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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The other woman

227 replies

winkywinkola · 16/12/2014 18:16

So, you have her phone number and her email.

You know your h is the swine who betrayed you.

How do you resist contacting her to give her a piece of your mind?

I have a friend who got 'her' ow by the throat once. She said it felt so good to see the witch shit her pants.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 18/12/2014 11:40

My grandmother used to regularly have affairs. She was married. I assume the men were mostly married. It was in a time before emails and texts, obviously. One day the kids (so one of my parents and their siblings) woke up and found the garden trashed. Someone had pulled up all the flowers.

Did it make her feel better? Maybe. Did it make her look unhinged, and rather undignified? Yes. Did it upset the kids? Yes. Was it worth it? No. If I know my (toxic) grandmother at all, I know that she wouldn't have given one shit. No odds to her. Straight onto the next one. My grandmothers kids were the only losers.

So basically if the OW is truly an awful person, they won't care. Nothing you can say or do will shit them up as you expect. They won't care. Professional cunts have thick skins.

AskMeAnother · 18/12/2014 12:07

if the OW is truly an awful person
And who are these 'truly awful people'? Who raises them? Who are their sisters, their friends? Who are they?
The Other Woman is just that, another woman.
A woman like you.

A wife is entitled to be pissed off and cause her some pain back if she feels so inclined
No, she isn't. A wife's gripe is with her husband.

pinkfrocks · 18/12/2014 12:42

In the REAL WORLD the truth is it's about 50-50. If both the man and woman are married to other people then they are both equally at fault.

If the man' s wife wants to direct her anger then it ought to be at her husband.

And the sad fact is that sometimes people do end up leaving marriages for OW and OM. It happens and always has, and always will.

Doesn't mean it's right or good but anyone who then sets out to attack the OW by inflicting emotional or physical damage, that's just wrong. It makes them look pathetic.

dirtybadger · 18/12/2014 12:45

askme well my nan, obviously. I meant "truly awful" as in "as awful as you think". I'm clearly not for the whole revenge thing...?

StockingFullOfCoal · 18/12/2014 13:10

UpTheAnty Grin Well done for telling her DH - I really don't hold with this "Don't tell the OWs Dp/DH" pearl clutching bollocks thats goes on here on MN. I would abso-fucking-lutely tell the OWs DH exactly what was going - after all, you know how it feels to be duped by someone, when other people know but nobody has the balls to tell you, don't put some other bloke through the humiliation of not telling him whilst his DW continues the affair.

dirtybadger · 18/12/2014 14:06

stocking I think the problem is that uptheanty told the wife they slept together. But she doesn't know that happened. I think the general consensus is go ahead and inform the OW/OMs partner if you want.

pinkfrocks · 18/12/2014 14:12

stocking you need to read the thread.

she didn't actually tell the OW's DH what had gone on- she told him a pack of lies.

NannyAnna · 18/12/2014 14:41

Agree with up the anty! What kind of person goes to another mans husband instead of going home to her baby. Selfish!

Infinity8 · 18/12/2014 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskMeAnother · 18/12/2014 15:18

I disagree that the ow is a woman like me. I have more self respect than to have sex with someone else's husband. I am not a skank. I am unwilling to behave in the sleazy manner necessary to either cheat on my partner or enable another man to cheat on his
You just haven't met the man yet, or had the experiences in your life that make those things you reject now seem reasonable and appropriate.

loveareadingthanks · 18/12/2014 15:50

AsmMeAnother - nope, I thoroughly disagree with you. There are people who will say anyone would cheat under the right circumstances. Please speak for yourself only. I never have and I never would. No matter what the circumstances, no matter if the man looked like Jonny Depp and had a gold bar dangling off the end of his dick. Not going there. Ever. If I were that unhappy with my relationship, or that tempted by another man, I'd do the decent thing and end my current relationship first. Cheating is never reasonable or appropriate and that's my moral code for life.

Bogeyface · 18/12/2014 16:27

I disagree too. I met a man once and could easily have had an affair with him, he wanted me to. But I didnt. I distanced myself from him for 2 reasons, firstly because I didnt want to cheat on my husband and secondly because I didnt want a relationship with a man who thought it was ok for to cheat on my husband. If thats his attitude to relationships then even if I had left my husband and then started seeing him, I would know that deep down he doesnt take fidelity seriously and would probably cheat on me once he got bored or met the next one.

Its self protection as much as anything else! Why would anyone want to be with someone that they KNOW has no issues with cheating and then feel like the victim when they are cheated on?!

AskMeAnother · 18/12/2014 16:29

AsmMeAnother - nope, I thoroughly disagree with you
Fine, disagree. You might be people beyond all temptation. But vilifying the women who give in isn't right either. Ultimately, to cheat on a marriage you have to be in the marriage, and the other woman just isn't.

Bogeyface · 18/12/2014 16:33

But by cheating, the cheater has brought someone else into the marriage, someone that the faithful spouse doesnt even know exists! It changes absolutely everything within the marriage, so I would say that they are involved in the marriage even if they are not in it.

They may not be cheating on the spouse but they are enabling and actively encouraging the cheater, and if that means they get a mouthful of abuse or their own spouse told about it, tough! You shouldnt do anything if you are not prepared to deal all and any possible consequences.

AskMeAnother · 18/12/2014 16:35

the cheater has brought someone else into the marriage
No, they haven't. They have someone outside the marriage. To be in the marriage is different - polygamous relationships can work.

writtenguarantee · 18/12/2014 16:40

No, they haven't. They have someone outside the marriage. To be in the marriage is different - polygamous relationships can work.

Indeed. Of the OP's partner and the OW, only one has (implicitly or explicitly) promised to be loyal to the OP, and that's not the OW. The OW maybe has 1% of the responsibility here. The partner has the rest.

Infinity8 · 18/12/2014 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrscaindingle · 18/12/2014 19:03

Askmeanother I also disagree with the idea that anyone who hasn't cheated just hasn't met the right person or had the experiences that make this seem reasonable.
People who cheat often still believe they are good people who just couldn't help themselves, being swept away with their feelings.
This is not true, I was in a 19 year relationship and many times have been attracted to someone else and more than once felt it was reciprocated. However my family and the idea of causing them and my 'D'H pain prevented me from ever acting on this. The irony is that it didn't stop my Ex in the end.
He is still trying desperately to maintain his image as good guy, however most of the people in our immediate circle will never really see him the same way again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2014 20:51

Agree completely with Askmeanother's and RussettBella's posts, they're very sensible and to the point.

Some women seem to view their partners as possessions and are full of fury for the other woman concerned when their 'possession' wanders off. The partner's actions are down to their own selfishness. Your partner will only stay faithful if they want to, that's it really Take it up with them.

Affairs are always going on; some are discovered, some aren't. I don't believe that anybody goes into an affair with the express wish to hurt their partner... it's just an inevitable side effect if the affair is discovered and I expect witnessing their partner's misery/grief at their selfish actions is when the cheater realises what their actions have wrought. Very sad.

Dowser · 18/12/2014 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/12/2014 22:55

It's not 'karma'. What a stupid comment. All the other widows in the world then, 'karma'? :(

Women are SO vile to each other. Angry

Russettbella1000 · 19/12/2014 00:08

Agree lying witch! Where is the sisterhood?

Russettbella1000 · 19/12/2014 00:14

And Dowser 'wowser'...the irony is that these 'awful other women' perhaps just take things/people on face value and if they themselves are single just believe the lies they are fed. They don't understand this whole bizarre & twisted idea of human beings belonging to any other human being. But yes the liar in affairs (ie the erring 'spouse') is the only person who should explain themselves...

elsabelle · 19/12/2014 00:26

I didnt tell the OW's DH. But she was so worried that I would that she told him herself and he promptly left her. Win win Grin

Russettbella1000 · 19/12/2014 00:36

Wow I can sense the glee, enjoy it Hmm
Personally, I blame patriarchy and neoliberalism for the mess we are in...For those so angry at that other woman I suggest you go read some feminist literature...it'll all make sense, sort of...it'll take your mind of things at any rateFlowers