously happy and fulfilling sex life with.

I strongly suspect that if she goes in all guns blazing as many have suggested that will herald the beginning on the end for this marriage, which does not seem to be what she is after ( OP please correct the if I'm wrong)

Oldname. My DP has the same thing going on just now. We've had a rough year and his problem is partly medication and partly just not 'feeling it'

At no point has he ever suggested it's anything to do with me. He's made it clear that it's an issue with him and whilst there isn't a quick fix for him, there is plenty of affection to keep the intimacy.

Your DH is being utterly selfish. My ex husband was the same. He developed premature ejaculation during our marriage and wouldn't do anything or see anyone. He was quite happy to have a wee two minute fumble and off to sleep.

Your dh is being abusive. Making you feel to blame. Making you perform acts you don't want to do. You need to start saying no. He has no right to pressurise you into doing these things.

With my ex I flat out refused to have sex with him in the end. I told him he clearly didn't care about my side of things and that basically he turned me off, not on. That he needed to sort his issue out. Harsh yes, but I was fed up of feeling like an object.

It doesn't matter what other women think. He is in bed with a full human being who he promised to love and cherish and he is coercing that person to do something she hates, that she finds unpleasant and upsetting.

In the meantime, he appears to be doing sweet FA to ensure that this person he is supposed to be taking care of for his whole life, this mother of his children, this companion for 15 years or so, has things she enjoys in bed.

Theboulder, op's H is continuing with sex after she has said no.

It's not MN who defines that as rape. It's the law.

It may or may not be helpful for OP to discuss it in that way, either on here or at home, but please don't act as if this is some kind of MN over reaction.

OP you never have to do anal again. Or to put it another way you have to never do it again.

You tell your husband you don't like it, that you will not be coerced into doing it and that if he tries to he is being sexual abusive.

If the emphasis on anal is a more recent development it could be a sign that he is watching more porn as others have suggested. It's a bit difficult to know if increased porn use is contributing to ED, or whether it's actually a personal issue. Either way, it's not actually your problem, it's his, and he needs to deal with it himself rather than expecting you to do more extreme acts to help him get his rocks off.

You need to make it clear to him that is divorce-worthy level of wrongness in a relationship quite apart from the consent issue.

Sorry I have obviously missed the posts where OP says she is saying no during the act and he is continuing.

I don't really think of it as rape because if I got up and walked away he wouldn't follow me and physically force me. As well I am pretty aware it's going to happen anytime we start doing anything, I think I just think a little bit it might be different next time.

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme

I think you are puddled.

Yes the original post was she thought his sexual problems were her fault (lack of erection..etc) What transpires is he can only stay hard when she is saying no, and she specifically says "no, I hate this, don't do it again"

That is sexual abuse. We aren't going in all guns blazing, we are responding to her specific issues, which have developed over further information she has given us about it.

The OP has gotten to the point of panicking when thinking of sexual acts with him.

And you want her to write a letter to him saying how much she loves and respects him and understands he may have issues. SOD THAT.

OP.

OK so it's Anal. Doesn't matter what it is though. You are actually worried about the thought of it. And that is not good at all. And he is sick for enjoying it while you feel this way :(

boulder - please read the thread. Your posts are increasingly unhelpful.

"Yonic - if I say I am not doing it he tries to carry on"

"I asked him not to do it before , I have told him during and I have told him afterwards plus at times where nothing sexual is going on at all. I have said the words "please don't xxxxxx" I think it is clear."

From two of OP's posts.

I hate to say it, but did this start happening after the recent birth of a child? If he's losing it when in your vagina, but fine with anal I'm wondering if perhaps your vagina is not tight enough for him any more.

Oldnamenomore

I understand why you wouldn't call it rape, but it's deffo sexual abuse if anything else.

But a lot of people (and I think the law) would label it rape just by you saying no, disconnecting, and him continuing it.

But whatever you call it. He is in the wrong. And it needs addressing.

It is rape because he is continuing when he knows he doesn't have your consent.

But if you prefer not to think of it as rape, ok. It is disgusting and awful that he is coercing you to continuing with a sex act that you hate and, from the sound of it, that he tries this most times you have sex.

Cheese our youngest is 3 so it started when she was already a toddler. I have asked him about it and he says it is not an issue I don't really know what I can do about that. :(

What Hermit said.

You don't have to call it rape if you don't want to, OP, but it is, without question, coercion, which is sexual abuse.