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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The other woman

227 replies

winkywinkola · 16/12/2014 18:16

So, you have her phone number and her email.

You know your h is the swine who betrayed you.

How do you resist contacting her to give her a piece of your mind?

I have a friend who got 'her' ow by the throat once. She said it felt so good to see the witch shit her pants.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/12/2014 17:41

Yes Helena but the point that I and others are making is that just because you hate the OWs guts and want her to not just walk away scot free, doesnt mean that the husband DOES walk away scot free.

There seems to be the misconception that if you have a go at the OW then you are not blaming your H, you can do both!

Bogeyface · 17/12/2014 17:42

That is, you can have a go at both of them and hold them both equally in contempt, it doesnt have to be one or the other.

In my case the OW got my ire in one short sharp shock, he has to live with the consequences every single day, so no way did he get away with anything.

AskMeAnother · 17/12/2014 17:42

'She fucked with me. I fucked with her.'

Oh dear. Because a husband/partner is a possession over which you have rights of ownership and no other woman must touch him.

But of course, women aren't the possessions of men. Oh no. That would be wrong.

MorrisZapp · 17/12/2014 17:44

Well it's shoddy, I agree. But the fifty fifty blame thing bamboozles me. How can someone you don't know have equal blame with your partner who loves you and has promised to stay faithful, and often is the parent of your kids? Surely that person owes you a whole lot more than a stranger does. The dh will also know the full truth, while the ow or om will be getting told lies too.

Spero · 17/12/2014 17:56

OK, slithy, i don't know your dad and why he did what he did. I can see this has an enormous impact on your life.

But why did he have a 'drunken ons' with someone who went onto display such weird behaviour. Was it really just a ons? What an appalling lack of judgement for a married man with a five year old.

I think he or any man in that situation is very much to blame. And unless i know what lies he spun this ow, I would hold back on my blame for her to some extent.

But you and I can disagree without you feeling that I am disrespecting or negating your pain.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 17/12/2014 18:01

MorrisZapp
How can someone you don't know have equal blame with your partner who loves you and has promised to stay faithful, and often is the parent of your kids? Surely that person owes you a whole lot more than a stranger does

Well it's not equal blame is it, but there is blame apportioned to each party. Also, a lot of the posts on here are assuming that the OW will be a stranger. Where I have known affairs to have happened it is usually with someone known to both parties. If a friend of mine had an affair with my husband I would be contemptuous of both of them. Yes, I'd lose more by losing my husband (I.e. My vision of the future, a happy set up) etc but I'd have still been betrayed by both.

slithytove · 17/12/2014 18:44

I'm not so sure we can.

And no, there were no lies, he went to counselling with me in my teens and was very open and honest about it. No denying it was an appalling lack of judgement. But his misdeeds ended that night.

Why is it so hard to accept that the OW is responsible for her own behaviour, including fucking someone with a family, and then how she chooses to treat that family.

When my dad told her it was a mistake, he was sorry and he was working on things with my mum, she should have stopped there. Anything after that is entirely her own fault. She admitted to my mum it was a ons and corroborated certain other details - my dad didn't lie about it.

Eekaman · 17/12/2014 19:45

Anyfucker is completely wrong saying it's an ego boost to a male when two women are competing over him.

It's not.

And op, you need to have dignity here, you are the wronged party, so don't go emailing and calling the ow, and when she doesn't respond do not lower yourself to trying to contact her again. Good luck going forward.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2014 20:04

happens to you a lot, does it, eek ?

'course it does, mate Wink

20fifteen · 17/12/2014 20:14

I have a friend who was in this situation - decided not to email OW as best not to have anything in writing - rather she phoned her from her husbands phone in front of him and simply said "ok so what's your take on the situation?"

Apparently she listened while OW recounted every personal detail and fault in her and DH marriage - she didn't enter further into conversation but ended by saying "Thanks for that" - ended the phone call looked at her husband and said "I do think you'd be wise getting your stuff packed NOW" - smiled sweetly and walked out to her neighbour and crumbled

Strong woman - she has a lovely new DH and family some 4 years later and certainly is living well

Eekaman · 17/12/2014 20:24

Indeed Anyfucker, it did once or twice, half a life time ago.

Either way, I can speak from experience on this matter, you can only speak from your imagination and heresay. Ok?

Windywenceslas · 17/12/2014 20:24

20fifteen, your friend sounds awesome. That's the way to do it if you're going to contact the OW.

OP, how are you today?

MagicalHamSandwich · 17/12/2014 20:49

I called the OW once. I was young and naive. She laughed and asked me if I really thought she was going to discuss this with me.

Didn't feel better or in the least bit vindicated at all. On the contrary!

Ex and ex-OW are touring the courts up and down the country about child custody follwong their messy divorce nowadays. Now that felt vindicating to a degree. I feel sorry for their little boy, though. Sad

Isittimeforxmasnamechangeyet · 17/12/2014 20:49

i did it and didn't regret it one bit the main reason being I got more out of her in the way of honesty than I did out of my ex and I think if I hadn't had done it I would have taken him back and he would still be cheating on me now.
He's now living with her and I say more fool her because he will never change I found out today that he snuck out of the house had a quick shag in a hotel with someone else than went home to her it's horrible to say but karmas a bitch and when she finds out which she will i will know then that I had the last laugh.

Infinity8 · 17/12/2014 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hmc · 17/12/2014 21:27

UptheAnty - ignore the naysayers (huge yawn) - I like your style Smile

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2014 21:42

If you say so, eekaman Smile

Russettbella1000 · 17/12/2014 23:35

The feeling I get sometimes in threads like this is just how ready some women are to compete with & vilify other women. If we stood together more, raged against the lies that some men need to spin rather than each other, I don't think so many would get away with it.
Men (some!!) sense the competitiveness, almost desperation from women to 'keep their prize'...we all have our conditioned roles to play...but if we could just rise above it, we'd all be much happier/stronger. Not trying to minimise hurt that people go through btw...I just sometimes feel that women lose so much in infidelity (on both sides) because they direct anger in wrong direction.

Possession is not love and people are not property.

TonightTonight · 18/12/2014 07:06

My XH has put up a mate of his who's an estate agent to undervalue the family home for the divorce. I am furious with the guy and have entertained fantasies of storming into his shop and calling him out as a crook in front of his staff and customers. Am I entitled to feel this way, or can I only be mad at my ex, lest the Mumsnet sophisticates start casting their eyes to the heavens in exasperation?

Infinity8 · 18/12/2014 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JonesTheSteam · 18/12/2014 07:56

Totally agree with previous poster.

The OW, if she knows the man is married (and even more so if she is married herself) shares the blame in my eyes (not equally), but blaming her solely does not make sense.

I do, however, reserve the right to fire countless emails to her (which I never send) as a form of self-therapy to get rid of my dislike and bitterness.

And I reserve the right to hate her even more as she sent DH an anonymous email from a new email address saying she never meant to hurt anyone and hoped he was OK, and that if he was leaving the company she would love it if she and he could get together to say goodbye! Sent on Hallowe'en (appropriately!) while she was obviously quite drunk as the spelling and grammar were appalling! (That annoyed me quite a lot. He could at least have chosen another woman with some intelligence!Wink )

Yeah, that was really helpful to a couple who are both working hard to put it all behind them. And so selfish ; for the 'please don't think badly of me' tone, read 'please don't tell my H what I have done'.

And all a joke, considering a fair few people know she has shagged another work colleague in the last couple of months and attempted an affair with him. Yeah, right love, you don't want to hurt anyone do you? :-/

And yes, I have been furious with my husband, and yes I was furious with him when this random email turned up, for inviting her into our relationship in the first place. But, quite honestly, it appears that she is so thick skinned that even months after no contact with H she thinks it's OK to get in touch and express her sorrow at what she'd done.

The best revenge for me is that, currently, my marriage is the best it has been for a long time, and DH has put so much effort into changing his ways and to work on himself and us, I love him more than ever. And he does me. While, if she is to be believed, she is stuck in a loveless, miserable marriage, waiting for the next affair and hoping to use it as an escape route...

MeMyselfAnd1 · 18/12/2014 08:29

I am absolutely shocked at your actions anty, you were separated, you stalked her and lied to ruin her life. Good grief woman you acted like a psychopath and are proud of it?

You are worse than her, much worse. Have you thought of boiling bunnies if she had one? Oh yes, you did... You ruined it for her kid... Over a kiss.

IrianofWay · 18/12/2014 10:41

Logically I totally agree with those who say that the lion's share of the blame lies with the married person.

I once was an OW of sorts - had a short and quite intense EA with a work colleague who was in a relationship. It ended when he tried to take it further - I left my job (not just for that reason) and that was that. But I can honestly say that the only feeling I had for his GF was indifference -she and my DH had no place in things while we were together. If she had said anything to me about it all, or tried to blame me, I'd have just walked away. I felt no responsibility for her relationship at all. I felt nothing about her at all in fact.

Of course when DH had his affair all logic went out of the window. I was furious with both of them. And after a while when he was working so hard to make up for what he had done, I was still angry but I felt I couldn't keep directing it all at him - so she copped for a lot of it (in my head only). And of course I had no apology from her at all, no expressions of regret for the hurt caused - I had this vision of her laughing at me, getting away with it with no repercussions.

It's hard to keep objectivity while you are going through the mill. Very hard. I am out the other side and can look at it more dispassionately. I still don't much care for the way she behaved and I wouldn't chose to spend time with her, but I know now she didn't deserve the anger and emotional energy I spent on her.

magoria · 18/12/2014 11:05

Tonight if this person as an official estate agent has deliberately undervalued your house report him to whatever body governs him.

MephistophelesApprentice · 18/12/2014 11:17

Sorry, Eekaman, it feels great to have girls competing for you.

As long as it is about you, and not about the competition between the girls. Sex object is good, but sex prize? Not so much.

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