Confused - he prefers tiny women

[chirripwhoo]

I'm not sure how anyone can really help with this, but I can't talk to my friends and feel so alone.
Basically, I'm in my late 30s, and my partner (together 4 years, no children) has become increasingly negative about me and my body. He will poke my stomach to see if it is soft, and try to grab the flesh around my hips, or the bit below my bra to check if there is anything "extra". He says he has to close his eyes when we have sex as he can't bear to see any folds of flesh.

I know he looks at lots of images of young women online, always tiny and perfect and teens/early 20s. I simply can't look like that. I should add that he's a good 2 stone overweight. He's also started giving me tiny portions of food in comparison to his and getting narked if I ask for more or serve myself more. I'm active and get so tired if I don't eat enough, but he will watch every bit I put in my mouth like a hawk. I truly don't know what to do!

Everyone has already said it, but I'd just like to say that I hope you can realise your own self worth before he destroys you. Please leave. You've come so far and don't so well to get to a healthy weight and whilst he obviously can't cope with you not needing him the way you used to you really have to put yourself first. I hope that you can free yourself of him, you've certainly overcome bigger hurdles already and you have us (even as complete strangers) here for you every step

chirripwhoo I am so angry on your behalf right now. What an arse he is. He's a flat slob and he's giving you gyp about being a healthy weight? Good grief.

Un-entwine, dis-entwine, whatever the word is, your finances and be done with him. If you can beat an ED he'll be a walk in the park. Strength to you sista!

Don't give him the courtesy of using him being ill as an excuse! He is a controlling abuser - that is not caused by illness!

chirrip i just wanted to jump in - i read your thread and am so sorry to hear what you are going through . you have such incredible strength, to have come as far as you have with your ed, and even despite such opposition.
i just wanted to say that i was very bad with an ed too, and i was also in an emotionally abusive relationship. it took me a long time to realise, and my dh always used to say 'when you put on weight i will do x y and z' well i DID gain the weight, i did do a lot better, and he still wasn't happy. it was just an excuse for keeping me vulnerable. he didn't like the new strength i was gaining from being well, and we started arguing all the time, with him constantly bringing my ed up when i was trying to move on.
well, i finally left him. that was 3 years ago. it was only when i left him that i was able to mentally move on from the ed, (and even more physically) it took about a year to do this. i came on leaps and bounds, without him in my ear all the time, and being able to eat what i want when i want. i just want to encourage you, don't let anyone mess with your health, its the most important thing. just think, what do you want to be in 5-10 years time? still worrying about going up or down 5lb, or doing some of those life goals you have always had in you? what does he want for you? you have already proven the strength you have. ed recovery is a long long process, and thats ok, (im still not 'there' with it!) but this is YOUR life, YOUR future. sorry for rambling on, but i am so proud of you for your recovery - i know how terribly hard it is to recover when you are living in a difficult relationship. wishing you all the best, ur welcome to pm me anytime

Bless you. You have come so amazingly far battling an ED-well done. You are strong enough to battle an ED, you are strong enough to leave this man and find someone in the future who values you for you and will support you in your continued recovery. Have you family?/ can you get counselling to help you with this?

Lovely, gorgeous, beautiful lady. Take some time for yourself and list all the positives in your life. You have your new-found health, you have a good job, you are intelligent, kind, patient and tolerant. You DO need to work on your self-confidence and self-worth but without that overweight, controlling, abusive tosser in your life. It may not be easy but you deserve so much more!
Some men only feel 'manly' when their women are dependent, weak and vulnerable. He sounds like one of those.
Your situation rings lots of alarm bells - your absence from here and you saying 'that it's hard to be on here when you're at home'. Why? Does he control what you do on your pc? Unlike you, who has no business to know what he looks at on the internet, does he have the right to check, limit or edit what you have access to?
You sound fabulous; strong and determined, able to overcome your ED, maintain your job and visit the gym in order to regain your health! What a woman! I take my hat off to you! Just do yourself a favour and straighten your financial entanglement with this poor excuse of a man, leave and LIVE your LIFE. No-one else can do it for you!!! xx

Chirrip- I am the same height but about a stone over your weight. i feel (and am told i look) fabulous. I'm still a size 10 - 8 in jeans. I'm healthy. Im also probably about 20 years older than you!

You are perfect as you are. He is a sick, snide woman-hater.

If your finances are intertwined, get them undone. Move on. You will be happier - with or without a 'man' to validate you

Please, please, please make your priority getting away from this horrible man, who is trying to derail your recovery. Read through everyone's responses. It's rare to get this kind of consensus on MN! The anxieties that leaving this tosser might bring up are things you can continue to deal with and work on calmly once you're away from him. It's easy for us to say here that no one is perfect, that you shouldn't write off finding someone else, but even though you recognise that those fears are your illness, it will doubtless take some time to fully address them. But that is going to be much more achievable without this horrible excuse for a human undermining your attempts to get and stay well.

Be kind to yourself. And get away from him.