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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused - he prefers tiny women

159 replies

chirripwhoo · 16/12/2014 12:49

I'm not sure how anyone can really help with this, but I can't talk to my friends and feel so alone.
Basically, I'm in my late 30s, and my partner (together 4 years, no children) has become increasingly negative about me and my body. He will poke my stomach to see if it is soft, and try to grab the flesh around my hips, or the bit below my bra to check if there is anything "extra". He says he has to close his eyes when we have sex as he can't bear to see any folds of flesh.

I know he looks at lots of images of young women online, always tiny and perfect and teens/early 20s. I simply can't look like that. I should add that he's a good 2 stone overweight. He's also started giving me tiny portions of food in comparison to his and getting narked if I ask for more or serve myself more. I'm active and get so tired if I don't eat enough, but he will watch every bit I put in my mouth like a hawk. I truly don't know what to do!

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 16/12/2014 18:50

Im actually lost for words, which doesnt happen often. LTB

Mrsgrumble · 16/12/2014 18:53

Don't have sex with him agin. He's a horrible hateful prick

squishee · 16/12/2014 18:55

Get rid. You deserve far better.

TinyWishes · 16/12/2014 19:02

You aren't even fat!!! I bet if you dumped him he would struggle to get anyone else!

Leave his fat arse and his disgusting attitude and find someone who will only grab you for a cuddle!

Sending you hugs and

Marmiteandjamislush · 16/12/2014 19:21

He's abusing you. He is controlling your food intake, breaking you mentally and committing battery of you by grabbing and pinching you. Please leave him, OP.

CrankItUp · 16/12/2014 19:33

Run for the hills before you're literally too weak to do so. You are being abused.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 16/12/2014 19:45

Good Jesus this is bad.

Buy a massive box of chocolates/tub of ice cream/bucket of KFC, and be eating it with gusto when he gets home. Then when he gives you the disgusted look, tell him to pack his things and fuck off.

KLago10 · 16/12/2014 20:35

This is terrible. I'm so sorry you're being treated this way.

What gives him the right to say such vile things to the woman he is supposed to love? A decent, loving partner builds you up, not tears you down. You deserve so much more. Please believe that. Xx

CheersMedea · 16/12/2014 21:39

Liking tiny woman is something a lot of men do, and is reasonable as a preferance (as is liking larger woman, liking woman with big norks, liking super tall woman etc), but being anything other than loving towards your partner is never acceptable.

^ This is a perfect analysis.

Shonasnowqueen · 16/12/2014 22:27

unbelievable... and he's 2 stone overweight? what a hypocrite! even if he wasn't he is treating you so badly. Don't put up with it anymore...

TracyBarlow · 16/12/2014 23:35

This is one of the most disturbing stories I've ever read on Mumsnet. Please leave him OP X

shadowfax07 · 17/12/2014 00:31

I have never read such a unanimous response to an OP on any forum as this one. OP, you know what you need to do, please have the strength to do it.

Original poster

chirripwhoo · 17/12/2014 10:42

Thanks for your replies, sorry for not being on sooner, it is hard when I'm at home.

I know it sounds cut and dried to you, but to me he's basically telling me what I think I know - that I am fat and hideous, and that by gaining weight to get healthy I've gone too far and he's trying to get me to see this. But I also know that a lot of that is my illness speaking with his voice.

He said to me last night that he was just worried that I'm going too far the other way and he doesn't want me to hate myself for gaining too much weight. I asked him if he would love me even if I was a size 12, and he said yes, but I wouldn't be able to fancy you. I can't make him fancy me. He also said what he looked at on the internet was his business, and nothing to do with me.

Leaving is difficult as our finances are intertwined, but I work full time so it is possible. I've done it before. But I'm so far from being perfect, I will probably never meet anyone who could even start to want to be with me. That is a hard thing to face.

OP posts:

dreamingofblueskies · 17/12/2014 10:52

But wouldn't being by yourself be better than being with someone who makes you feel like shit? And I'm pretty certain you wouldn't be alone for long, no one is perfect, least of all your partner, but I know you are doing yourself a massive disservice by saying no one would want to be with you.

You have been so strong to get through your illness, please do not let some insecure prick who gets his confidence by knocking yours set you back, please.

FibonacciSeries · 17/12/2014 10:53

Oh honey. No one is perfect, no one!!! Imperfect people find other imperfect people and make happy imperfect couples all the time

He is seriously toxic. You'll be so much better without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/12/2014 10:54

The only one that is fat and hideous here OP is this man who targeted you to abuse. You are not at all to blame for his actions towards you.

He has used your inherent low self worth and illness as a stick to beat you with, he is truly the lowest of the low. He will completely and utterly destroy you and is set on doing that by controlling you. He knows what he is doing and actively enjoys seeing you in such a state too.

You've left him before now its time to leave again and not go back for yet more of the same. He will destroy any remaining sense of self worth and esteem you have.

Love your own self for a change. You do not need this person at all and he is really just now dragging you down with him into his own pit of despair.

loveareadingthanks · 17/12/2014 10:56

Glad you came back, OP.

He isn't concerned about your health etc and not putting on too much weight. If he were interested in these things, he wouldn't be overweight himself, would he.

The fact is he only fancies underweight women. The things he has said and done are disgusting. I know your illness makes it difficult for you to see, but please believe us when we are all saying that you are in a very normal, healthy weight for your height, not overweight in the slightest.

He is not good for you.

someone who loves you and fancies you does that regardless of how your body might change. Put on weight, lose weight, have a leg amputated, have your breast removed, whatever. We never know what will happen to us in life but a true partner intends to be there all the way.

I'm sure you aren't perfect. Nobody is perfect. It doesn't matter. Your self-esteem is so low it's making you make poor decisions and believe untrue things about your body and your self-worth and whether you'll ever be attractive to anyone else. These things are a part of your disease.

Are you getting any counselling or help dealing with the feelings you have?

AskMeAnother · 17/12/2014 10:57

To stay free from your illness, and therefore to stay alive, you might need to be free from this man.

loveareadingthanks · 17/12/2014 10:58

Yes, put bluntly, if you stay with him you may well die of your disease. Is he worth dying for?

ouryve · 17/12/2014 10:59

The fact that you have this problem with self image embedded in your psyche is what makes his behaviour towards you so dangerous. It's not unusual to stop being physically attracted to someone. That can even happen with a strong couple and the relationship can survive it. What no relationship can and should survive is cruelty - nasty comments, jabbing in the stomach, being repeatedly reminded that you aren't good enough (even more so if being "good enough" is an unhealthy state of any sort).

And no, he doesn't love you. He fetishises a version of you that is not well. He has no respect for you whatsoever. he has no respect for your feelings about the porn he looks at, which possibly features a few underage or "barely legal" girls who aren't fully physically developed, yet.

And "concern" about you going the other way is almost laughable, when he's fat, himself. He is so self absorbed and lacking in empathy that he is completely failing to see anything wrong with the way he treats you.

None of us are perfect, by the way. There's plenty of imperfect people in good relationships. And being single and happy is a much better state than being part of a couple and being treated like shit in that relationship.

BreakingDad77 · 17/12/2014 12:24

Leave him, why why why why why do women stay with men like this??

Being single would be better for your self esteem than this guy slowly destroying it.

tribpot · 17/12/2014 12:30

Please don't jeopardise your recovery by staying with this person. Your weight is absolutely FINE. At a time when you should be rebuilding your relationship with food and learning how to manage your eating disorder successfully you are being sabotaged by someone who is playing on your vulnerability. He's literally withholding food from you, it is unbelievably dangerous.

Your health is what matters. And your health is not at risk because of your current weight but because of this manipulator.

paleviewofhills · 17/12/2014 12:36

Oh god, this is really sad to read. This is his voice, as you say, not yours.

No one is perfect, or even near to it. No one. You're pursuing the absolutely impossible and making yourself, literally, sick with it. And he is doing everything he can to help you back along that road to illness.

This man doesn't have your best interests at heart. He's not trying to protect you or keep you safe or make you happy. He is actively niggling away at the part of you he knows is the most sensitive, the most damaged, the most painful. He is picking at your scabs, really - stopping you from healing.

I know it's easy for us to say, but it'sreally important for your own wellbeing that you start making plans to leave this guy, because he won't stop until you're at rock bottom again.

whereismagic · 17/12/2014 12:39

It's not about you - it's about him. When men can't control their lives they try to control women. When women can't control their lives they try to control their weight. The only thing you need to work on in this situation is your self-esteem.

prettywhiteguitar · 17/12/2014 12:42

I'm 5 2 " and normally about 8 stone, honestly that is not on the the way to bring fat. !

You seriously need to leave him otherwise you will be ill again.

He is part of the problem.

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