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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The other woman

227 replies

winkywinkola · 16/12/2014 18:16

So, you have her phone number and her email.

You know your h is the swine who betrayed you.

How do you resist contacting her to give her a piece of your mind?

I have a friend who got 'her' ow by the throat once. She said it felt so good to see the witch shit her pants.

OP posts:
slithytove · 17/12/2014 14:12

AF I wasn't saying people are stolen. I was linking similar 'crimes' where one might not be the main perpetrator, but they can certainly be complicit in that crime.

UptheAnty · 17/12/2014 14:18

Just wow.

Please save your disgust for someone who deserves it.

I don't.

AwakeCantSleep · 17/12/2014 14:23

Theft is a crime. Extramarital sex isn't.

No OW can stop a husband from cheating. (Not saying only men cheat; this holds for women too of course.) If OW refuses he can go somewhere else. The OW cannot keep your marriage intact. The husband can.

I am not saying being OW is great behaviour (it clearly isn't) but she is not responsible for other people's marriages, so I really can't see how she is to 'blame'. If she had refused it would have been someone else.

slithytove · 17/12/2014 14:26

Yes awake, that's why I put the word crime in apostrophes.

Doesn't change things. In the same way that buying something you know to be stolen or fake, how is that! Buying a fake Gucci bag is COMPLICIT in the crime of faking it.

Fucking a person you know to be married is complicit in the offence of adultery.

slithytove · 17/12/2014 14:26

Offense!

slithytove · 17/12/2014 14:28

And do people really think that fucking a married bloke is all that the OW does?

What about when she comes between him and his kids. What about when she tries to upset their mum. What about when she fucking tells those kids that daddy has to leave because he doesn't love mummy, he loves ow and she loves him? (A lie incidentally)

None of that can be blamed on the bloke.

AwakeCantSleep · 17/12/2014 14:31

Except adultery isn't an offence. Handling stolen good is.

OW isn't the one with adulterous intentions. That's the husband. She has never made a promise to the wife to be faithful.

Again I am not condoning the behaviour, and I know it is much easier to hate OW than to hate your husband but I really can't see how she is to blame. The only one with any power to remain faithful is the husband. He is the adulterer, not OW.

AwakeCantSleep · 17/12/2014 14:33

Yes it is the bloke's fault. OW wouldn't have any contact with his kids if he wasn't with her. OW in this case sounds awful but the husband can put a stop to the behaviour immediately by not being with her. HE has let his wife and children down.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 17/12/2014 14:36

*Awake
I know it is much easier to hate OW than to hate your husband

But nobody is saying it is ONLY the OW's fault and the DH is innocent. You can hate both of them, it's not either or. Regardless of who is most at fault, they are still both at fault.

AwakeCantSleep · 17/12/2014 14:40

Regardless of who is most at fault, they are still both at fault.

They may have both behaved appallingly, but the fault for the breakdown of the marriage lies only with the husband.

No-one is responsible for being faithful in a relationship except the two people in the relationship.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2014 14:41

Lying I'm great thanks Grin

Ironically, my ex has now split up with the ow. She was convinced that it was because he was still in love with me and she started contacting ME by text. It only made me laugh

Flingmoo · 17/12/2014 14:49

you have her phone number and her email

I've skim read the last 6 pages I'm surprised that I'm the first to suggest this: forget contacting her personally, just sign her up to loads of ridiculous spam... Tena Lady newsletter, Anusol coupons, that sort of thing. (Bizarre fetish websites would be a particularly evil one...)

OR some kind of personally tailored prank communication could be another idea. e.g. you are a researcher from a popular TV channel doing a documentary/reality show about extramarital affairs/polygamy/sexual dysfunction and someone she knows has nominated both her and your DH as possible participants Xmas Grin

Sorry, I have a mean streak... Fairly harmless though :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2014 14:53

BitOutOfPractice... Imagine... you must be in her thoughts night and day. Grin

You most definitely had - and still have - the upper hand. Thanks

Windywenceslas · 17/12/2014 15:36

It's perfectly possible to be angry at OW/OM and your DH/DW.

Sleeping with a married person is morally wrong, I'd never deny that. I'd never do it and I would judge very harshly anyone I knew who did. All I'm saying is save the fury for the person who actually betrayed you personally - the DH.

It's ok to despise the person who your husband slept with, I don't know how anyone wouldn't, but your DH is the one who promised to forsake all others. He's the one who lied to your face, betrayed you and hurt you.

As a previous poster said, chances are the OW won't give a shit, if she did, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. So save your dignity.

HelenaDove · 17/12/2014 16:48

Mamushka those things you suggest would be in breach of the Protection from Harassment act.

I agree with AnyFucker and LyingWitch. What you did was bloody spiteful Anty.

You also dont know for sure all the ins and outs and other details of the relationship between the OW and her husband. There may have been no affection between them for a long time. Not that thats an excuse but to tell lies in the way you did is beyond the pale.

And the "im alright Jack" attitude you have shown afterwards on here is appalling.

UptheAnty · 17/12/2014 16:54

Why is what I said " beyond the pale", but I am expected to consider what may have gone on in ow life?

Where was her empathy for me or my dc?

Ffs

After 5 years on this site I'm still amazed at what a parallel universe it can be.

UptheAnty · 17/12/2014 16:56

FYI

I'm not alright jack actually.

My life has imploded and the grief that I've experienced cannot be matched by anyone unless they have experienced the heartbreak of infidelity.

Spero · 17/12/2014 16:58

This 'stolen goods analogy' falls down in so many ways.

Yes, you fuck a married man, you are a skank etc. Yes, you buy a fake gucci handbag, you are complicit in the the trade of counterfeit goods.

But the gucci hand bag didn't slither up to you in a bar, buy you a drink and tell you all about how its wife didn't understand it.

I really really object to using the concept of 'stealing' in any way in this kind of situation. A cheating husband doesn't fall over and find whoops! his penis fell into that women. To blame the OW for 'stealing' a husband is to deny the husband any agency, make him some poor little victim of this shameless hussey. And that's not how it goes down is it? Ever.

And I agree, to tell a deliberate lie about someone else, however much you are hurting, however much you enjoyed it at the time or enjoy it still, makes you a not very good person.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2014 16:59

BOOP, I call that poetic justice Wink

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2014 17:01

Anty on any other thread you would have got a tonne of sympathy about what happened to you. Your husband is a complete shit and I am very sorry about that Thanks

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2014 17:01

I also meant to say I hope you are getting plenty of support.

Spero · 17/12/2014 17:03

Sorry uptheAnty - I didn't mean to be unkind to you. I know how much it hurts.

HelenaDove · 17/12/2014 17:06

Anty i am sorry you got cheated on. Thats awful. im looking at it from the point of view of the child because i once was the child in that kind of situation.

HelenaDove · 17/12/2014 17:07

As in one of my parents had an affair and if someone had told a lie to muddy the waters i would have wanted to know why as i got older.

Flingmoo · 17/12/2014 17:11

HelenaDove It would also be in breach of most spam filters so not a realistic suggestion all round really Xmas Smile Oh well, back to the drawing board for a more appropriate revenge plot...!

Spero I think you should also explain all this to Dolly Parton.

In all seriousness though, UptheAnty I almost sympathised with your actions until you said you lied about them fucking. Very spiteful. All these reproachful MN messages will touch a nerve with you - one day you'll look back and feel guilty. Or perhaps you'll just regret sharing it with us all.