Confused - he prefers tiny women

[chirripwhoo]

I'm not sure how anyone can really help with this, but I can't talk to my friends and feel so alone.
Basically, I'm in my late 30s, and my partner (together 4 years, no children) has become increasingly negative about me and my body. He will poke my stomach to see if it is soft, and try to grab the flesh around my hips, or the bit below my bra to check if there is anything "extra". He says he has to close his eyes when we have sex as he can't bear to see any folds of flesh.

I know he looks at lots of images of young women online, always tiny and perfect and teens/early 20s. I simply can't look like that. I should add that he's a good 2 stone overweight. He's also started giving me tiny portions of food in comparison to his and getting narked if I ask for more or serve myself more. I'm active and get so tired if I don't eat enough, but he will watch every bit I put in my mouth like a hawk. I truly don't know what to do!

That's not love

I hope you will be able to confide in someone in real life.
Please understand that your partner is completely self-absorbed. His point of view concerning his life is valid for his little bubble of life.
His pontifications concerning you are not valid. He is not advising you out of care for you; his advice is based on what he wants, to meet his specifications for what he prefers, and what he fancies. Similar to training a dog.

Btw, his internet history is your business. (As some porn is illegal (not sure of the laws in your area) but I do hope you do not share a computer!) Porn is a relationship issue. I do not mean to offend the folks who are ok with porn, personally I do not endorse it. But it is completely justified and valid for his use of porn to be a deal breaker for you. You could leave him under the guise of that subject.

The main point I wanted to make, though, is that, imho, you need to stop caring what he thinks, says, feels. Emotionally detach. His point of view is not focused on your best interest in any respect. His point of view simply is not valid.

Take care, and well done on attaining a healthy weight!

I don't know much about eating disorders, but I do know that they are very VERY hard to beat . And yet you've done that OP, you've got to a healthy weight . So you MUST have a lot of strength and courage inside you somewhere.

Did you have support from your family and friends? From a cousellor or therapist? From your colleagues, people at your sports club or church or neighbours ?

Whatever and whoever it was , you need to reach for that support and strength again to help you walk away from this man . Because he's messing with your head and if you let him, you will get ill again .

Thank you everyone, I'm struggling to hold it together at work as I can't remember when I've had such kind things said to me. And by strangers!
I guess I've beaten the physical side of the ED but not the mental side. Those patterns of thinking are very strong.
I do belong to a sports club and I have a few female friends there, not close but I see them at events every few weeks. I'm friends with them on facebook and could try to get closer to them.

I know it sounds cut and dried to you, but to me he's basically telling me what I think I know - that I am fat and hideous, and that by gaining weight to get healthy I've gone too far and he's trying to get me to see this. But I also know that a lot of that is my illness speaking with his voice.

What he's doing is not just dangerous but evil. He's observed your demons, and is now impersonating them in order to control and destroy you.

Your recovery is so fragile, your health and sanity rest on getting away from him.

Are you still in touch with mental health professionals about your ED? Could you talk to them about this issue?

"Imperfect people find other imperfect people and make happy imperfect couples all the time"

This!! You may feel unlovable, but that's in your mind, I promise, it's not a fact, far from it.

Being with this man is damaging your self-esteem. The longer you stay, the worse the damage will be.

WTF? You are tiny! Even if you were bigger I would say go. There are load of good men out there who would be happy to be with you. It does not matter if you have rolls of flesh or not. Leave this MF , NOW!

He is treating your body like it is his property. He pinches and tugs at you. While he is overweight! Amazing, this is. I think you are very small. BMI of 20?
You are better than this! Let him go and see who he ends up with. It will be a long search for him to find a Barbie doll. One who will go for an overweight, middle aged man. Who is a creep.

chirrip -you may not ever entirely get over the mental side of your ED. Many sufferers are like teetotal alcoholics - it's about keeping the addiction under control rather than getting rid of it altogether. It can feel like a very safe, controlled place to be, particularly in times of stress. And this is precisely why your partner is so dangerous.

I said yesterday that you needed to get out before he destroyed your self-esteem. Your posts today demonstrate that he is already doing that. Please, please go. The financial consequences are inconsequential compared to your mental and physical health.

And keep posting here. There are a lot of people who will provide you with a hand to hold through the process.

He doesn't prefer tiny women, he prefers sick women.

He doesn't prefer tiny women, he prefers sick women.

Exactly so.

I agree with twinkle, this is pretty damn sinister that he is deliberately trying to trigger a relapse

he's losing his control over you, and wants to regain it.

op, please please leave this man. no man is worth this.

You are better than him.

You owe him nothing and owe yourself everything.

Leave and be stronger for it

Please, OP... You are plenty skinny, tiny, whatever! I just did a BMI calculation and I'm 21.5 and I get told all the time that I am "skinny"!!! He's feeding you a line of s*&t. Really.

YoU are currently a perfect weight, and he is deliberately trying to trigger a relapse. He doesn't like your health. It's nothing to do with your body.

If you were recovering from alcoholism, he'd be moaning that you were more fun drunk. If you had had lung cancer, he'd smoke near you. If you were getting over a schizophrenic episode, he'd be whispering and then denying it.

This man is a control freak gas lighter. He doesn't want you to be able to get away, and currently you are physically healthy enough to do that. He prefers you crippled with illness the way I prefer my jack Russell to wear a leash.

^This

Jesus
From the thread title I was expecting this to be some sort of "I asked my partner X question and he said he prefers Y" thread and perhaps there be some sort of debate around honesty vs saying what your partner wants to hear or avoiding making them feel bad.

Instead it's just some guy who is an utter cunt.
Nobody makes those kind of statements without being deliberately cruel and enjoying the power to bring about the reaction that being that cruel does.

For some reason he wants you ill -leave him.
Certainly never have sex with him again-take him more seriously than he intends and say that if he finds you repulsive you are clearly doing him a favour.
What support do you have in real life? Tell people the truth about him.

Chirrip, well done on your recovery from your ED. I think this attitude of your 'D'P is something else you, or you and he, have to overcome.

This isn't about weight, or curves, or being tiny. It's about attraction and wanting the best for each other. His actions don't speak of someone who is attracted to you, or wants the best for you. It seems to me that he is codependent in that he needs the adulation of others for helping you through the ED and so it is in his best interest for there to be one. Too skinny, too fat, it's all the same to him.

What is important is that you are well and feel admired and cared for. He is not admiring or caring for you by his behaviour. Time to have a serious talk about this. And no more sex until you both really want to, and with each other.

"But I'm so far from being perfect, I will probably never meet anyone who could even start to want to be with me. That is a hard thing to face."

Truly OP, I know you may not feel ready to believe this yet after what you have gone through with your ED (physically and psychologically) but you WOULD meet someone who wants to be with you. You just don't believe it yourself yet. And no wonder with your 'D'P around. I am so sorry to say but he is not good for you. Please don't think you are indebted to him for 'helping' you in the past with your ED. The fact that he can pokes and prods you, withholds food and TELLS you he closes his eyes when having having sex, despite being FAR from perfect himself is not the sort of person you need in your life. He sounds incredibly cruel and i agree with PP who say that he will hold you back and likely make you ill again. If he was genuinely concerned for you having witnessed your illness and helped you through it, his behaviour would not be that which you have listed. I wonder if he actually CAUSED the ED in the first place? Please put yourself first, this man is masquerading as having your interests at heart but its not, its his which he puts at the forefront...sorry to say this, he sounds like a sick fucker.

Tell him to fuck himself. Go out, find a real fella fella shag him senseless. He is a waster.

When the law comes in on emotional abuse, would this behaviour be classed as a crime ? I hope so. It is absolutely criminal to try to taunt a woman who has ED into a relapse so you can control her life. Your current weight is what anyone would consider to be on the very thin side of healthy. I hope you find the strength to tell your loved ones what he's really like. Don't cover up for him....they probably have their suspicions anyway. You sound quite level headed apart from your blind spot where he is concerned. You have already climbed a mountain by managing your ED...coping without him will be much easier than that. Good luck.

Hang on. So, have you constantly talked about your weight and your body in a negative way to him (particularly when you were ill)? Is he mirroring your views in a (cackhanded!) way to support you?

Then you discovered his porn preferences are small, tiny, (pubescent?) women/girls and it's sent you into a spin... because, as you say, your internal belief is that you are 'revolting' at your weight and size.

He's either hideously misguided/codepent - an unhealthy dynamic, anyway - or he is a dangerous abuser. Please talk to relevant professionals about this.

*codependent