Problems having sex - I think it's me. Any advice please?

[Oldnamenomore]

My dh and I have been together since we were teenagers, we are 31 now, married with 5 children. We have been pretty happy- life is ok we work together in our own business a couple I think we get on and rarely argue. Up until the last year or so we always had sex very regularly a few times a week, even when we have had small babies , but now it seems like it is far less (a few times a month) and tbh he doesn't seem to enjoy it when we do. He loses his erection half way through - and a lot of the time the only way to get it back is to do things which while I WILL do I don't really enjoy. When we do manage to get through to the end it's crappy because again he seems only to enjoy everything I dont.

He seems to imply that I am not doing a good enough job at whatever It is I am doing or other things which are just not in my control that I find very confusing! which is the reason this happens but tbh I don't see what more I can do. He has erections other times, there is no problem with this it seems only to be when I am with him that there is an issue, so clearly I am pretty sure it's my fault .i have only ever had sex with him so I have nothing to compare all of this too- maybe I AM just don't it wrong! I just don't know how to fix this, I really miss having proper sex it sounds selfish but I do - i am 31 and I feel like this is pretty much the end of our sexual relationship.

Tonight I gave him a massage and oral sex - the same thing . I have never been upset with him , I don't make a big thing about it and I do t ever show disappointment but tonight I just couldn't carry on and ended up just upset again he made me feel it was my fault.

I am sorry this is so confused! I find this all quite difficult to talk about - there is 0% chance of him talking to anyone about this. Do I prett mich need to just accept that I will never have decent sex again or is there anything I can do to improve?

Thanks ??

thehermitcrab OP said she's told him she hates it, but he insists that she likes it (which is a bit menacing IMO).

Yes to what hermit said about getting his erection back when he knows you're doing something you don't want to...

Also... the letter above I completely disagree with.

Pandering to a guy who his making you perform sexual acts he knows you hate. It's clearly not an age or erection issue.

Aye dirtybadger realised I cross posted, the second page wasn't appearing for me until I posted something :/ odd!

Sometimes seeing something in black and white can make it harder for the 'guilty party' to then minimise or ignore, and can help the unheard party feel more in control which in the OP's case would help I think. I don't think it's pandering to the husband as it's not clear what his issues is ( although I agree 100% he is entering v dodgy territory with the suggestions she is enjoying things she doesn't enjoy). For all we know it may be a porn issues but as with many addictions he may not yet have full awareness as to the link between cause and effect.

ask him "why do you keep trying to blame me for YOUR sexual problems"

You want to gave sexual contact with him because you miss him, but hes actually making it unpleasant and then blaming you because he cant keep it up??
He needs to stop wanking so much, and also to stop being a shit sexual partner. Of course it's much easier for him to blame you because impotence is such a taboo thing for many men and he is probably feeling pretty low about his lack of performance, but his treatment of you over it is horrid

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme

A letter wouldn't be pandering to him, but your letter is. As housewherenobodylives mentions, it just looks like an ego stroking exercise.

He clearly has no erection or other embarrassing older men type problems that would need eggshells walking on to draw from him his issue. (oh poor him!) He's asking his wife to do things she hates, so he can get a hard on. That isn't the actions of a man who is embarrassed about an erection problem or has trouble with intimacy. He hasn't respected her by doing any of the above and clearly he is doing something in private, that is affecting his wife greatly, and he doesn't care.

No need for a softy softy letter in my opinion, he hasn't given her that same care.

I'd tell him straight.

And I'd be asking why he loses his erection during "normal" sex which should be as intimate, loving and fun as it was in the past, but has no trouble getting it back when his wife does something that she is vocal about hating.

Plenty of people are into dominating, or role play, or whatnot, or watch porn on that kind of level, but demeaning someone like that for your own sexual gain when only one of you is getting enjoyment is sexual abuse. And to top it off, he's enjoying it.

Yonic - if I say I am not doing it he tries to carry on but if I move away he lets me but then he gets upset and it ends in an arguement and I just end up feeling like it is totally unreasonable that I haven't just done it and got it out of the way. I hate confrontaction with him and I sound pathetic here I know and especially in everyday life I am not like this just in these circumstances.

Cogit- I am naive about it in a lot of ways I think just because I have never thought about it as an issue its just something we did that was fun and that was it. Reading the replies here it has made me think that perhaps this is a bigger issue than I really thought . Tbh though the thought of ever having sex with someone else is now pretty horrific to me after all of this.

He tries to carry on after you have said you are not doing it.

Is the same as:

He continues a sexual act after you have said no ie after he knows he does not have consent.

OP, you are not the unreasonable one here and he is not the one with grounds for getting upset.

What would you advise your daughter/sister/best friend if they were in your situation?

Don't think about sex with anyone else - that's not the issue at hand right now (unless X is an act involving a third party but I don't get the impression it is)

Dirtybadger- I have tried googling death grip but I think our blocking thing is blocking the results (we have 4 children with computers- it's pretty robust and I have no idea how to get round it!)

From what I am imagining though it IS very hard to get him to finish I do have to put a lot of time and effort if I try that but tbh I have nothing to compare to so maybe that is normal - it has never been easy tbh.

mate, dont ever be embarrassed if some of the things you do sexually are 'embarrasing' Everyone has different tastes and kinks, but BOTH of you getting off on it is BASIC stuff. If hes emotionally blackmailing you into doing things you hate, hes actually being pretty abusive. Its a form of rape. If you dont feel able to even have a discussion about it and hes shaming you sexually for him losing erection during sex unless you do things that you hate, hes being mega controlling and fucked up

OP, if it helps in any way, I was my DW's first and only sexual partner. So in some ways she's like you. I have never, ever tried to coerce her into doing something she didn't want to do. And I cannot begin to imagine a situation in which she said she disliked or hated something but I tried nevertheless to persuade her that she did like it really.

I hope I'm not over-sharing, here, but my DW doesn't particularly like oral (giving or receiving). So I always leave it to her to initiate that if she wants - which she does occasionally.

boulder - what a bloody strange letter that was. A couple of paragraphs saying how wonderful he is and buttering him up and then tip-toeing around the fact that she'd really prefer not to be raped or sexually abused, though, if it's ok by him. Have a word with yourself, for goodness' sake!

OP - how would he react if you wanted him to do something sexually that he wouldn't/doesn't like, do you think? Think carefully about how he would respond compared to how you do in the same situation. I really think you need to sit him down and give him a short, sharp shock about the way he's behaving and the fact that you will simply not put up with it.

I asked him not to do it before , I have told him during and I have told him afterwards plus at times where nothing sexual is going on at all. I have said the words "please don't xxxxxx" I think it is clear. I Have no idea what to do now.

Oh dear OP the more you post about this the worse it sounds. You poor thing

I can assure you, sex with most other people is not like this!

OP - just take a step back and read what you are writing. It takes "time and effort" to do what he wants you to. That doesn't read like what consensual and willing lovers do for each other.

You have told him (in bed and out) that you don't like certain things but when you do it causes arguments or upset.

He tries to persuade you that you really like certain sexual acts when you know that you don't.

I think you need to clear your head and think about how you raise this with him (a letter might be good if you think it will otherwise descend into an argument). But I think you do need to very clearly state your boundaries and the fact that you will simply not do anything that you feel uncomfortable with in any way. If he is a decent and caring man he will be crushed that you feel this way and do anything he can to make it better.

agree with Branleuse

People do have different tastes and kinks. Me and my OH both do. A lot of them match, some we don't know so we'll say "hey do you fancy trying so and so??" and if one of use says "WTF no?!" we wouldn't bother.. lol. Or we may have a try at something and think "nope, not working" It's always gotta be two-way to be enjoyable.

Anyone who can get a sexual kick out of someone hating doing to something (that isn't role play/pre-agreed) is pretty sick in the noggin. Usually I'd say sick in the noggin full stop... but you seem to have had a healthy/happy relationship in the past.

Or has he always disregarded your feelings in the past? just moreso now?

from the outside it looks like he's started getting into dominating/s&m/force type porn. Which a lot of people are into. And women too with all the 50 shades nonsense.. safe words and all that malarkey. But he's acting it all out in his own head, using you as a tool, and it's nothing safe or fun. Just a one way selfish fantasy that he doesn't want to share.

But that's just a guess!

The problem is his and you need to tell him straight what you are and aren't prepared to do, I.e. "Don't ever do that to me again. Ever." For your DH to enjoy sex that he knows you hate shows an enormous problem tbh, a healthy relationship wouldn't involve doing anything sexually that one partner hated.

I'm sorry but I also think porn may be the problem, maybe not how much he's watching but what he's watching.

He needs to be aware of the consequences if he's not prepared to speak to someone about his ED. Everyone has a right to a respectful sex life and I can only see a very unhappy future for you if you continue to appease him sexually and he doesn't sort his problem out. Sorry.

Yes it is clear, OP.

What would he call a man doing a sex act to one of his daughters that she didn't want?