Confused - he prefers tiny women

[chirripwhoo]

I'm not sure how anyone can really help with this, but I can't talk to my friends and feel so alone.
Basically, I'm in my late 30s, and my partner (together 4 years, no children) has become increasingly negative about me and my body. He will poke my stomach to see if it is soft, and try to grab the flesh around my hips, or the bit below my bra to check if there is anything "extra". He says he has to close his eyes when we have sex as he can't bear to see any folds of flesh.

I know he looks at lots of images of young women online, always tiny and perfect and teens/early 20s. I simply can't look like that. I should add that he's a good 2 stone overweight. He's also started giving me tiny portions of food in comparison to his and getting narked if I ask for more or serve myself more. I'm active and get so tired if I don't eat enough, but he will watch every bit I put in my mouth like a hawk. I truly don't know what to do!

Oh God, you are still small for your height. The fact that he thinks this is 'fat' and wants you to lose weight (criticising, damaging your self esteem, serving you tiny portions) and that he was very supportive when you had your eating disorder is shouting one thing to me.

Unfortunately you unknowingly got involved with one of those men who has a fetish for anorexics. They exist. They lurk on pro-ana website complimenting those poor women and encouraging them to lose even more weight. It's a sexual fetish, the same as 'feeders' wanting fat women.

These men do not care if you die, have a reduced lifespan, or suffer ill health and disability because of your disorder (underweight or overweight).

Please get the hell away from him.

HE sounds like a total arsehole. Get rid of him. He's eroding your self confidences and self worth. Someone who loves you just doesn't do that.

Btw OP I base my advice on the experiences of a couple of close friends who have been in your boat. One friend went through a very similar experience to you, right down to her fiance literally grabbing food out of her hands (at social events in front of others)... 7 years down the line and she is trying to divorce him but with 2 children now she feels very stuck. My friend is a beautiful, confident woman but for some reason her self-confidence went on holiday for a couple of years when she was dating and then engaged to her DH. Now she doesn't tolerate any of his BS, her confidence fully restored but she's the first to admit she regrets marrying him.

Urgh what a knob. Please leave him. If you do love him & don't want to be without him, maybe suggest that seeing as he's the one that's overweight that maybe he should lose some weight? Tell him when you have sex you struggle to breathe because the extra 2 stone is crushing you & repulses you. See how the bully likes that.

OP at 5ft 4 and 8.5 stones your BMI is 20.4.

A healthy weight range for your height is 7st 10lbs to 10st 6lbs, so actually at the weight you are I would imagine that you look pretty damn hot, but deep down at a subconscious level you must know that already.

I echo what everyone else says here. It's not you, it's him.

He's not a keeper. Trust me.

Leave.

He is treating you like an object, chattel...

The fact that you are confused about this is what upsets me most. It's obvious to everyone else except you

To put things into perspective, I too have an eating disorder (BED) and my weight fluctuates within a 6.5 stone window. We still have a good sex life whatever my weight and he makes me feel loved and satisfied.

I so wish you could see what is obvious to everyone else.

I think he has MBP and wants you ill. He is not interested in the 'healthy you' and is trying to make you ill again.

If you want a normal life you need to leave him.

And, if he hates sex with you that much and holds you in that much contempt, then I'm afraid he's using you as nothing more than a wank sock :(

You are tiny, btw. I'm your height and haven't been as small as you since I was about 20.

His behaviour is particularly abusive given your history of ED. Could it be that he resents you being healthy, and not needing him to the same extent as you did when you were sick, so he's actually trying to push you back into the sick role to fulfil his own needs? Whatever the reason he is behaving in a totally unacceptable way and is not treating you with any respect as a person. Leave him, wait for a DP who treats you with respect and in a few years time you'll be able to look back on what a lucky escape you had.

Having read all of the replies, I have nothing better to add. They are all spot on - you need to leave this cruel, dangerous, man.

Please OP, be kind to yourself .

Why is he still having sex with you then if he thinks you are so awfully repulsive? Because putting you down makes him feel better about himself? What a total and utter creep. This is one of the most horrible things I've ever read on here.

Run for the hills away from this man.

Hes a wanker

This is one of the most disturbing things ive read on here. Please leave him.

he likes small women.

and you like men who aren't arseholes.

about even i'd say...

Crack out a take away for one, followed by a lovely massive chocolate bar and some champagne. Savour and enjoy in front of him.When he starts commenting about your body/not wanting to sleep with you respond that you don't want to sleep with him as he's an arse who is ugly on the inside and then tell him to sling his hook.

He is an abusive cock.

Been there, done this (after putting on weight during pregnancy and not losing it afterwards). It will destroy any good feelings about yourself in time, and those feeling will take years to manage. Leave now, while you still can. I can't stress this strongly enough.

Omg get rid.

Well, take advice from the youngy'uns

...You know I won't be no stick-figure, silicone Barbie doll,
So, if that's what's you're into
Then go ahead and move along

I'd leave him. But not before grabbing his flabby bits and letting him know how repulsive he is, and that you just can't take having a cow looming over you during sex any longer, and that closing your eyes doesn't dispel the fact that you've got to do it with a tub of lard. Mean? Maybe, but he needs a reality check. What a hypocrite he is.

You sound fine by the way, a normal, healthy woman - don't put up with his BS. You deserve better.

I'm 5'3 and a stone heavier than you. I'm slim, and I feel pretty small. 8 and a half stone is what I would call 'tiny'.

To be honest it doesn't even matter. Even if you were 3 stones heavier he is bang out of order for being this abusive.

Very disturbing, the scenario you present, OP.

Your partner is sick.

Get away from him.

If this is real then get away from him. He's an abuser. He wants you sick, underweight and feeling shit about yourself. That's abusive. Ugh, what a creepy, misogynist prick.

Listen to us MNers. This is emotional abuse. You might fear being alone, or lonely but believe me, once you dump him the sense of relief will feel wonderful. And there are tons of lovely men out there who would never behave like that (I met one at 38 )