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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused - he prefers tiny women

159 replies

chirripwhoo · 16/12/2014 12:49

I'm not sure how anyone can really help with this, but I can't talk to my friends and feel so alone.
Basically, I'm in my late 30s, and my partner (together 4 years, no children) has become increasingly negative about me and my body. He will poke my stomach to see if it is soft, and try to grab the flesh around my hips, or the bit below my bra to check if there is anything "extra". He says he has to close his eyes when we have sex as he can't bear to see any folds of flesh.

I know he looks at lots of images of young women online, always tiny and perfect and teens/early 20s. I simply can't look like that. I should add that he's a good 2 stone overweight. He's also started giving me tiny portions of food in comparison to his and getting narked if I ask for more or serve myself more. I'm active and get so tired if I don't eat enough, but he will watch every bit I put in my mouth like a hawk. I truly don't know what to do!

OP posts:
bauhausfan · 16/12/2014 14:36

This is abuse - pure and simple. Leave him or he will destroy you.

OddFodd · 16/12/2014 14:36

He's trying to destroy you. :(

It doesn't matter if the rest of the world thinks the sun shines out his arse and he shits rainbows, you don't have to stay in a relationship with him.

You're not married, you've got no kids which makes it easier to disengage. And that's what you need to do. You've done so very well to get to a healthy weight (and I know that's not easy for someone with a history of disordered eating) and if you stay with him, you'll go right back to where you were.

He's a fucking woman-hating wanker. Sorry, this thread has made me really angry on your behalf

mammammio · 16/12/2014 14:37

OMG I can't believe I am actually reading this. Leave him as soon as physically possible he sounds utterly horrid.

Someone earlier mentioned you should suggest he go and find someone else to be with who who he doesn't find 'disgusting'. I would suggest he go and attempt to find any other living being out there who doesn't find him utterly disgusting, given his attitude to you I'd say he will struggle. You sound small and slim and even if you were the size of a house he'd have no right to say such nasty things to you, especially given your history with food issues. Get out quick and start living the rest of your life.

BaronessBomburst · 16/12/2014 14:38

Seriously, leave him. He is the one with problems, not you.

Notgoodwithwords · 16/12/2014 14:39

He sounds delightful ... His negativity towards your body will damage your self esteem forever!

Ditch him

kaykayblue · 16/12/2014 14:41

Well, you could try putting a selection of images of stunning, buff male bodies under his nose, telling him he's revoltingly overweight and serving him up a single celery stick for dinner, but honestly it would be easier and kinder (on yourself) to dump the hypocritical toerag

^^ Do as this poster said, and THEN dump him.

This guy sounds totally fucked up. He preferred it when you were ill. That's saying it all really isn't it. He preferred it when you were underweight and weak and struggling. Now that you're better, he is trying to actively make you feel like shit again.

No decent person would do this to someone they HATED, let alone someone they were in a relationship with.

DancingDinosaur · 16/12/2014 14:42

Oh my god, he is going to cause you serious harm. You must dump him. 8 1/2 stone is tiny. He clearly doesn't care about your health and well being. Get rid.

Tobyjugg · 16/12/2014 14:43

Get out now. There is nothing worth having with this man.

CruCru · 16/12/2014 14:45

Time to give him the push. Realistically, even if it didn't make you feel like shit, this is unsustainable. You could be going out with a nice guy who doesn't care what you eat and just wants you to be happy.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 16/12/2014 14:45

He doesn't like tiny women, he likes women who are ill and struggling.

He is a twat. Dump.

Twinklestein · 16/12/2014 15:08

He's abusive and he's trying to push you back into your eating disorder. When you were ill and vulnerable he felt in control of the relationship. Now you've recovered he's lost control, so he's trying to undermine you and push you back to where he felt comfortable.

He will keep going on at you so you have to choose between him and your health and sanity.

Let him try and find a 'tiny' woman while 2 stone overweight himself.

judydoes · 16/12/2014 15:15

And you're still having sex with him?

I'd tell him good thing he can't bear seeing folds of flesh, I can't bear seeing misogynistic immature fuckwits, either so let's not bother!

LTB. You don't sound surprised or shocked by this and that's a bad sign, what has he done to you?

What's the rest of his behaviour like?Apologies I've not RTFT, if you've already answered that.

Chrysanthemum5 · 16/12/2014 15:16

He sounds like my ex- H who found me so repulsive he could barely look at me. He wore me down to the point where I honestly believed I was lucky to have him and I couldn't cope on my own. Fortunately for me he decided to leave me in order for me to become totally dependant on him, and that space allowed me to get enough energy to tell him to stay away.

I think you need to leave him, but I know that's easier said than done. I thought I was strong but fighting the constant criticism meant I had no energy to see a way out.

ApocalypseThen · 16/12/2014 15:23

I'm now healthy - around 8 1/2 stone (I'm 5'4)

That's a very healthy and appropriate weight for a woman of your height. Please do not compromise your recovery by continuing this relationship. Getting rid of such relentless and inappropriate negativity will be the best possible step in maintaining your physical and mental health that you could take at this stage.

pinkyredrose · 16/12/2014 15:33

Why are you still having sex with him? How can you want to shag a man who so obviously doesn't love or even like you and treats you with contempt?

pinkyredrose · 16/12/2014 15:37

Oh and OP he's no good for you. He wants you ill again. Maybe he doesn't want you to have self esteem or for other men to find you attractive. Maybe he's got Munchausans by proxy, who knows. But if he can't bear to look at you during sex, well that's quite a hateful thing to do.

Norest · 16/12/2014 15:38

He is abusive. He is attempting to make you unwell again. Let me guess...you met him whilst still in active eating disordered behaviour right?

Or very close to it.

And he likes a woman he can see as unwell, weak, unhealthy. he does not want you to be healthy, this is nothing to do with sexual attraction.

Please don't let him take away your hard work to get well.

Flowers
PlumpingUpPartridge · 16/12/2014 15:38

op, my aunt was quite ill for a long time - she had a bad back and ongoing health troubles. During that time, she met a man who seemed lovely and he was really kind, looking after her and helping her to get through day to day.

I thought he was great, but my DH was reticent. When I asked him why, he said "You should always be wary of people who are great when you're ill; there's a chance that they'll want to keep you that way." I scoffed, but at the same time I was quite relieved when my aunt made a full recovery and the man continued to be lovely. He is now my uncle :)

The point is, my DH was right. Sometimes people like to have you vulnerable and leaning on them, because it makes them feel strong by comparison. They don't feel a need to exert control over you then, because they are in a position of power. Once you become less vulnerable they lose that perceived strength and, if they do not have your best interests at heart, will be desperate to get it back. Hence your situation.

Don't let this sorry excuse for a human being tear you down.

dangalf · 16/12/2014 15:40

That is really unpleasant behaviour and unless he changes massively then you should not waste your time being with him.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 16/12/2014 16:02

Good God OP. Get rid. I bet you are absolutely beautiful. He is not deserving of you. Leave him to his grubby internet browsing and go get yourself a bloke who will appreciate you. Or just be alone, anythings better than being stuck with this prick.

Windywenceslas · 16/12/2014 16:13

What do you enjoy about this relationship?

His behaviour is abusive, no doubt. The fact that he knows you've had disordered eating and has chosen to start this abusive campaign at a point when you're well and at a health weight, suggests that he prefers you when you're ill, when you're maybe weakened physically or emotionally from a disorder. This would be extremely worrying.

Ditch the misogynistic bastard and be happy with who you are. He is trying to sap your strength.

Greengrow · 16/12/2014 16:14

8 and a half stone at 5 foot 4 is a perfect weight.
He is the one who is over weight. Tell him you'll leave him unless he loses 2 stone in 2 months as you don't find fat men attractive.

Rainbunny · 16/12/2014 16:26

Do you live together? Start figuring out how to end it and move on. Now. I know these are strong words but there really is no coming back from your situation. Your "D"P is telling you that he doesn't fancy you, your body is actively unattractive to him and that he has no respect for you. Essentially, he wants to "do better" and thinks he can (no matter how deluded he may be about his own level of attractiveness).

I'm sorry this sounds so harsh, and I hope you realise that this isn't a reflection on you at all -this all his stupid, immature behaviour. I'm 100% sure you can do better than him and you absolutely deserve someone who fancies you and has a grown up ability to realise that real people do not look like magazine models. That old saying, familiarity breeds contempt, well you're there I'm afraid.

Allstoppedup · 16/12/2014 16:28

OP, he sounds like an awful, hypocritical bully.

I'm the same weight/height as you and always considered myself to be a nice healthy size. I'm self conscious of how my body looks since I had my DS but my DP tells me everyday that he thinks I'm beautiful whether I believe him or not, THAT is what a partner should do and it's what you deserve, not someone who plays on your insecurity and manipulates you diet because HE thinks you don't fit to his standards.

What he is doing is abusive. Walk away, you deserve so much better.

MadeMan · 16/12/2014 16:29

I think everyone generally looks better with some meat on their bones; particularly as they get older.

Thigh gaps and washboard stomachs in middle age probably aren't that great really.

Lastly, I prefer women who aren't chocolate dodgers, so bring on the cakes and we can all get soft together.

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